Did your parents divorce or do you with they had?

[amigoingmadhere]

Did you parents divorce when you were young?

Did they stay together but the relationship was toxic? Do you think you were better off with them staying together or would it have been better if they had separated?

Please help.. is it worse to suffer the devastation of divorce when you are a young child, or to suffer the poisonous environment of warring parents and seeing the template of bad relationship models?

I think I know the answer already, but everyone around me seems to be telling me to stay married for the sake of the children.

Also, apart from any age differences, did you see a difference in your own background between your experience and that of your brother / sister? i.e. would boys suffer more than girls at the departure of the father from the family home?

thanks

My parents divorced following multiple infidelity and in the end abusive actions when I was 14. They had been miserable together for 10 years by stayed for our sake-we would all have been so very much happier if they had split 10 years earlier. I don't even remember my parents ever getting along let alone being affectionate and that in my opinion is far more damaging. I don't think I really have many 'issues' but there's no doubt my childhood would have been much happier. My parents have since met new partners and everyone gets along. I vowed that I would never stay simply for my children's sake if it were ever to come to that.

I dearly wish my mother had divorced my controlling bully father. But she never did and now she's totally in his power, old, blind and deaf.

bleak!

I left my abusive marriage (you repeat the patterns - have you thought of that? Your kids will repeat the patterns in your marriage, which will become more deeply embedded in them the longer they are exposed to it. bleak!) and it hurt my kids, no question. But staying in that hell hole would have been much worse for them in the long run. It did hurt them and that was hard to take as their mother who wanted to protect them.

don't stay with him if the only reason you're thinking of staying is because people are saying to stay together for the sake of the kids.

My parents' marriage broke down in 1961, when I was six, but divorce was unthinkable, so they stayed together until my father died in 1993, by which time they had been married 53 years.

My Dad was absent physically and emotionally. He just stayed out of the way as much as possible.

My Mum blamed me for the breakdown of their marriage (when it is more likely that her untreated mental illness was the cause). She was abusive and violent towards me until I left home at 18 with the result that I have never realised my full potential.

Living in that sort of dysfunctional atmosphere completely skewed my view of human relationships and it took therapy and a very understanding (third) DH to turn my life around in my late 40s.

I'd say a well handled divorce is better any day.

D

I looked into this a lot before deciding to separate from my husband. This article, The Effects of Divorce on Children, is a good place to start if you want to know about current research on the subject. It references a number of large studies.

It is not divorce that causes problems for children, but factors that can be related to divorce (e.g. loss of a parent). Where those factors are not present, children do as well or better than children from non-divorced families. The thing that causes the most damage to children is parental conflict and children in non-divorced families who are exposed to conflict do badly too. Parents in conflictual relationships are deluding themselves if they think their children are better off than if they got divorced. Conflict after divorce is obviously also very damaging.

It's not just partnerships that contain infidelity, abuse, addiction or a lot of conflict that cause problems for children growing up in them. My XH really wishes his parents had divorced when he was a child. His parents' relationship had none of those things and appeared to be a very stable, normal, 'happy' marriage (for nearly 40 years) but there were deep underlying problems that were just completely buried throughout and he feels that has had a long lasting negative effect on him. There's a book written on the topic called What Children Learn from Their Parents' Marriage (excerpt from first chapter)

My parents got divorced when I was 2 and I don't think I have been adversely affected by that. I have been adversely affected by a lot that happened in my childhood afterwards and I am sure that I would've done better growing up in a stable loving and happy family with two parents together, but that was never ever going to be possible with the two parents I had. Two parents are only better than one if the relationship is a good one. Whenever I speak to people who blame their parents' divorce for problems or unhappiness, it only takes a few minutes of talking to them to find out that it is the way that it was handled that was the really problem. Seldom does it sound like they would've done better if their parents had stayed together.

Finally, I really recommend this book, Putting Children First: A Handbook for Separated Parents, for anyone who is separated or separating and also anyone contemplating it.

It is interesting that you say it is conflict that causes harm, step parents and their issues make conflict worse in some cases, again that situation occurs with non residential parents who put who lives with them first. With my ex a clue was he resented visiting his parents and siblings and was lazy outside work.

My theory is if dad is a regular visitor to his parents and siblings, not a liar, selfish lazy person, who will fall out with you for what they believe is right, then they will turn up for contact, will stand up to his gf, and do what is right for his kids.

Thanks everyone - this is all really good for me to read (well, not good, but informative and helpful).

Just to come back to one of my original questions - did your brothers take divorce or conflict worse than you (or other boys / men that you know of in similar situations)? I ask as obviously being Mumsnet the majority of voices on here are women's. I have two boys, so am more interested in the male perspective but wouldn't know where to ask.

Also, an additional question. Were you one of three or more children? (I have 3 dcs). If so, I would imagine if you were young at the time of divorce / conflict that things would have been very hard on your mother. Would you say things got worse after divorce from that perspective?

I have 2 little brothers, who both have chosen to live at the other end of the world (TBH I wish I had too...) so it's not as hard for them.
The three of us had a hard time during our teenage years, each in our own way (mine was binge eating). I don't know how badly the divorce is affecting them now.

My parents divorced when I was 10.

Frankly, it was 10 years too late, she should have left the adulterous, abusive sick old fucker a long time before then. If she had I might not have the many MH issues I suffer now.

I never saw him again thanks to an excellent judge who gave him no access whatsoever. We had to move away from the area (thanks WA) completely, which was surprisingly the best thing ever.

Mum remarried to a lovely man who I adore. But the 10 years she stayed with him have had a horrible toxic impact on us both.

I am remembering my turmoil when I decided to leave my husband.

It took a long time - for about a year I agonised over it, thinking I couldn't possibly 'do this' to the children but seeing no way of staying in the (abusive) marriage. It was a time of real turmoil for me. My husband, whose parents had divorced (and handled is extremely badly), laid it on thick that the children would be destroyed for ever by a divorce - I believed him.

Then one day I watched a documentary about the effects of divorce on the children and tbf it was harrowing viewing. I suspect now that the documentary maker had an axe to grind as it certainly wasn't a balanced view but heavily one-sided. My husband (to all intents and purposes ex by this stage but living in the same house) had watched the programme downstairs and as I stumbled to the loo in abject misery after watching this wretched programme, he was coming upstairs and I saw the look on his face: triumph. He had been proved 'right' by the documentary. There was no torment on his face, only triumph that he was 'right'.

Perversely, this made up my mind. I felt my husband's cover had been blown and his real motives revealed: to trap me in the marriage by hanging the children's welfare over my head. At a deep level I couldn't accept that the documentary was balanced and felt there was more to it than that - that the end result didn't have to be emotional ruin for the kids.

My boy took it hard if I'm honest. I think he is still processing it now (but with the added complication that his father has died) and he's now in his 20s and was a toddler when the marriage split. Though that could be me with the guilty undercurrent still running through (how to shake that off?) but I don't think he processed it well at the time or subsequently. I have to say that my ex made life unbearable for me until the day he died and that had an effect on the kids, of course (not that I said much to the kids, hardly anything but at some point something had to be flagged up about what was going on, as it was confusing for the kids). My kids had 'support' from CAMHS (which actually made things worse - i wouldn't recommend them) and also some art therapy, which seemed to help a lot.

One of my boy's housemaster lost his dad when he was 15 to cancer (not the same, but divorce is liek a kind of death, a bereavement) and he says he didn't process it properly until he was in his early 20s. Maybe boys do things differently. My girls made a major fuss when we divorced and made their feelings known (also when their father died) but my boy was much quieter. That could be personality though and not gender. But imo boys do generally culturally process things differently to girls.

If you handle this well, you can make it successful. Is your husband a reasonable man? Will he make things hard if you leave? Perhaps people around you are suggesting you maintain the status quo because they suspect he could be difficult..?

Sorry I've drivvled on - a lot to say I suppose. I think I may be confusing the divorce and the (actual) bereavement too. apologies if so.

they didn't but i really wish they had. They argued a fair amount but worse was the atmosphere, ours was largely a loveless home. I had to learn as an adult how to behave in a relationship as I had no healthy model for it as a child. Both parents were equally at fault in my eyes, they just didn't like each other any more and shouldn't have stayed together. I turned into a very depressed self-harming teenager . Its part of my personality now, i'll never be a really happy person, those neurons are just hardwired to make me the way i am.

Springydaffs thank you so much for your post.. you understand the turmoil I am going through. My dh is the same - spouting how terrible it would be for the dcs - and I know it and believe him. But I hate how this whole thing is his fault in the first place and how he is hanging it over my head as yours did as some sort of justification for him not leaving when he should.

The atmosphere is very bad - we argue a lot and there are other factors that mean that he really needs to go (unless he changes, but that doesn't look likely).

Is your husband a reasonable man? Will he make things hard if you leave? Good question. No, he is very often not reasonable, and he will make things hard if I leave. That is part of why this is so difficult - he is very unpredictable and I have no idea what he will do / say / act towards the dcs etc. He may deal with it, or he may fight it and poison the dcs' minds against me - I know he already does (which is part of the reason he has to go)..

I do think the boys will take it very badly. Not sure how or when they would process it. The elder one (5) is already nervous and shows signs of anxiety. The younger one (3) is more robust but seems to be more attached to his father and cries for him a lot as it is..

I so wish this wasn't happening to my beautiful boys, but it is.

blackcatsdancing and others who feel they will never be happy (sorry, have limited time with 3 dcs around to remember who said what now!) - I am so desperately sad and sorry for you. I wish I could make everything better for you, as I already do in advance for my own dcs. But I can't.

If there are any ways in which you can tell me that I should handle things, to avoid some of the pain that you went through for my dcs, please do. At least if I can't heal your pain, I might be able to prevent it happening for my family.. little help to you I know, but I can only do what I can..

my parents chose to stay together, in doing so they had a duty to their children to make home life as happy as they could given that they were pretty miserable together. They should have stopped the bickering, stopped the shouting (not that frequent) , my mum should have stopped with the criticism and dad shouldn't have stonewalled (all so predictable). They should have done a better job of making the family home a happier place, not somewhere i couldn't wait to run away from as soon as i could (age 17). If a couple can genuinely put on a brave face and pretend for the sakes of their children then i am willing to say it may be ok.

I divorced my husband, no way was i putting my DC through the same as i did. DC is generally happy, though has partly inherited my depression, did very well at school and has a place at uni on an extremely difficult course to get onto. I by contrast left school with no qualifications, despite being in the top stream for all subjects and went from dead end job to dead end job until my 40s. I am still vastly underachieving- except as a mother, i did a good job there.

My parents split when I was 15. Should have done it about a decade earlier. Completely ruined their relationship; they both think they would have stayed friends had they not dragged it out. Split was exceedingly civil, but the tension in the house for years before they split didn't do my brother and I much good.

A cautionary tale for me though - I am a better person, friend and wife than I might have been without having seen their worst traits on display.

i did go to uni later but the scars left from growing up in dysfunctional unhappy home never fade so I didn't do much with it. There is no need to feel sorry for me , i'm who I am, my parents no doubt did the best they could and thought it was for the best- we lived in a lovely house in a nice area, could afford two holidays every year (one UK , one abroad) . In some ways I was privileged and i do look back and think i was lucky to have had some experiences but i'd rather have had a happy childhood than what money brought to me .

If I could have my time again, I would delete the guilt . yy, easy to say, but I'm looking at it n years down the line and I think my guilt played into everyone's hands and put me at a distinct disadvantage with the kids. In a totally crooked way, my guilt was seen as my culpability, when nothing could have been further from the truth. Let's not forget that the guilt card played so viciously by my ex was his way of controlling me (it worked) and it looks like you're in the same position.

Hold you head up - you have nothing to feel guilty about from the sound of it. If you have to, fake it until you make it. You can say matter-of-factly (iyswim) the facts but don't get into any level of hand-wringing with them, no matter how heartbroken you may feel. YOu are doing the right thing for your boys , or they will reproduce your marriage in adult life the longer they are exposed to it. Please, do take that as read - as I said, I'm at the other end of all this shit and there is so much I would have done differently.

Also, do your research. Enrol on the Freedom Programme forthwith, if you haven't already. I can't rate this highly enough for getting your head straight about the insidious methods of control these abusers use. yes, abusers (you've said enough that I recognise). Get in touch with Womens Aid, get the Lundy Bancroft book - absolutely priceless, sorry no link. It's called Why Does He Do That? and goes a very long way to sorting your head out and ditching any residual guilt.

I say Womens Aid because the chances are he will make things difficult for you and you will need to formulate a plan. Really, get yourself shored up. There's a lot out there these days - think how appalling it was for our mothers . Womens Aid are fab and will support you all the way practically, emotionally, legally.

Go girl.

I haven't read the whole thread, I would just like to say that I categorically wish mine had divorced/separated many years before they did. Life would have been very different for all of us if they had. Kids are far more aware than people give them credit for, and they know about the arguments, and they know when their parents are unhappy. I really do not believe in 'staying for the kids'.

My mum has recently started talking about leaving my dad, and I would support her all the way - they should have split up years ago. He had an affair swiftly followed by a breakdown and several suicide attempts when I was at uni. I love my dad and he is very supportive to me (as is my mum), but my parents bicker constantly and treat each other like crap. My mum is very defensive towards him - he hardly has to say anything and she's right down his throat, completely unnecessarily. He for his part treats her with contempt, and I hate it. I wish they had divorced after he had his affair as it would have been better for all of us. I don't look forward to going home as they make the atmosphere very unpleasant.

I think she's scared of leaving him for fear of him attempting suicide again, but I honestly think they would both be much happier apart. Or at least her leaving might force him to think about how he treats her. His own parents were very unhappy, whereas my mum's parents were generally pretty close.

I just left an abusive relationship, having had a lightbulb moment that my partner was treating me in the exact same way as my dad treats my mum, and I decided I wasn't prepared to put up with that as my mum has.

doesn't really bode well that so many of you have had failed relationships as well. But I suppose that is learned from relationship modelling, divorce or no divorce - i.e., whichever way, the relationship was bad.

Yes, mine didn't divorce.

Yes, that is a very sad but apposite observation, ami. To my mind (and, I think, most others) it's better to model dignity and self-worth by respectfully ending a not-good-enough relationship than to model self-abasement by staying in it.

My parents were married for 50 years. My memories include almost constant arguments over matters from the most important to the completely trivial. I would sit upstairs and hear it all. In later life it grew worse - there was no DV but constant nagging, irritation, nit picking. They would argue over who owed whom a few pence.

Evidently it taught me nothing. I am twice divorced. Never again.

just bumping in case any new people coming across this thread might have something to add..