Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to heal an 8 year rift with my twin sister

59 replies

KaFayOLay · 05/08/2012 09:20

Firstly, I'll set the scene. We're identical twin sisters, who are old enough to know better! We were extremely close all through school, only making separate friends when I went to college and she went onto a YTS scheme.
We ended up working across the road from each other and would spend most lunchtimes together, as well as speaking 2-3 times a day on the phone Shock

I was her birthing partner in 1995 Smile.

I moved away from the area in 1998, met my OH, married and had children.

I visit my folks maybe twice a year and it was during one of these visits that our relationship floundered.
My daughter, who was 2 ish at the time, was playing with her daughter who is 2 weeks older. As kids of that age do, my daughter wanted whatever they were playing with to herself ... just to say, she was an only child at this point, her cousin had a sister .... when my sister chirruped up "I teach my children to share" and snatched what my girl had to give to hers. Anyway, we decided to make a swift exit at this point to check into our hotel. I didn't see my sister again during that visit.

2 weeks later, it was my eldest niece's birthday and knowing my sister was still festering, I sent money to my eldest sister to give to my niece, knowing my twin wouldn't bank a cheque if I sent it to her.

I received this money back with a note, telling me never to contact her family ever again and as far as she was concerned, I am no longer her sister!!

This actually caused a rift between myself and my parents' as they sided with her and we didn't have any contact for over a year. The only reason they made a move was because my elder sister told them I was pregnant again and they didn't want to miss out on grandchild.

During this time, my mother and father have had their Ruby Wedding, my Mum turned 60, my Dad turned 70. These have variously resulted in a family portrait of all the grand children, family meals and get together's, al excluding me and my family.

My parents' and sister have asked that we make up, folks not getting any younger etc. and how awful it would be if the rift hadn't been mended before one of them passed on .....
I have told them all of the letter that my sister sent, as she obviously didn't, but haven't shown them, I'm not even sure if I still have it. My father said it put it into a different perspective. Whether they have badgered my sister into making up, I don't know.

So, maybe the time has come to bury the hatchet ... but not in my sister's head Hmm... but how?
Or should I? She has always been self righteous and in her eyes superior to me and if I'm honest, I don't miss that part of our relationship.

I don't really expect to get an answer here but I can't speak to my family as they're all too close and I know whatever is said will get back to her.
My Mother still tells me what is going on in her life, even though I never ask after her. We both have children that neither has met and I know my kids would like to know their cousins.

Right, that was a proper ramble Wink.
So, any bright ideas?

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 06/08/2012 08:28

OP - I have been estranged from my parents for some years, due to their choice to side with my exH during our divorce.

Earlier this year, I attended a family celebration organised by another family member at which my parents and exH were present.
Was it hard? Hell, yes. But I managed it with the help of my fabulous DP, rescue remedy and the thought of a very large gin waiting for me at the hotel.

It is your choice whether or not to attend events to which you are invited - no one else's.

broodyandpoor · 06/08/2012 08:31

Kay this might sound mental to you and just ignore it if it doesn't help, but from Buddhist point of view, you came into this world with a very strong connection with your sister (close Karma) and all that has happened is that you have exhausted your karma with her.

The relationship has run it's course for the time being, however this could change as everything is subject to impermanence, for now and for your own peace of mind just let go of the situation mentally, don't engage in a any conversation with any of your family about it, then see what comes.

Try not to allow emotive images of twins together in old age sway you, or people saying to you that it would be sad if your parents passed and it hadn't been resolved. Even if it does resolve in their life times, they have been part of the problem themselves and can't be exempt from the pain and disruption that comes along with their own involvement.

You are being manipulated by others when really you have done nothing wrong, even sending money was above and beyond, after how you had been treated.

You can still love people from a distance and hope for them to be happy no matter how badly they have behaved but you don't have to be pulled into their subtle control dramas and bullying ways.

ElephantsCanRemember · 06/08/2012 08:49

I agree with most of what you have said broody. But why was sending money to OPs DN above and beyond? DN hadn't done anything wrong, OP wanted to akcnowledge the birthday. Have to be honest and say the passive aggressiveness (is that even a word??) of sending the money via a third party would piss me off.

ppeatfruit · 06/08/2012 08:58

From what you say your M is damaged by her childhood and sees nothing wrong in continuing the vicious circle (yr. twin is also affected as are you ).
It is a huge problem and either you totally ignore the lot of them and bring yr D.Cs up in a more sensitive and understanding way or just see your parents occasionally (IIWY I would keep my D.Cs well away from yr relatives).

KaFayOLay · 06/08/2012 09:11

Elephants - You do have things a bit confused, more assuming things, rather than reading wrong.
I didn't send a cheque because she would have to bank it through her account to give to her daughter and I know damn well she wouldn't. I sent money to my other sister, so she could give it directly to my niece. What happened was my twin took money off her daughter and sent it back complete with shitty letter. I was extremely close to my niece, was there when she was born, looked after her lots, used to go on holiday with them.
I can't see how sending money via my sister is passive aggressive.I know my twin would intercept any letter addressed to my niece. My niece was 10 at the time, I had no gripe with her, I couldn't see why I shouldn't acknowledge her birthday.

You are right in that it probably goes back years but there are far too many tales to tell and tbh, I don't really want to rake up the past Sad.

broody I like your Buddhist view Smile

OP posts:
KaFayOLay · 06/08/2012 09:15

ppea The last time my dc saw my Mum was last October. Thankfully I have lots in my life that makes it difficult to just pop down, so I don't have to make hollow excuses why I can't go. I know it upsets my Mum that she doesn't see them often and in her opinion, doesn't know them.

OP posts:
ElephantsCanRemember · 06/08/2012 09:36

Ka Sorry for assuming things. Still confused though, if your other sis gave your DN birthday money (that you assumed would be rejected if they knew it came from you) then how did they know it came from you? Was your DN told? If so then obviously you couldn't expect her to lie if asked by her mumwhere the money came from.

Yes it probably does go back years. I honestly think this is more about your parents, and how they have treated both of you (eg as you said one of you was the pretty one and the other was the clever one - don't understimate the damage these labels can do) and you and your twin have been caught up in it.

Having said all that, the letter your twin sent you was awful. If you want a relationship with her then do it, offer an olive branch. If you don't, then that is ok too. But don't use that as a reason not to be able to attend family events/funerals/marriages.

broodyandpoor · 06/08/2012 09:42

Elephants, she didn't want to send a cheque because then her sister wouldn't have banked it so she gave cash to her eldest sister to give directly to her niece, she is very close to her Niece and has been since she was a baby, so was making an attempt to preserve the relationship at least with her niece, if cash is given directly to her.
It would be easier for her niece, to know that her auntie cares about her and wanted her to have something nice for her birthday despite the issues that her mother was creating, by giving cash.

ElephantsCanRemember · 06/08/2012 10:28

Yes broody I understand that, what I couldn't get was if the money was given to DN then either she was told it was from the other sis, in which case why was it returned, or if the 10yr old DN was told it was from OP then she was expected to lie, which imo isn't right either.
OP it all sounds so complicated and painful. have to say though, I would be interested to hear your twins side of the story.
I hope you find a resolution OP, in whatever form that takes.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread