Relationship totally broken down over sexual behaviour and trust. I want him to read this thread!

[lulu1971]

I'm afraid this is another one of those too common stories about the effects of porn use and inappropriate behaviour on the internet.

We have three children and have on the whole been very happy together. Early on in the relationship I discovered some porn sites in the web history on the laptop. I explained that I wasn't happy with him using porn on his own but I would be willing to bring it into the relationship from time to time. I am by no means anti porn but I am anti it being used in secrecy and as a replacement for the sex and affection that comes in a loving relationship.

The relationship between us continued to develop and nothing at all gave me cause for concern. He has however over the last eighteen months been on a no strings dating web site, sent himself dirty text messages from himself to himself fantasising about me and another man. He has also put me on a dating site without my knowledge or consent, uploaded a couple of naked photos of me, and has from time to time been on porn sites without me.

He initially admitted in January that he had a problem. We went to the GP and are still waiting for Psyhco sexual counselling. The trouble is I found another search for porn on his iphone two weeks ago and I am livid.

Early in the year when I discovered he had put me on a dating site he promised me that he would get help, not use any porn again and gave me pass words to his email accounts, face book etc. He told me that I could check his phone and that he would be completely transparent with me. I admit to checking up on him after his admission but because our relationship had started to get back on track, we were really happy and the trust had started to grow again I backed off and was not making a point of looking at his phones etc.

When I happened to see a porn search one his iphone a couple of weeks ago his explanation was that he was convinced that I was still checking up on him and it was a trap. Well I personally think that it is a load of crap.

I am so tired of it all. The relationship has completely broken down and I just don't think any amount of counselling is going to undo this mess. I feel totally betrayed by him and am only currently here for the children and because I need time to decide what I am going to do. I gave him a chance and he has blown it.

Why is is that fundamentally good people are capable of such behaviour. What drives a person who has a good relationship, everything they say they have ever wanted in life behave in such a way that is destroys everything.

We have three children, the youngest being only a year old. If my threat to leave earlier in the year and the thought of losing his family isn't enough to keep him away from that shit then what is?

I am going to leave this thread for him to read and quite honestly I am sick of talking to him about it and feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall.

As with a small child, you need to carry out your threat. Leave. Or he does.

He put you on a website ffs!

God you poor thing being married to a sleazy scumbag like that

Porn is one thing but putting you on dating sites and putting naked pictures of you on the web?! That is disgusting behaviour, if it were me all trust would be gone and I don't think I could get over it

Has he thought how your children would feel if they ever found out?

I wouldn't say he was a fundamentally good person, far from it

Sorry but the relationship is over. You will never trust him again.
Posting naked pics of you is a violation of your privacy, of your trust, and shows how little respect he has for you and your relationship.
Dump the bastard.

Sorry you are going through this. I think what happens with these addictions is that the person loses all perspective and can't see the line between acceptable and unaccepable.

Putting your picture on the web though is unforgiveable. I can't think of a word scummy enough to describe what I think of this.

There are clearly sides to people we never truly know. On face value he is a hard working family man who prefers to spend his time with me or the children, always pulls his weight at home, gives the children all the time they need. Is never aggressive or disrespectful. Provides well and has worked to create a lovely home for us all. The words too good to be true now come to mind!

Well as for the photos fortunately the site removed them as they didn't meet their criteria. It wasn't one of those anything goes sites he put me on a well known respected site. Not a no strings one. That obviously isn't the point though.

Posting pictures of you online without your knowledge?! That is absolutely disgusting behaviour. I don't think I could come back from that.

He clearly needs some serious help.

It would worry me that his boundaries are already so blurred with this...what next? He's already put pictures of you online. With an addiction like that, it escalates. "Vanilla" porn becomes boring. At what point will it stop?

I agree it is a really fucked up thing to do and demonstrates that he clearly can't see where the boundaries are in our relationship. He has developed a habit, addiction whatever the word is and he can't see the depth that he has sunk to.

I see so many similar stories on here that involve a partner being up late at night on computer, guarding phones, behaving oddly and withdrawing from the family and relationship. My situation is nothing like that at all which is why it has taken me so long to realise the extent of the problem.

We are supposed to be seeing a Counsellor about it as our GP referred us earlier in the year. I just can't see how it is going to work.

I have lost all trust, faith and respect for this man. He promised me the world and has let me and the children down so badly.

He has also put me on a dating site without my knowledge or consent, uploaded a couple of naked photos of me

That would be the end for me...you gave him the chance to bring this into the relationship by being open with him. In return he has betrayed your trust and honesty.
I don't see how I would get by that.

Thank you for your replies. I have only spoken to one person about this in RL. I intend to leave this open for him to read at some point.

Obviously get rid of him, that goes without saying.

But your most urgent work should be on yourself because you've consistently put up with and forgiven behaviour that as discrete acts, would have resulted in most emotionally healthy women ending the relationship.

Try and find out why you didn't, because that's far more important than understanding why he does what he does.

He's not worth it.

You are.

I think on some level he knows he can continue to behave this way without there being a consequence.

He has done things without your knowledge or consent which a huge majority of people would find unacceptable.
He has put you at risk of being humiliated in front of family and friends.
He has continued to use porn alone even though you have specifically told him you are not happy about this.
He has joined a dating site.

And you are still together.

I know there are people who are addicted to certain types of sexual behaviour. But I also believe there are people who know they can get away with it. Yes, you may get angry, argue etc and itigjt be a strained relationship for a while but he knows in 3 months or 6 months or whatever he can do it again, and you will not leave him.

The fact you are even listing his good points is a example of that.

I understand, you don't want to leave, break up your home etc but IMHO you cannot say a behaviour is unacceptable but still continue to live with, chat to, sleep with the person who has done this to you, because you are sending the message it's ok to do it again...and again and again.

I'm glad he is seeking help but you cannot change the way he behaves, you can only change the way you react to it.

I put up with it because I believed what he said and I saw the good points he portrayed. I believed that he was capable of change, I believed that we meant more to him than some online fantasy world. I believed he wanted to change. I am clearly very wrong.

I am very tired and worn out at the moment. I am also accutely aware that I cannot change his behaviour and I have to put the children and me first now.

I own a house which is rented out until December, unfortunately I am unable to get the tenants out before then. I am also not going back to work for another month or so and so financially things are hard for me at the moment.

I think it really is about time I involved our families and informed them of what is going on here.

He put NAKED pictures of you online??? That means (and sorry to be harsh) that lots of people will have 'right clicked' and saved thse photos, and in all likelyhood have then uploaded them to other unknown sites - your naked photos will be circulating... are you identifiable? If so he has put you, your future career and your chidren at risk. Photos/information lives forever online - I probably sound unhinged but my previous career was in Internet security and I am sickened at the idea that someone you know and that is supposed to love you would violate you in ths way. I guarantee that no matter how short a time those pictures were a viable for, they WILL have been saved and used. I'm sorry to say this because I can't imagine how it must feel for you but I think you should be very very (justifiably) angry at this behaviour. I'm so sorry.

Available, sorry for predictive text!

Yes, but what you need to work on is why you believed what very few other people would have allowed themselves to. Why you put more emphasis on the 'good points he portrayed' than his demeaning and disgraceful behaviour towards you and your children.

The fact that you're here today posting that you want him to read this thread shows that you're still engaged in the business of hope and belief that he will change.

So posters can tell you ad nauseum that he won't and that you should leave him - but you won't.

I think you need to find out why, because that's about you, not him.

Knitnack. I am angry, in fact I am beyond angry. I just don't know where to start and what to do. All I do know is that if I stay this will never stop or if there is a remote chance that it won't happen again I will still never feel at ease with this man again. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach!

There are a huge number of reasons I haven't left yet. Hope that is would get better, love and commitment to him and my family. A failed marriage where my ex walked out after 17 years for another girl leaving me and my 4 year old and baby. The thought of tearing my boys stability and happiness to bits fills me with horror.

My now 8 year old said that other day that he hopes me and xx stay together forever because they love us both and have seen to many break ups already, meaning me and their father and then subsequently his father and the other woman only a matter of weeks ago.

I am by no means weak, having suffered a catastrophic failed marriage, 4 miscarriages, financial ruin, almost losing my mother at the beginning of the year and having to support her, my dad and my children with this shit hanging over my shoulders.

It's not weakness that has kept me here. In many respects it is harder to be here right now.

"He has also put me on a dating site without my knowledge or consent, uploaded a couple of naked photos of me"

That would just be it for me. I could never get over someone doing something so disgustingly dangerous and potentially damaging to me just for his own greasy pleasure.

Several deal breakers here

and I don't mean "dealbreakers" that with some counselling you might forgive

I mean final deal breakers

I hope you concur before this man brings real trouble to your door

he is the weak one, OP, that is clear

unfortunately, your strength has conspired against you, so far

don't let that continue

I work in the kind of area where if inappropriate pics of me were to surface, my hard-won career would be over in one fell swoop

what he did was despicable, dangerous and the lowest form of disrespect

You have titled this thread 'Relationship totally broken down ...' so on some level you must know that the relationship is over. Do you want him to read it because you have some sort of hope that he will change? or because you want him to see it in black and white that it really is over?

Forgive me for sounding a bit dumb here MNs but can you clarify what you mean about my strength conspiring against me. I am not thinking very clearly at the moment and seem to have temporarily lost the ability of rational thinking.