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Original poster

DH's use of porn

110 replies

wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 16:55

Regular but NC for obvious reasons.

I have been married for 5 years. 2 preschool children.

I have to say I'd been OK with very vanilla porn and had even watched it with him. Sex life was normal - no terrible shocks in store, until I discovered websites he'd been looking at when I was pregnant with out first child.

Then last year he said he was 'addicted' and maybe should get help. I was just really angry as I felt he'd just dragged me into this sordid world. I took no part in it. We couldn't afford counselling or anything, and we just limped on. Now our sex life is pretty much dead.

I know he's still visiting these websites. I had a look yesterday whilst he was out. He does delete most of his browsing history. It's fucking disgusting. Look away if you're sensitive. It's 'anal fisting' Nothing like this has even been a suggestion he wants to do to me. That is the length and depth of the 'thing' that he's in to.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

I just don't know what to do. I can't really 'tell' him to stop - he has his own laptop/phone. Any strategies/suggestions most welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 21:29

Hi Tuffin. What a nightmare. Thanks for posting.

Was there an option for you to get counselling too?

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 02/08/2012 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tuffinmop · 02/08/2012 21:38

Hi wist
He now wants me to see his counsellor, so I can understand the addiction. That will be great and positive but I just feel so angry I could burst, like a boil full of pus Sad He is a great dad and he seems truely sorry.
I have been let down so many times though. He has told me he would stop and didn't. I just feel as though if we stay together it will be under new rules/expectations as I will never feel the same again about him. I do not know how to move forward from there. I feel I do not want sex again with him as TBH it was never good and to try and rekindle crap seems like a waste of time. Maybe we can have a sexless relationship.
You sound like a lot further up the line than me, my advice would be to get
really tough now, get it all out, really let him know how you feel. I should have thrown him out in 2010 but didn't have the guts. Now I just feel bitter. I was too passive.
The final straw for me was when I checked his history and discovered he had viewed porn whilst our 3 kids were watching disney downstairs and I was out. It was the middle of the day.

Original poster
wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 21:41

Oh shit - that's my nightmare about the kids being around. However, I can honestly say I don't think that has happened here. The kids are too young and 'around' too much.

I'm also querying the 'addiction' label DH has given himself. When we've been on family holidays without WifI he's been OK... Mmmm

OP posts:
Original poster
wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 23:20

Well fuck me, this thread is about to take an unexpected turn.

He came home, we argued. He left.

Fucking hell.

I know this is going to read as some troll. I'm going to speak to my best mate now. How fucking weird.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 02/08/2012 23:33

OP, I am so sorry, how are you feeling?

Original poster
wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 23:46

I don't really believe it. I think he'll come back fairly soon. Thing is, I'm not ok with it. I won't ever believe he's not viewing it when left alone.

I'm not even drunk! I can't believe I'm sat here drinking tea with all this going on tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 23:48

Best mate was great. I'm a coper. I'll see what unfolds over the next day. I like the fact I feel in control of this. Which may not strictly be true, but I don't feel gutted ATM

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 03/08/2012 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LostinaPaperCup · 03/08/2012 01:09

It's not fantasy. Not to the women who are being anally fisted; that's actually happening to them and your husband knows this and gets off on it.

It is not fantasy.

Original poster
wisteriashoe · 03/08/2012 06:17

MornIng. Yes it was about porn. It was a 'cards on table' type of discussion. Not nice.

He said its fantasy and how he's never tried to bring it into real life. True. I cited the fact that those women were not enjoying it, unlikely to be fully consenting etc. he has no clue about the industry.

I dont know what's going to happen now. I asked him not to tell his parents, dispite the fact he wanted to. I said it was pretty selfish to drag that out for public consumption.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 03/08/2012 07:30

Sorry to hear that he has left - it might not be such a bad thing as being away from his family and home comforts might be the reality hit he so needs.

He needs to realise that he stands to lose everything if he refuses to put his marriage and family first and that life as a single dad in a bedsit is not fun.

Original poster
wisteriashoe · 03/08/2012 07:35

Yeah. I think that's what'll happen actually. I don't think this is the end. I think it's just an argument, although he hadn't ever gone to jis psrents before.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 03/08/2012 08:54

Hi Wisteria, Maybe he has taken off because of the shame. If he wanted to tell his parents, just as he has admitted he has a problem, it seems very likely that he does feel some shame and is quite desperate to get it out in the open. He must know that by doing so he will be placed under more pressure to stop. If that is the case there is every reason to believe that with the right help he can deal with it.

OlivesTorchStreak · 03/08/2012 09:09

Morning Wisteria. Sorry to hear about the walk out. I know it would be really uncomfortable to bring his parents into this, but if he is prepared to do so then maybe it is a good thing? I mean, would you really want to tell your Mum about this (cringe) if you weren't going to address the situation? It might help bring his 'fantasy' into reality and make him wake up to himself.

Aside from this shit, your husband sounds like one of the good ones. You are doing the right thing to try to get this sorted.

Original poster
wisteriashoe · 03/08/2012 09:26

Thanks. He's on his way back now.

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 03/08/2012 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wisteriashoe · 03/08/2012 10:58

He says he'll stop, realises what he's got to lose etc. I've asked that he stay away for a few days. I'm out now and he's with the kids. He looks a bit broken tbh, but I can't just paper over the cracks here.

I think the division between rl and fantasy is clear in my head. I know it's impacting on our life, but it isn't likely to manifest itself aggressively between us. By that I mean I'm not frightened that this type of porn is actually going to ever be played out.

OP posts:
Weathermerrier · 03/08/2012 11:15

My DH was like this, I put the parental controls on the computer :D

OlivesTorchStreak · 03/08/2012 13:09

Well done Wisteria. You sound like you are handling the situation really well. Stay strong.

Charbon · 03/08/2012 13:57

Just read through this thread and saw your last post.

Presumably your self-assurance that the type of porn and the aggression of it is not going to be introduced into your sex life or relationship is the least of your worries, isn't it?

I'd have thought that the effect of his addiction on your marriage, your own life and those of your children especially in the future is the real issue?

Reading through your posts it's like you've got competing and contradictory arguments going on in your head. On the one hand you say you've got a non-existent sex life and he fails to do essential jobs because of his addiction and on the other you say he's a great husband and father. An addiction of any kind has an impact on a whole family and I honestly think you need to face up to that and stop trying to compartmentalise it.

Now that he has walked out instead of attempting to resolve things, at the very least that shows that whereas you can compartmentalise, he cannot.

What caused you to post when it seems this behaviour has been going on for years? I wonder whether it's because you realised something has shifted and got worse in recent weeks? In view of his walk-out, I'd be very suspicious for example that this has now crossed over into real-life for him, but with someone else.

Original poster
wisteriashoe · 03/08/2012 18:06

Thanks all. Just got 5 mins before bath time.

Parental controls on the PC? No. I'm not his mother.

Charbon - The reason it has surfaced now is because of yesterday. He has at home for hours before starting work in the house alone. He did a few bits but then apparently ran out of time to mow the lawn. Something just snapped. Obviously it's not about the lawn. I can do that myself; it's just the assumption I make about what he has spent his time doing. I asked to be wrong about it, but he couldn't deny it.

He is a good husband and father. I don't think there is anyone else. Honestly - I have no reason to suspect this.

I am querying the 'addiction' label. He says he hasn't done it whilst in charge of DCs or on holiday and I do believe him.

Anyway, for now he's at his mates (not parents), and I'm glad for now. Will check back later.

OP posts:
Original poster
wisteriashoe · 03/08/2012 19:51

I have just finished watching that documentary. Chilling stuff. I've emailed it to DH and request that he watches it and reads the comments.

Not sure it'll achieve a groundbreaking result (whatever that may be), but it's worth showing my point of view.

OP posts:
Original poster
wisteriashoe · 03/08/2012 21:44

I've had some text contact with him (he's at work). He's 'learnt his lesson', wants to come home... I've said I need to think.

I am very used to dealing with the children on my own due to his funny shift pattern. So far everything's ok.

OP posts:
MyinnergoddessisatLidl · 03/08/2012 21:52

I know counselling sounds exhausting, and it exposes your life to a stranger etc, but I'm testimony to coming out of the other side positively op, and if you want to give your marriage a chance you really have to do it.

It is actually quite a liberating experience to have someone and your DP listen to your view point, support it, and rationalise it.

Look at it as an investment in your future, and while he is in this position of being willing to do it please act. If you do nothing and amble along in the back of his mind he'll think you accept it by ignoring it.

It is an addiction, I knew drug users that maintained families and high powered jobs, they were still addicts with a problem.