How to heal an 8 year rift with my twin sister

[KaFayOLay]

Firstly, I'll set the scene. We're identical twin sisters, who are old enough to know better! We were extremely close all through school, only making separate friends when I went to college and she went onto a YTS scheme.
We ended up working across the road from each other and would spend most lunchtimes together, as well as speaking 2-3 times a day on the phone

I was her birthing partner in 1995 .

I moved away from the area in 1998, met my OH, married and had children.

I visit my folks maybe twice a year and it was during one of these visits that our relationship floundered.
My daughter, who was 2 ish at the time, was playing with her daughter who is 2 weeks older. As kids of that age do, my daughter wanted whatever they were playing with to herself ... just to say, she was an only child at this point, her cousin had a sister .... when my sister chirruped up "I teach my children to share" and snatched what my girl had to give to hers. Anyway, we decided to make a swift exit at this point to check into our hotel. I didn't see my sister again during that visit.

2 weeks later, it was my eldest niece's birthday and knowing my sister was still festering, I sent money to my eldest sister to give to my niece, knowing my twin wouldn't bank a cheque if I sent it to her.

I received this money back with a note, telling me never to contact her family ever again and as far as she was concerned, I am no longer her sister!!

This actually caused a rift between myself and my parents' as they sided with her and we didn't have any contact for over a year. The only reason they made a move was because my elder sister told them I was pregnant again and they didn't want to miss out on grandchild.

During this time, my mother and father have had their Ruby Wedding, my Mum turned 60, my Dad turned 70. These have variously resulted in a family portrait of all the grand children, family meals and get together's, al excluding me and my family.

My parents' and sister have asked that we make up, folks not getting any younger etc. and how awful it would be if the rift hadn't been mended before one of them passed on .....
I have told them all of the letter that my sister sent, as she obviously didn't, but haven't shown them, I'm not even sure if I still have it. My father said it put it into a different perspective. Whether they have badgered my sister into making up, I don't know.

So, maybe the time has come to bury the hatchet ... but not in my sister's head ... but how?
Or should I? She has always been self righteous and in her eyes superior to me and if I'm honest, I don't miss that part of our relationship.

I don't really expect to get an answer here but I can't speak to my family as they're all too close and I know whatever is said will get back to her.
My Mother still tells me what is going on in her life, even though I never ask after her. We both have children that neither has met and I know my kids would like to know their cousins.

Right, that was a proper ramble .
So, any bright ideas?

God, what a nightmare. Well done for getting to this stage of considering it. It sounds like this is more of a family rift, rather than just you and your sister.
I think you need to ask your family,
Is your sister willing to make up?
How would they suggest you go about it?

I would advise against a family event to do it, I think you need to have at least two or three lunches/coffees/ walks with your sister on your own, so you can build a more solid base for the rest of the family to build around.
Best of luck...

Were you the prettier, cleverer or just favoured by your parents as the cheerier twin? Seems her anger is due to much more than your DD not sharing toys more like long festering jealousy.

Is it your twin sister or eldest sister who wants to make amends?

If it is your eldest sister why can't you make up with parents and eldest sister only.

By all means contact and attempt reconcilliation with twin but not sure it will work.

My DCs are great friends with the cousins they met reasonably regularly as they grew up but not friends with cousins they hardly ever saw.

Could your older sister possibly help here by arranging for you three to meet somewhere? So good of you to be making the effort, life's too short etc. Think positive, of all the benefits. Are you the oldest twin?

Blimey. All over not sharing a toy? What was in the letter your twin wrote?

It sounds like the rest if the family pandered to her - not including or inviting you to big events.

Can you agree with your family that you will make up with her, have some sort of family event where you are nice to her and then just drift back into doing your own thing.

So 8 years ago your sister threw a tantrum because both your 2 were behaving like 2 yr old's.

And in the last 8 yrs your family has arrange important family events excluding you and your family.

Now they want you to make up with your sister.

Why are they indulging her, encouraging/enabling her childish behaviour. If anyone needs to grow up and apologise for their behaviour and it's not you. It your whole family.

Buy yr sister and parents Penelope Leach's baby book (I'm not sure which one) but anyone on here will tell you (who has the slightest knowledge of child development) that 2 year olds do NOT naturally share;regardless of their siblings or family position.

It seems to me that yr, sister has used the 'spat' as an excuse for a more deep seated resentment of you (does she feel that your parents favoured you or something similar?) Maybe she needs to discuss it with a therapist? I wouldn't like to be the one who tells her though

There MUST be more to this! would your sister go to counselling with you? It's really sad. Sisters and particularly twins are lucky, I always feel. Would she be prepared to go to mediation of some sort and thrash out the reasons for her resentment and anger in a controlled environment where it can't just escalate into another huge barney. It's really sad though. If I had a twin I would not want to be estranged from her. :-(

You fell out over a TOY !!!
I think its time you both made up and burried the hatchett as it would be a shame to lose a sister over something so trivial

Sounds to me that talk of parents passing on has effectively 'emotionally blackmailed' your sister into it. So other than giving your parents some 'peace of mind', what other reason does your sister have for this about turn? Because , honestly, anyone who can cause that amount of damage to a whole family over some stupid squabble involving 2 year olds, sounds pretty nasty to me.

The letter she sent you was not deserved. It takes time to write a letter. Generally, one reads it through before signing and sending. At that point, many people would decide that such harsh words were uncalled for and would either tear it up and write another, more considered letter, or would call you and say why they were that upset in the hope it could be sorted out. Your sister didn't do that. She chose to send that hurtful letter and not only that, but she then managed to convince your parents that you were somehow to blame for the rift so that they took her side. Then, they all allowed you and your DCs to be left out of important family celebrations and photos? IMO, your parents have stood by and allowed that to happen so that makes them as bad as your sister.

Personally, I would not go ahead with this. Me and my family are not toys to be discarded then picked up again years later. I understand your children would like to meet their cousins. But what happens next time there is a disagreement and your sister cuts contact again. How will you explain that having met and played together, they are no longer allowed to because mummy and auntie are not talking again?

Sorry, but I would not go there.

I actually think you have been treated appallingly by your family. Why on Earth did your parents take your sister's side? Most sensible parents wouldn't have got involved.

I think you need to take your time.

Just to answer a few points raised.

When we were children, my sister was known as the pretty one, I was the clever one - by school peers, not family I hasten to add. I was undoubtedly my mother's favourite but I don't know why.

My sister, I would put money on it, would not go for counselling. There is nothing wrong with her!! Bizarrely, when she was about 4, there was talk of her seeing a child psychologist because she always said "nobody loved her" ... my Mum could never understand as twins were fairly rare at that time and if anybody should have felt marginalised, it was my eldest sister.

My elder sister is the only constant throughout this, the one who has always stayed in contact and visited me. She also had a fall out with my twin sister that lasted about a year, not sure how that was resolved. That was again due to children issues if I remember correctly.

I don't think my sister would turn up somewhere if she knew I was there. She is told to stay away if I am visiting home.

I can't exactly remember what the note said apart from the "stay away from my family and don't ever contact us again" bit. I do wish I had kept it so my parents' could see what I was up against at the time. I do feel that they think I am at fault but there again, I don't know if they badger her to make up.

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place

is there a family mediation service that you can use?

i think you all need to swallow your pride before its too late.

you may find that twin falling out is more common that you think.
can you meet your twin without your parents there?

'Anyway, we decided to make a swift exit at this point' - can you remember exactly why? Did you say something to your twin/parents that painted you as the baddie?

I'm sorry to hear of all the family things you've missed out on. I think you deserve an apology from your parents 'before it's too late'. I'm actually disgusted that this is the only reason they have for resolving this sad situation.

Could you ask your eldest sister for her perspective? And how she managed her falling out with your twin?

Your mother had an "undoubted favourite" of her twin daughters??
There's the crux of it, by the sounds of it. This is much more complex than 2 year olds falling out over a toy.
And I can't believe you only recently told your parents about the letter.

Kaf I guess this even sadder situation than normal as you are identical twins.

What I dont understand if you were possibly favoured more...why on earth did your parents exclude you from Ruby wedding and huge birthdays? This issue is your parents...not your sis as they allowed it and treated you like outcast!

Do you think your sister lied to parents saying you said/wrote things (projected her behaviours onto you!) or possibly threatened parents 'it's me or her!' and as she lived close by they relied on her for 'family' as you moved away.

It is odd your mum talked about your sis all the time to you? Did she know the full story? Or did she think it will blow over?

I find it disgraceful though they did the Ruby/Birthday parties without you!

I have not had contact with my sis for 5 yrs...my mum lives with sis. My mum broke her arm and was in hospital and my mum's friend phoned me to see how my mum was as in hospital...I was like WTF? No one bothered to contact me!

My sis was arranging suprise 70th for my mum last yr and luckly my mum found out 2 days before and stopped it as she said if my whole family can't be here I don't want one...so my sis had to cancel rather than make ammends! My mum did the right thing! What you parents did was worse than your sis tbh!

it sounds like it is to suit them now this making ammends...not you! Lepords don't change their spots and your sis sounds like she has resented you from an early age! Maybe you snatched a toy off her when you were 2 yrs old and she could never forgive you? It could be that simple!

There are a lot of 'Why?' questions here? As you speak to your mum on the phone I suggest you meet with her first face to face to discuss what has gone on!

But from my experience be aware of your sis keep her at arms length even if you do which I hope you do make some sort of recovery from this!

During this time, my mother and father have had their Ruby Wedding, my Mum turned 60, my Dad turned 70. These have variously resulted in a family portrait of all the grand children, family meals and get together's, al excluding me and my family.

Sorry your family happily kept the peace for 8 years by excluding you and your family without even knowing the full truth. Every time you go around there you see these pictures and know that they were perfectly happy to exclude you to keep others happy.

Now that they are feeling old and mortal they want to play happy families.

Personally this is unforgivable to me.

However I am not you. If you want to then consider it on your terms.

Just how much are you going to have to sacrifice and how much crap are your children going to have to accept to be deigned to be treated as the shit on the shoes section of the family.

What if your sister does it again? Then your DC will lose family all over again.

Sorry but I'll be blunt here. Your family sound disgusting. NOT just your twin (who might have had other stuff going on) but the fact that the whole family has colluded in keeping you out of major events.

I would be telling the lot of them to fuck off to the far side of fuck in your situation - and I really mean that. In fact, I would have done it a long time ago.

Trying to rein in my and [anger] on your behalf to come up with something practical you can do but all I can say is - think about what you want. Your parents should have thought about the effect of their behaviour long before now. Their feelings are not your problem after how they have treated you.

What prompted my thoughts of a reconciliation was when I was at the supermarket the other day, there were a set of twins in front of me, who were probably late 60's.
They reminded me of my sister and I and I was sad/upset for what we will miss out on in our dotage .

Deep down, I could see my sister and I being cordial in the event of a reconciliation but I guess we will never be where we were just because of all the water that has gone under the bridge.

Although I now see my folks, I haven't forgotten that we weren't in touch for a year or so and I think that relationship has suffered for it.

In defence of my mother, I am the only daughter that lives away. My other 2 sisters live within 20 mins of her, so it's not that I have been excluded per se but it is easy not to include me. Also, I have been invited to the do's and photograph's but I just couldn't see how I could possibly go , the photo was 3 years after the fall out and the 70th was this year. I couldn't put myself or my kid's in that position, plus, it could've ruined what was apparently a great party .

Maybe it should be a case of letting sleeping dogs lie but then we get to if/when my mum/dad dies. How could I go to the funeral?
Bleurgh ... it really is crap

What clam said!

Could your mother be siding with her out of guilt at having had you as favourite? Some bizarre way of making up for that?

Ah... If you were invited that's a bit different... Not saying this is the case but your parents could maybe have seen it as you being the one not making the effort if you didn't go. I think you might have to bite the bullet and go to the next one or you'll be excluding yourself.

That puts a slightly different light on things OP. In effect it looks more like you have opted out of family stuff to 'let sleeping dogs lie' which shifts some of the blame off your family.

Basically this quarrel has been allowed to drag on for far too long by all parties. You need to decide whether you want to resolve things or not but I certainly would not be missing out on family events because someone else is behaving unreasonably.

Oh, I never meant it to sound like it was all my family at fault but can you imagine walking into a family 'do' after 3 years and carrying on as if nothing had happened ?

I just didn't feel it appropriate to subject my kids to that. She will criticise them, it is the way she is, always has been.

I just can't see a way back from this and wondered if anybody had any bright ideas.

In defence of my mother, I am the only daughter that lives away. My other 2 sisters live within 20 mins of her, so it's not that I have been excluded per se but it is easy not to include me.

Your just making excuses for their behaviour. My brothers lives a couple hours from me. Doesn't stop me from inviting him to things even if he doesn't come.