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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship totally broken down over sexual behaviour and trust. I want him to read this thread!

76 replies

lulu1971 · 08/08/2012 11:39

I'm afraid this is another one of those too common stories about the effects of porn use and inappropriate behaviour on the internet.

We have three children and have on the whole been very happy together. Early on in the relationship I discovered some porn sites in the web history on the laptop. I explained that I wasn't happy with him using porn on his own but I would be willing to bring it into the relationship from time to time. I am by no means anti porn but I am anti it being used in secrecy and as a replacement for the sex and affection that comes in a loving relationship.

The relationship between us continued to develop and nothing at all gave me cause for concern. He has however over the last eighteen months been on a no strings dating web site, sent himself dirty text messages from himself to himself fantasising about me and another man. He has also put me on a dating site without my knowledge or consent, uploaded a couple of naked photos of me, and has from time to time been on porn sites without me.

He initially admitted in January that he had a problem. We went to the GP and are still waiting for Psyhco sexual counselling. The trouble is I found another search for porn on his iphone two weeks ago and I am livid.

Early in the year when I discovered he had put me on a dating site he promised me that he would get help, not use any porn again and gave me pass words to his email accounts, face book etc. He told me that I could check his phone and that he would be completely transparent with me. I admit to checking up on him after his admission but because our relationship had started to get back on track, we were really happy and the trust had started to grow again I backed off and was not making a point of looking at his phones etc.

When I happened to see a porn search one his iphone a couple of weeks ago his explanation was that he was convinced that I was still checking up on him and it was a trap. Well I personally think that it is a load of crap.

I am so tired of it all. The relationship has completely broken down and I just don't think any amount of counselling is going to undo this mess. I feel totally betrayed by him and am only currently here for the children and because I need time to decide what I am going to do. I gave him a chance and he has blown it.

Why is is that fundamentally good people are capable of such behaviour. What drives a person who has a good relationship, everything they say they have ever wanted in life behave in such a way that is destroys everything.

We have three children, the youngest being only a year old. If my threat to leave earlier in the year and the thought of losing his family isn't enough to keep him away from that shit then what is?

I am going to leave this thread for him to read and quite honestly I am sick of talking to him about it and feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall.

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 08/08/2012 14:45

I think I remember you posting on here before and that was when he has posted pics of you on the internet - I remember that thread so well because I was horrified at his behaviour, how fucking dare he think its ok to parade you in public and not give any thought about your rights/feelings/dignity/position. I am sure it is a criminal offence.

Why are you still with this vile man? You CAN'T fix him, you CAN'T change him, you CAN'T stop him.

fiventhree · 08/08/2012 14:47

MNs, this man has indeed ignored his second chance. That is my point. This time there needs to be consequences.

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 14:48

Yes, I think Op has posted before too.

Love, end it and keep it that way. You must.

I think you should also consider reporting him to the police, to protect others in the future (and also the past...I doubt very much that he has confined his deviant behaviour to only yourself, sorry). I would understand if you didn't feel able to do that though, in view of the fact you have been so conditioned to protect him.

fiventhree · 08/08/2012 14:48

The thing is, lots of men wouldnt get a second chance. He has, and it was painful for you too. He blew it.

SardineQueen · 08/08/2012 14:49

Texting himself
Putting pics of you on the internet
Lying to your face

I couldn't and wouldn't put up with it (I hope). I think you know what needs to be done.
I am so sorry.

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 14:49

ah, I see, five, I have misread you

I thought you were advocating a possible way forward from this

GetOrfMoiRing · 08/08/2012 14:53

He is a disgrace.

What he has done is a complete violation. He has put naked photos of you all overt he internet. You will never know what has become of those photos.

Fuck the psycho sexual counselling. yes some people have sex addictions, but I would place money on the fact that for every 1 person who has a genuine sexual disorder there are 100 who use the whole 'addiction' thing as an excuse for their nefarious actions.

You haven't broken anything. You can hold your head up high to your children and know that you have tried as much as you can to hold this together.

But - he is a selfish, mindless moron. What he has done imo can't be fixed and shouldn't be forgiven.

I wouldn't leave this thread open for him to read. Why give him teh satisfaction that his actions have impacted you so much? He sounds like a manipulative fucker at the best of times, why play into his hands.

fiventhree · 08/08/2012 14:54

No MNs, my point was that actually it is fucking hard giving them the second chance- I should know. That eroded trust, which you have to slowly rebuild. How could you ever be able to rationally do so again, after they showed you how little they cared about the consequences? And in this guys case, to then use the idea of a 'trap' , as if she is stupid or something, or as though it would be an OK thing to do, even if it was true!

SardineQueen · 08/08/2012 14:56

If he wants to put pictures of naked people on the net then they should've been photos of him.

Honestly it's just so far over the line that you can't even see the line. It's just a crazy thing to do.

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 14:58

very true, five

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 14:58

OP, how did you find out about the photos of you (this time) ?

Charbon · 08/08/2012 15:09

I got the impression from the OP that these are all separate incidents over a fairly long period of time with intervals in between; porn, then him on a dating site, then texts to himself, then naked pictures of the OP on a dating site, then more porn and the mention of the 'trap' he'd set. Doesn't surprise me that there have been other threads, but I think the catalyst for this one was the recent 'porn/trap' thing.

Of course, these are only the incidents for which he's been busted. In actuality they won't be the only ones.

It's because of my assumption that the OP forgave the internet criminality and went back for more, that I was querying what it was about her that allowed her to do that.

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 15:14

I don't think Op is ready for that concept yet, charbon

I would imagine she would see that as outsiders blaming her for going back to him

Possibly one of the reasons why she hasn't told anyone what he has done (and I suspect is still not going to)

For some reason, women in these situations feel shame and embarassment that is completely misplaced. It frustrates me beyond belief that is the case.

I am feeling my current username today. With Fucking Bells on.

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 15:16

OP, love, you talk about wanting him to see this thread

the better option is for your friends and family to read this thread. Seriously.

Charbon · 08/08/2012 15:28

Agree about the erroneous shame being a barrier to telling people. But sadly one of the biggest reasons for secrecy is hope.

Strange how such a generally positive emotion can have such sinister and oppressive connotations. Down with misplaced hope, I say - it's often the enemy of freedom.

Malificence · 08/08/2012 15:30

You need to have him arrested, what he has done is illegal as well as utterly horrific.
He is sick in the head and has done a potentially very dangerous thing (for you) .
Jesus, some people need a bolt gun to the head, they really do.

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 15:34

yes, indeed, charbon

if you are hoping to stay together (or think there is a chance) you carry on shielding such despicable behaviour

only by ceasing the secrecy can you be truly free of someone

because as sure as eggs is eggs, there could be no going back after that (if one wanted to keep their current circle of friends and family, that is)

OP, get it out into the open....do it today

GetOrfMoiRing · 08/08/2012 15:34

I have just read a couple of other threads about completely awful men and I cannot bear that odious pricks like that exist.

I swear to god I doubt there is more than 6 decent men in the country.

What a bunch of cunts.

I think I am MN's man hater today. Christ.

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 15:35

Mal, it would be the humane thing to do, that is for sure

GetOrfMoiRing · 08/08/2012 15:35

I can understand the OP feeling ashamed and mortified by this.

I also hope she can tell someone in RL what this monstrous man has done.

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 15:36

no man is infinitely better than a man like this

GetOrfMoiRing · 08/08/2012 15:37

Absolutely.

What an unforgiveable thing to do.

Original poster

lulu1971 · 08/08/2012 17:59

Well he is home and I can barely bring myself to even look and him let alone talk to him.

OP posts:

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 18:03

Haven't you told him to leave, love ? If not, why not ?

lolaflores · 08/08/2012 18:12

You are a hero to even stand in the same room as him. But, if you think of all the energy he is draining from you, that if he was gone, that huge supply would be readily available for you and your kids. The future is scary and unpleasant only from this side of the hill. Once everything is sorted out, you will reap the reward of disengaging from this utter piece of filth.

Take your kids and your dignity (which you possess by the sounds of you) and leave. This is seriously only going to get worse. What further depths will he sink to? It sounds like he is capable of pretty much anything and really he is not safe to be around. I would also consider legal advice about what he has done regarding to the pictures on the internet.

It is a difficult time, you have been side swiped. It will pass, your head will clear and you will know it in time. Take your time. You know what the answer is

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