my dad died today and couldnt give a flying fuck

[TheEnthusiasticTroll]

that is a bit wiered isnt it. I have even had slight emotion to strangers dieing.

But this bloke my father an old bastard, I couod not give a shit about. i was told this morning and dint give it a second thought untill a few moments ago when someone posted on bd fb wall, thoughts are with you. Took me awhile to work out why.

its a bit unuasual isnt it? to have such a terrible parent, you couldnt careless if they die.

would have loved to have had a good father but that didnt happen. no biggy though!! bit fucked up by that but generally I function Ok as a result.

and dint give it a second thought untill a few moments ago when someone posted on bd fb wall, thoughts are with you.

The ambivalence of emotion is signalled in the OP IMO.

I would rather hold out my hand in support to OP than get into a debate about absent fathers on this thread.

OP there are brilliant people on your thread.

Just say what you feel.

I really dont give a shit about him, have no emotion or conection to him what so ever, I dont feel grieved as there is no loss.

I posted becuase it is a bad state of affairs that a parent can be so crap thier children dont even care that they have died. I know there are other people who experience simialr and i thought it usefull to share as subjects like this often tend to counjure up discussion.

What is usefull though is that some poeople have posted about coming to terms with experiences and that is helpfull.

coribells - I've come to terms with it by creating my own life, choosing my own 'family' - great friends, a good partner who has a loving family. I also had a lot of therapy to come to terms with the past when I was training.

There are times I have still felt the sharp pain of the past - my best friends father died recently and they were very close - I felt jealous of her grief, of the amazing love she had experienced for 40 years.

Its not abivilance, i was told in the morning and that was that and had not thought about anything related and had to think for a moment why someone posted that on my brothers facebook and then it occured to me what it was refering to. It had not conjured anything up at that point Untill i posted here as I did then think, thats not the usual experience when a parent dies.

dont get me wrong there are effects of not having a great upbringing but that is not related to love or hate of that parent, that is about the poor effects that parent has had on your development as a human being.

I didn't give a shit when my grandad died. I was at my nans and she was on the phone to her DD who was talking about the funeral. Nan came off the phone and said he had died, I just shrugged and made a cup of tea.

He was a horrible bastard who treated my nan like shit. Some people don't deserve to live.

When my egg donor (known to most people as mothers) dies, I don't even know if I will find out. I certainly wouldn't care. The only thing I would like to do it turn up to her funeral to announce who I am which would certainly make people think differently of her as she completely denies my existance. Just a 'nail in her coffin' so to speak.

My two grown up DCs never see their abusive father, (their choice and he never tries to contact them). They were never abused by him themselves but were no doubt affected by witnessing so much and were probably more afraid of him than l'll ever know really.

I do feel really sorry for them at times wondering if they ever think about the fact they have a father out there somewhere but are still without a dad to all intents and purposes. I have asked them both and they both sort of shrug it off as something they cant change as when they have attempted a relationship he has been very toxic so they've both given up.

Fathers day l remember feeling an overwhelming sadness when out with my DD and everybody else seemed to have a much loved dad in tow. This thread is giving me an insight into how they both maybe feel and l do often wonder how they would feel if he died. Probably a bit like you OP - as in he wasnt a father when he was alive so why should l miss him now.

It is very sad though isnt it, almost a living bereavement of having the nice father you should have had really.

mindyourown I have always felt very much like your own dc, however i have never really realised the extent of the damage he has done untill quite recently. I said up thread my siblings are fucked up, that is not stricktly true we are all great parents, have good jobs and function well, however the price of his abuse has risen its ugly head in a number of different ways, particularly in our relationships with each other and our own partners.

You've given me food for thought OP.

My DS is struggling atm with his feelings regarding his own very absent father.

Mind yourself, you do sound very level headed about it all

Hi ya op,just wanted to reply to your post as ill be in your shoes some day - your allowed to not care about someone who didn't care about you. You get out of relationships what you put into them .

My grieving has started long before my dad has died ..........id love to have a good dad

Take care xxx

Yes, you do get out of relationships exactly what you put in to them.

FWIW my mother and I had a poor relationship and I wasnt too bothered when she died several years ago- was it 8- for my own sake. I expected to grieve at some point, and everyone said I would, but I havnt.

What I did come to see was that she had a fairly tough life, and I was sorry for her that she died rather young, but at the same time she didnt put much effort into raising us, and was usually more concerned about herself than anyone else, and when I come to think about it, most of our friends and family were aware of that.

So I can feel pity and a little sadness for her, but no sense of loss, as she wasnt really 'there' in the first place.

I couldn't tell you went my 'father' died, its been a few years. I found out he had died only because it was in the local paper. I may sound evil but was quiet pleased to have a week of work paid.

I did go to the furenal and corrected the Priest tho

i dont think anyone ever intentionally would mess their children up.

a lot of times abusers have been abused themselves.

it sounds like your dad didnt have much in his tool bag when it came to parenting...how was he parented i wonder?

its sad that you have hardened your heart.

No, it is sad that she has had to be in a position where she has no feelings about this death.

OP, my sister and I often wonder how we will feel when our father dies. Yes, he was crappily parented himself; no, I don't care in the sense that he did a fucking awful job as a parent. I am sorry for the loss that happened, for you, many many years ago.

I cant say my heart is hardenend at all.

I dont really know how he was parented, the reason he abused was becuase he was an evil bastard he certainly knew better, he had lots of positive influences, he chose to do what he did intentionaly. there was nothing wrong with his tool kit he just opted out of being a good parent.

I do agree with you though that poor parents often have been poorly parented or abused themselfs but that is not the case in every instance and many people who have been abused etc do not turn out the same.

Lowercase, your last sentence is sanctimonious twaddle.

There are all sorts of poor parenting and, of course, poor parenting in preious generations plays a large part.

However, we also make choices and are accountable for them.

My mother chose to spend money on clothes rather than food, turn a blind eye to the sexual abuse of my sisters (she was told), and a whole heaps of stuff to me that I could barely relate without outing myself.

Sure, she had a bad upbringing. So did I, for that matter. Hopefully I care about my children a bit more than she did, and I can say the same for my siblings.

It is sad that we learn over many years and much trying that we are pissing in the wind to try and get our parents to care, and we dont all succeed. Therefore, those of us who can at least feel sad for them, rather than on our own behalf, are doing rather well, I feel.

''its sad that you have hardened your heart''

No it isn't sad that your heart had been hardened towards the man who

left us because my mother couldn't give him a son who already had 3 girls
sold our xmas gifts before the new year to spend down the pub
quit his job so he didn't have to pay towards his childrens upkeep

So he was a useless fucker and I made everyone who he had left griving for him know just what kind of man he was.

FWIW I felt relief when my abusive H passed on

It will be the same when my parents die. I can not wait tbh as then I will know my children will be safe from my mother's threats.

I'm sad for you, OP. I'm sad for me too because I'll be the same. It will feel weird but that's it really. So many posters here without a good dad... I'm hoping that it's just a stratified sample and that the posters with good dads massively outweigh the rest of us.

I always wanted Peter Ustinov as a dad, I think he would have been just right for me.

A hug for you, I know how you feel - well, I will in time. It' just weird and feels odd.

appareantly one of my brothers was quite upset as he didnt quite know how he should feel and he felt bad that he did not care much for him. I have not had that emotional responce and neither has my sister, my oldest brother his step son has sadly been down as his NOk and so was contacted and will enevitably be resposible for arranging his funeral, he will most likely do it aswell. I wouldnt I would just let the state deal with him. he does not derserve a respectable send off.

OP, I understand how you feel.

You have your emotions and you are at peace with them in regards to your relationship with him. I am the same

I think a ;lot of what your OP says is that you are expected to behave/react in a certain way, even if some things have happened which cannot ever be rectified, forgiven or forgotten.

Take care of yourself. And know that you did what was right - don't let anyone tell you otherwise if you know your feelings were true at the time

I can relate to that. Hugs.

The grief comes earlier when you have a defunct parent, well it has for me anyway.

My mother is the last person I turn to or think of come good times or bad. It leaves me with a horrid empty feeling.

i can relate too, but im on the next page.

my mother could have written the op.

she is still bitter and angry.

bitterness and anger just harms the one who feels it.

sorry if i have offended anyone.

My thoughts are with you.. I've had the same thing happen... Hearing that my biological father - this practical stranger - had died. His death impacted my life not at all as he had deserted us kids when young... And when he had popped into our lives now and again over the years it was negative and upsetting.

He was a sad troubled man... A registered psychopath. Felt no remorse for his actions. So much do that when he got older, aged 62 he SUED us 4 kids saying we had to pay for his nurse, care, all expenses et al. He had lung and liver disease from his drinking and smoking. Womaniser, alcoholic. The irony is we were already buying all his food and basics anyhow... Not through guilt as we knew we owed him nothing (he had never paid a cent in maintenance. Ever). But just because we had got together as siblings and decided to help him. His witch girlfriend got greedy and demanded more. Of course... They lost the court case once they'd received the true story of the b* he was and his own lawyer said we were great kids.. That she had taken in the case not knowing the full story.

So... How did I feel when he died aged 64? I felt enormous relief. Immense sadness. The sadness and grief I felt was that death was so finite... That there was now no chance of there even being a relationship, him perhaps asking for forgiveness and reconciling with us kids. He was gone, and so was that little hope I always had.

I took it worse than I thought I would... I cried not for the man but for what never was. You might still have tears ... Let them flow. Hold tightly onto those in your life who DO give a damn.

Sending you a big hug.

Lowercase, you are quite right that we live best without the anger and bitterness.

You just didnt take into account that some of us are precisely not angry and bitter. I am not, actually, I am well past that. As I said in my earlier post, I see her life in context.

However, I still dont have those feelings for her- they were never taught in me. I think it is the same for some others here.