Am I the one with the problem?

[Kladdkaka]

I commented on a thread in AIBU the other day saying how I do things in relation to my family. This seemed normal and perfectly reasonable to me. Other people comment that it wasn't. Since then I've thought about it a lot and am beginning to think that I have normalised behaviours which are not normal.

It is making me question all my interractions with them. I have always felt sidelined and not quite part of the family. I have Aspergers and thought that this was why but now I don't know. My mum has said that most of the issues I have with other family members is because I'm too sensitive and the rest don't bother with me much because I'm difficult and always doing stuff wrong. I'm perpetually torn between wanting them in my life because they're my family and other than them I have no contact outside my house (I don't have any friends) and wanting to never see any of them again.

Sorry I'm waffling. I can't explain properly what I mean, I'll give a couple of recent examples instead.

First example (what I posted in the AIBU thread), I always send my nieces and nephews birthday presents. However my daughter has never received so much as a card from any of my siblings (apart from the ones my mum sometimes buys and sends from them). The presents I send are never acknowledged, I live abroad now and don't even know if they're received. I know that if I say how it makes me feel, that'll be my problem and they won't be interested.

Second example, when I was last visiting my mum she had a visit from an old colleague whose son had recently passed his professional qualification. My mum then spent 10 minutes discussing SIL who was studying for the same qualification and how well she was doing, and how clever she was and how she was so proud of her etc. This was all in front of her actual daughter (ie me) who is studying for the same but didn't warrant a mention. I told her afterwards that I felt upset this by this (was in tears actually) and was completely dismissed as being too sensitive. In fact she got quite angry that I brought it up.

I have so many more events that I don't know whether it's me or them. They all think it's me and everyone loves them and thinks they're fantastic, but nobody likes me, so maybe they're right.

No, its definitely them.

You do nice kind things and are ignored, your child is ignored and yet you are too sensitive? No. They are self absorbed, selfish people.

Your mothers attitude to your studies is odd, is she perhaps jealous of you? ARe they all jealous of you? did you SIL start her studies after you or are you doing better in them than her?

Whatever the reasons, and I suspect you may never know, I would be reconsidering any contact. And stop sending the presents!

I cant help wondering if their treatment of you has exacerbated your Aspergers issues, as I wouldnt be confident in social situations if I was constantly put down by those that are supposed to love and support me.

I get the feeling that they're just not interested. Or maybe it's because I don't share the same humour. Everyone thinks they're hilarious but I think they're cruel. Their jokes are always at somebody else's expense.

Like when I was emigrating, we bought a house over the internet (with help from husbands new colleagues in new country). They sent us pictures of the house and garden. This was the first house we've been able to buy and I was excited. I took the pictures round to a family gathering and asked if anyone wanted to see them. My mum had a look but my sister said no, laughed uproariously and everyone else did the same. None of them have ever seen so much as a picture of my home and have never been to visit or shown any interest in doing so.

Its not you, its them.

You could be right bogey about it making my Aspergers issues worse. I have so many difficulties in adulthood that I can see connected to things in the past. I struggle with talking to people because I paranoid that I talk too much. I play conversations over and over again in my head trying to figure out when I should have been quiet. Partly I think because I remember my dad making everyone laugh by asking who was going to pay my gas bill. Or the time at the dinner table where he reached over and literally held my lips closed when I was talking.

They sound horrible. I'd detatch if I were you. They don't deserve you.

Oh Kladdkaka

Your Dad and your family sound horrible. I have no idea how people can treat a child like that (even though I know they do). I am not surprised you have lots of issues, but honestly, anyone who had a family like yours would have lots of issues too - regardless of Aspergers - this is not about you.

I think, if you live abroad, then maybe reducing contact to a minimum might be the way to go. Could you do that?

I also think you need some help/counselling with your self-esteem. We all make mistakes in conversation and sometimes talk too much. I know that with Aspergers this may happen more often, but it's not the end of the world and shouldn't stop you from making friends. The problem is more your lack of confidence and self esteem - and that is sadly a gift from your family.

There is a book that is normally recommended 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward (please correct me if I'm wrong someone). Why don't you start with that and see if you recognise any of the scenarios?

Thanks, I've found it Amazon.

The problem is that I still love them, especially my mum. Although these days I don't see them much, only when I go back every 2 years or so. My mum rings me once every few months, the others never do.

I'm going back soon for my brothers wedding. I dithered about going for ages because I suppose deep down inside I know I don't want to go, but not going would be so final and I just can't face what that means.

If you want to stay in contact, then that's fine. I just wanted to emphasise that you don't have to, just because they are family.

None of us would choose to be with people who belittle and mock us - and blood ties don't change that.

Living abroad sounds like a good idea!

You my darling girl are a wonderful, kind, well meaning, loving and generous person and people should feel privileged to know you. No body has the right to make you feel anything less than wonderful and if your parents have left you doubting yourself then that's their failing, not yours.

Never stop loving your parents or your family. You're not supposed to and you're not that woman. I agree that seeing a councillor or your self esteem issues could really help you but not going home for a wedding isn't final. Not at all. If it's likely to be detrimental to your sense of self then it's better for you and your dc that you have an excuse (you have to wash your hair ) and spend the day with your dc being a wonderful mother.

And you think you talk too much? There's no such thing as talking too much. If people don't want to listen then that's their problem and you shouldn't apologise or their failings!

It's not you.

It's them. I'm sorry, I know this is almost harder to get your head around than believing you're 'faulty' ... not least because that's what your family has always told you about yourself If you haven't already done so, google the Scapegoat family role.

You might find the Stately Homes threads useful, especially the links in the first posts.

They dont sound very nice at all and have certainly contributed to you feeling the way you do. You say you don't have many friends though? Would you line to make more? It may help you if you build a nice circle of friends?

Gosh. You sound like a loving, attentive, interested, well rounded member of your family.

I think the rest of them could well do with learning a lot about sensitivity. An awful lot. They sound utterly awful.

It's hurtful when you realise your family actually isn't that interested in you. I have four brothers and whilst I know how busy life can be, it's been quite hard coming to terms with the fact that they actually don't give a hoot or even like me.

I would stop bothering personally. They sound ungracious and unkind.

If you do continue to send gifts, you will just have to come to terms with the fact that they are ignorant people who do not believe in saying thank you.

I would not be around people who mock and sneer at me the way your folks seem to. It's vile.

Keep talking to your mother but keep it neutral and light hearted. She doesn't sound like someone who will back you up anyway.

Concentrate on your dd and making her feel special and confident.

I'm very sorry that you are subjected to this nastiness.

Has it always been like this? I think families sometimes dont see that people have grown up and moved on and have lives.
They probably still see you as a 10 year old.

I'm only saying that from my own point of view. I am the youngest in my family. Big gap between me and the other 4 they are between 10 and 16 years older than me.

I have three kids bought my own home at 23, etc., etc..
I would be talked over if we were all in company. My mother lives within a 10 minute drive of us and never calls. If she does, she tells me how wonderful she is and how all the rest of the family are doing. I gave up telling her what I was doing as I get a kind of Oh that's nice dear, response.

I feel for you OP. Families are hard work and given your aspergers, it seems like they can say its your problem and not them being unreasonable.

No advice there really, sorry!

You have a thousand friends on here .

Thank you for all your kind words.

Triffiddealer I don't think I do want to stay in contact with them. The problem is that I can't bring myself to accept that they are never going to change because they don't want to. So my head says one thing but my heart says something else.

garlicnuts I've had a quick read about the scapegoat family role. That is so like my family it's scary.

50shadesofslapntickle I don't have any friends. I am currently going through the appeal process with social services because they rejected my application for help with social contact because they say my level of social contact is normal. I was referred by the autism counsellor at the hospital. He's gobsmacked that I've been rejected. I see my husband and daughter (who is off to university soon), a phone call from my mum once a month, and a couple of other people who I see maybe once every year or two. Other than that, the only contact I have with other people is here.

WinkyWinkola my mum doesn't back me up at all. As a teenager my older brother decided I was a lesbian because I hadn't had a boyfriend (I was 12). He then spent the next 3 years chanting homophobic names at me every day and got my other siblings and his friends to do the same. I used to plead with my mum to make him stop but was always told to stop being a baby.

Then a couple of years ago they all organised a surprise 70th birthday party for my dad. Hired a venue, booked a disco, caterers etc. But they forgot to tell me about it. I found out by accident about 4 days before. I was so hurt and didn't go. My sister and mum turned up at my house to see why we weren't there (I had told them but they didn't accept it). My mum stood there and said nothing while my sister screamed and screamed at me calling me all the names under the sun and told me how selfish I was. I was hysterial, crying, hands over ears, rocking, repeating 'stop it, stop it, stop it'. (It affected me so badly that I was signed off work for 6 months afterwards.) In the end my husband threw her out. The only thing my mum said, as she was leaving, was 'so are you coming then?'

TiggerWearsATriteSmile they don't accept my Aspergers diagnosis. They think it's rubbish (the condition as a whole) and just an excuse for being difficult.

Blimey, that's a mammoth post.

Unbef*ckinlievable.

How can they treat their DAUGHTER like this?

IT´S NOT YOU IT´s THEM.

You sound so very sad in your posts, I am very, very angry on your behalf.

I don`t know what to say about moving forward, except that you seem to be doing everything you can to do so. As you move forward, I suspect you will start to see them more clearly and will be able to move away from them.

I would definitely explore Stately Homes and scapegoats.

x

Klad, you KNOW you are not the one with the problem.

They set you up by 'forgetting' to invite you.

Your brother was and probably still is an imbecile for the lesbian taunts. My brother used to do something like that by constantly chanting, "Pregnant at 16." at mr. Never mind I never had a boyfriend or a period until I was 18.

You cannot put up with this abuse anymore. No need for drama. Just fade out of view. I do feel for you. They sound cruel and actually like they need some mental health help themselves actually.

I think totally disengaging from your family is very hard, but ultimately the right thing for some people. Would you be able to get support / counselling from work or GP?

Absolutely agree that you should look at the Stately Homes thread.

CinnabarRed what a lovely post. Simple and straight to the point.

Yep, another vote here for "it's not you it's them".

The scales fell from my eyes when I read the Stately Homes thread x

Your family sound horrible!

If you can't face going 'no contact' try very very 'low contact' and protect yourself emotionally from them - just remember it's them if they get nasty and don't let it get to you. You will make a complete break from them when/if it feels right.

Oh you poor love. Where are you, are in the UK?

You can't unfortunately, choose who your parents are, but you can choose to just let them go.

If you can, I would leave it til just before your brother's wedding and then let them know you won't be there (give them some excuse). Brace yourself for the fallout - then NEVER contact them again.

We love you.

It is definately them not you. They sound like really horrible people, not a family who loves or supports you at all. If you really can't or don't want to drop all contact keep it to a minimum, maybe a call occasionally and cards at Xmas/birthdays. They really aren't worth the upset or hurt they are causing you. Especially if they are affecting your health.

I genuinely think they are jealous of you. Bottom line, if they are being mean to you then there is something wrong with them. There's no excuse to be hurtful and nasty to you and you are obviously a nice person. Maybe they are bitter for some reason, and don't like seeing you happier.