Did your parents divorce or do you with they had?

[amigoingmadhere]

Did you parents divorce when you were young?

Did they stay together but the relationship was toxic? Do you think you were better off with them staying together or would it have been better if they had separated?

Please help.. is it worse to suffer the devastation of divorce when you are a young child, or to suffer the poisonous environment of warring parents and seeing the template of bad relationship models?

I think I know the answer already, but everyone around me seems to be telling me to stay married for the sake of the children.

Also, apart from any age differences, did you see a difference in your own background between your experience and that of your brother / sister? i.e. would boys suffer more than girls at the departure of the father from the family home?

thanks

sorry title should be 'or do you wish they had?'

My parents divorced when I was 1.

Never affected me in a negative way.

I then lived through my mother's second divorce when her youngest (i.e. the dc from that marriage) were 6 and 4.

I don't really think it affected them either, though a bit more than me. The 4 yo was a boy, and has always had a fantastic relationship with his father (he is now in his 30s). His father stayed very involved in his children's lives.

Now the year before the divorce...that was hell. We all breathed a huge sigh of relief, I think, when they told us that it was all over.

All parties involved get along great now, we do very civilised divorces in my family.

I always wished they had. Having said that-none of us have (I think) gone into particularly bad relationships.
However I do think my confidence was pretty ruined and I didn't enjoy having my father in the home at all-and we all escaped as soon as we could.
Very very complicated though.

I think if you are miserable it makes sense to separate-good luck.

I endured years of fights between my parents, I jumped for joy when they split.

I endured years of abuse so there were on fights for my kids, their dad left and I endured abuse through courts from him.

Kids get hurt no matter what.

My parents divorced and I have no relationship with my father any longer and a tricky one with my mother. This isn't down to the divorce as such but how they handled it. He was bad at keeping in touch and paying maintenance, she was bad at oversharing his crimes and putting herself first. I had friends with divorced parents who were hardly effected by it and friends now who are separated with well balanced dcs.

My parents divorced when I was 8. It was the best thing they could have done. They argued, mum was unhappy dad was never there if he was it was begrudgingly.

It was horrible when they split up but a few years on they were both much happier and moved on with there lives.

The one thing that made the most difference to my and my sisters was they always parented us as a team. Extremely difficult for them but amazingly helpful to us. Don't stay together for the sake of the kids if your unhappy.

I know they'll get hurt no matter what .. I'm just trying to look to the future and see which way they will get marginally less hurt

I don't want them to look back in 20 years' time and tell me I made the wrong decision and that I ruined their lives (even though the problems lie with their father). I'm sure they will do that anyway

My kids were unhappy their dad left as to them life was great before.

Like other fighting parents during marriage mine are great friends post divorce.

One of the problems is that we don't really parent as a team now, so the dcs get very inconsistent messages from us. I can't change this as I fundamentally disagree with many of dh's choices when it comes to parenting.. so don't see how we will parent as a team if we split.

ALso, I have no doubt I will show them enough love etc. (as will their father I think) but if I have to go back to work full time (as I will probably have to do if we split), how will I have the time to give the 3 dcs the attention they need?

My parents divorced when I was three. We had to move away from the town we lived in, move into a cramped room - me and my mum in one bed and my sister in a cot in the corner, and I didn't see my dad again for twelve years.

I don't remember anything negative or upsetting about it. I was young and it all felt completely normal.

Then again MrsJREwing, maybe we would actually agree on things if we lived separate lives. We do agree on the fundamentals, I think.

I found useless dad who lives with kids are better after divorce. Men like my ex who are involved when they live with kids are rubbish after divorce, they only invest go those they live with.

My parents split when I was 14, it ended up being very acrimonious & I found it incredibly difficult going through puberty, doing my GCSEs etc whilst all this was happening.

I wish they'd split earlier to be honest as I don't think it would have had such an impact. But it's all well in the past now & I have good relationships with both my parents, I certainly don't wish they'd stayed together.

My parents have hated each other for 55 years and counting.

Interestingly all three of us (my brother, sister and I) have good relationships / marriages, my dsis married 30yrs this year (happily), me 13, bro with his dp for 20 years. We did take our time to choose though and I only married at 29, whilst my brother found his dp at 35.
I would NOT say stay married "for the sake of the children" - one of the worst scenarios you can bring a child up in imho. It's what my parents did (but heaven knows what they've been up to for the last 20-odd years since we've all "grown up" but they've just got into the habit of cohabiting and fighting out of sight I suppose!) and it's never good.

My parents were not compatible. My father had affairs and was rarely at home. As a result, my siblings and I did not witness many fights but we knew our mother was unhappy.

However, I am eternally grateful that they never split up. I was in my early teens when I knew of their troubles. I had exams coming up. I needed the stability. I had a very comfortable upbringing and would have loathed to move away and all the uncertainty that entailed. My father, for all his philandering, was very clear that he would never break up the family.

My siblings and I have all left home now. My parents are still married, having reached a truce, I imagine. They chose their marriage partner badly, but having made their bed, they lay in it for the sake of their children. Despite their unhappiness, I remember my childhood as a stable and happy one because of their sacrifice.

MrsShrek, my siblings and I also made good choices in marriage partners.

We all married relatively late in life, having taken our time to find the right one. Witnessing an unhappy marriage up close and personal whilst growing up drives home how important it is to make the right choice.

Better to not be married than to be unhappily yoked to another.

My parents finally divorced when I was 16. I can never remember them being happy together. I'm sure they "stayed together for the children" but I wish they hadn't. They were clearly miserable and although I didn't have a neglectful childhood I certainly didn't have a happy one.

my parents split when I was 15 and finally divorced when I was 20 .My brother was 4 when they split ,he doesnt remember too much about what happened and why ,I remember it all :0( they split at the right time ,they hadnt been getting on ,they tried ,it didnt work they split.They got on so much better afterwards :0) I have always said better to be alone and happy than in a relationship that makes you unhappy .Whatever you choose will upset your LO's but nothing will upset them more than listening to their parents arguing and/or fighting (as in my case) I was so glad when mine split up cos I was sick of being the referee

My parents split when I was 5.
I can't imagine them having stayed together either. Them being separate became all I knew except some bad memories of fighting. So perhaps its better to go when they are young
I think kids just get on with what's available. But my DB took it worse than my sister and I. loss of DM though not DF.
I think if I was unhappy, my child would be too.

I don't know what it would have been like if my parents had or would divorce but I strongly suspect it would have saved all of us a lot of heartache, me an abusive relationship and bad depression etc a terrible teenage and difficult wedding etc my parents are emotionally abusive and physically abused me as a child. My dad emotionally abuses my mum. I think it had had very negative effects on her life and health but she brushes it under the carpet and denies it completely. I had a very confusing childhood.

My parents have been married for over 40 years and should have split long ago. my mum now says that they stayed together because of me and my brother and because of the business they are in. Plus 30 odd years ago, there was no help for women like there is today, there was nowhere to go to for her.

My dad is a total Male Chauvanistic Pig and a total control freak. Me and my brother started standing up to him in our teens and then our mum did too because she saw us do it.

When it got to their 40th anniversary they didnt even celebrate it as my dad refused to which hurt my mum. My dad treats my mum like dirt most of the time and they are always arguing and snapping.

This affected me in the fact that I wanted to marry a person who was a polar opposite to my dad and ended up with a man who accused me of walking all over him because he always agreed to everything I said...

I also avoided confrontation and arguing with my STBXH because neither of us liked it, especially after DD was born. Trouble is, he then built up years of resentment rather than getting things off his chest.

so My H walked out on me because I went for a mouse rather than a man....

forgot to say above that I am now extremely sad for my 4yo DD who will grow up without her father. She will miss out on the things that should be part of her life, like holidays and family time together, all because he was too selfish to talk to me,

My mum left one week after i started high school, i was 13 my sister 7.

There then followed a horrid divorce, my mum was unfaithful and years of turmoil. I went off the rails, messed up school, mum was wherever she was i was with dad but dad and little sister were with his new girlfriend.

I was left to my own devices and did all sorts of things i shouldn't have, i went from a straight A student to being kicked out of school.

I never saw my parents argue and it was the most massive shock, it ruined my life at the time and it took over 10 years for me to have a decent relationship with my mum.

mine haven't...... yet...... but getting to the stage where i wish they would.... they are just making each other miserable, and talking to one of them is just bcoming a chance for them to each bitch about the other one behind each other's back.

after 32 years of marriage

My parents divorced when i was 12. It effected me badly, and i can pretty much directly link all the shit choices i have made to my parents divorce. It was very messy, my mother is an abusive alcoholic and i had to put up with her shit for years.

On the other hand, my father recently told me that if he had stayed, he would have commited suicied, and i would rather have all the shit that happend, than no father.

Either way can have negetive effects, but either way can also have positive effects. I would say that if you can be civil, then splitting is the best choice.