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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my dad died today and couldnt give a flying fuck

62 replies

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 04/08/2012 00:58

that is a bit wiered isnt it. I have even had slight emotion to strangers dieing.

But this bloke my father an old bastard, I couod not give a shit about. i was told this morning and dint give it a second thought untill a few moments ago when someone posted on bd fb wall, thoughts are with you. Took me awhile to work out why.

its a bit unuasual isnt it? to have such a terrible parent, you couldnt careless if they die.

would have loved to have had a good father but that didnt happen. no biggy though!! bit fucked up by that but generally I function Ok as a result.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 04/08/2012 01:02

Was exactly the same for me.

Tears came properly when I felt the pain of knowing I would never have a dad, that it was never going to change, allowed myself to feel properly sorry for myself - before he died he still existed 'somewhere' (never saw him for 17 years) - after I had to come to terms with having no one ever.

I don't know what it will be like for you but I can only urge you to take care of yourself, whatever you feel.

{hugs}, for now or whenever.

dontcallmehon · 04/08/2012 01:04

I'm sorry that you didnt have the relationship you should have had with your dad. And however you feel is ok, too. It must be strange. I don't see my father. Don't know how I'd feel if I found out he'd died. I guess not
much. And that would feel odd too.

VicarGoingForGoldInKungFu · 04/08/2012 01:06

not that unusual. When i heard my SF had died i did not bat an eyelid. i will do the same when my mother goes.

ive not had contact for a long time, and i think i am just about at peace with it, why be a hypocrite?

im ok with my decision. They were no parents to me alive, im not going to change that when they die.

if it bothers you then id see about counselling.

thornrose · 04/08/2012 01:09

Look after yourself, all kinds of emotions can come to the surface now. It's really shit having a terrible parent isn't it? What does that make us?

perfumedlife · 04/08/2012 01:10

Isn't it grief of sorts though, grieving for the dad you never had? I'm so sorry you had such a lousy father TET Sad

Do you want to talk about it? x

Original poster
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 04/08/2012 01:12

I dont think I will cry and dont think this non emotion will change. But that is what makes it slightly odd.

I often used to dream what it would be like to actually be the one to take his life. Both my dbs married and i often wondered if I could actually stab him at these events, that is really odd. I would play it over in my hesd running up to both weddings

I sat on the bus once with my dd and she sat on the seat a few rows in front but facing and he sat next to her. He dint know who she was but i moved her and he did not react i even wondered if he knew it was me. You would never forget how your own dd looks would you?I was an adult when I last seen him so he would have known. but he did not react luckily. bizzare.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 04/08/2012 01:16

God how awful for you! How could he not recognise you? Did he have a drink problem?

Original poster
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 04/08/2012 01:18

thornrose that makes us better parents. a better position than most Grin.

as for counceling. I think I will, Nit for this particularly but the line of work im entering, I think it will help. I have began to understand recently due to tyraining as a sw that some of my undesirable qualities are as a result of of this poor parenting. Im resiliant obviously, but it I have not experienced a healthy upbringing and should really begin to understand this. io always felt \i had dealt with it,but I think it is more a fact of just getting on with it rather than getting over it.

OP posts:
VicarGoingForGoldInKungFu · 04/08/2012 01:21

if he has done something for which he should be ashamed then he maybe thought it better to play dumb....and perhaps it was.

i am having counselling, which has been hugely beneficial in sorting out my feelings, in steering me away from contact (my brother and mother have tried to make contact with me)
when it would not be healthy for me, they are all loons, and they drag me down to their warped levels......no good for me or my family, and my family life is normal, while theirs is not....
(they are addicts,)

so, if you are feeling odd about it, i would suggest looking into counselling. i think i do still grieve for the family i feel like i should have had.
but the reality is different, and needs to be dealt with.
good luck op.

thornrose · 04/08/2012 01:24

Great answer troll, nothing trumps how not to parent quite like it!

Original poster
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 04/08/2012 01:26

yes he did have a drink problem, he was very abusive to my Dm and some of my siblings but not all of us, and not me as far as I can remember, but I did begin reading a self help book about hiden abuse, so I often wondered. although In have no memory of any specific abuse but a few moments of memories from a small child that leave me wondering what they are about. I was not at the right time to finish that book thoigh it is hidden in my house and I know i will read it one day and understand some more.

OP posts:
thornrose · 04/08/2012 01:30

"A father wounded in his own psychological development.. will not be able to give his daughter the care and guidance she needs. Inheriting this wound may in turn impair her ability to express herself, professionally, intellectually, sexually or socially."
Sorry if this way off the mark for you but it makes so much sense to me.

Original poster
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 04/08/2012 01:32

thanks vicar those sound like wise words. my whole family are fucked. and the ones who think they are not are the ones who are effected most of all and sadly all as a result of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 04/08/2012 01:36

again absolutly spot on vicar Im prioratising two of those just now, the other 2 can wait untill I have finished my degree Smile.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 04/08/2012 01:38

thornrose sorry Blush

OP posts:
thornrose · 04/08/2012 01:40

Sorry, bit cringy self helpy, I've had a drink!

Original poster
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 04/08/2012 01:48

Iv had a drink too Grin It is not cringy, this particular self help. It is designed for use with in MH teams.

I managed to get hold of copy through my training but It is designed for Mh patients to explore with a practitioner.

many teams have signed up for this and attempt to establish if patients are likely to make a disclosure and how to work with them if they do.

there is a practitioner book and a service user book with activities to go through.

Most of the activities look ver usefull, surrounding narative and dealing with your own discourse and and your narrative. It gives some examples of other peoples narative and asks you to make your own.

But it also states that if yiou are working though this book alone it is imperastive do so with counceling.

OP posts:
thornrose · 04/08/2012 01:51

I thought you were horribly embarassed by my quote...

thornrose · 04/08/2012 01:52

which came from a self help book.

izzyizin · 04/08/2012 01:53

I've attended more than one funeral where the majority of the congregation were there to make sure the deceased didn't climb out of the box.

It seems that your f was dead to you long ago and now he's joined the choir invisible you don't have to worry about seeing him on any more buses.

However, if you are planning to become a social worker, exploring what may be deeper feelings with a counsellor would be expedient and may prevent you over-empathising or otherwise being able to maintain professional detachment in the event that you encounter a case that reminds you of your childhood or early family experiences.

Original poster
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 04/08/2012 01:55

no just very poor punctuation on my part, lol!!

used blush as I mixed your quote up with another poster.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 04/08/2012 02:03

izzy you are right in that. even in my first year of training (which is very basic) have I raelised that. early development and experience is relevent across the life course and so I have so much more to experience and understand, that some form of counceling will be very benifital.

I wonder if my GP would help or if i need to look privatly. i have a friend training via nhs for psychotherapy and I question her knowledge over my own, which is quite arrogant I know and so have wondered if I would be better looking for a more experienced councellor privatly.

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 04/08/2012 03:05

OP,

You did give a flying fuck otherwise you would not have posted to say he died.

Are you okay?

You may have some mixed emotions.

Your childhood may have been dire, but it is also okay to feel some emotion at this news.

dondon33 · 04/08/2012 03:56

Still doesn't mean OP cared though. I think her post is more of a "is it normal" to feeling nothing, not even relief or joy.

I'm sorry you haven't had the dad you deserve Troll, me neither, never had, but I accepted that a very long time ago. I never refer to him as Dad he is, if I must speak about him, "the sperm donor". I honestly wouldn't piss on him if he was burning in front of me so can't imagine me crying or feeling anything when he goes.

coribells · 04/08/2012 04:21

lauriefairycakes how do you come to terms with having no one ever?

TheEnthusiasticTroll I sympathise, My father is still alive and yes I do wonder how I will feel when dies.( I can count the number of times ive met him on two hands-just) I expect not much as I barely know him but it does seem odd/wrong not to have any feeling for the death of a person without whom you wouldnt exist. sigh, tis is not easy.