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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So what do I do now?

85 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 14/08/2012 12:34

Affair is over.
DH not in contact. OW leaving work for a new job.
He's made it clear that he wants to stay and is trying to fix things. He's told me what I wanted (sometmes more than I wanted). I think I know the extent of it.
All his friends are telling him he's a twat of the highest order and are totally 'on my side' (which helps).

But I don't feel that much better. Have had major ups and downs. I have had periods where I felt elated that our relationship had improved almost as if his affair was a shot in the arm. I have felt insecure and clingy. I have been so angry and hurt I felt like I would poison anyone who touched me. I have hated OW and I have been indifferent to her. I have never hated DH for some reason but I've been angry with him.

My self-esteem is at rock bottom. I need to work on that not him I know.

It feels like such a huge effort to carry on being happy and rational for the sake of the children when a lot of the time I want to curl up in a corner with a book and hide. It's been such a bloody marathon.

Right now DH is looking battered and a bit sorry for himself (his texts to friends imply that he is too). I am feeling calm but indifferent to it all. I know it will only be a matter of time before it all blows up again,

Have got some books on order from Amazon - one for him that gives him advice on how to help me get over it. And the Shirley glass book that someone lent but I managed to lose (oops!).

Where does it go from here? I'd like a roadmap please....

OP posts:
Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 16/08/2012 12:42

THanks izzy.

Scan result back - no stones. So what is going on?

OP posts:
izzyizin · 16/08/2012 12:48

I'd like to think karma Grin but maybe the stones fragmented and he passed them without noticing.

izzyizin · 16/08/2012 12:50

In any event, that's one less thing for him to feel sorry for himself about.

And one less thing for you to worry about.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 16/08/2012 16:39

Hmmm... not sure. They have just discharged him with no reason for the pain and blood in his urine. They want to see if it goes away on it's own. So I will still worry because that is what I am good at Grin

I am awaiting arrival of 'Not Just friends' as a little light bedtime reading for me and then for him.

OP posts:
belagh · 16/08/2012 18:44

Your husband is probably realising you are not the same. You may go through periods when you will seem a little clingy/needier but once you work through those issues ultimately you will be a little less dependent, a little less there, a little less sympathetic. This was the bit that shocked my H, he didn't realise that his behaviour would change me or the way I feel, he feels the same was about me (ok he feels guilty but... his behaviour has nothing to do with me)

shorttermnamechange · 16/08/2012 19:11

I know I am different now. Before, I would accept my dh being moody or prioritising work ahead of me, because I thought 'work is important and I know he loves me really'. Now I see where being stoical and accepting and coping on my own at home with everything else, has gotten me and I have said 'no more'. I now want to come first, because I am important and deserve to come first with my own husband.

I am also not allowing myself to feel responsible for my husbands moods. Before, I would think that somehow it was my responsibility to make him feel more cheerful or as though his bad mood was my fault. Now I know it isn't and he will feel how he feels regardless. Perhaps I have tended to treat him like one of the kids - as my responsibility. But he isn't one of the kids - he's a grown man, my partner and therefore it is not my 'job' to manage his moods.

belagh · 16/08/2012 19:39

They do seem to expect us to be responsible for them

My H is a bit of a @@@@, he is a repeat offender of very strange things. My mantra is now
I will not police my husbands behaviour. That is not a relationship
I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it

oh watch out for him treating you like a counselor

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 16/08/2012 19:52

I was quite pleased with myself today. Only a little step but a significant one for me. I didn't drive for a while after we lived together and didn't in fact pass my test until the 5th attempt. That has given him a slightly patronising air about my driving and he often draws in his breath sharply or grips the seat when he thinks I am driving badly. I am reasonably good driver as far as I know and have never had a collision (unlike him). I will sometimes say ' Watch out DH' if he is being an arse when driving but I never do the silent pantomime of terror thing. It has added irritation for me as OW drove us both to a party back in April before I knew anything and she drove like a bat out of hell! I was terrified - she saw my face and apologised saying she knew her driving scared people sometimes. DH laughed. And that rankles. If he could laugh at her risky driving as a charming quirk, why is mine annoying?

Anyway he did the silent terror thing when I was driving him to the hospital twice and both times I said, quite sharply' Don't do that! You know I'm a perfectly good driver!' or words to that effect. He apologised. First time. I won't put up with that sort of thing anymore. If you have a problem with me, come out and say something or shut the fuck up!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 16/08/2012 19:53

belagh - he already has treated me like a counsellor. I find it illuminating to hear about his past and his feelings. But I don't let him use this to let him off the hook. He has behaved badly - the fact his dad was a twat and his mum was useless is NOT MY FAULT!

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Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 16/08/2012 20:02

One really good thing has come out of this week - DH not being here while SIL was has lead to me find that she and I really get on. I think she could be a good friend.

I have also realised what an inadequate mother MIL is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 20/08/2012 16:00

How to help you spouse heal arrived today and DH is reading it. I hope it helps.

OP posts:
janesnowdon1 · 21/08/2012 17:32

Have read this thread and think you are coping brilliantly - I do hope the book helps.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 23/08/2012 15:21

Thanks Jane. I am doing OK..or I was until just now. DH just rang me to tell me that she texted him. He promised to tell me if she ever contacted him. 'How are you? I miss you? I need to talk to you.' He hasn't replied.

Oh FFS! Can't it all just go away?

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Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 23/08/2012 16:36

Just ignore her? I am feeling shaken up and sick again.

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OliveandJim · 23/08/2012 16:44

Is there anywhere you wanted to go, Venice, a island in the Med? Can you go just the two of you on romantic week end without the DCs? Spend time trying to find yourselves again maybe? See if he sneaks out to send text messages? Listen to his side of the story? or simply get in a wonderful retreat hotel not far from where you live? For one night? Would that be a possibility?

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 23/08/2012 16:48

We're out for a meal tonight - we have made Thursday our night to do things together. I don't think he will text her - I don't think he wants to resume the relationship but it's brought it all up again. I was begining to feel secure again. Need to get home and talk to him face to face.

Wish she'd just bugger off and leave us alone.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 23/08/2012 16:49

Oh dear - just what you don't need. Is he back at work and, more to the point, is she working on the same premises (please add question mark because I can't!)

The only response he can make to her text is to reply to the effect that 'I love my wife, it's over, don't contact me again' and to allow you to oversee/monitor all/any further communication he may have with her and report it here for support and advice

Don't despair, Orm. I suspect that the emotionally needy ow is going to do more than anyone else can to convince him that he's had a narrow escape as it's unikely she'll let him go easily and various melodramas will ensue.

As for his dps, just because his df is/was a twat doesn't mean he's got to be one and, although his dm may fall within the category of 'useless', he's married a strong woman who's more than capable of kicking his sorry arse into shape redressing any qualities he may be lacking as a result of dysfunctional parenting.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 23/08/2012 16:54

Thanks izzy - no not back at work till 3rd September.

I just want it to stop - I think he does too. Need to get together tonight and decide what to do.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 23/08/2012 16:58

There can't be anything much less romantic than spending time in a idyllic location with the intention of spying on a dh/dp to see if he's contacting an ow, Olive Hmm

The time for romantic breaks is after the fire has burned down and some new shoots of trust are beginning to emerge from the charred ashes of the forest floor.

izzyizin · 23/08/2012 17:04

If he's not returning to work until 3rd September he can be forceful in seeing her off now, albeit that I suspect firmly rebuffing her at this point in time won't stop her renewing her advances once term starts.

We know what a thoroughly stupid twat he's been to have got involved with this particualr ow and it's probable he's going to have to find out about her hitherto hidden attributes the hard way

izzyizin · 23/08/2012 17:07

Btw, don't devote too much of your 'special evening' to the ow or run the risk of getting indigestion ruining your meal over her - just make it clear to him that a plain, straightforward fuck off text as lined above and telling her not to contact him again is the only way to go.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 23/08/2012 17:11

Yes izzy, I agree he's going to have to be blunt. I would be delighted to help him with that ......

It's just stupid. I love him, yes. But he's 50, and shaved his head because of hair loss, he's got an absurd addiction to his football team and he isn't that good at housework. What does she want him for? He's not exactly loves young dream.....

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shorttermnamechange · 23/08/2012 17:16

It's a good sign that he told you, Orm. It would have been easy for him to hide it.

I think he should send her a message saying fuck off that he is not interested and doesn't want her to contact him again. If I were you, I would want to see him actually send it. This needs to be nipped in the bud before he returns to work.

If this was my dh, I would be reiterating to him that if he so much as looks at her, he will be out on his arse!

Looksgoodingravy · 23/08/2012 17:17

Orm - I suggested dp changed his number after his 'revelations' he did without argument, can you suggest that your dh changes his mobile number? tbh the thought of dps ow still texting him (known since March) would have left me cold. x

shorttermnamechange · 23/08/2012 17:31

That's a really good idea. Would send her a clear message and would take some control back into your (and dh's) hands, rather than it being her choice to contact, or not.