Relationship totally broken down over sexual behaviour and trust. I want him to read this thread!

[lulu1971]

I'm afraid this is another one of those too common stories about the effects of porn use and inappropriate behaviour on the internet.

We have three children and have on the whole been very happy together. Early on in the relationship I discovered some porn sites in the web history on the laptop. I explained that I wasn't happy with him using porn on his own but I would be willing to bring it into the relationship from time to time. I am by no means anti porn but I am anti it being used in secrecy and as a replacement for the sex and affection that comes in a loving relationship.

The relationship between us continued to develop and nothing at all gave me cause for concern. He has however over the last eighteen months been on a no strings dating web site, sent himself dirty text messages from himself to himself fantasising about me and another man. He has also put me on a dating site without my knowledge or consent, uploaded a couple of naked photos of me, and has from time to time been on porn sites without me.

He initially admitted in January that he had a problem. We went to the GP and are still waiting for Psyhco sexual counselling. The trouble is I found another search for porn on his iphone two weeks ago and I am livid.

Early in the year when I discovered he had put me on a dating site he promised me that he would get help, not use any porn again and gave me pass words to his email accounts, face book etc. He told me that I could check his phone and that he would be completely transparent with me. I admit to checking up on him after his admission but because our relationship had started to get back on track, we were really happy and the trust had started to grow again I backed off and was not making a point of looking at his phones etc.

When I happened to see a porn search one his iphone a couple of weeks ago his explanation was that he was convinced that I was still checking up on him and it was a trap. Well I personally think that it is a load of crap.

I am so tired of it all. The relationship has completely broken down and I just don't think any amount of counselling is going to undo this mess. I feel totally betrayed by him and am only currently here for the children and because I need time to decide what I am going to do. I gave him a chance and he has blown it.

Why is is that fundamentally good people are capable of such behaviour. What drives a person who has a good relationship, everything they say they have ever wanted in life behave in such a way that is destroys everything.

We have three children, the youngest being only a year old. If my threat to leave earlier in the year and the thought of losing his family isn't enough to keep him away from that shit then what is?

I am going to leave this thread for him to read and quite honestly I am sick of talking to him about it and feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall.

But your DH has ALREADY 'torn your boys happiness and stability to bits'. YOU haven't, YOU haven't violated trust and endangered yourself, HE has. You are not responsible for this, he is. Stop taking on the responsibility for his (illegal, because it was) and dangerous behaviour. I would want my children very far from this man, he is NOT a reasonable and responsible adult. Again, I'm so sorry - I'm staggered at ths man's behaviour.

Someone putting naked pictures of me on the internet without my consent (and I would NEVER consent) is one of the grossest violations I can imagine within a relationship. Absolutely unforgivable.

You said that is wasn't weakness that kept you with him, but that it was the harder option to stay and keep working for your marriage

I believe that it is often the easier option to split. You have been choosing the difficult one, trying to forgive, help him and move on. All the time his own weakness was repaying your strength with lies, deceit and disrespect.

Now stop being strong for him and put you and your family first. Give yourself permission to give up. Today, and never give him another chance to bring you down.

I think she means that your strength of character has allowed you to stay... And that in that sense it is misguided (or at least that's how I read it, and completely agree with it).

Sorry MH, x post!

Fucking hell. You need to get rid of him , the dirty fucking animal. I cant believe he put naked pictures up of you, I would have his balls as earrings before showing him the door.

He certainly would never set foot in my house again. Despite what the law may say.

Oh god OP, what a fucked up person he is. Porn is disgusting enough but to use you in his nasty little fantasy games is sick beyond belief. It shows total lack of respect for you.

There really is no way back from this OP. He needs to go.

So your two most recent significant relationships have been with men who treated you very badly, but as yet the decision to end those relationships hasn't ever been made by you? I can't imagine for one minute that your exH's affair and abandonment of you was an isolated act of blatant selfishness. I expect you put up with a lot in those 17 years, only for him to get more selfish as time went by, ending with the finale of selfishness, walking out for another woman.

I think you're a strong woman to have picked herself up after those blows, but it doesn't sound as though you display strength when you're in a relationship with a man - and certainly not this one. Every extreme act of selfishness that you have forgiven over the years has made you weaker.

Have you ever wondered what you would think of a man who kept forgiving you when you a) registered your intention to have sex with strangers b) stole his identity c) deliberately put compromising pictures of him on the web, without his knowledge d) set 'traps' for him e) persistently lied to him.

Would you feel respect or contempt for him, do you think?

I am so fucking angry and hurt. I am on the last few weeks of maternity leave and I was so looking forward to spending really happy family times with the children, as I will be back at work soon and here I am venting to Mumsnet about the sick things he has done to me and my kids.

The thing that is most worrying to me is that if someone is capable of this kind of behaviour what depths will they stoop too. I am exhausted and completely bereft about all this.

Cut him out of your life. You will get over that, but he will never get over being a sick fuck willing to put you in danger.

I think a man who tells you that he was setting a trap for you, is a very toxic individual indeed. The fact that he thought this was going to be more forgiveable than admitting that he was using porn like he always has, speaks volumes. Is this the first time he's talked about setting traps for you? I'd doubt it somehow, because you've almost glossed over that extremely pernicious act in your OP and subsequent posts. Almost like you've heard that before and it was familiar.

I think he will stoop to enormous depths, Lulu. This is an extremely punitive man.

Charbon. My ex husband had an affair but it was me that ended it and filed for divorce as I would never ever have had him back. During our relationship he treated me very well, normal ups and downs, but we were very good together. He never treated me badly until the end. It all went wrong when I became a SAHM with two small children and his career catapulted him into a different world. For 16 years we were very happy and I know he regrets what he's done to this day.

I have been on my own with two children and the thought of being on my own with three is quite simple terrifying to me. I know I could manage as I have a great family support and I've been there before.

This relationship was ruined the day he went behind my back. I hate him for what he has done to us

I intend to leave this open for him to read at some point

I wouldn't do this myself. I mean, I wouldn't bother. I'm not sure anything can be gained from it and I'd be trying not to let anything further^ get out of my control, if you see what I mean.

Keep yourself cool, calm and close.

You should be angry and hurt, you are obviously an incredible woman and you have been treated appallingly. Now it's time to protect yourself - your children really need you so protect yourself FOR THEM if you find it hard to o it for yourself (as so many women do, it seems). Take your incredible strength, and your utterly justified anger and remove this nastiness from your life.

Lulu you said that your ex 'walked out on you' for another girl leaving you with a 4 year old and a baby. That didn't sound like your decision at all upthread.
I'd say it all went wrong when he started being selfish, not when his career ascended and you became a SAHM. I've yet to meet one person who had an affair and left their family who got selfish and entitled overnight.

I really appreciate all your replies, I need a bit of hand holding at the minute. Not exactly something I've been able to discuss openly with my family.

He sounds like he really doesn't see you as a person if he can steal your image and upload it to the web. It's like he sees you as some sort of extension of himself that he can make part of his complex fantasy world (sending texts to himself??). He does not sound committed to change either. Why sit on an NHS waitlist for the very limited therapy they can offer when your marriage is on the line, why has he not gone private, tried a 12-step programme etc.?

You ask what drives him when he has everything he said he ever wanted? Well, clearly he is not content and full of inadequacy, perhaps he even thinks the marriage etc is all he ever wanted but he is driven by something deeper that he can only access and change with massive work and commitment from his side.

Lulu, I agree that you really do have to take some action here.

I have decided to stay with my h after similar levels of transgression, discovered later last year. He had been sex chatting young women for years, and lying, I found out.

I know hard hard it is to live with someone even who has changed, who has treated you like this in the past.

The one thing, the absolutely one thing, I have promised him and myself is that if there is ever a repeat performance it is over, regardless of any personal feelings I have about it. If I have told him that, and dont leave in practice should I discover it again, isnt that just giving him the green light to do as he wants, on the basis that he could always get away with it?

It is the only way to retain some power over your own life and happiness, as opposed to leaving it all in his gift.

Have you told any of your family anything yet, lulu ?

five I believe this particular bloke has already had his second "do this one more time and we are done" chance

have you posted about this before, OP ?

Cuckold fantasies are popular because of misogyny. They are fascinating to misogynists because it plays on their incredulity that a man can enjoy seeing his property (i.e. partner) being 'defiled' by another man. I don't think your partner actually thinks it's your rights he's trampling over when he puts you up for free auction Lulu - he thinks he's extending his own property rights to share you with other men.

Atrocious partner material and sickening to have a father who feels like this about women.

I totally agree, charbon

That is why this man has to go, and stay gone

No I haven't told my family or his yet. I haven't quite been able to bring myself to do so, especially with all that my family had to endure during my marriage break down and earlier in the year with my mother being so ill. I have to take drop my children and their grand parents but I will be back a bit later.

You have to confide in people. Make it real. Stop protecting this despicable man.