sharing childcare / housework - does your dh do much?

[frustratedmum2]

My dd is 5yrs old, and we both work full time, dh works 3 hrs more than me per week, shift work. I would like him to leave dd to school 2 mornings a week if he is on rest days, leave or lates (2.30pm-9.30pm) so I can get into work at 7am and beat the morning traffic rush, hence then getting away early and beating the evening rush, home in nice time to get dd and do dinner, otherwise I end up working 10am - 6pm. Up until now I have been working a really long day once or twice a week so he can do one morning and lie in bed all other mornings when not at work. He maintains he finds it hard to get up in the mornings as he does not sleep well (prob because he does not get up half the morning). He is a night owl and does help around the house, does dishes if I cook, loads dishwasher, laundry, his own ironing. This is causing a lot of arguments, though he is offering to do more cooking and bedtimes. I used to work less and basically did everything and as my hours increased I continued to do that until it dawned on me it was not very fair! At this rate I am wondering if I can get someone to come to the house and do the school drop one day per week, unfortunately the breakfast club is too late a start to beat the traffic.

My DH just brought me lunch at work (unasked) as a peace offering after the argument this morning. Very sweet. He is sweet. But I don't want this lunch! I want him to do stuff around the house without me asking him a million times.

The problem of course is that if I start arguing after this gesture, I will look like a complete bitch, rejecting his attempt to make peace.

I actually don't think it matters who does what. The man, woman or indeed a third party, providing everyone is happy with the arrangement.

I outsource loads of things I could perfectly well do myself. But frankly, I don't want to do them. And DH doesn't give a hoot who does them as long as it's not him .

So there's no reason why op shouldn't get someone else in to help if both she and DH are happy with that. However if DH is not happy to spend the money on help then he should get his tootsie out of bed and help.

I haven't read the whole thread as I'm im work but what I have found helpful is that I do the housework that bothers me if it isn't done, which in my case is loading the dishwasher, putting toys and clothes away and generally trying to keep things neat. I also Hoover once a week, it needs doing more often to be honest but I just don't have time.

Then dh does what bothers him - the bins, bathroom, laundry and ironing, garden.

Neither of us bug the other because I don't really notice if the garden is untidy, am too busy to see the toothpaste in the sink and have only bought clothes that don't need ironing for a long time dh is equally happy to step over toys and never put his (perfectly ironed) clothes away.

As far as childcare goes, dh does mornings and I do afternoons simply because that's how our work shifts fall. At weekends it's better to keep this pattern going because ds gets wound up with us both being there together when he wakes or at bedtime as dh has his routine and I have mine.

funny I looked up a childcare list and someone I think i know does a drop off to the school going past our house, dh should be happy to ensure she is up, dressed and had breakfast if this lady could collect her and see her safely to school. Its the getting dressed and driving to school he does not like, if she is off he is happy to play with her at home. Am planning to look into it, he can also pay for it and do more dinners and bedtime routine. Could be a win win..

so you have just found another woman to offload this burden of a husband on?

Good for you OP - hope it works out well.

I am fascinated to know where some of the women on here found their obviously perfect husbands. I love mine (madly) but he's not perfect and neither am I.

I am not perfect. My husband is not perfect. However, we are parents and getting up and getting the kids to school is a job that just needs to be done. I'm just sorry that the OP had to sort it out because her husband couldn't be arsed to.

It's not about being perfect, it's about the simple fact that this man could do one small thing that would make life easier for his whole family and he's refusing to because apparently being able to have a lie-in every day he's not working is more important.

To answer your thread question - dh does about half the housework and slightly more than half the childcare. I cook more.

We have 2 dc - he does drop off/pick up for one and I do the other (school and nursery).

We both work full time.

In your situation, dh would gladly do the drop off to allow me to work an earlier shift as it would lead to a better work/life balance for me and dc. He need to realise that he is indeed a grown up.

How bad is his sleeping? It might be that he has a genuine sleeping disorder. I have something called DSPS (delayed sleep phase syndrome) which means that I am totally incapable of getting to sleep naturally before 6am (I am a severe case, but many people have this to a lesser extent). I am now on medication which has revolutionised my life but prior to this life was pretty hellish as I was living on 1-2 hours sleep a night and not really coping with many aspects of life. Getting up was like trying to get out of a coma because everything in my body was screaming that I needed more sleep at that particular time. But by bedtime the next day I couldn't drift off again.

If I hadn't found my miracle cure there is no way I could live a normal life as it had got to the stage that I was losing consciousness due to being so tired. If I ever got the chance of a lie in it was a necessity rather than a luxury. People with this condition are often seen as lazy and idle but it is a proper disability, albeit a hidden disability. I don't know what your husbands sleep patterns are like but he could maybe try googling sleep disorders or going to his GP (although it took the NHS 21 years to actually solve my problem and I only managed to find a name for it by googling, despite repeated visits to a specialised sleep clinic.

He does not sleep well to be fair, takes a while to get to sleep and wakes a lot throughout the night, whereas I generally sleep like a log. But if you do not get up till 11 am and go to bed at 11 pm you are not likely to sleep well, I am trying to encourage him to do some excercise as that may help?? Though I know what its like trying to get up when you have been awake half the night as if i wake its between 4 - 6am then when you get up you feel like a zombie. ps. he has said he will def drop her to breakfast club when he comes home from nights.

My dp... who unfortunately isn't the father to my dd works shifts too and I work part time, I do most house work but he chips in with doing the washing up, hovering, gardening and doing the bins (yuck) and always has dd when I work, he's making life even easier now we're expecting dc2 :) I consider myself a lucky lady :) x

Hmm, I think he should maybe look into the sleeping thing but it does sound likes he's making some sort of effort. Don't have much more advice to give but you have my sympathy!

Does my DH do much? No. And it is ruining my maternity leave.
He works shifts and long hours (leaves at 4am/pm then home at 6:30pm/am) so on those days I really expect him to do nothing. Only he does less than nothing. What I mean is he can destroy a clean and tidy room in a moment because he is SO messy. He'll open letters and drop the envelopes on the floor where he is standing. He'll have a bath and leave magazines lying all over the floor (with bits falling off them where they've got wet); his electric razor will be on the floor, his towel is just scrunched onto the rail; he'll have spread talc all over the floor; his bottles of bubble bath, deodorant etc will be scattered around the floor; he seems to virtually fllood the floor after every bath (which just smears the talc everywhere). He generally leaves worn clothes lying around in the conservatory, kitchen, bottom of the stairs, sitting room and (downstairs) bathroom. He dumps his numerous shoes any where in the conservatory, including his dog walking shoes so mud is spread across the entire floor rather than confined to the shoe mat. The junk falling out of his wardrobes has covered a third of available floor space in our bedroom for the last three months.
He has never dusted, never cleaned the bathroom or the kitchen or mopped the floors. He doesn't do DIY or any house maintainence. He doesn't deal with stuff like insurance, council tax etc. In fact his only job is the bins but he generally let's that get to the stage where there is rubbish falling out of them and a second full black bag of rubbish next to them before he sorts it out. He also doesn't garden.
I don't mind doing all the housework but it takes me longer to tidy than to actually clean and with a new baby to look after I rarely manage to have a neat looking house. And I hate hate hate living in mess and dirt so it really gets me down.
I have tried letting it go so he can notice in his own time and tidy up after himself. I have tried mentioning how many hours I have spent cleaning and tidying in the hope he will recognise the effort I've made and keep the place as he finds it. I have nagged him, I have begged him, I have lost it with him. Nothing works. He just feels that I am bad tempered and he is hard done by.
He actually has as many days off as he works but he feels entitled to just rest and relax (and make more mess) on them.
I was a full time shift worker before and when I go back to work shifts part time we will be working roughly the same number of days because of how the hours work out. I know which one of us will be doing the housework though.

You did ask. And that's the edited version!

James Tell you partner to grow the fuck up or you'll get rid. You are his partner and not his mother (and i'm being generous there, my children would get short shrift for behaving like that).

James, I think he needs a wake up call, take it from me if you do it all now and continue you will be worse off when you return to work. When I was on maternity leave my dh cooked and did the night feeds. I was at fault myself to some extent as I tried to set myself up as 'supermum' and do everything in the house and with baby etc..

Some people are naturally untidy but a lot of it is laziness / being selfish. My dh is super tidy, he gets stressed if the place is slightly untidy, I would say I was not mega messy but relaxed about clutter, over the years I have become tidy myself because I was aware it stressed him out so I tried harder, now it is second nature and the house stays tidy and organised without either of us trying too hard. Have got to the stage where mess and clutter really annoy me 2.

OP yanbu!

It is a 50/50 split in this house.

We share putting kids to bedtimes, bath times, getting up with them in the morning.
I do all the cooking, he does all the washing up.
I do the vacuuming downstairs, he does up stairs.
I clean the bathroom and the kitchen floors, he does the hob and the microwave.
He tidies up the kitchen cupboards intermittently, I sort through everyones clothes.
He takes care of the garden and the attic and does the bins. I do all the dusting and polishing, I do paperwork and bills.
We both put washes on and hang them out. We share the ironing on a Sunday night, I wont do his work shirts though.
I make sure the changing bag is sorted out.
We have a list on the fridge that we add to when we run out of things and then make a shopping list out of. I tend to do the food shopping with the kids in the day.

He does most of the DIY, but I am his assist most of the time.

I would not and could not live with a man who thought I was his mummy and wanted his bum bum wiping. No bloody way.

james I would be tempted to bag and bin everything he leaves in his wake. Take it to the dump.

Or move out with the baby and leave him to it.

Sounds like a filthy pig....pray tell, what do you see in him?

I cannot believe the number of utterly useless (or worse than useless!) sexiest arses mentioned on this thread.

I could not,would not,live with someone who didn't pull his weight.

I'm for you.

I thought my DH was bad. But SHIT, James, yours sounds like Satan. I would not even know how to approach this issue. Marriage counseling? It would be great if you could just bag everything of his that he leaves on the floor and chuck it out, but people like you husband also tend to be very careless about money. He would probably just go out and buy new stuff and would not think twice what impact this would have on family finances. I am very sorry.

Soso - I have had the I'm not your mother rant at him many times. He just thinks I'm ranty, naggy and bad tempered, that way he doesn't actually have to deal with what I'm saying to him.

Frustrated - I think you're right. He is naturally untidy, his mother says he's always been the same. But I also agree that laziness and selfishness play a part. If I point out the mess he's made in a previously neat room his reaction tends to be annoyance at me rather than accept that he's created the mess and to clear it up. I get stressed living in a mess, I feel imprisoned by it to a certain extent. I can't do anything else when the house is a state but sometimes I can't bring myself to clean it all up again either.

Nilby- I do tend to collect his detritus up and leave it as a collection for him to deal with. He generally just works round the pile though. I couldn't throw his stuff out. As much as I wish I could get DH to realise the impact this is having on me and then do something about it I couldn't walk out on him because of it. People are multifaceted and he has done something life changing for me that will probably trump everything he could ever do wrong. And he never mentions it.

Patron - you are right about the money!

The thing his he'll never change so I will have to deal with it. Reading your reactions has been a boost to me because I feel at fault for the house and garden being in such a state. I always wonder how other people maintain neat houses.

I don't want to hijack the thread but I hope the op feels a bit better after reading my post.

hahaha this thread has made me chuckle...so much of it rings true...in my view it depends on the persons upbringing and the age of the man.

My hubby had a mum who did everything and a dad who did everything, I grew up in a single parent home and both me and my bro (luckily for my sis in law lol) were cooking and cleaning by age of 10!

When I got with my hubby, I did EVERYTHING, I do to an extent like to look after my man, and I love doing things for people, but it got to a point that it wasn't being returned, and especially when our daughter came along, to have him come home at the end of the day and tell me he was tired and why should he do housework when 'I've been at home all day' was almost enough for me to swing for him lol

Now I am back to work, it has been a struggle but he is better at helping, and when I say better I mean a little, I still have to ask him to take the washing out of the machine, or any other jobs that are little enough for him to do. Thing is he works shifts, and I dropped mine to be main carer for daughter, my response now when he complains that the house is a mess and its depressing him is 'well tidy it then' it doesn't go down well hehe but work comes in more than one form, and just because I finish work at 4 and go home, I've been up since 4am and go home to look after daughter and then make sure there is food for all and bag ready and clothes ironed, to start again at 4am the next day...

I think it is a long had argument, who has it harder, and who deserves the lay in when they have one day off...I'm told constantly 'you have loads of days off, I only get one day here and there...' (I work four 10hr days and he works shifts of 8 hours) inevitably its usually him who sleeps in and I'm up with baby lol but these lots of days off I get where I 'can do whatever I want' is all done with a temperamental 1 yr old, not so much do whatever I want as more whatever she will let me do!

But yes whoever it was who said they want a gold star after they do some housework made me LOL so much as it is so very true, my husbands favorite saying is 'Oh I did the washing up/hoovering/put the washing out...you're welcome' like he has done me a favor!

I don't think it is worth getting too stressed over, I have learnt it is easier to stay calm and just say, 'if you want things done then help me, if not then stop moaning...' don't really see how they can argue that logic!

James, hijack away! I am sorry your dh is so untidy, that would really crack me up. I am now annoyed enough that if my dh does not do the 2 morning school runs he can take a walk! Its great getting help on these boards as it gives you perspective - time he participated fully or not at all..

I actually think its the change of thinking that has helped me most, before I automatically put him first before me, the realisation that he also put himself first has finally dawned on me. I actually feel I have finally seen through the honeymoon phase - after 10+ years so it has been good! He is a good person generally but he needs to get past the 'you wanted a child so you do all the grunt work' or he wont have a loving family, basically a kick up the arse is required, he must know how pissed off I am as he is making a big effort. I actually wonder if you need to have the attitude of not being walked over towards your dh as much as your toddler or they will both unwittingly take advantage..