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Original poster

DH's use of porn

110 replies

wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 16:55

Regular but NC for obvious reasons.

I have been married for 5 years. 2 preschool children.

I have to say I'd been OK with very vanilla porn and had even watched it with him. Sex life was normal - no terrible shocks in store, until I discovered websites he'd been looking at when I was pregnant with out first child.

Then last year he said he was 'addicted' and maybe should get help. I was just really angry as I felt he'd just dragged me into this sordid world. I took no part in it. We couldn't afford counselling or anything, and we just limped on. Now our sex life is pretty much dead.

I know he's still visiting these websites. I had a look yesterday whilst he was out. He does delete most of his browsing history. It's fucking disgusting. Look away if you're sensitive. It's 'anal fisting' Nothing like this has even been a suggestion he wants to do to me. That is the length and depth of the 'thing' that he's in to.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

I just don't know what to do. I can't really 'tell' him to stop - he has his own laptop/phone. Any strategies/suggestions most welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:
OlivesTorchStreak · 02/08/2012 19:34

I can understand you wanting to have a go at him, but it won't help. I know it isn't fair and you probably feel like ripping his face and other more sensitive bits off, but you should really try to sit down and talk to him about it and maybe investigate going to counselling together. I think part of the issue is that there isn't really anything wrong with what he is doing (there I have said it, hang me), it is what it is doing to you and your marriage that is the problem, so he really needs to understand what it is doing to you.

BTW before you all think I am soft on this, I fucking hate it. But there is no point just sitting here slagging him off and saying how disgusting it is. Trying to be helpful.

Original poster
wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 19:34

oh and he doesn't smoke/ do drugs. Rarely drinks. THIS is his only vice.

OP posts:
Original poster
wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 19:35

Thanks - i genuinely find this helpful.

I thought that Olives - he's not doing anything illegal. He's not paying for it. No-one else is involved. It doesn't impact on anyone else as other addictions might do.

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 02/08/2012 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OlivesTorchStreak · 02/08/2012 19:39

I think that is what really sucks about it Wisteria. How can you make someone stop doing something because you don't like it.

At least with drug addicts and alcoholics you have the reason that they are killing themselves with it to try to get them to stop.

This certainly ain't going to kill him...

Original poster
wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 19:39

He was looking for other jobs due to the problem with shifts. We're stuck with it for the time being mainly because of childcare and money.

I'm not being deliberately obtrusive. It's just things we have looked at but always end up back where we are.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 02/08/2012 19:40

Devastated - a marriage that is sexless (without the mutual agreement of both parties) and lacking in intimacy is not a good one. She has said that they have limped on since the first nasty discovery. Does this sound like a good marriage?

Olives - its up to OP, not you to decide what is a dealbreaker. For me porn is a dealbreaker but to others it might not be.

quietlysuggests · 02/08/2012 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 19:42

i don't think the addiction is actually up for debate really. He told me.

I can't think as to what the hell I should do about it now.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 02/08/2012 19:48

With porn addiction, he needs specialist help.

He has to want to stop though.

You need to talk to him without getting angry.

I disagree that porn addiction is not damaging to himself and others - the secrecy, lies, time and energy spent on porn all must have an impact on himself, his marriage and family life Sad

Also the fact that porn is skewing his view of women and sex must be messing his head up.

OlivesTorchStreak · 02/08/2012 19:53

Mad, of course it is up to the OP! I am simply giving her my view, hence the statement ' I don't think this is a deal breaker'.

Hopefully she won't also be saying 'Oh ok Mad thinks this is deal breaker, so I better leave the bastard'.

Give the woman some credit, for Gods sake.

Frankly don't really see how your 'you sound very passive' statement is very helpful.

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/08/2012 20:06

I said passive because of her post at 18:08.

She does not like it, he admits he is addicted but then she ignores the issue Sad

solidgoldbrass · 02/08/2012 20:08

BTW It is absolute bullshit that liking one type of porn leads directly on to liking more and more unacceptable things. ALl the studies done on the 'effects' of porn on people who look at it are extremely dubious, when they're not being misquoted and misunderstood by people who just hate porn and/or have a skewed and negative view of sexuality
People can get addicted to all sorts of things that are harmless to anyone else; there have, I believe, been genuine cases of addiction to Farmville and World of Warcraft (online games which most people either never play or play for a while and get bored with).

Basically your H has a sexual fantasy that you don't share and, for whatever reason, he's got stuck in a bit of a loop over it. It's possible that counselling could sort this out - or he may decide (as any addict may decide) that the addiction matters more than anything else, and he's not going to give up using the addictive substance.

Original poster
wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 20:08

I'm not ignoring it. I'm trying to work out what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 20:10

SGB - you're spot on with your last comment about being stuck in a loop.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 02/08/2012 20:13

He has admitted that he has a problem with it which is the first step to resolving the addiction. Now he needs help to understand what this is doing to you, how it makes YOU feel and just how exploitative the porn industry is. If he genuinely isn't a women hater then knowing the facts about the women who get exploited in porn might also help to convince him of the need to stop.

Also can you be sure that he isn't sending money on this addiction? Have you checked? A lot of vanilla is free but that is how they hook people in, incrementally and over time people start to spend money to get to view more extreme stuff. If he is spending money on this shit, the money would be better spent on counselling.

Original poster
wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 20:16

I am as sure as I can be about paying for it. I do all the finances. His wages come into our joint account. Even if he had a secret credit card He'd have no way off paying it off.

He isn't a woman hater.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 02/08/2012 20:31
  • ignored not ignores
Original poster
wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 20:32

OK fair enough. I didn't ignore it at the time. I got cross and tried not to think about it (!) but yes I didn't take up the offer of counselling or anything.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 02/08/2012 20:40

I am not saying he is a woman hater, in fact I think he is isn't, which is why he might be inclined to stop viewing it, if he knew about some of the exploitation in the porn industry.

Original poster
wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 20:46

I have been thinking loads about this, and here's my stream of consciousness...

It isn't a deal breaker. Yes it's disgusting, but not enough to ruin our marriage over. If I jack it all in now I'll regret it. We have come too far, and when the DCs start school we'll begin to get our life back again.

He is the most consistent person I have ever known - never lost his temper. Completely reliable. Apart from this, I do really trust him. We have weathered some tough times and he is a rock.

I'm going to tackle it again when I see him next. See what he wants to do and what we can agree on.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 02/08/2012 20:56

Bear in mind that in the case of an addiction just knowing that there are Bad Things attached to the addictive substance is no more effective than family members and friends pleading with you to give it up. People who are addicted to heroin and cocaine aren't going to stop because someone sits them down and tells them about the major social harm done by the drugs trade.

Original poster
wisteriashoe · 02/08/2012 20:58

TBF though, the reason he told me was so we could address it. It's not me dragging him to any counselling or anything.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 02/08/2012 21:12

Felicity is a channel four documentary about a single mum from the midlands who goes to the states to work in the porn industry. It is the story of what leads her into this work, her vulnerability and the abuse she finds in the industry. It is shocking but it is worthwhile watching. DP and I watched it and then chatted about the film, he doesn't watch porn and is now very anti!

Try to stay calm and focused on what you want the outcome to be, stay strong wisteria and be prepared for a long haul but if your DP wants a happy life with you and a sex life and really respects you, he can deal with his addiction. Admitting the problem is just the first step, so try to help him make the next, good luck.

hcdocu.blogspot.co.uk/ it's on a blog because it was made ten years ago now and has never been shown again on channel 4.

tuffinmop · 02/08/2012 21:27

Hi,
I am in a very similar position to you. My DH has also spent a lot of money on porn and had an online affair, but thats another very long story.

Anyway, like you he considers himself addicted, and has gone to counselling. Great step forward except I can not seem to move forward myself, my moods are up and down like a yoyo, I am a seething mass of resentment most of the time. Like you OP I resent the money being spent on counselling, his head gets straight whilst I struggle to cope with the fall out of his behaviour. I don't want sex, TBH i've gone right off him. I can't see it coming back either. I don't want it to be over but I am so so so angry at having this filth brought into our lives.
Sorry I am not more positive, just wanted to say you are not alone and you are not wrong to feel devastated by this. I am.