Confused about my life

[chrissy1984]

Hi all

I found this great site whilst "Googling".

I'm facing a struggle and have nobody to discuss this with and I'm not sure if I'm loosing the plot!

I've been married for 29 years. I'll try my best to summarise although it will be a long post!

My marriage hasn't been the happiest to be honest, I've done my best to make happiness within the marriage but it's all a bit one sided. I have always kept a spotless home, cooked beautiful home prepared meals, paid all the bills and generally run the home to the best of my abilities.

My husband is a "Jekyll and Hyde" character. He can be nice but most of the time he's grumpy, aggressive (none physically), silent/sulky and generally not much fun to be around. Within a year of our marriage, he took a job that allowed him to work abroad. He was home one weekend in four & I missed him terribly.

He never wanted children but agreed to keep me happy (I adore my children). As my children grew up and became more independent the emotional emptiness I felt grew and I decided to have a dog (as company and for me to love and be loved in return). Naturally, he didn't want the dog but accepted it (he's the type of person that "goes with the flow" - never makes decisions just accepts what comes his way). My involvement with dogs grew (I'd taken up exhibiting dogs as a hobby - my only hobby!) and several more joined the family.

I've worked hard to manage a home, a family, "husband time" and the dogs so that each are not unduly affected by the other although naturally some compromise has to be made for everyone.

My husband stopped working away from home about 15 years ago - he works locally and is well paid. I'm self-employed (work from home) and earn a comfortable living; I contribute the bulk of the finances to the family as I earn more, I still run the home 100% and am responsible for all our affairs & managing our lifestyle. All of my income goes into the family "pot" but only part of my husband?s income because he likes to spend money on himself.

When my husband stopped working away from home, things changed quite a bit. He became impotent (our only common bond was a good sex life!) and wouldn't seek help for a few years. Eventually he sought help but in the interim, he became overweight & unfit and although the impotence isn't a huge problem now he is too out of shape for any "physical" activity.

His grumpiness has increased over the last few years and we are at the point where we don't share a bedroom or any time alone because his mood/behaviour etc. makes me uncomfortable/on edge in his company. I feel as if I have to walk on eggshells all the time (if I upset him he's prone to taking his frustrations out on inanimate objects or the dogs). I can't really talk to him as he told me a few years ago I was boring so apart from simple conversations like "you have some post" etc. I don't initiate conversations and only reply to things he says to me. He chats to me about his day at work and I do my best to respond appropriately and sympathetically etc. but I don't feel at liberty to discuss my day (any good bits) or any difficulties I might have had.

I gave up exhibiting my dogs 5 years ago as the aggravation I received when I returned home took the pleasure out of having any "me" time. This of course means that I don't leave the home apart from grocery shopping etc. I still have the dogs though however I am now in the process of "retiring" them to new homes as and when the right home becomes available. This makes me sad but I realise that they are a major source of his discontent and so I must do what needs to be done.

We live away from family and my friends are not local so chatting to them is by phone only. I am very alone, isolated and feel on the verge of a breakdown. I'm a strong person and I'm very committed to my obligations so I'm holding myself together (just!).

Like most people, I guess I want some affection, some appreciation and the ability to be comfortable in my own home and above all I want a partner who I can confide in and turn to when I'm struggling or indeed if I want to share my thoughts with. I have none of this and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm scared to leave him simply because I've been married since I was 18 and haven't had a life on my own. I've tried to work at my marriage and keep the home together for the sake of my children (& made a good job of it I think!)

I'm afraid of change and at the same time, I'm wondering if I'm expecting too much out of life. I'm an educated and intelligent person and deep down I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and shouldn't expect to rely on someone else to provide that for me. Trouble is I don't know how to make my own happiness; I've built my life around being a good wife and mother and made happiness for myself that way. I love my husband but I don't like him and I don't think he likes me either but he's happy to be unhappy (too lazy to change) and I'm not!

We have one 19 year old daughter still living at home. When she leaves and there are no dogs, what will be left for me without the companionship of my dear daughter and my beloved dogs? Does anyone think my husband will be happier without the dogs and children (have me all to himself) and that in turn he'll be the husband I need?

Sorry for the long post but if anyone could help me understand my thoughts and emotions I'd be grateful as I feel on the brink of a life changing situation.

I haven't finished reading the whole post (but will do now) but one things jumped out at me...

"I'm scared to leave him simply because I've been married since I was 18 and haven't had a life on my own."

You have been living a life on your own! The only thing you have to lose right now is the fear and intimidation that you feel in this man's presence.

You can be financially independent, you have family whom I imagine know what kind of man your husband is as you have your own interests.

Go out and have a nice life without this man. Seriously.

You sound so sad Chrissy.

He brings nothing to your life. No affection, no support - emotionally or financially, no love.

You only have one life and you do not have to spend it with a grumpy man!

If it was me, easy to say, I would be leaving, getting a lovely 2 bedroomed flat for my dd and me, keeping my dogs and enjoying my life.

You are never to old to fulfill all your dreams and to meet someone new.

Go for it!

My short answer would be "leave". Life is too short to waste.

I appreciate that mightn't help you much. Have you any possibility of getting access to personal counselling - just for you, not marital counselling.

No. He won't be any nicer without your DD and dogs present. Your happiness isn't a priority for him, and it's not suddenly going to become one. He is a selfish bully. You will be a lot less lonely on your own. You could go back to exhibiting dogs again! And who knows, a couple of years down the line, after you've had a lovely time establishing your new life, your eyes might meet those of another dog exhibitor, and a whole new set of possibilities open up....

Even if that little fantasy doesn't happen, you'll be so much better off without that unpleasant bully you currently live with.

Bless you all xx

I'm finally having a cry, a cry that has been held inside for years and it's good to let it out.

You are right "ICouldBeYou", I have had a life on my own, it takes an impartial person to point out the obvious.

I will seek out some counselling, deep down I know I'm in a very depressed state of mind and reaching the bottom. Need to climb back up a bit but self-esteem is at an all time low at the moment which isn?t helped by isolation from life around me and the lack of a shoulder to cry on.

My worry about leaving is as much about the practicalities as the emotional side. Not easy to move house with dogs. I?m all set up here for a life with dogs (multiple dogs!!). This is why I?m slowly working through the process of placing all but the ?oldies? in new homes, much easier to start afresh in a ?regular? household with only 3 ? 4 dogs etc.

xx

Agree with others, your DH should, if he isn't interested in the same things as you (the dogs), at least respect your interest & understand that it makes you happy.

He doesn't seem to care about your happiness at all.

Wishing you well.

These are healing tears, Chrissy, a sign that the feelings you've put in deep freeze are starting to thaw.

I'm impressed at the pragmatic approach to the dogs! There is a better life waiting for you - you just have to grasp it.

Could you not buy him out?

Thank you SparkyTGD. I see where you are coming from, I truly do.

My dogs (in his eyes) are competition for my time and affection. He feels neglected I suspect. As I say, I work hard to balance out my life so that all involved (apart from me I guess) get a happy balance at home but it?s not enough.

The funny thing is that he?s not an animal hater, he begrudges the time I spend with them (they are well looked after!) as much as he begrudged the time I spent with my children when they were younger and more needy on a practical level. If you like, I filled the gap where needy children left with needy dogs!

He is selfish, I?ve known that all along and I?ve ?managed? this aspect of our relationship as best I can but I seem to have lost the will/desire to try and keep everybody happy as its clear that the more I try the more is expected (if that makes sense!) and I get nowhere.

I took dogs into my life as a ?therapy.? They gave me the unconditional love I craved, they filled my need to nurture and in return, I have loved them and have done my utmost to fulfil their needs. They gave me a life outside of the home, friends and a reason to press on with life. The trouble is they are part of the problem between us. The ?cure? for me turned into a ?problem? for him.

Thank you ?NicknameTaken? for the hanky and gentle pat on the back not to mention the wisdom of ?healing tears?.

MissFaversam, I don't think I could buy him out. We have a large and expensive home and with me being self-employed (despite good "books") it might be a challenge getting a mortgage for the amount required. If I had a regular job (PAYE) it might be easier.

I'm thinking about trying to get a PAYE job that will give me the income I earn for myself but that might be tricky in this part of the country. There is also the issue of the dogs. I work from home so I can care for the dogs too. If I take a job outside the home the dogs would be home alone which isn't something I'd consider.

"I want some affection, some appreciation and the ability to be comfortable in my own home and above all I want a partner who I can confide in and turn to when I'm struggling or indeed if I want to share my thoughts with. I have none of this and I don't know what to do about it."

I think I would start by telling him this. If not face to face then just pass it to him on a piece of paper.

"I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and shouldn't expect to rely on someone else to provide that for me"

Yeah but... he not only isn't providing your happiness, he's sucking all the happiness you have out of life. Your dogs may be a substitute for a loving relationship with a human being, but at least they genuinely are loving. Frankly, in this situation I don't understand why the husband comes before the dogs - they're so much nicer than he is.

When it's just you and him left together in a large empty house, no pets, rare visitors, do you really think he's suddenly going to start giving back all the love you've poured into that empty vessel over the years? Honestly? What are you going to do if/when he doesn't? Sit there and gradually get old with Miseryguts glaring at you across the dining table? I do believe you have more options than this.

"When it's just you and him left together in a large empty house, no pets, rare visitors, do you really think he's suddenly going to start giving back all the love you've poured into that empty vessel over the years? Honestly? What are you going to do if/when he doesn't? Sit there and gradually get old with Miseryguts glaring at you across the dining table?"

That is what if frightening me... I've suddenly lost the ?rose tinted? glasses and I?m starting to see what a bleak future lies ahead of me but wanted the opinions of others (unbiased, which of course my own perception is not) to help me understand if my thoughts were reasonable or irrational.

I think your future could be full of great things if you were no longer married to him, opposed to what I agree is likely to be a bleak one if you stay together.
I really feel for you, I was divorced after a long marriage and I understand the fears of staying, and also of leaving.
You sound like a lovely person, with a lot going for you. I think you'll be much happier, in time, out of this marriage.

You seem very unhappy and I was sorry to read your post.

The only question I would want to ask is - is your dog-keeping on a scale that other people might find excessive?

You mentioned scaling back to 3 - 4 dogs. How many do you have at the moment or have had in the past?

I am just trying to perceive things from your husband's point of view (not that he sounds like an appealing character from your post!), but trying to explore how this situation might have arisen. Is one of the reasons for the distance between you that you have a really large number of dogs and it is simply overwhelming for him in terms of the numbers, activity levels, noise, hair and the care that needs to be taken of them?

Someone I know had 6 dogs and 5 cats and I think they just began to overwhelm the house at that point.

A wise woman once said to me.. "when you reach a certain age you have more behind you than infront"

Do you really want the rest of your life to be filled with..

"I feel as if I have to walk on eggshells all the time (if I upset him he's prone to taking his frustrations out on inanimate objects or the dogs)"

You should make a new life for yourself without this heartless, cold fucker.

Oh Chrissy, apart from the dogs you could be my Mum, talking about her life with my Dad. She waited until she was in her mid-50s to leave him... and she's never looked back.

it takes courage, but what's the alternative? you are only 47 ... you have years and years ahead of you to enjoy life.

My Mum's favourite saying is "life is not a dress rehearsal"... maybe a cliche but it's TRUE.

She is now in a relationship with a lovely man, has taken up art and amateur dramatics, leads a full and happy life, with loads of new friends and people who adore her. I am very proud of her.

my Dad... he's a miserable bugger. I love him, but I don't like him all that much... however he too has found a sort of new lease of life. He's travelled a lot and I think has grown comfortable in his solitude.

?The only question I would want to ask is - is your dog-keeping on a scale that other people might find excessive??

In a nutshell, yes. However to put things into perspective one needs to remember that whilst I am a pet owner I was a dog show exhibitor (now retired!!) and I still remain a well respected judge and connected to the showing fraternity. Our set up is geared towards this activity rather than a more ?normal? family home where someone may have one or two pet dogs purely as companions. As an everyday person then I?d say we have more dogs than most families who are not involved in the world of dogs would have, however, as a dog person I?d say we have less dogs than most who engage in this activity.

We have a large home, plenty of space for the dogs (medium sized gundog breed) without the dogs being in your face (unless you want them to be!). Our house was designed to accommodate us and my dogs without the effect of us ?living in a dog kennel? with dogs.

?Is one of the reasons for the distance between you that you have a really large number of dogs and it is simply overwhelming for him in terms of the numbers, activity levels, noise, hair and the care that needs to be taken of them??

The answer to this is also yes although I?m not sure why that should be the case. To qualify the answer, it is me that cares for them and the bulk of the care is undertaken during working hours i.e. when he?s away from home.

Prior to him arriving home, I put the dogs to bed for 2 ? 3 hours ? they?ve been with me all day. They sleep in a ?dog room? which is basically another kitchen (not our family kitchen). It?s almost identical to our ?real? kitchen and has the same set up minus a cooker!

Whilst I prepare supper and whilst we eat they are in their room having their supper. When I?ve loaded the dishwasher and tidied up and he?s gone off to watch TV I then let them out onto the custom made all weather dog run for a wee and then take them into my study/sitting room to keep me company whilst he?s asleep in front of the TV in the family sitting room! Therefore, effectively he has a choice about where he spends his time at home and can opt for the dog free option!

We do live a relatively normal life; (holidays/meals out/cinema etc.) the dogs haven?t taken over our whole lives. The balance between a ?normal? life and a dog related life is as reasonable as it can be whilst trying to juggle life and be considerate of each facet that makes up my life. The dogs are important to me but not to him, therefore I go to great lengths to minimise the disruption to the status quo.

However, I can see that despite my best efforts to minimise the effect the dogs may have on his life, there is still an effect and this is the reason I feel the dogs have contributed to our problems and the reason why (with great care) I am making efforts to reduce the number to be in keeping with what most people would consider ?normal?.

The thing is, even supposing your "D"H was being distanced due to the dogs, well, he should have told you. I don't think you should fall into the trap of thinking if you could only read his mind and do things the way he wanted, then he'll suddenly start being Mr Wonderful. That way lies madness, and a wasted life of trying to please someone who refuses ever to be pleased.

Your OP implies that it's not so much the dogs per se but the attention you give them that he resents. I suspect were it any other hobby he would still grumble, because you should have only 2 states, ie serving him, or put away tidily in a cupboard like a well-behaved domestic appliance. However I could be doing him a disservice.

when I was reading this op I assumed you were in your mid 60s for some reason. At 47 are two years older than me! There is no way on earth I'd be willing to settle for such a bleak future - you're in the middle of life not approaching the end of a tunnel - lots of possibilities ahead!

woh, hang on a minute.

You seem to live your life through other people (and dogs!) and, from what you have said in your post, your heart is not in the marriage and hasn't been for some time (your will may be in the marriage - and you tick all the boxes and are exemplary in keeping everything together, but your heart isn't in the marriage). this could account for his moodiness? It is significant that he became impotent when he was finally at home ie it indicates a deep disquiet in him on some level about you/your sexual relationship/marriage.

It is very hard to gauge where things are at with you both from an internet account, particularly from only one side. I would suggest you consult a professional re counselling in the first instance - perhaps first on your own and then, if he is willing, couples counselling with him. The situation you are both in is longstanding and sounds like it has become entrenched over a long period of time. You will need some professional input to unpick it imo.

From what you have said, any number of things could be responsible for the miserable situation you are now in. It could be, eg, that he was playing away when he was working away (hence his impotence when that option was closed). It could be that you have been compelled to arrange any number of things to fill the gaping hole that is your marriage. Very hard to tell from an internet account which, as I said, is from one side.

eg it is hard to tell if you are getting rid of the dogs because they are a major source of his discontent or because you are so used to serving/living through other people and can't see an alternative to making sure everyone around you is perfectly happy - essentially at your expense . You don't seem to have thought twice that the dogs have been a major source of happiness and fulfillment for you (not to mention income) and yet you are currently dismantling that lifeline to suit your husband. Is that because he 'demands' it or because you are compelled to make other people perfectly happy?

counselling, soon as, OP. It will help you to unpick everything in a safe way. Dont have a major crisis and break down - breakdowns are horrible, not recommended! I'm not being entirely flippant here: a counsellor will help you make sense of things. 6 weeks won't necessarily do it (though it may get your started enough to make a decision about your future?). Get in touch with/google BACP to see therapists in your area you can choose from. Find out what they do, give some of them a call to see if you'd get on, narrow down your list. INitial half hour often free.

Go girl. You are clearly a very competent person but, like so many of us, very bad at looking after our emotional wellbeing.

NicknameTaken ?? distanced due to the dogs, well, he should have told you?

No, he?s not told me this but the dogs do get blamed for everything that is wrong life, so in fashion I guess he has told me but not in so many words. Mind you that might simply be because he knows which "buttons to press".

As others have said, if its not the dogs it would be the children (they are grown up but seem to provide more room for worry as grown up's than they do as little ones!!) or if it isn?t the children/dogs it would be something else. No pleasing some people, either your ?glass is half full? or its ?half empty?, all depends on your outlook!

I am youngish I guess but I do feel as if I should be entering a stage of my life where life gets easier i.e. absence of money worries, nice home, reared and healthy/happy children etc. A time to enjoy the company of a loved one, instead I?m facing an even more lonely future if I don?t sort my life out one way or another.

you only need three years accounts if you are self employed to support a mortgage application - no harm in asking the mortgage lenders but ask as many as you can as some of them just don't want to lend at the moment. I tried two - don't want to name them here the first one said his employer (bank xxx) is the tightest lender why don't you try bank yyy.

btw I'm not suggesting any of my suggestions (above) are true or even close to the mark - Im just pointing out that any number of reasons may be behind the very unhappy situation you are in.