Am I the one with the problem?

[Kladdkaka]

I commented on a thread in AIBU the other day saying how I do things in relation to my family. This seemed normal and perfectly reasonable to me. Other people comment that it wasn't. Since then I've thought about it a lot and am beginning to think that I have normalised behaviours which are not normal.

It is making me question all my interractions with them. I have always felt sidelined and not quite part of the family. I have Aspergers and thought that this was why but now I don't know. My mum has said that most of the issues I have with other family members is because I'm too sensitive and the rest don't bother with me much because I'm difficult and always doing stuff wrong. I'm perpetually torn between wanting them in my life because they're my family and other than them I have no contact outside my house (I don't have any friends) and wanting to never see any of them again.

Sorry I'm waffling. I can't explain properly what I mean, I'll give a couple of recent examples instead.

First example (what I posted in the AIBU thread), I always send my nieces and nephews birthday presents. However my daughter has never received so much as a card from any of my siblings (apart from the ones my mum sometimes buys and sends from them). The presents I send are never acknowledged, I live abroad now and don't even know if they're received. I know that if I say how it makes me feel, that'll be my problem and they won't be interested.

Second example, when I was last visiting my mum she had a visit from an old colleague whose son had recently passed his professional qualification. My mum then spent 10 minutes discussing SIL who was studying for the same qualification and how well she was doing, and how clever she was and how she was so proud of her etc. This was all in front of her actual daughter (ie me) who is studying for the same but didn't warrant a mention. I told her afterwards that I felt upset this by this (was in tears actually) and was completely dismissed as being too sensitive. In fact she got quite angry that I brought it up.

I have so many more events that I don't know whether it's me or them. They all think it's me and everyone loves them and thinks they're fantastic, but nobody likes me, so maybe they're right.

Well, hold on. It IS a big problem if you don't learn from their mistakes! Not only for you but your dd.

Your family have presented you with a big problem in terms of their behaviour.

You can accept their behaviour and make it your problem. Or you can leave it. That is possibly a problem for you. (Need synonyms for problem!)

You're very quick to take responsibility for them and their weird, vile and extreme nastiness.

What you need to take responsibility for is how you respond to them and how you allow them to influence and menace your life. Otherwise it will go on and on and nobody is strong enough to deal with such awful awful people.

Let me be clear.

You do have a problem in that your family are awful to you and yours.

You are not the problem because the way you describe your behaviour is that of a very normal, kind, attentive loving person who has been hurt a lot. There is a big difference.

I don't believe nobody likes you at all as you state in your op. I think you think that because you've been subjected to so much unkindness.

Klad.

A woman who doesn't take a small child's burn for treatment is not a good person. If she goes on to deny the severity of the injury, she is a mad person.

An uncle who makes a big promise to child and creates a build-up to it, then lets her down is a cruel person. If he harshly tells his niece to fuck off, he is a bad person.

Families that make one (or more) of their members feel they are unloveable are fucked-up. This is nowhere near 'normal' behaviour. They have bullied you all your life :(

As Winky said: You HAVE a problem: your family. This is completely different from saying you ARE the problem!

The fact that you have a happy marriage with a lovely, sweet, kind husband means you're a nice person too. Your family were wrong to say you're not nice. You're okay and they are cruel.

I know how very, very hard it is to encompass this discovery. It can feel like you're in a scary movie or something, it kind of turns your world on its head. Have you looked at the Stately Homes threads? Lots of people there going through similar, and lots of helpful links on the first page.

My advice is go easy on yourself. Take your time and talk plenty with DH and the other sane people in your life :) Adopt a very cautious attitude towards your birth family. As time goes on and you explore the matter more, you will find you can see them for who they really are - good and bad - without feeling upset about them. All the best.

Klad - I am glad your DD can see through the rubbish and so sorry that she has been affected by your brother's foul grandstanding as well.

She is of an age now where she can choose whether or not to maintain contact - I would allow her this choice in full. She might adore her nanny but that seems bound to you still loving your mum too - perhaps for some reason you both have a blind spot where she is concerned, because I will say it again: SHE allowed this situation to develop and happen. She IS at the root of it, even if she doesn't contribute personally herself now - why would she bother, she's set up her drones to do it for her.

I think that taking a break from them all would be beneficial to you all - give you some breathing space, allow you to find yourselves as people and family without their malign views colouring your own.

And remember - you and your DH are lovely warm people who are so lucky to have each other, and to have a lovely DD. You all deserve much better than you're getting from the toxic crowd who are unfortunately blood-related to you. Remember as well that the "wrong" blood can kill you - blood's not always a good thing.

Oh Klads - your family have convinced you that you're the problem and you're not, really and truly.

I wonder if you feel you could discuss all this with your DD. How YOU feel about your family and that you are thinking of cutting contact for the benefit of YOUR health. It might be interesting to hear her point of view.

Maybe write down all the incidents (like you've started to do on this post - I'm sure there are many, many more) - I think it will open your eyes to see it written down.