So what do I do now?

[Ormiriathomimus]

Affair is over.
DH not in contact. OW leaving work for a new job.
He's made it clear that he wants to stay and is trying to fix things. He's told me what I wanted (sometmes more than I wanted). I think I know the extent of it.
All his friends are telling him he's a twat of the highest order and are totally 'on my side' (which helps).

But I don't feel that much better. Have had major ups and downs. I have had periods where I felt elated that our relationship had improved almost as if his affair was a shot in the arm. I have felt insecure and clingy. I have been so angry and hurt I felt like I would poison anyone who touched me. I have hated OW and I have been indifferent to her. I have never hated DH for some reason but I've been angry with him.

My self-esteem is at rock bottom. I need to work on that not him I know.

It feels like such a huge effort to carry on being happy and rational for the sake of the children when a lot of the time I want to curl up in a corner with a book and hide. It's been such a bloody marathon.

Right now DH is looking battered and a bit sorry for himself (his texts to friends imply that he is too). I am feeling calm but indifferent to it all. I know it will only be a matter of time before it all blows up again,

Have got some books on order from Amazon - one for him that gives him advice on how to help me get over it. And the Shirley glass book that someone lent but I managed to lose (oops!).

Where does it go from here? I'd like a roadmap please....

What I am struggling with now is the feeling that DH isnt happy. He's quiet. He isn't a garrulous person anyway but the last few months he has been talking a lot more but now he's back to normal. Which flashes all kinds of warning lights to me. But again, that might be because I am still insecure.

All our stability and normality has gone and I don't trust his, or my own,reactions anymore. Weird.

Probably/ hopefully even though he's not saying a lot he's reflecting on what a mess his behaviour caused.Although with men now I'm not so sure anymore.Even my own DH who I thought I knew so well was far more capable of boxing things away in a seperate compartment in his brain than I realized.

What we found helped was once a week whatever was going on we designated a slot to touch base and talk,about how we both felt good and bad.No family,business or house stuff.Just us warts and all.We put a time limit of 20-30 minutes max, and avoided alcohol.A lot of our earlier talks had been over bottles of wine,not always a good idea for thinking straight and staying calm!When time was up we got on with normal stuff and gave ourselves time to process what had come up.Sometimes it made us feel really close and good again.Sometimes I think we both felt will we ever get there.Back to how easy and comfortable and trusting we both felt towards each other.Because even though my trust had been blasted into space, also in his own way my DH was damaged and didn't trust me not to suddenly say that's it I'm out of here IYSWIM.
Probably none of this helps ,but just trying to offer support and say it can be done.Recovery is possible.

As for OW in my case she went out and left her phone for her DH to find several days worth of texts including 'I love you' and sexually explicit stuff.MMM now then what was that about eh? A massive call for attention, or to stir up trouble between my DH and me and force things into the open?Having recently found out that it's not the first time she's got herself in a 'situation' with another man,last time professing to not like the attention she was getting and yet sending suggestive emails rather than avoiding contact, it tends to suggest she's an attention seeking prick teaser.Sorry not charitable, but so good to get that out!

"Sorry not charitable, but so good to get that out! "

Yep. I am a 'nice' person so this begrudgery towards another woman does not come naturally. But as you say it needs to be expressed sometimes.

Also please be kind to yourself ORM and remember it's still VERY early into recovery,although you feel it's been a marathon already.
Put it in context with how long situation between your DH and OW took to build up up ,with rumours and doubts long before you found out if I remember correctly?
When I used to have a bad day and feel frustrated that I wasn't 'over it' I had to remind myself my DH had known OW several years, and the last year they were definitely upping the flirting, with lunchtime meet ups most weekdays for at least 6 months,albeit in a public place but very exclusive of anyone else.Not to mention all the texting.So if it took months and months for them to wind the situation up why should I expect myself to get my head around things in a matter of weeks?

That's true star.

I wrote a long letter to DH today and emailed it to him at work. Saying all the things that I needed to say. Not blame and anger, just telling him that I recognised my part in the poor state of the marriage before the affair, that there were things that I had resented for years and had never admitted before that had affected the way I behaved, how I still felt incredible pain at times about the affair and he mustn't expect that to go away soon, and telling him that if he wasn't sure about being here, or happy about being here he should go. I didn't want him to stay out of a sense of pity or responsibility. I also told him that he needed to TALK to me - his inability to actually express his feeling and needs was what go us into the mess in the first place. He came home and just held me very tight and said this was the only place he wanted to be. We are in a better place at times than we have been for years.

Wonder what OW would think of having acted as an unpaid marriage therapist for us

So quite 'up' atm. But there'll be a down soon. Hey ho. Onwards and upwards.

How long has it been for your star? Since you found out.

Yes, the rumours and doubts have been going on for a while. DH also admitted that the affair started earlier but as it was just texts he didn't think it counted. He also said that he had been having a love affair with the school of sort for a while - obsessed with work and a bit too involved with all his colleagues. I must admit I never guessed the actual OW beforehand - as far as I could see it might have been any one of them.

Just wanted to say hello Orm. Have just seen this thread. It seems like only yesterday when you posted your last thread, but it obviously was not.
Izzy posts so beautifully, I am glad you are getting good support.

Hi oblomov. Thanks for looking in on me. Doing OK x

Sorry ORM, missed your question about now long the other day.Exactly same discovery date for me as yours except two years earlier, so 2 years and a bit.
If it seems a bit disheartening that I'm still posting after all this time let me reassure you life is a lot better,calmer and happier and I'm glad we stayed together.
But not a day goes by when I don't think about 'it' at some point ,and I've long stopped talking to the few great RL friends I confided in.Dont want to bore them.And lovely as they are unless someone's been in our position they just don't get 'it'.They think my DH is a good bloke who did a stupid thing- true.But the fact he kept on doing it;the texting,the contact,the secrecy for so long means for me it will be a long time,if ever, I'm truly recovered completely.It's changed me inside forever I think.But I can live with that now,and this place I guess is my outlet.Plus I have a lot of admiration for the wise ,strong women on here.Yourself included.
Good to see your response to Scummy's post on the other thread today - the one about why the drama about an EA if no tongues and shagging- got the same rapid response from you as me!

Too right it did!!