Confused about my life

[chrissy1984]

Hi all

I found this great site whilst "Googling".

I'm facing a struggle and have nobody to discuss this with and I'm not sure if I'm loosing the plot!

I've been married for 29 years. I'll try my best to summarise although it will be a long post!

My marriage hasn't been the happiest to be honest, I've done my best to make happiness within the marriage but it's all a bit one sided. I have always kept a spotless home, cooked beautiful home prepared meals, paid all the bills and generally run the home to the best of my abilities.

My husband is a "Jekyll and Hyde" character. He can be nice but most of the time he's grumpy, aggressive (none physically), silent/sulky and generally not much fun to be around. Within a year of our marriage, he took a job that allowed him to work abroad. He was home one weekend in four & I missed him terribly.

He never wanted children but agreed to keep me happy (I adore my children). As my children grew up and became more independent the emotional emptiness I felt grew and I decided to have a dog (as company and for me to love and be loved in return). Naturally, he didn't want the dog but accepted it (he's the type of person that "goes with the flow" - never makes decisions just accepts what comes his way). My involvement with dogs grew (I'd taken up exhibiting dogs as a hobby - my only hobby!) and several more joined the family.

I've worked hard to manage a home, a family, "husband time" and the dogs so that each are not unduly affected by the other although naturally some compromise has to be made for everyone.

My husband stopped working away from home about 15 years ago - he works locally and is well paid. I'm self-employed (work from home) and earn a comfortable living; I contribute the bulk of the finances to the family as I earn more, I still run the home 100% and am responsible for all our affairs & managing our lifestyle. All of my income goes into the family "pot" but only part of my husband?s income because he likes to spend money on himself.

When my husband stopped working away from home, things changed quite a bit. He became impotent (our only common bond was a good sex life!) and wouldn't seek help for a few years. Eventually he sought help but in the interim, he became overweight & unfit and although the impotence isn't a huge problem now he is too out of shape for any "physical" activity.

His grumpiness has increased over the last few years and we are at the point where we don't share a bedroom or any time alone because his mood/behaviour etc. makes me uncomfortable/on edge in his company. I feel as if I have to walk on eggshells all the time (if I upset him he's prone to taking his frustrations out on inanimate objects or the dogs). I can't really talk to him as he told me a few years ago I was boring so apart from simple conversations like "you have some post" etc. I don't initiate conversations and only reply to things he says to me. He chats to me about his day at work and I do my best to respond appropriately and sympathetically etc. but I don't feel at liberty to discuss my day (any good bits) or any difficulties I might have had.

I gave up exhibiting my dogs 5 years ago as the aggravation I received when I returned home took the pleasure out of having any "me" time. This of course means that I don't leave the home apart from grocery shopping etc. I still have the dogs though however I am now in the process of "retiring" them to new homes as and when the right home becomes available. This makes me sad but I realise that they are a major source of his discontent and so I must do what needs to be done.

We live away from family and my friends are not local so chatting to them is by phone only. I am very alone, isolated and feel on the verge of a breakdown. I'm a strong person and I'm very committed to my obligations so I'm holding myself together (just!).

Like most people, I guess I want some affection, some appreciation and the ability to be comfortable in my own home and above all I want a partner who I can confide in and turn to when I'm struggling or indeed if I want to share my thoughts with. I have none of this and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm scared to leave him simply because I've been married since I was 18 and haven't had a life on my own. I've tried to work at my marriage and keep the home together for the sake of my children (& made a good job of it I think!)

I'm afraid of change and at the same time, I'm wondering if I'm expecting too much out of life. I'm an educated and intelligent person and deep down I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and shouldn't expect to rely on someone else to provide that for me. Trouble is I don't know how to make my own happiness; I've built my life around being a good wife and mother and made happiness for myself that way. I love my husband but I don't like him and I don't think he likes me either but he's happy to be unhappy (too lazy to change) and I'm not!

We have one 19 year old daughter still living at home. When she leaves and there are no dogs, what will be left for me without the companionship of my dear daughter and my beloved dogs? Does anyone think my husband will be happier without the dogs and children (have me all to himself) and that in turn he'll be the husband I need?

Sorry for the long post but if anyone could help me understand my thoughts and emotions I'd be grateful as I feel on the brink of a life changing situation.

Agree 100% elastamum! Also I am planning to start again alone with horses and dogs and now I am in the right mindset, I feel really positive about it! The OP needs to start thinking about her own happiness for once.

Chrissy i've only just found your posting. I can feel your loneliness and sadness - you are running around trying to please everyone and getting nothing back -it seems like you'll never be able to please them esp your dh.
i was in a marriage similar in some ways to yours and i know how lonely you can be in a marriage - i used to look in peoples windows at xmas and weekends and be envious of their happy family life and feel sad that i wasn't having one too .
i have dogs and they're my life - they give you so much love back and its unconditional - i love all the caring for them and them being dependent on me - ok maybe some people might think i'm a saddo but i didn't have children (dh's fault) and they are my substitute - its better than me being bitter w/o children.
I'm re-married now i decided i'd rather be on my own and happy than in a marriage that i didn't feel loved or happy in - i took a chance - life is too short- and 6 years on i met someone else - he loves me and he loves the dogs and he's got grown up children who are now my step children and i've got g/children now.
you've been given some great advice and support on here. I'm probably not much help to you and i'm not offering you practical advice as i need to read this thread more and think about it more - i'm rushing off to see my mum 50 miles away today. Keep coming on m'net its great for friendship and support and you won't feel so alone.
life can change and get better

Springydaffs, I?m going to talk to him again (haven?t spoken to him about us for a long, long time) because I am methodical, I like to get everything straight in my mind. I?m not a reckless type person, I take my commitments seriously. If I?m going to alter course then I like to explore all options. I make decisions quickly but I research beforehand rather than leap forward into the unknown.

I?m not expecting an ?I?ll change? type conversation, words are easy to say. However if that is how the conversation goes then so be it. It won?t necessarily mean anything will it!

I will have many things to sort out and therefore if there can be an easier way of living together whilst I sort out my head and the practicalities then that is surely better for all concerned. I can?t take much more of the strain, anything I can do to calm the waters is better for me in the short term.

He has it cushy; he doesn?t necessarily know that though. We are both feeling ?hard done by.? He?s still my partner and I still love him (why I don?t know!) but I do. I don?t like him very much but we are parents to our children and we?ve shared 29 years together. If I?m going to dismantle that then at least he deserves to be aware of the issues.

I will share something else with you to give you more insight. He was married before he married me. A ?shotgun? wedding when he was 20 years old. After a couple of years of marriage one day, he went to work in the morning and came home to a house in darkness. Upon entering the house it had been gutted, nothing, totally empty. His wife had taken their daughter and every possession they owned and had left him for his best friend. He?d barley driven up the road as the removal van drove down to empty the house.

I?m not going to go into the ins and outs about why this happened other than he married his first wife under pressure because he?d made her pregnant and it was the ?right? thing to do in that day and age. Naturally I know he?s hard to live with and I?m not judging his first wife?s decision ? she had her reasons but I don?t know whether they were all his fault or simply the circumstances, all I can see is that it was a less than ideal start to married life for both of them.

He?s not a violent man where a ?moonlight flit? might be the only option. If we part, he will know about it, therefore we need to be adults about this.

MadBustLady, I share your thoughts. Perhaps it?s cynical of me or just insight, I don?t know. I will listen very carefully to his choice of words and watch is body language very closely!

All I can say,is don't give away your dogs,that you love so much ,they are your main source of receiving love.

Flatbellyfella and everyone else, please take comfort (as I do myself) in the fact that I have no intention in parting with ALL my doggies. I have too many doggies for a ?normal? two up two down household!

I?m set up here for my dog lifestyle; I won?t be able to afford to replicate that solo so I have to reduce numbers to fit a change in circumstances.

I love all my dogs, parting with any of them isn?t something I want to do or something I take lightly, however as I say I have a duty of care to my dogs and must provide them with an appropriate home.

This home, my home is more than appropriate, a new home won?t be so a compromise has to be made. Therefore, the youngsters that can and will settle easily into carefully vetted new homes will need to leave me and I?ll keep my ?oldies?.

Best wishes

Lifeistooshorttodrinkcheapwine (love the name!!!) Thanks for your comments (and everyone else too).

It is comforting to share your experiences, not good for you at the time, but your doggies gave you what mine give me. There is something special about dogs (if of course you are ?into? dogs ? probably just a bl*y nuisance if you?re not!!)

I?m so pleased that you stepped away and made your life happy, you deserved that and you?ve achieved it ? well done.

I have indeed been given some great advice and support on here and I can tell you all that I?m in a much better frame of mind as a result. Sharing my woes doesn?t come naturally to me and therefore until now I?ve denied myself the freedom to seek and receive support.

.. so you don't want to do it suddenly, either.

ok, fair enough. I wonder how his sad past has had an effect on your marriage tbh? In the course of your therapy meanderings you may come across something called codependency: saving the lost or broken, living through them. Actually, they don't have to be lost, just needing you and your love. That's pretty straightforward with eg dogs but not so straightforward with humans.

anyways, most of us who have ended up in abusive/controlling/dominating relationships have an element of codependency about us (comes from our troubled childhoods). btw those words - abusive, controlling, dominating - may not feel like your husband, you may not recognise them. My husband was the 'sweetest' man alive... but under the surface he was all of those, just that nobody could see it; and it certainly took me a while to see it. It wasn't obvious and flagged up like eastenders.

Maybe in your therapy journey you will explore how you may have contributed to the end result eg hand on heart, did you give to get? Not entirely, of course, but it can seem the civilised thing to do: to be selfless and hope for a return of some kind. I say that because you are again 'giving' ie giving up your dogs etc in the hope of 'getting' a fulfilling marriage. But some people take and take and have no intention of giving - you must have noticed that no matter what you do or give, it isn't enough for him. Some people with a sad past can feel life owes them.

No matter, a lot of women, esp us older ones, have been steeped in giving up everything for our husbands/children etc. It doesn't really work

Oh springydaffs you do indeed have such great insight!

I?m sure his sad past has a great deal to do with our current situation. As I said in an earlier post, ?I know my strengths & weaknesses.? I do choose ?lame ducks,? (co-dependency at its best) is that a strength or weakness, both I suspect!

I have a giving nature, which is not solely altruistic. I gain pleasure out of giving; equally, I hope my giving gives pleasure.

My husband does not display the obvious signs of abuse/controlling/dominance (in a readily recognisable form), however I am aware that is exactly what he is.

My childhood (like most of us I suspect) has shaped me in a certain way. I had a passive aggressive mother (not that I knew the terminology as a child) and I have a passive aggressive husband who knows exactly how to manipulate me. The strange thing is that I know I?m being manipulated and when I?m not in ?doormat? mode, I do deflect the manipulation. However sometimes (like of late) I run out of the strength of character to bother!

I?ve had a life of having to earn affection, it?s all I know. Equally as an intelligent person I also acknowledge that it does take two, and I have moulded and shaped my husband also (to some extent). He is the cause of my unhappiness but I?m also the cause of his unhappiness.

My husband does behave as a person would who believes life owes him something which is why he?s content (as content as he?ll ever be) to let me ?steer the boat.? Easy isn?t it! No decisions to make, no responsibilities, just sit back and take what?s on offer then moan about it (I?m not expecting gratitude by the way, just tranquillity!)

The therapy will indeed help me explore myself further, if and when I get a grip on that it should is suspect help in all areas of my life.

aw, I was just about to post to say I'd therapised you a bit - not my job! But you seem to have taken it in good heart!

just one thing: why don't you expect gratitude?? I do!

i make everyone say mmmmm when I serve up food. not doing all that work for no reward

"aw, I was just about to post to say I'd therapised you a bit - not my job! But you seem to have taken it in good heart!"

I recognised you had therapised me a bit!!!! You are quite competent (compliment!)

I don't expect gratitude (& certainly don?t mean to cause offence by implying there is anything wrong with that) but I take self pleasure in a job well done and that is all the reward I need. I do however crave tranquillity because I seem able to reward myself in many ways but am unable to provide my own tranquillity so it?s the one thing that I need to take from external sources rather than internal. The therapy might be the key to that piece of the missing jigsaw?

Hi Chrissy,

How do the "children" get on with their father? Would it surprise them if you decided on a split? Is he a good father or does he compete with them for your attention?

I hope you find the strength and courage to do the thing that is right for you (only you know what that is).

x

Hi daddyorchipsdaddyorchips

My children love their father very much. They can see his shortcomings though and there are a few ?raised eyebrows? from them from time to time. I believe that the three of them have spoken (individually) to him on occasion about his behaviour in defence of me.

When they were young he was absent from home (working away) so their strongest bond was with me. Naturally, they were delighted when he was at home and I have to confess that he did indeed feel they were in competition for my affections (as he does now with my dogs). I managed that reasonably effectively in the sense that I made adult time.

I was a fairly traditional mother, playtimes, meal times, bath times and bedtimes etc. The children and I always tidied up the house (toys) before he came home, tea was ready, and then it was bath, story, and bed so my husband and I had our evening together.

I work hard to present a united front for the children. Even though our children are adults, I feel they don?t need to see their parents in conflict. Our youngest daughter (19) is upset that I?ve moved out of master bedroom and keeps pleading for me to go back as I assume she sees that as a chasm between us. She will be deeply hurt if we separate and yes, it will be a shock for all of them if we go our separate ways because they see us as their Mum and Dad and want it to remain that way in the family home.

If we split, I think the 19 year old would probably choose to live with her dad simply because he?s a very ?soft touch? where the kids are concerned. He has always given into their demands simply to avoid the aggravation of having to stand up and set/enforce the necessary boundaries.

I have always set the boundaries of good manners and acceptable behaviour and have held fast against the tantrums that result. If I said ?no sweets,? I meant no sweets! My husband would say ?no sweets,? there would be a ?paddy? and then he?d give them the sweets! None of this applies now of course as they are adults but the younger one can still inveigle generous cash handouts from her dad despite being a working girl and earning a descent enough income! If she wants money from me she gets it but it?s a loan or a trade off for some help with the dogs, it?s not 100% without strings!

Thank you for your wishes of strength and courage.

In many ways it's harder for adult children, as they don't have the opportunity to build up any more happy childhood memories. My dcs and their cousins have all had to deal with this in late teens / early 20s and it does lead to questions about "were we really happy when we thought we were, or was it all an illusion?". Some of them have been very angry with the parent they perceived to be the one causing the break up and broken off contact.

What's interesting is how common it is - all of a sudden parents thinking, "this is it, I might live another 30-40 yrs and it might be with this person ". That's what my exH did - and he left. I'm actually grateful he did, now, as my life is so much happier. What has been problematic for all the kids of the families concerned (3 in one year!) was not the break up but the lying. All of the parents who went had other people waiting in the wings.

I don't think you should get rid of the dogs either, but I do see the benefits of rehoming some of the younger ones. I do think that if you do this, if you leave him, or cause him to go, then you need to be totally honest with your DCs. They will get over it as long as you don't lie to them.

Thank you Catsrus.

I will be honest with my children. I have quite an open relationship with my children; there have never been any subjects off limits. We have and continue to work hard to provide a stable and loving home/relationship for our children (even though they are adults!)

Naturally our private discord is private but we don?t and won?t lie to them about anything.

There are no third parties waiting in the wings. If we do go our separate ways we will still be a family. Speaking personally, I will do my utmost to remain amicable with my husband. I love him as I?ve already said; it?s just a question of whether I can live with him for the rest of my life.

I?m sorry to hear you found yourself in what must have been a traumatic experience but I?m gladdened to hear that you have ultimately benefited.

It is difficult for adult children when you split - as catsrus says, they can have a tendency to blame the person who left, particularly if there is no-one 'waiting in the wings' - they think (and mine have said), "why don't you two grow up?". It's difficult to tread the line when you can't say exactly why you left eg, in my situation, he was controlling extraordinaire . I couldn't tell them that, not really - though I tried to but they wouldn't hear it. Their adored dad and all that.... [pfft]. He certainly was adorably charming to everybody else !

Particularly if you have established a culture where you take all the flack to maintain the smooth-running of the family, they wonder why you can't continue to do that; are incandescent that you should put your own happiness first when the cost to them is so high.

So brace yourself for that Chrissy, should it come to that. They genuinely can't see that your needs are important if you have historically subsumed your needs into the family in order to keep the peace (their peace, everybody's peace - except yours). On the other hand it's a 'good' way to undo some of the conditioning they've had re us being the perpetual fall guy, which was and is not healthy for their future relationships re the mother takes all the shit and keeps quiet so that everyone is happy (except martyr mother, of course - if she wakes up....).

Do you love him?

Sorry, just saw your earlier post. It sounds a bit like he has had depression for years - has this ever been discussed?

Thanks springydaffs!

I've thought about him being depressed and tried to discuss it with him several times over the past few years. He didn't think that was an issue & didn't really want to think about it, he does display the symptoms though IMHO.

Any long story short I've issued the ultimatum that he must go the GP for a chat. He's made the appt. for next Thursday so perhaps at last he's willing to take some action. Maybe it will help.

big deal if he's depressed - so is half the world. But we do something about it, not make someone else pay.

I'm not saying BECAUSE he has depression she must stay with him, but rather, to consider whether she wants to if he is depressed and he tries to tackle it, or indeed if he doesn't. Anti-depressants work well for some people.