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Original poster

Think new man is getting bored of me :-(

72 replies

NikitasSidekick · 04/08/2012 08:21

I've posted about him on here before. Met from POF and have had 4 really lovely dates. We 'click'. Mutual physical attraction. We laugh a lot etc.

So last night was date 5 and he seemed different. He was hesitant to kiss me when we first met when usually it's the first thing he does. Maybe because we met in such a public area this time (busy main road, lots of drinkers around).
We go in to the pub and I go to sit in a cosy corner and he steers us away to a busy area and sits opposite me rather than next to me. Again, unusual.
He then starts going on about what a busy month August will be with work commitments, holiday with his kids, various weddings and "then I'm seeing you every week" - he said this as if it's a problem. He then added "Not that I mind that of course!" but it caused a bit of an awkward silence.

Later in the night we're sat in another pub and he's saying "If I did happen to meet someone ... " - we only said 3 days ago that we were going to give this a proper go, why is he still talking as if I'm 'not the one'? I don't expect marriage proposal but sometimes he talks as though he has no intention of us being an "item". BUT - then he starts telling me he'd told his mate about us which he only did as it was all going so well. He's not told anyone else as it seems too good to be true etc - so there he still sounds interested??

Later we went to see an acoustic show. Quite a long walk though, lots of banter and laughs but no hand holding - again unusual. We got in the venue and only after many more drinks did he grab my hand and start being all touchy/stroky etc. He didn't kiss me once all night except for at the end of the night when he kissed me goodbye.

I sent him a text when I got in to say what a lovely night I'd had and he replied "ok see you tomorow, good night x"

I have really fallen for this guy and I'm so frightened I'm going to get hurt here. We're supposed to be going to a festival today which lasts into the early hours of the morning and I have a feeling he's going to cancel on me.

He's such a headfuck though because we have all this but then he's saying about things he wants to take me to in September and referring to a camping trip we have planned for two weeks time.

What do you reckon is going on here??

OP posts:
Original poster
NikitasSidekick · 04/08/2012 08:22

Also, he's taken his profile off POF and when I said I'd do the same he said "you don't have to do that". Shouldn't he want me too?? but then it is good sign that he's done it right?

OP posts:
TDada · 04/08/2012 08:32

I think that you pull back ....treat this guy as just another option. Keep looking and flirting.

BelleDameSansMerci · 04/08/2012 08:36

You hardly know this man and already you're walking on eggshells trying to determine what he wants and what he's thinking. Honestly, I'd cool off a bit and either ask him or "wait and see". You seem to be rushing things a bit to me.

Have a look at this site: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ which may be thought provoking.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/08/2012 08:44

Tell him straight out that you got some mixed signals last night and YOU'RE not sure if you want to go today until it's ironed out.

Then state the mixed signals you got and shut the fuck up - don't ramble on,, just wait for him to respond.

If you're satisfied with the answer you can decide whether you want to go today.

And obviously you are going to pull back from 'falling' for him (yes, this is within your control!) as you've only been on 5 dates and you're not a teenager but a mature, adult woman who's not going to 'fall' anywhere, for anyone who's dicking them around after 5 dates!

Frankly, I can't be arsed with game playing and you really have to respect yourself enough to be wanting/expecting the truth.

I agree that he's going off you enough to start pissing you about and trying to take control - he senses that you are keen on him.

Are you going to let this happen or regain some of the balance (not power)?

CogitoErgOlympics · 04/08/2012 08:50

I think you've had the 'I'm washing my hair', 'let's cool it' speech quite honestly and you should back off. Keep your distance, don't chase him around, spend more time with friends, stop waiting for the phone to ring. If he contacts you, say you thought he was too busy to get together. You've had a good time but I think it's run its course.

OhEmGee24 · 04/08/2012 08:53

It's been 5 dates!! Chill out woman!

Original poster
NikitasSidekick · 04/08/2012 08:54

Totally different to how he was on Tuesday though. Tuesday he was saying he wants to give things a go with me, take his profile off POF (which he has done) and organised a camping trip for us for two weeks time. He seemed to be saying he wants this and if I ever have doubts I should tell him and he wants me to trust him that he would do the same.

I'll see if he pulls out of todays plans. If he does, I'll know.

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum99 · 04/08/2012 08:55

you have only had five dates (are you the woman who posted about the camping trip?) I think you are stepping ahead of yourself a million steps here. You shoudlnt be being "headfucked" tbh if you feel like this, then id cool off considerably, if he's keen and its "meant to be" it will happen, but from what you have posted, id consider tht he may well be keeping his options open. Are you sure he has taken his profile down? Could he not just have changed it so that you don't realise it is still up there.

I find the whole internet dating idea a bit odd, its like a sweet shop of available dates, or shoe shop of shoes - i am so indecisive so i could imagine i would have lots of "potentials" and would struggle to make up my mind - saying that i struggle to decide what to have for dinner. But you know what i mean, its not a traditional medium for meeting people and i wonder if the etiquette is different. Traditionally, you meet someone you like either through friends or a night out, work, etc - you start dating. But with internet dating you are almost going through an audition process, of coures you are doing the same thing. It makes for a bit of an insecure start if you ask me. Traditionally i think fidelity at the start is more likely but with internet dating there is the likelihood of someone having several options open.

OhEmGee24 · 04/08/2012 09:00

I kind of agree with lucyellen. Until you've had the "we're exclusive" (cringe) chat, you are both entitled to keep your options open and it sounds like he is. He may have taken his profile off pof but he may well have one on match or guardian etc. I'm actually an advocate for Internet dating I met my fantastic boyfriend on there in January but at 5 dates I made sure I kept all this in mind. It sounds like you've put all your eggs in one basket, op. Remember, there are Plenty Of Fish in the sea. Go out with the girls.

TDada · 04/08/2012 09:24

You need to set the agenda. Not just up to him. Please start looking forward to your next one but keep this man as an option.

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2012 09:27

Just a thought, you might be blocked from his POF name.

Try signing up again with another name and email address and see if he's actually there.

Mind you, I think something's happened (another date, maybe?) and he's lost interest. You really don't want to start a relationship with someone based on you walking on eggshells.

Can I ask you something personal? You've had five dates now. Have you slept with him?

Original poster
NikitasSidekick · 04/08/2012 09:31

No we've not slept together - not even come close.

He's definitely not on POF as I got my friend to search for him on her account.

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum99 · 04/08/2012 09:31

Has he got a rabbit?

Original poster
NikitasSidekick · 04/08/2012 09:35

?? not as far as I know! why?

OP posts:
Original poster
NikitasSidekick · 04/08/2012 09:35

oh yeah, I see what you did there lol. doh.

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum99 · 04/08/2012 09:37

sorry, just trying to light heartedly point out that you are putting too much onto this guy. It could be that he was in a funny mood last night, but that text he sent you was really dismissive - the goodnight x but, was like, goodnight - now dont text me again tonight. What time are you supposed to be meeting him today?

OhEmGee24 · 04/08/2012 09:49

Personal question but how old are you both? Are you both looking for something serious?

ladymuckbeth · 04/08/2012 09:50

Reading this makes me feel uncomfortable because I see a bit of myself in your behaviour OP and I know how difficult I found dating because I was giving too much too quickly.

The fact that you texted him to say how much you'd enjoyed the evening sums it up really. I think you should look at why you did that because from what you say, actually you hadn't enjoyed it at all because it had left you feeling confused and vulnerable.

Some excellent advice here but the best I think is that which days YOU don't want to meet today unless your concerns are cleared up. It may not give the outcome you desire but could save you weeks or months of anxiety and greater heartache further down the line.

pictish · 04/08/2012 09:58

Haud on the bell Nelly!
Or in other words, slow down.

I think he is going off you, and possibly finding you a bit intense.

Retain your dignity at all costs, and back off - keep your options open, and for God's sake don't moon about waiting for this guy to call...you are letting him call all the shots if you do.

It's been 5 dates so really he is not beholden to you at all. Or you him. Profiles on the internet whether they are up or down on POF or not, are meaningless...he might have another profile elsewhere, or whatever. Not saying he does...but the profile being down signifies nothing, that's all.

teaandthorazine · 04/08/2012 09:59

Internet dating is great and eventually you'll probably meet someone fabulous but I don't think this guy sounds like The Guy.

If you're thinking 'it's a headfuck' after 5 dates, it's not right. I speak from YEARS of internet dating experience! It should not be confusing, worrying, stressful at this stage. You should not have to be analysing his every move and his every word. It should be fun and lighthearted. He is giving you very mixed signals and you, quite understandably, need someone to be much more straightforward.

My advice would be - move on. It does sound rather like he's changed his mind, sorry. It happens - it's happened to me and I've done it to other people. I don't think you're going to get much joy from this one tbh - chalk it up to experience and move on.

And btw - if you're worried about getting hurt, you need to look at how much you're investing in him so early on. If you 'really fall' for men within a couple of dates, you're going to find internet dating very hard. Best of luck!

Original poster
NikitasSidekick · 04/08/2012 10:11

Ok advice has been taken onboard. He's not text me at all yet today so I'm assuming the festival thing isn't happening. Then again, he does tend to sleep in until gone 10am after a night out so he could just still be in bed.

Either way, I'm going to try and forget him in the sense that I'll assume we're just friends, if he keeps in contact at all.

I just want to point out thought that whilst I may seem intense on here - I'm not like that with him. I very rarely text him first, I only ever reply to his texts. I never reply straight away and sometimes I don't reply at all. I don't think I could have come across bunny boilerish to him as it's always him making the first moves. In fact, he's said a few times that he's constantly paranoid that I'm not interested - maybe I've gone too far the other way and he feels like I blow hot and cold?

God knows. Time to chill I think.

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 04/08/2012 10:12

The remark that you thanked him for a good night even when you hadnt actually enjoyed it is spot on.

Dont debase your self wringing your hands over why he is doing xy and z and what he said on Monday. I agree with others - forget him

gettingeasier · 04/08/2012 10:14

X post

Yep time to chill Smile

Xales · 04/08/2012 10:26

Are you the one who was debating about the camping trip as you were not sure you would be ready for sex with this man?

Makes me think that after 5 dates he has decided you are too much like hard work to try and get a shag out of? Not that there is anything wrong with that. Just that he may actually only be after that from dating despite what he says.

Or after the should we give this a try he realised he wasn't as into you as he thought and is trying to let you down cowardly so he doesn't hurt you in his opinion?

Chalk another one up on the board. 5 dates. Nice guy. Time to move on.

Concentrateonthegood · 04/08/2012 10:29

Goodness, it's only 4 dates. Far too soon to be thinking of becoming an item!

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