Am I the one with the problem?

[Kladdkaka]

I commented on a thread in AIBU the other day saying how I do things in relation to my family. This seemed normal and perfectly reasonable to me. Other people comment that it wasn't. Since then I've thought about it a lot and am beginning to think that I have normalised behaviours which are not normal.

It is making me question all my interractions with them. I have always felt sidelined and not quite part of the family. I have Aspergers and thought that this was why but now I don't know. My mum has said that most of the issues I have with other family members is because I'm too sensitive and the rest don't bother with me much because I'm difficult and always doing stuff wrong. I'm perpetually torn between wanting them in my life because they're my family and other than them I have no contact outside my house (I don't have any friends) and wanting to never see any of them again.

Sorry I'm waffling. I can't explain properly what I mean, I'll give a couple of recent examples instead.

First example (what I posted in the AIBU thread), I always send my nieces and nephews birthday presents. However my daughter has never received so much as a card from any of my siblings (apart from the ones my mum sometimes buys and sends from them). The presents I send are never acknowledged, I live abroad now and don't even know if they're received. I know that if I say how it makes me feel, that'll be my problem and they won't be interested.

Second example, when I was last visiting my mum she had a visit from an old colleague whose son had recently passed his professional qualification. My mum then spent 10 minutes discussing SIL who was studying for the same qualification and how well she was doing, and how clever she was and how she was so proud of her etc. This was all in front of her actual daughter (ie me) who is studying for the same but didn't warrant a mention. I told her afterwards that I felt upset this by this (was in tears actually) and was completely dismissed as being too sensitive. In fact she got quite angry that I brought it up.

I have so many more events that I don't know whether it's me or them. They all think it's me and everyone loves them and thinks they're fantastic, but nobody likes me, so maybe they're right.

Where in the UK are you? I'd certainly be your friend.

I'm not in the UK anymore. This is a mixed blessing. It means it's easier to keep them at arms length but also gives them an excuse for not bothering.

The way they are/have been results in me acting in a way which makes me feel like a horrible person. For example, my little niece had an accident and has had to undergo some hospital treatment as a result. My mum keeps sending me messages about how my poor sister is so upset and trying to involve me in supporting her.

But, when my daughter was little she got a serious burn while in the care of my mum and sister and they never bothered to take her to the hospital. I found out when I collected her from school. I was devasted, she had to go to hospital every couple of days for treatment for weeks. At first the hospital staff treated me like shit because they thought I was the one who neglected her, they changed completely when they realised I brought her in as soon as I found out. They gave me a phone and told me to ring my sister in front of them to find out what had happened (they didn't believe me at this point) and why she hadn't been brought in the day before. She got really angry at me asking, told me to fuck off and hung up on me.

So now I find myself thinking she's getting a dose of her own medicine. But I don't like feeling like that.

So your daughter got injured in your sister's care and she tells YOU to fuck off?

My word. And you think you might be the problem here? Seriously?

You really need to step far away from these people.

They sound utterly twisted and seem to regularly sh*t on you from a great height.

Don't let it happen to you or your dd again.

You are absolutely right. In my head I know everything everyone has said is right. But when this twisted version reality has been the only point of reference my whole life, it's difficult to adjust. I wish I had a magic wand or a memory erasing machine.

Actually, now that I think of it, the Aspergers has probably made it even harder for me. I haven't grown up with friends outside the family. I haven't gone through adulthood with the support of others who could back me up emotionally when my instinct is screaming out that this is wrong. I'm either in this strange, twilight zone family or I'm entirely alone.

Hmm, going to have to lie down and ponder on that one.

Klad - read this back as though someone else was writing it about their family - see if that helps you to dissociate from it a little and see it how we are seeing it.

Your family, I'm sorry to say, are a bunch of fucking bastards.
They let your DD get hurt and refused to take her for treatment? That's beyond callous, that's criminally cruel.
They refuse to accept your diagnosis/condition as real because it doesn't suit them. That's the only reason.

I know you love your mum - but really, does she deserve it? bear in mind that she has brought your siblings up to treat you this way, she has done nothing to protect you - she is as at least as bad as they are, if not worse, because you are her daughter and she should have protected you.

Can I ask, where are you in the sibling order? middle somewhere?

You're quite right Thumbwitch. I'd tell anyone else to get out, keep running and never look back.

I'm second eldest of 5, eldest girl. I was always the one who had to take responsibility for the others. If they were naughty, I got in trouble.

My daughter was 5 when she got the burn. She reached across the ironing table to take something off my sister at the same time as my mum stood the iron up on it. She had the head of the iron (about 1/3) burnt into her forearm. It was awful. She had to keep it out of sunlight for 2 years and after that for years, whenever she tanned this iron impression would appear on her arm :(

So - you are the most direct "competition" for your mum, as it were, which might explain why you were (and are) the chosen scapegoat - although there doesn't always need to be a reason like that.

Your poor DD - just makes me so on both your behalfs that your fuckwitted mother and sister thought that they could get away without treating it. :(

The more I read, the more I want you to cut all ties and let them get on with it! Did you even get an apology off your mum/sis for the burn!? Even if it was an accident, it's disgraceful to send your DD to school and not even inform you! Social services could have got involved if the school were worried! If something had happened to my DD whilst under the care of my mother, it'd be a long time, if ever, that she'd be aloud unsupervised access again.

I wonder if it's a case of jealous, bullying or not accepting your diagnosis. Did anyone ever take you to the doctors regarding it or were you diagnosed later in life?

Hope you don't think I'm speaking out of turn here, but my DP was treated fairly badly growing up (I don't really know much about it) mainly by his dad, but as it turns out his dad isn't his biological father, at least we presume. Can't get any answers out of his mother and there's no-one listed on his birth certificate. Is there any chance you were treated differently because you were adopted for example?

Funny you should say that, growing up I used to pray that I was adopted or mixed up in hospital. Unfortunately though I look too much like my dad to doubt it.

I didn't get my diagnosis until I was an adult. I never got help for anything when I was a child. I fell off the top of a climbing frame when I was 15 and seriously injured my back. I wasn't taken to see anyone. I've had hours and hours of physio as an adult trying to undo the damage.

I kept telling my mum I had verrucas when I was about 11 that were hurting. She never did anything until I starting crying from pain in church one day and the guide leader got involved. By this point the whole of the sole of my foot was covered in them. I had to have special treatment and my feet were bandaged for about 2 months.

I was sent home from school with mumps, German measles and chicken pox (at different times). When I fell while ice-skating at 17 and broke my tailbone I didn't even bother telling anyone. There was no point. I just endured the agony in silence for 6 months until it healed itself.

God I sound so bloody miserable.

Oh Kladdkaka, you're a mum. You know how you feel about your daughter and you know how your mum has treated you (and allowed the others to treat you) is wrong.

I'm so glad you live so far away from them. Cut them off, build a new life with the family that matters to you and loves you.

And to be honest, I think you should cancel the plane tickets.

What does your DH think? Will he support you?

The rest of your family are vile.

It gets better and better were the other kids treated the same in regards to getting medical treatment etc? I just wonder why they all picked on/neglected you but treated the other kids ok!?

Kladd - you don't sound miserable, you're detailing what amounts to abuse. Neglect and abuse. :(

I can understand that you still wish that your mum was a real mum to you, and that you may even be still striving to do things to get her affection; but in all seriousness, she sounds utterly toxic (yes I know it's used a lot) and abusive and you might just do better to cut her out of your life entirely, along with the rest of them.

I am so :( that you have been treated like this and been made to think that it's all your fault as well - no it isn't.

I am the luckiest person alive when it comes to my husband. He has Asperger's too and drives me absolutely demented with his aspie ways. But he also loves me unconditionally and totally. I know he will fully support me in everything and anything I do. He is my silver lining

(And they treat him terribly too. Making jokes at his expense and making fun behind his back. He's not a proper man see, he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he adores his wife, he puts his family first, works hard, is gentle and caring. They laugh at him because he worries about the animals in winter and puts food out for the birds, the hedgehogs, the bats, the deer and the moose and the foxes, and he helps the elderly people in the street with DIY and their cars and such like. He's worth a million of them)

10 million. He sounds like an absolutely lovely man. I wouldn't subject him to their vileness any more either.

Save your money - save yourselves the pain - don't visit them again. They're not worth it.

Kirsty, I dont' think the other got the help either. I think they're just as messed up too, but don't seem to want to change. My youngest sister tried to kill herself when she 15. She was only allowed taken to one appointment with the psychologist. Any more was too much effort. She left home at 16 as she was taken in by someone in the church. For quite a few years she effectively cut herself off from everyone but has since returned to the fold.

Kladdkaka, your posts make me so sad. You sound lovely and they sound, well, horrible. It's so obvious that you really are the family scapegoat, the one they can shout at/blame/be nasty to. The incident with your sister and your daughter getting burnt is terrible. These are not nice people. I am so sorry, I don't think it can have helped having such terrible role models for you in terms of love and kindness, thank goodness for your lovely husband and daughter.

You'd think all you kids would be quite close then, as your shit childhoods would bond you. I wouldn't bother with the presents any-more and if anyone says anything about it all you have to say is "i don't give to receive, but a thank you would have been nice" Fuck the lot of them! Your DH sounds fab!

Blimey, how could I forget. I say I'm the second of 5 but that's not quite true. My dad had 3 children from his first marriage, of which the youngest 2 lived with us. My half sister cut off all contact with my parents for about 10 years, although has had a little bit of contact over the last couple of years. My half brother has cut of all contact for the last 35 years. So maybe it's not just me.

Funny how the half-siblings - who have sounder values - had migrated off your radar, isn't it Klad? Wonder who engineered that?

Kirsty, it's never that simple is it. My sibs and I 'feel' very close but in practice we're more like acquaintances. In childhood we bonded over the attacks, etc, but there was also fierce competition for favourable reasonable treatment by the parents. Without a sensible model of caring behaviour, we didn't have the emotional and social tools for relationship-building: only the dramatic highs & lows of children (and my parents).

I would imagine Klad's sibs know no different. From the 'normal', functional side of things it can be hard to see why an otherwise healthy adult would choose crazy behaviour over sanity. But if you've only ever known crazy, then it really is all you know. People from dysfunctional families often want to be 'normal' and try to imitate what they observe sane people doing. The effort is doomed to failure, though, as feelings and responses can't be altered by a simple effort of will. They literally don't know what normal is.

Kladdkaka

I was going to say that your posts make me so sad, but then when I read about your DH it made me smile. What a lovely man. I am so glad you found each other. They hate him because he is decent and honourable and makes you happy. If they liked him, it would be because he was the same as them - cruel, and intent on bullying you.

Can I ask, what does your daughter think of it all? Have you ever discussed your family with her? Has she witnessed how they treat you? Have you explained to her how they make you feel? If she's going away to Uni this Sept she's old enough to understand the whole dynamic, so I wonder how it's affected her.

Everyone wants a Mum to love them. Everyone. It's very common among even the most abused children to find them defending their parents, but their Mum especially. It's innate, we want to love them. That's why it's so hard to walk away. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't.

My daughter sees through the rubbish, although she adores her Nanny. (Grandad died in June). My mum adores and spoils her. But she still sits on the fence regarding the rubbish. My brother over the years has made so many grand gestures to my daughter which make him look wonderful, but once the adoring public turn around he lets her down.

For example, she's aspie football mad and a few years ago he got 2 season tickets for the new stadium. He promised her that he would take her to the big game against ManU. He built it up and up and up. Had a sort of advent calendar with her counting down the days to the match. She was very excited. The day before the match I rang the house to find out what time he was collecting her only to be told he'd already gone. He'd taken a mate from work instead. To this day he still insists he took her to the match with him.

When she 13 he did it final time, promised her something he knew she wanted more than anything else (in front of lots of people so he could get all the adoration) then let her down. This time she sent him a message on facebook telling him how she felt. It was pretty brutal, but there was nothing in it which wasn't the truth. He replied with 'Go fuck yourself!'. I got a phone call demanding she delete it, she apologise to him, and I punish her for saying it, which I refused. Then we never heard from him again for 3 years.

Gawd, seeing it all together in one place like this is really disturbing. If anyone in my family sees this, I'm so up the creek.

"Then we never heard from him again for 3 years"

And this is the best thing that could have happened to both you and your dd. What an utterly vile man. How many more horrible stories are there like this?

This sounds very harsh but you know what they're like and if you expose your dd to them and their cruel ways again, then it is you who is to blame.

You are not up the creek if anyone in your family sees this thread. You need to break free from their toxic ways.

This sounds very harsh but you know what they're like and if you expose your dd to them and their cruel ways again, then it is you who is to blame.

So I AM the problem :(