sharing childcare / housework - does your dh do much?

[frustratedmum2]

My dd is 5yrs old, and we both work full time, dh works 3 hrs more than me per week, shift work. I would like him to leave dd to school 2 mornings a week if he is on rest days, leave or lates (2.30pm-9.30pm) so I can get into work at 7am and beat the morning traffic rush, hence then getting away early and beating the evening rush, home in nice time to get dd and do dinner, otherwise I end up working 10am - 6pm. Up until now I have been working a really long day once or twice a week so he can do one morning and lie in bed all other mornings when not at work. He maintains he finds it hard to get up in the mornings as he does not sleep well (prob because he does not get up half the morning). He is a night owl and does help around the house, does dishes if I cook, loads dishwasher, laundry, his own ironing. This is causing a lot of arguments, though he is offering to do more cooking and bedtimes. I used to work less and basically did everything and as my hours increased I continued to do that until it dawned on me it was not very fair! At this rate I am wondering if I can get someone to come to the house and do the school drop one day per week, unfortunately the breakfast club is too late a start to beat the traffic.

When DH was a SAHF and I worked full time he wanted us to share housework 50:50.
Now that I am a SAHM and DH works full time I'm expected to do all the housework and childcare.
DH takes care of the garden, does all the DIY, and takes the children out for a couple of hours at weekends so I can relax (or do the ironing...)

Arf @ "shot"....I meant shit not in the literal sense of course

Funny my mum did the same with my dad, kept the peace and did everything, he drank and got resentful of our family life (me, sister and mum) but when we were teenagers she divorced him. Her advice would be not to keep the peace, I suppose if you argue at least you are being honest.

My DH does 50% of all the housework and childcare.

We both work full time, my DD goes to breakfast club at 8.45 and a childminder has her from 3 until we collect her at 5. Whoever drops her off at breakfast club then doesn't have to collect her from the childminder to allow us to do our 'hours' at work.

Whoever picks her up then gets home first so does tea, the one who arrives late either puts her in the bath and bed whilst the other one washes up.

As for housework, we kind of divvy it up between us, I do the ironing but he does stuff like cut the grass and wash the cars so it all equals out in the end.

It might sound a bit regimented, but it works for us, it was one of the things i insisted on when i went back to work, because i need to work or we wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage etc I instisted that we did it this way. Hats off to single parents or people who have to do the lions share on their own, i'm knackered doing it this way let alone if I had to do it on my own.

OP, he is a weasel to bring up old issues as a defence and an excuse not to look after his own child.

fairy talks a lot of sense above. You need to think about what kind of role models you are both being to your DD.

I agree with those who say stop asking. Just state 'As I'll be leaving for work at x a.m., you'll obviously need to do morning routine with DD.'

Or, even better, 'I'm leaving for work now. Bye!'

glasscompletelybroken, if your DH asked you to do something that would make your life significantly easier but only somewhat inconvenience you, would you refuse? Do you do this kind of thin on a regular basis?

I am not being confrontational. Part of me also really wants to agree with your argument that "DH brings other things to the family" and therefore I should just stop nagging him and do stuff myself. But where does this end? But I cannot shake off a deep sense of unfairness.

frustratedmum don;t let the raging feminists on here make you feel like a bad mother. Relationships are about compromise - they are not a competition.

You are showing your daughter that you can respect what her dad does and accept that he is not perfect and that you are able to resolve this issue without resorting to petty squabbles about who does the most.

it sounds like he has a lot of good qualities and if you can agree with him that he will do more of something else then - like you say - could be a winner for you anyway!

My DH works 60 - 70 hours a week, I work 20 from home. We share the two youngest's nightwaking though he gets the easier option. He puts two children to bed every other night, we alternate the middle child.

He does all clearing up for the evening meal and loves doing a chore of a saturday. He is cleaner than me and doesn't like to sit still. He is also a very hands on father as his parents are very cold and he wants our family to be closer. On holiday we each took responsibility for one of the younger ones, doing all nappies etc

He never cooks and is not a great driver but we don't argue about division of chores. His view is that who ever is at home all day doesn't need a 16 hour day doing all childcare and chores as it's demanding in it's own right and can be very drudglike, it's 12 hours each and then divided.

OP, I would be tempted to just leave him to it and walk out the door with a cheery "Bye!".

I'm sorry OP, I don't mean to attack you. But it frustrates me that women still put up with this in this day and age. I'm the last person you'd call a feminist, but adults should pull their weight in family life. It's very sad that your DH doesn't want to be an equal parent to his child.

If he can get up for work, he can get up to drop his daughter off. If he really didn't want children he should've refused.

I'm not happy with the amount my DH does. He did more before we had children, now that we have two children and I work from home, he seems to have reverted to the tradtional male role and I have to keep saying something to him about it. We don't argue because he accepts he should do more and says he doesn't know why he's 'so shit' but that just makes me more annoyed because nothing changes. Then he complains about the house being messy! That said, he does take them out on his own and entertain them while I work. What gets to me the most is the extra work/mess he creates -for example this is really petty but he always puts his clothes on top of the laundary hamper, not in it. I have asked him three or four times a week for the past 6 months to stop doing this but he still does it. It's such a petty small thing but it personifies an attitude of 'she'll pick up after me.' And really, I'm not intrested in picking up his kecks every day!

My DH mows the lawn, takes the bins out, hoovers about once a month, empties the dishwasher about half the time and loads dinner plates after I've cooked. He doesn't clean or do any laundry and if he needs to go shopping (v rarely) I have to make a list! He is v messy and disorganised and never puts anything away. If I complain about him not 'helping' he tells me it's my job as a 'housewife' to keep the house and do all the shopping.
With the kids he plays computer games and will take them to the shops (b&q, Argos, pets at home). He also puts them in the bath, about half the time (ds1, 9 and ds2, 5). With ds3, 3 wks, he's been pretty 'absent' having been ill so has cuddled and changed a few nappies in the day but that's about it.

"frustratedmum don;t let the raging feminists on here make you feel like a bad mother"

eh?

from what the OP has said she has made a request about how they can manage things better given that he is available to do the drop off. He's come up with some alternatives which don't achieve what the OP needs.
Encouraging her to explain to him that his help is needed elsewhere is not being a 'raging feminist'. Both the OP and her DH work full time - He should be pulling his weight and he shouldn't be trying to get out of doing the stuff which makes life easier for them all.

In another thread recently someone said the following RE the division of household duties, which really made me laugh out loud it's so often so true:

"On the one hand, men don't just notice mess - that's why they don't tidy and clean. You have to point it out for the useless idiots, then point out that someone needs to sort it, then that that someone could, just could, be them.

On the other hand, men do notice mess - and wonder why the little woman hasn't sorted it out, with a baby strapped to her back and a toddler clinging to her leg."

glass, I think one of the problems is that the OP's DP WON'T compromise; he won't get up early in the mornings, full stop, even though he's a parent and it would help to make her life, and family life, run more smoothly.

[raging feminist and proud of it]

Fairyfriend - not at all, I posted to get others viewpoints, when you just deal with things yourself sometimes you do not see the wood for the trees. I would describe myself as a strong, outgoing person and I guess I did everything when I took 1 yrs maternity leave (though he did the late or night feeds) and didnt really think about it when I went back to work part-time, its only now I have increased my hours and have been ill that I have had a dawning moment that I need a bit more from him.

Someone upthread asked does that tactic work?

Well it has to doesn't it. I mean, you just say "I'll be leaving at 7" and then go. If you say it and then enter in to a big long discussion about how its not fair then no it probably will have no effect.
If you say it and then do it he has no choice.

Well that's what I think anyway. My DH does the school pick up normally. He is finished work usually by 4pm. If he is working later, then I do the pick up on the way home from work. But it's never been a discussion, just "can you pick up mini tantrums from ASC?"

We both work full time but we have teenage DCs who cook once a week each, do laundry etc. so we all split up the housework, cooking, shopping, gardening between the 4 of us. We just do what needs to be done, I don't ask or tell my DH to do certain jobs, he does them because we all live in the same house and someone has to do it.

So whoever is there, does it IYSWIM.

We have a rule, if you use the kitchen, clean up after yourself. And if you need a particular item of clothing for the morning, wash, dry and iron it yourself. Other than that, we just muddle along.

What an utter arse he is LadyC. In this instance OP would be best served not enabling his sexist, entitled behaviour.

Glasscompletelybroken, the OP's DH has not sat her down and said, 'sweetheart, I'm not great in the mornings and I know you're busy, so how about I organise a childminder for those 2 days a week and I'll cook us dinner instead? That way we both get the best of both worlds.'

He's said 'you wanted kids, I didn't, I'm not helping.'

Don't you see the difference?

bleeding my DH also does that thing of putting his clothes on the laundry basket
I'd really just like him to do a bit more 'thinking'. That's the thing that gets me down is having to remember everything and decide what needs doing and what the DC need for school and what to have for dinner and whether we need toilet paper and even, when DH takes DS1 to Cubs - i have to say, 'cubs starts in 10 minutes' EVERY week! Ffs!

His argument is that he works shifts (i used to do shifts and at some point will be back on shifts and I managed to get up and do a full day before my late turn), he also feels that as I am getting up anyway I should do the school drop off, misses the point of course. To be honest I think if I just went on to work I would spend the whole day stressing about it. I would not say he is sexist though, he will tidy, clean etc just really hates getting up in the morning.

OP I agree you should just leave him to it so he has to take responsibility. Is there any way you can say you need to be in work earlier? Like your boss isn't happy with you starting at 10 when others start at 9 for example?

Love your name, by the way.

Indeed Crescentmoon - if you can solve the problem then just do it without the stress.

The OP has not said her DH is an arse, lazy or sexist - in fact she has said the opposite. He hasn't said he is not helping fullstop as he plainly is helping in other ways.

Life is too short - get some help and move on.