my dad died today and couldnt give a flying fuck

[TheEnthusiasticTroll]

that is a bit wiered isnt it. I have even had slight emotion to strangers dieing.

But this bloke my father an old bastard, I couod not give a shit about. i was told this morning and dint give it a second thought untill a few moments ago when someone posted on bd fb wall, thoughts are with you. Took me awhile to work out why.

its a bit unuasual isnt it? to have such a terrible parent, you couldnt careless if they die.

would have loved to have had a good father but that didnt happen. no biggy though!! bit fucked up by that but generally I function Ok as a result.

For me it's makes no difference alive or dead as he is in different country so wont bump into him! I wont be attending the funeral ..I think it will be like a stranger tbh!
My mum made up for df so I will never miss him.

i live quite happily, no anger, no bitterness what so ever - just sadness sometimes. My heart is very open to love, i have a wonderful family unit of 4, thats me, dh, and my two kids.
i have a dear friend who is like a mother to me.
i have few friends, but they mean the world to me.
i would not say that those of us in the same position as the OP have hardened their hearts - i call it self preservation.

my counselor has steered me right away from opening any dialogue or contact with my family at all - and she has done that for a reason, and has been quite open about it.
She did "rewind" therapy and had to watch the wreckage as i recounted the first incident in which my SF was involved, i was 7.
she has said no contact for a reason, and that reason is to keep me healthy, happy, and on the right track.
my heart is open to love, and i have love, with my own children, with my DH, and with those who dont seek to hurt me or use me for their own ends, to absolve themselves of guilt, or make it ok for them.
im past that.

so many similar stories here, My db was recorded as his NOK and so has to manage a few things. I called him earlier to see if he wants me to sort anything but he has it under control. Not that I feel responsible for him in death, but sadly as his dcs the council apparently see it a bit different if his flat is not cleared they will begin to charge rent, so felt I should be of help to my db.

that is exactly what it is vicar self preservation and resiliance. As without both is when the cycle repeats its self.

I often wonder how I will react when my dad dies. I have nothing but feelings of anger towards him but I do get upset for not having that father and daughter relationship.

I wish dh felt like that. His dad was an utter shit and a pathetic excuse fir a husband and father but dh sort years trying go re-establish a relationship with him. He was devastated when he died as it was unfinished business in his eyes. More crap is coming out now in the aftermath of dh's affair. I wish dh had been able to have your attitude op. It seems totally sane and not at all weird.

VICAR my heart is open to love, and i have love, with my own children, with my DH, and with those who dont seek to hurt me or use me for their own ends, to absolve themselves of guilt, or make it ok for them.
im past that.

That exactly - very profound. Because that's often why we keep going back to bash our heads against that wall. Because we take on guilt and responsibility for their unhappiness ( as abusers are surely unhappy - arent they? ) and we say to ourselves 'yes , but he/she's my dad, mum, brother, sister, father of my children etc etc and society expects us to take that view also. The general reaction of people when told you dont bother with your dad/mum/sister/whoever any more, tells us that.

But in repeatably trying to absolve them, forgive them or whatever and try yet again on the altar of 'well, he is my dad' etc. we are chipping away at our own happiness and what little bit of self esteem they have left us with.

I felt the same, read it in a newspaper that the sick old bastard had finally died.

Good, the world is a better place without him in it.

My dad died a couple of months ago and I couldn't give a toss either. My siblings and I went down to his funeral to make sure he was in fact dead. If you treat appalling for so long then they won't care if you are dead.

He was an alcoholic womaniser and at times violent. Never gave a toss about his family and used to leave IOU notes in my winnie the pooh money box.........I am still cross about that

My natural father was a hugely violent, nasty, disturbed individual. Despite my mum divorcing him when I was four (and going on to remarry a incredibly lovely man who I always refer to as my day) I still remember him breaking her nose multiple times, choking her, pouring tar over her clothes, boiling her jewellery (?!), ripping up all the family photos. When we heard that he had died I took my mum to the pub in her village and we got royally pissed on champagne. Gave not a fuck. And still don't, years later. It's okay to not care.

So many sad experiences on here. Good to know that we are not alone! Although my dad was never violent and we were always fed & clothed, he made it clear throughout our childhoods that we were a burden for him (why then have 4 children?). He was cold, emotionless but at the same time very manipulative - his policy was one of divide and rule, and he often told me as a child how much I was hated by my siblings. Now none of us are close, and only 1 son remains in contact with him. I finally had the courage to 'divorce' him about 10 years ago and have never had a moment's regret, other than not doing it sooner. OP, I totally sympathise with your feelings, please don't worry or feel guilty about your lack of emotion towards your father's demise. Some individuals are just not worthy of emotion, and he was clearly one of them. (My sister and I have also had experiences of our father pretending not to recognise us/our children in public - pathetic!)

This thread has come at an interesting time for me as I've recently found out that my father is dying..... and I've made the decision not to go and see him.

He moved abroad and split with DM when I was 11. I saw him a few times in my teens. the last time I had any contact with him was when i was 17. I'm 33 now. He was manipulative and could be violent he was also emotionally abusive to my younger siblings and mum. What hurt me most was that when he ran away to a life in the sun he left mum with massive debts and gave no support. there was no regular contcat or visits.... he said he found it too difficult. Aged 17 I decided i wanted nothing more to do with him. And I have managed to marry a lovely man and have 3 lovely children.

I had a facebook message from my half sister ( in her teens) who I have never met. He has had cancer for some time and is now going to die soon/ next few days. I have decided not to go and see him. The truth is I dont hate him. I wont be glad when he dies. but I wont be sad either. I decided a long time to move on with my life. I really hope he is comfortable and surrounded by those that love him but I wont be there.

I hope that makes some sense.... and no you are not alone in feeling nothing when they die