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Original poster

So what do I do now?

85 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 14/08/2012 12:34

Affair is over.
DH not in contact. OW leaving work for a new job.
He's made it clear that he wants to stay and is trying to fix things. He's told me what I wanted (sometmes more than I wanted). I think I know the extent of it.
All his friends are telling him he's a twat of the highest order and are totally 'on my side' (which helps).

But I don't feel that much better. Have had major ups and downs. I have had periods where I felt elated that our relationship had improved almost as if his affair was a shot in the arm. I have felt insecure and clingy. I have been so angry and hurt I felt like I would poison anyone who touched me. I have hated OW and I have been indifferent to her. I have never hated DH for some reason but I've been angry with him.

My self-esteem is at rock bottom. I need to work on that not him I know.

It feels like such a huge effort to carry on being happy and rational for the sake of the children when a lot of the time I want to curl up in a corner with a book and hide. It's been such a bloody marathon.

Right now DH is looking battered and a bit sorry for himself (his texts to friends imply that he is too). I am feeling calm but indifferent to it all. I know it will only be a matter of time before it all blows up again,

Have got some books on order from Amazon - one for him that gives him advice on how to help me get over it. And the Shirley glass book that someone lent but I managed to lose (oops!).

Where does it go from here? I'd like a roadmap please....

OP posts:
Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 23/08/2012 17:56

Great idea. Thanks.

He picked me up from work and gave me a huge hug. He said sorry for involving her in our lives. He hasn't replied. I am going for a run now.We will compose a text together later.

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Looksgoodingravy · 23/08/2012 19:09

Dp also made sure I was there when he destroyed the sim card with his old number on it.

Hope you have a lovely meal tonight.

stargazy · 23/08/2012 21:58

Not much time to post ORM but been thinking of you.Your discovery date exactly same as mine!Only it was two years earlier for me that I found out about sexually explicit texts via OWs DH.
A couple of months post discovery I was still so upset at times by sight of DHs phone,viewed it as a weapon of mass destruction.Although logic,and other things ,told me he had cut all contact with OW I asked him to get a new one,and number.He promptly did.He gave me the old one.I took it to the car park near work where they had their numerous lunch time chats.I reversed over it several times and dropped it in a bin.Crazy but cathartic!

izzyizin · 23/08/2012 22:12

If she's due to be back working in the same place in another 10 days or so, it seems to me that having him change his phone and whacking him over the head with the redundant model or number will bring you much in the way of relief or cathartic release.

As for why she wanted him, he gave her the attention she craves and, in the process, he was stupid enough to believe that he could recreate or re-live love's young dream.

It's the age-old story of horny old goats there being no fool as sad as like an old one.

Looksgoodingravy · 23/08/2012 23:09

Star, dp changing his number was a huge thing for me, he told me that all other numbers had been deleted but that didn't mean that the ow had deleted his number! it meant a great deal and I am completely with you with regards to viewing the phone as the villain too, when I looked at dp with his phone after finding out about all the texting he'd been doing I felt sick, all the intimate exchanges, his phone was his accomplice. Even though he didn't change his phone his number being changed was enough for me, we then went through all of his contacts.

izzyizin · 23/08/2012 23:24

oh dear, I've made a boo-boo - my response of 22.12 should say that having him change his phone/number won't bring much relief if she's going to continue working at the same establishment.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 24/08/2012 10:21

Agreed izzy. But there is nothing I can do about that. If she is still there when term starts (and if she is I wonder why as the other opportunity was her 'dream job') we will have to take it from there.

Well DH and I got a little drunk last night and what started out as a serious discussion ended up with a lot of laughing and some silly messages being suggested. Most of them a bit florid, some very very rude and one in the style of Jane Austen ('Dear Madam, I have received your message with some surprise. I am unaware in what manner I have been so fortunate as to have deserved your most cordial concern for my welfare. I keep well and am in good spirits. I must respectfully request that you refrain from further communications as I am unable to see there are any further matters of discussion or interest between. My affetions are most assuredly engaged elsewhere. I beg you to beleive I am your respectful servant....! We didn't send any of them.

Message sent was disapointingly boring but to the point '"Please no not contact me again'.

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OliveandJim · 24/08/2012 12:11

If your thursday evenings are yours to spend together, I'd still try and listen to why he thinks this could have happened? He must have thought about it, as guilty as he feels he must have tried to rationalise how he could have ended up in such a tragic situation and do that to you! The more you become a team again, the less power OW will have so I'd work on that!

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 24/08/2012 12:17

Thanks olive.

He has told me why he thinkis it happened. We've been through it all a hundred times. I have 'forgiven' him if that is the right word. But I can't and don't think I will ever forget.

One of the things we had let slip was spending time together as a couple. We are addressing that now. It's delightful to find how much we are enjoying being together.

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OliveandJim · 24/08/2012 12:23

You seem to share the same type of humour / mindset so that's an excellent point to start building the next chapter of your relationship. Perhaps see it as a wake up call for the two of you? As I mentioned on your other thread, in my humble opinion, love relies heavily on the capacity and the will to forgive, understand and empathise. If you both have these ingredients at hand, you'll be invincible as a couple. Let time do the healing.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 25/08/2012 18:59

"love relies heavily on the capacity and the will to forgive, understand and empathise." I totally agree. I'm not perfect and clearly neither is DH.

Things have moved on. I think DH has started to process the events of the last few months himself. Since I found out it's all been about reassuring me. But now I think her text has released something - he keeps following me around, won't let me leave the room without following me after a few minutes. It's as if our positions are reversed. He keeps apologising and telling me he loves me even more than before. Which is nice, but weird.

He has also told me a few extra little things - apparently 'he was the man for her' - she told him that many times. Although he always told her he loved me and wouldn't leave me, he suspects she never quite beleived it until the say she broke it off - and even then she initiated the texts again after the 'break'.

I can see why she must have been appealing to him - she thought him wonderful, I was depressed and distant. And the day after she split up with him I had a go at him about his laziness and hostility to the whole family - I actually said 'I should have kicked you out years ago' Hmm. No wonder he nearly walked out when he knew I was going to have to find out everything and there was a loving doormat woman waiting for him.

She must have been so upset when I found the texts and he still didn't leave.

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Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 25/08/2012 19:02

I actually sent him to the pub! I needed a break.

I think the huge horrible reality of what he risked has hit him. Properly.

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Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 25/08/2012 19:12

For which am delighted. Hope it hurts.

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Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 25/08/2012 19:24

No I don't. Not really.

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shorttermnamechange · 25/08/2012 19:57

Orm, I don't think you were actually wrong to have a go about him being lazy and hostile towards the family - he probably was. He deserved to be pulled up on it. Don't feel you were wrong to do that.

As for her feeling upset that he didn't leave - well, good. She deserves to feel upset. This woman wasn't a total stranger to you - she knew you and did this anyway. I take the view that if you get involved with someone who is committed elsewhere and you get your fingers burnt, tough shit!

I think it is good that the balance of power is shifting in your relationship and that he is coming to a realisation of all he has almost lost. I hope things settle down, to an even and equal keel, because that is when you will truly know if everything is better, long term.

When I think about what happened, I still feel sick - even though he says it was just meaningless titillation, it is still evidence that my husband wanted (however briefly) someone other than me. I also feel that although I have my faults, I didn't deserve for him to do that, with so little thought for me and how I would feel, so I am angry, too. I now feel far less tolerant of any crap and I hate the feeling that there is no longer any room for second chances, because this is the last chance as far as I'm concerned. I will not be here again. But in terms of our day to day relationship, there is a lot more honesty between me and dh now and we are both making a proper effort to spend time together. So long as he keeps his word, we will be okay. The hard thing is in trusting him to do so. I am scared that at some distant point down the line, how he feels now will become a faded memory and he will get stressed/bored/want a distraction and will be tempted to do this again. That will be it for me, then.

JustFabulous · 25/08/2012 20:07

I think it is time he changed his number. Bare minimum.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 26/08/2012 10:23

Number changed as of yesterday.

I agree I did nothing wrong but I can see why it seemed easier to leave than fix the mess.

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Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 04/09/2012 09:32

Oh guess what? She hasn't left after all. What a surprise Hmm

Dh doesn't know why as he hasn't spoken to her.

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OliveandJim · 04/09/2012 11:00

He won't be able to avoid talking to her for long....The rest of the office would notice something's not quite right.

Could you meet him for lunch (are you working close by) swing by his office, mark your territory? Give her the evil look?

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 04/09/2012 11:13

Not really. I am the other side of town and have no lunch break. And he doesn't get much of one either. Don't care if he talks to her really as long as the conversation consists of work-related issues only. They are no longer in the same classroom all day - she's now the IT bod (laughable really)

And he has to tell me when he has contact with her.

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OliveandJim · 04/09/2012 11:44

Oh well, OW is probably a painful reminder of what a little sh*t he's been so there you go! DH will probably avoid her like the plague. Who wants to be reminded of their shortcomings & failings...

JustFabulous · 04/09/2012 12:34

"He won't be able to avoid talking to her for long....The rest of the office would notice something's not quite right."

It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks and it is none of their business. He needs to be professional and polite. That is all.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 04/09/2012 12:45

He just replied to my text:

"Yes (to my reminder to let me know if the speak). We do not share any timetable time and I have no reason to speak to her'"

I really really have to let it go now. When does the insecurity vanish for good?

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stargazy · 05/09/2012 08:28

Hi there ORM.Hope you are doing OK today.Must have stirred you up,to hear she's still there.I know it would with me.But you've done so amazingly well please stay strong.
As for the insecurity, even though logic and other circumstances told me he had absolutely no contact anymore I still felt massively insecure for months, and had previously been a confident person.So don't feel guilty if finding out she's still around his place of work makes you feel bad.It would have messed with my head.I was told OW and her DH had split up, and then later found out they hadn't.Why I even cared now I don't know, but at the time I think she wanted a sympathy, and from what I've subsequently learnt she's well known as a drama queen.But just being told one thing, then discovering another can stir up strong emotions in the aftermath of a betrayal.

Your comment' I really have to let it go now' really resonates - as if you are taking responsibility for making everything right and back to normal.Don't put yourself under that pressure.I.stopped being hard on myself when I had a bad day and just rolled with it IYSWIM eventually,accepting most days were good and getting better.It's hard work for both of you to get back on track and put this behind you.But your DH created this situation, and is the one who must put in massive effort to reassure and rectify.Hope you have a good day x

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 05/09/2012 10:11

Thanks star. I must admit I think OW was trying to force DH's hand a few times in their relationship. But I don't know how much of that is me looking at her with a jaundiced eye and which is true. From things I have learned since I feel more and more strongly that he was her route out of her marriage.

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