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Relationships

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Original poster

So, new guy kind of admitted blowing hot and cold - do I tell him not to?

55 replies

NikitasSidekick · 13/08/2012 17:51

Already posted on the 'dating' thread about a lovely night we had last night. Only known him just under a month but think he's great, he treats me well, is loving, funny, kind and generous etc -

My major issue is that he blows hot and cold on me and I've posted about this before on here. I thought it was just my paranoia but last night, he admitted he does do this! Reason being - he likes me a lot and it scares him so one minute he's all over me - the next minute he realises he needs to tone it down and cools off. I don't think he realises what this does to me.

Example - had the most amazing night, I slept at his house, we had lots of 'fun' stayed awake most of the night hugging and talking, he told me some really personal, in depth stuff and also told me he hates being apart from me and would like to see us buy a place together eventually. I was all loved up - he went to work this morning leaving me to lock up and post the keys through the letter box. Before he left he hugged me, said he'd had an amazing night and we'd do something else this week before our camping trip on Friday.

An hour later, I left his house and text him that I'd posted the keys etc and said something along the lines of "had a great night, hope you have a good day xx"

He replied "cheers x"

Now all day - he's been quite cool with me. barely texting at all. He usually texts me when he leaves work at 4.30 and today he hasn't.

So he's told me why he blows hot and cold but - I don't like it :( I'm paranoid as it is without this.

Can I tell him it bothers me or will that just come across as being a little desperate "pay me more attention" type comment?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/08/2012 17:58

I would tell him to stop playing stupid games

Never mind how it "looks"

Who the fuck does he think he is ? He tells you the "reason" why he pisses around and then does it anyway. Basically, he is saying "I am going to treat you badly" and you are questioning yourself ?

AnyFucker · 13/08/2012 17:59

I would move on, love. It's not supposed to be this much hard work.

OhEmGee24 · 13/08/2012 17:59

A month in and youre discussing mortgages with a guy who blows hot and cold? Really?

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 13/08/2012 18:01

Harsh, but yes it will sound desperate and "pay me more attention".

Take it from someone who has done just this, and scared one guy off completely.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 13/08/2012 18:02

Hang on. Just read the other responses, and now I'm thinking scrub the embarrassed face. Must not doubt myself, must not doubt myself

LookBehindYou · 13/08/2012 18:04

He's messing you about. There's no such thing as hot and cold in early relationships. There is such a thing as keeping options open though and this is what he's doing while manipulating you to give him permission. Find someone else.

lubeybooby · 13/08/2012 18:07

What LookBehindYou said. Sorry OP

lisaro · 13/08/2012 18:10

He sounds needy at best, at worst weird. A month and talking about living together?

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 13/08/2012 18:11

Me again...

..He's talking about living together, albeit eventually. But after only knowing you a month or so?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

No further comments mi'Lord.

sadwidow28 · 13/08/2012 18:17

He is dragging you into a seriously manipulated relationship. You have three choices:

Go willingly (all doey-eyed)
Go kicking and screaming that you want more respect
Walk away now

ErikNorseman · 13/08/2012 18:19

Sorry, but men don't go cold because 'they like you too much and it scares them'
A man who likes a woman will behave as though he likes her. If he doesn't, then he's just not that into you.

Dogsmom · 13/08/2012 18:19

You clearly like him and I presume would rather be with him than move on so you should tell him straight that you'd like a relationship but not a hard work one, tell him you like to know where you stand and he needs to either have a normal, happy relationship which includes not ignoring you for no reason or find someone who will accept him being so indecisive.

He's playing you and if you let him get away with it now he'll always do it, show him you don't need him and get him to do the chasing.

Original poster

NikitasSidekick · 13/08/2012 18:35

See the thing is, when we're together he's always nice. He has said he doesn't like texting as you can't perceive how comments are meant. Everytime I ask him outright, he says he likes me and is not having second thoughts at all. It's just the texting really.

OP posts:

BlueMoon74 · 13/08/2012 18:38

Sorry - he's just not that into you.

I went out with this man!

I would move on, love. It's not supposed to be this much hard work.
Agree. 100%.

nkf · 13/08/2012 18:41

Okay, I am about to sound like your granny but why is all this happening after less than a month? Why is he texting all day long? Why is he talking about living together. You barely know this man. This is excitement and sex talking. You should be cooling it down not him. Take it slowly. Pace yourself.

Original poster

NikitasSidekick · 13/08/2012 18:41

Another thing - I'm an insomniac and literally kept him awake ALL night. He had to be up for 6am and managed to start dozing around 5am so he went to work like a zombie. He did text earlier that he was barely holding it together at work and would be going for a sleep when he got in. I replied that I was sorry to have kept him awake all night and he replied "you're worth it xx"

So am I really whinging over nothing?

OP posts:

thenightsky · 13/08/2012 18:42

So he knows himself exactly why he blows hot and cold. He is aware of his own bad behaviour and does nothing to stop doing it.

This will drive you to tears and frustration if you stay with him.

Move on. There are lots of less twatty nicer blokes out there.

Blackden · 13/08/2012 18:42

I agree with everything above. He's playing you big time and this is just the beginning. Let's face it, we show our best in the early days of dating. Wait till his hot and cold behaviour leads to him cancelling plans at the last minute, or telling you it's over one minute and trying to come back the next.
These sort of people really mess with your head. Don't let him do that.

NeedlesandPins · 13/08/2012 18:48

thenightsky yes but the less twatty blokes are usually very wet, ugly and usually desperate to hold on as i have found

sarahseashell · 13/08/2012 18:48

Whoa!! you're going way too fast at this imo. You need to take a massive step back here and take your time to get to know him, make sure you keep your own life/interests/friends etc going and not invest too much in someone you really do not know very well at all. It's so early on and it sounds like you are not taking proper time to get to know one another, which I really think you need to do, especially if you have dcs. I think you should slow it down massively, and texting less frequently (both of you) would help. What's the rush?

whatthewhatthebleep · 13/08/2012 18:55

I think you need to step away a bit...you're wearing those rose coloured spec's of happily ever after when it's been only a month!!!.....

SLOW DOWN...think about this and cool down a bit...it's very early days...so when he talks of living together, etc...you should just be replying with something lighthearted like...well, who knows the future, or well, if you play your cards right or something humourously putting things back on the simmer burner iyswim....

Time builds knowledge about who he is, what he really seeks and wants from life, etc...learn about his ways, opinion's about things, how he responds with other's, meet his friends and stuff...socialise and get to know him well.....then you will know how you feel and trust that based on reality....not an ideal desire you have in your mind....

Being intimate is too easy...it can easily pull you into something that isn't actually the best thing for you....slow this down too....he should want to be with you but shouldn't need or make any fuss if you choose to go home to your own bed, etc or send him home...take it slowly and give yourself a proper chance

SJisontheway · 13/08/2012 18:55

From your op his blowing cold on this occasion consisted of not texting as frequently as you would like. I think you are over thinking things. It doesn't really sound like game playing to me unless there is more to it. I do agree with other posters though that you should be pacing yourself. I wouldn't however be writing him off over texts being late according to your schedule.

amillionyears · 13/08/2012 18:56

You both need to cool it.
Go a lot slower.
That way,he has no excuses.
And if it is the real deal,you can wait.

DestinationUnknown · 13/08/2012 18:56

I don't get all the texting, why do grown adults have to communicate all day long whilst they're at work? I don't see the lack of texting as blowing hot and cold, perhaps he was just busy as well as exhausted and didn't have the time? Perhaps he left work thinking only about getting home for a sleep and didn't think that not telling you he was leaving work would be that big a deal?

TheDreadedFoosa · 13/08/2012 18:57

There is no such thing as being off with someone because you like them 'too much'.

He just sounds immature, and the thing with people who get all loved up super-quick...they also lose interest just as quickly.

Its up to you of course, but if you were my friend id hope youd bin him and find someone a bit less erratic.

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