So, new guy kind of admitted blowing hot and cold - do I tell him not to?

[NikitasSidekick]

Already posted on the 'dating' thread about a lovely night we had last night. Only known him just under a month but think he's great, he treats me well, is loving, funny, kind and generous etc -

My major issue is that he blows hot and cold on me and I've posted about this before on here. I thought it was just my paranoia but last night, he admitted he does do this! Reason being - he likes me a lot and it scares him so one minute he's all over me - the next minute he realises he needs to tone it down and cools off. I don't think he realises what this does to me.

Example - had the most amazing night, I slept at his house, we had lots of 'fun' stayed awake most of the night hugging and talking, he told me some really personal, in depth stuff and also told me he hates being apart from me and would like to see us buy a place together eventually. I was all loved up - he went to work this morning leaving me to lock up and post the keys through the letter box. Before he left he hugged me, said he'd had an amazing night and we'd do something else this week before our camping trip on Friday.

An hour later, I left his house and text him that I'd posted the keys etc and said something along the lines of "had a great night, hope you have a good day xx"

He replied "cheers x"

Now all day - he's been quite cool with me. barely texting at all. He usually texts me when he leaves work at 4.30 and today he hasn't.

So he's told me why he blows hot and cold but - I don't like it :( I'm paranoid as it is without this.

Can I tell him it bothers me or will that just come across as being a little desperate "pay me more attention" type comment?

I actually think it's more unreasonable to be expecting him to text every 5 minutes. It all sounds too intense and too keen (without really knowing him). You keeping him up all night is ridiculous too, in terms of being over-intense.

I think I would try and calm it all down, get to know him slowly and if he starts blowing hot and cold (properly hot and cold, not just not texting by 4pm every day) then give it a miss. But all of this is off-kilter, not just him.

Well a bloke who blows hot and cold is never that great IMO.

But that aside for a sec. It's all going REALLY quickly. Talks of houses, forever after, texting all day, specific time tables . That's not great and is quite needy and will attract fuckwits.

Don't allow yourself to be drawn into it, to be needy. Nothing good will come of it.

I don't know this bloke at all. But I'm imagining if a new bloke kept me up all night with insomnia...I'd be pretty cold as I'd be knackered.

I don't get it - you think he is blowing hot and cold as he doesn't text you throughout the day? Or he forgot to text you as he left work?...er can't you go a day wihtout hearing from him? Unless of course I'm missing a whole back-story.

why would you keep him up all night ?

I presume you were at it. But why all night when he has to go to work ?

are you both as silly as each other ?

OP you've started a few threads about this over the last 2 weeks or so. All basically about the same thing.

Do you think it might actually be you that's the problem here?

Without meaning to offend you but your sounding a bit bunny boiler IMO.

The last thread was about telling him your on your period FGS!!

The one before that you wanting to cool off mentally. You were advised to slow down and still have your own life.

Then before that it was about the festival and because he hadn't text you by 11.30am you thought he wasn't interested.

You have also started a thread about the upcoming camping trip.

You KNOW your over thinking things, moving too fast and being needy.

When people have replied to your posts and suggested slowing down you abandon the threads, then start another a day or so later.

For the last time SLOW DOWN!

ah

so that's how it is

< fucks off >

Puts a whole new slant on things knowing all this! ^^^^

Erm..really sounds like he's just not that into you AND personally, I'd find something more important to obsess over!

OP, I know that whenever I have found myself having to second guess the interest from a man it was always bad news. I feel I?ve been where you are ? in particular with my last BF before current DP ? I was driving myself mad with questions like ? ?Has he sent the normal number of texts in a day? What was the tone (the first day back at work was always a miserable, sorry for himself text), why was there one kiss and not three? Why hasn?t he responded to suggestions/made his own suggestions for meeting up?? Etc etc.

At the time I rationalised it all away because the times we did spend together were a lot of fun.

Eventually I called it a day - it was a messy end as he blew hot and cold over ending it too. (Aaaaaaaagh). I thought I?d miss him. As it turned out I missed visiting where he lived (a lovely part of the world) but I didn?t miss him and the is he/isn?t he game one tiny bit. I was just exhausted by it all.

After the break up I worked out several things. First I realised that I was terribly bad about laying down boundaries ? I?d pretty much let him lead me a dance and I really was not obliged to do that for anyone. If only I?d had MN back then.

Second, I realized that there were a number of aspects of his behaviour and character that I really didn?t like. I?d glossed over them at the time, but looking back afterwards I felt there were signs of issues that might have become quite difficult if the relationship had taken off. I?d spent so much time wondering ?is he/isn?t he? interested that I?d not really tried to piece the bigger picture together. And that can be a problem ? the energy you spend on trying to gauge interest is better spent on making sure there are no red flags and trying to work out how well the two of you fit as a couple (and as others have said ? there is no hurry!!!).

This guy doesn?t sound like a good idea for you ? but if you are not ready to leave him yet (I think that would be a good idea) why not at least try ?slow down, slow down, slow down??

Oh is that her? Far too lazy to back search.

It's very full on, no?

If he doesn't text you for a day or so, is that him cooling off then? [out of step with modern relationships by text] er, particularly if you've worn him out with a shagathon followed by a full day at work?

Can't you just play it by ear and see what develops, or not?

Yes I take my post back too knowing more details.
Just go slowly, don't bloody text all day (it's an infantile way to run a relationship), and see what happens.

Also you have had doubts about his from the beginning. Talking about his ex wife a lot.

Oh and not to forget this one, up until a day or 2 ago you thought you might be pregnant by your ex. While starting a sexual relationship with this new man and asking for advice on MN about not using condoms with him because he was with his ex for 17 years.

Very fucked up IMO

op,time for you to start looking at yourself.
Time for you to slow down and start looking at yourself.

How old are you,if you dont mind me asking.
What do others in RL say about you and to you.

I have to say, being expected to exchange texts all day long would drive me bloody mad. I don't know how old you and he are, but what's wrong with just leaving him alone for the day when he's at work, maybe having a chat on the phone in the evening if you'll not be seeing each other? (But not you ringing him every evening, a bit of taking the initiative on both sides. Sometimes - say if you're going out with friends - don't even speak at all for a day. !).
Having read some of your other threads I honestly think you need to calm down a bit. Not every man you meet is going to be the one and only, and if you get too pushy then you'll make most run a mile.

Maybe a few months without a man in your life? Get some balance and independence?

Okay. I take my post back. OP perhaps it would do you some good to be single for a while to have a good think about what you'd like from life.

And to whoever posted that nice guys are boring and ugly etc. I'm willing to bet that you're single.

Sounds to me like he just doesn't like texting. In fact he's said as much. All the 'hot and cold' you're talking about seems to just be him not replying with gushy texts to your (fairly obvious) attempts to get that sort of response from him.

So - the bare facts of it are: can you be happy in a relationship with someone who isn't as demonstrative as you'd like when you're not together? It sounds as though you are highly insecure and need lots of reassurance, and some people just are never going to give that to you. He might be nice, but unless he can give you the X, Y, Z that YOU need to be happy, it's a complete waste of time.

I said this on your previous thread, but will say it again - reading your messages sends a slight chill down my spine because I see some of my prior behaviour and insecurity in yours. And believe me, when you read it about someone else it seems clear as day that Things Aren't As They Should Be, but I know how caught up in it you get. You seem to be thinking that if you could just ask the right questions, either of him or of us, then maybe just maybe this would all click into place. And I can't see that happening unless you stop being so needy, or he suddenly gets florid with his text responses...

You really need to get a grip, OP. Not only is there so much more to life than having a partner, but anyone who comes across as totally desperate as you do is going to be a magnet for arseholes, while nice men will run a mile.

I agree with destination - if real life is good but only texting is the problem....then there is no problem. Real life is what matters.

My DH never texts. If i were ever to be single again someone texting me when i wasy busy at work would quite frankly make me run a mile on the basis that it was an unwelcome intrusion and they were needy +++

solidgold is obviously an advocate of tough love

OP, I know where you're coming from, I've done the needy thing, I think the penny has finally dropped - I'm needy because I'm not ready.

Is this something you could do with thinking about?

Sorry op, I think you're the needy one. I've seen several threads regarding this bloke recently. You're overanalysing everything from why he hasn't text you back, interpreting his texts, camping trips. It's only been 4 weeks. If he does feel overwhelmed I'm not surprised. Sorry to be blunt but you're the one needs to cool down.

OMG he sounds like the classic non-committal nightmare. all that shit about being frightened by the strength of their own feelings - these men really are a joke.

Continue having fun with him by all means but on no account allow him to see you becoming emotionally invested in this 'relationship'. Stay detached and casual, enjoy it while it lasts and expect/demand nothing - he'll soon be accusing you of being needy and demanding otherwise. Let him do ALL the running between dates and play a little bit hard to get. Honestly, it's the only way with men like this.

If you can't cope with being like that then it's best you just get out now while your dignity is still intact.

Oh ok, only just reading the thread - didn't see the other one. Perhaps you are being a bit needy!

It's not a crime, we've all done it at some point except SGB but we do let ourselves down and we should learn to grow out of it. It's embarrassing.

OP said 'Everytime I ask him outright, he says he likes me and is not having second thoughts at all' Sorry OP but you will scare anyone off if you are quizzing them and getting some sort of commitment out of them after such a short time.

FN: Of course I did stuff like this in my much younger days. That's why I know what a bad idea it is . I am nearly 50 now so have had time to learn...

Do we know how old the OP and bloke are?