Confused about my life

[chrissy1984]

Hi all

I found this great site whilst "Googling".

I'm facing a struggle and have nobody to discuss this with and I'm not sure if I'm loosing the plot!

I've been married for 29 years. I'll try my best to summarise although it will be a long post!

My marriage hasn't been the happiest to be honest, I've done my best to make happiness within the marriage but it's all a bit one sided. I have always kept a spotless home, cooked beautiful home prepared meals, paid all the bills and generally run the home to the best of my abilities.

My husband is a "Jekyll and Hyde" character. He can be nice but most of the time he's grumpy, aggressive (none physically), silent/sulky and generally not much fun to be around. Within a year of our marriage, he took a job that allowed him to work abroad. He was home one weekend in four & I missed him terribly.

He never wanted children but agreed to keep me happy (I adore my children). As my children grew up and became more independent the emotional emptiness I felt grew and I decided to have a dog (as company and for me to love and be loved in return). Naturally, he didn't want the dog but accepted it (he's the type of person that "goes with the flow" - never makes decisions just accepts what comes his way). My involvement with dogs grew (I'd taken up exhibiting dogs as a hobby - my only hobby!) and several more joined the family.

I've worked hard to manage a home, a family, "husband time" and the dogs so that each are not unduly affected by the other although naturally some compromise has to be made for everyone.

My husband stopped working away from home about 15 years ago - he works locally and is well paid. I'm self-employed (work from home) and earn a comfortable living; I contribute the bulk of the finances to the family as I earn more, I still run the home 100% and am responsible for all our affairs & managing our lifestyle. All of my income goes into the family "pot" but only part of my husband?s income because he likes to spend money on himself.

When my husband stopped working away from home, things changed quite a bit. He became impotent (our only common bond was a good sex life!) and wouldn't seek help for a few years. Eventually he sought help but in the interim, he became overweight & unfit and although the impotence isn't a huge problem now he is too out of shape for any "physical" activity.

His grumpiness has increased over the last few years and we are at the point where we don't share a bedroom or any time alone because his mood/behaviour etc. makes me uncomfortable/on edge in his company. I feel as if I have to walk on eggshells all the time (if I upset him he's prone to taking his frustrations out on inanimate objects or the dogs). I can't really talk to him as he told me a few years ago I was boring so apart from simple conversations like "you have some post" etc. I don't initiate conversations and only reply to things he says to me. He chats to me about his day at work and I do my best to respond appropriately and sympathetically etc. but I don't feel at liberty to discuss my day (any good bits) or any difficulties I might have had.

I gave up exhibiting my dogs 5 years ago as the aggravation I received when I returned home took the pleasure out of having any "me" time. This of course means that I don't leave the home apart from grocery shopping etc. I still have the dogs though however I am now in the process of "retiring" them to new homes as and when the right home becomes available. This makes me sad but I realise that they are a major source of his discontent and so I must do what needs to be done.

We live away from family and my friends are not local so chatting to them is by phone only. I am very alone, isolated and feel on the verge of a breakdown. I'm a strong person and I'm very committed to my obligations so I'm holding myself together (just!).

Like most people, I guess I want some affection, some appreciation and the ability to be comfortable in my own home and above all I want a partner who I can confide in and turn to when I'm struggling or indeed if I want to share my thoughts with. I have none of this and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm scared to leave him simply because I've been married since I was 18 and haven't had a life on my own. I've tried to work at my marriage and keep the home together for the sake of my children (& made a good job of it I think!)

I'm afraid of change and at the same time, I'm wondering if I'm expecting too much out of life. I'm an educated and intelligent person and deep down I know that I am responsible for my own happiness and shouldn't expect to rely on someone else to provide that for me. Trouble is I don't know how to make my own happiness; I've built my life around being a good wife and mother and made happiness for myself that way. I love my husband but I don't like him and I don't think he likes me either but he's happy to be unhappy (too lazy to change) and I'm not!

We have one 19 year old daughter still living at home. When she leaves and there are no dogs, what will be left for me without the companionship of my dear daughter and my beloved dogs? Does anyone think my husband will be happier without the dogs and children (have me all to himself) and that in turn he'll be the husband I need?

Sorry for the long post but if anyone could help me understand my thoughts and emotions I'd be grateful as I feel on the brink of a life changing situation.

an independent broker might well be able to help with mortgage, as sgw says it's perfectly possible to get one if you are self employed
as for what stage of life you 'should' be at we couldn't have more divergent views! I am single with young dc, bit skint but have just retrained and in my head (if not the mirror) it's all just beginning!

If he agreed to children and a dog to keep you happy it's obviously not all one sided. Maybe you needed also to see his side.

?Springydaffs? you aren?t far off in many of your assumptions. I have had an upbringing that was less than ideal in an emotional sense (lovely father but absent most of the time due to work & a disinterested passive aggressive alcohol dependent mother). Pleasing people for affection was something I learned. I?ve never felt able to be accepted for myself i.e. ?warts and all?.

My heart isn?t in the marriage now, it was, but there is only so much you can take before you have to put up a shield to keep out the pain. A shield doesn?t stop all the pain but it helps. I?d like my heart back in the marriage!

I?m not sure why the impotence started, he could have been ?playing away from home?, I don?t know the answer to that. From living with him I tend to think (could be wrong) that he wanted the best of both worlds. When working away from home he was with a bunch of chaps, he socialised, went drinking and travelled the world. When he came home, he had the ?family routine.? I think he liked having the wife and kids bit but also needed the ?bachelor? part of his life. He is emotionally immature.

Equally, he was a very fit person and a very senior martial arts instructor/practitioner. This fell by the wayside due to the working away from home and I?m not sure if the physical fitness part fading added to the problem i.e. this issue was a physical rather than psychological/emotional issue.

Our sexual relationship was very good; we were very compatible in that area.

There is an issue with my husband and that is he feels trapped (my interpretation). He appears to want the comfy lifestyle, he wants the doting wife, he wants feeding and to be looked after but he?s trapped by the by-products of all that goes with the good bits.

The dogs have been my hobby, I haven?t earned a penny from them, they cost more to own than they ever could recoup by having the odd litter and of course there isn?t any prize money by winning well at shows. I earn my living as a web designer/developer. I?m reluctantly trying to reduce the numbers as rightly or wrongly, I?m seeking to identify and rectify areas of conflict. Yes, I?m also dismantling my life because I?m programmed to respond that way and equally if I have to go it alone I can?t see that I can give them a suitable life in a new home.

I?ve asked many times over the years if we could have counselling, it?s not his ?cup of tea?. We did (after much persuasion on my part) go to one Relate session many years ago but he wouldn?t speak at all, just sat and looked like he?d been dragged screaming and kicking to the session and left the session in a rage within a few minutes of it starting.

He is a person who appears content when consulted about something until the point of doing it then the situation changes and all the aggravation of doing what ever it might be is dragged to the forefront. Spoiled brat behaviour if you know what I mean.

I am rubbish at looking after my own emotional wellbeing, again that?s ingrained from childhood. I will seek counselling, as I believe I need to do something as I can see my mindset deteriorating.

Lisaro - ?If he agreed to children and a dog to keep you happy it's obviously not all one sided. Maybe you needed also to see his side.?

He didn?t agree, he didn?t disagree! There is obviously a difference. As I say earlier, he ?goes with the flow.?

I would never force anything on him deliberately/intentionally but if you ask and you get a ?I don?t mind? answer and despite pushing for a more defined answer/civilised discussion but none is forthcoming but then when the deed is done (whatever that deed may be) you are penalised for doing it that?s the troublesome part.

I do try to see his side of things, believe me I have always tried to consider his feelings. I devote my life to considering others needs before my own, obviously I'm not as good at it as perhaps I thought...

Please leave him and keep your dogs, I don't think this man will ever be happy.
You can live by yourself it sounds like that's what you've been doing since 18, you deserve all the happiness, good times, laughs and most of all friendship.
It is out there for you - go find it!
Oh and a big hug too

Don't get rid of your dogs. Your dh is not d at all and it's questionable as to whether he should be h.

You will be left with nothing if your dogs go. He will still sleep in front of the tv, he will still tell you you're boring (you're not) and you will still be lonely and unfulfilled by your relationship.

You try to consider his feelings and see his side of things. Meanwhile, he just doesn't care.

You pay the bulk of everything and he hangs on to money because he likes to spend it on himself.

You will be so much happier when he's gone. You can invite your friends to come and play with your dogs - they could stay for weeks if they wanted to! You could spend more time socializing with dog people you meet in the course of judging etc. There are so many things you can do when you actually are alone, instead of being alone but held back because you're with a grumpy old git who thinks only of himself.

oh dear oh dear - it looks like you're in an abusive relationship OP

so along you come, primed and trained to see to everyone's needs... and he can't believe his luck. To keep you on your toes, to keep it just how he likes it (all his way), he doesn't give you what you crave and are calling out for: validation and love. He thinks you may relax if he gives you that, and you'll stop serving him like a master.

I am horrified that you are giving up exactly what makes you tick - not just the dogs, which don't bring you an income but bring you joy and satisfaction, but also the successful means of your actual income - in which you earn more than him. My dear, if you are dependent on him financially you won't be able to contemplate the misery of that. It is no wonder your heart is giving you gyp - you are single-handedly signing your death warrant.

Please, save your life. Don't give it up piece by piece - take what you have and run like the wind.

Easy for me to say... actually, it is easy for me to say in one sense because I did it. Do have a look at the Womens Aid website - you will recognise a lot there and will also be able to start working on a plan to save your life. It is better you don't tell him as he could well get nasty.

There are plenty of us about Chrissy - who have had damaging childhoods and gone on to choose damaging relationships. You have an awful lot going for you - please, start learning to invest in your own life instead of others' and, more especially, his. You've poured a lot of hard work down the drain - you will never satisfy him because he has no intention of letting you off the hook.

give this a try. I'm guessing King of the Castle (at least). YOu may find it eye-opening. It's been a lifesaver for me.

You sound very lovely

hear hear

Thank you all once again for your comments, all duly noted and absorbed. Thank you also for the support and comfort.

I am in a pickle, I can see that clearly. I am frightened to start afresh on my own because it is fear of the unknown. It is also going very much against the grain for me. I do want to be happy but I want to be happy in my marriage, however I realise that it takes two and one of us isn?t aware or doesn?t care that things are rocky.

I think I need to be part of a unit, goodness knows why but I can?t help thinking that way!

I have been good at hiding my feelings, staying quiet, to speak out brings more aggravation, and I?m definitely not equipped to ?rock the boat? as I know the consequences are worse than staying quiet.

I?m a funny old stick, in anything but my personal life I will hold my own without the bat of an eyelid but where my weakness lies is that conflict within the family makes me subdued, meek and passive. I don?t ?fight my corner?, I go into ?doormat? mode at the drop of a hat.

Hesterton you were so brave to start your life afresh. I?m glad it has worked out for you, I?m sure that if I take the plunge it will work out for me too as I?m conscientious and I?ll make an independent life for myself if I have to. It?s just plucking up the courage to do it and being sure in my own mind that I?m doing the right thing!

As I say I live with a ?Jekyll and Hyde? character. He has an interlude where he?s OK and that gives me hope. All of a sudden, he reverts to Mr Grumpy and becomes bad tempered, irascible and sulky/sullen. That?s when the treading on eggshells part really comes into its own. When he?s in that zone, he?s prone to outbursts and it?s those that I find hard to deal with as he is unpredictable.

I?ve taken the first steps by speaking out to all you lovely people. I?ve not been able to discuss any of this with my family/friends. The next step will be the counselling and with that underway I may be able to clear my head enough (it?s too full of sadness at the moment) to reflect on my future with or without my husband.

I do understand myself (strangely enough!) I know what makes me tick; I know my strengths and weaknesses too! I have had years to self-analyse myself!! I just need to settle myself down a bit (with the help of counselling) so that I can be rational; things are too raw for rational behaviour at the moment. Whatever I do will have consequences for us all as a family and I need to try and be sensible.

I have been in a similar boat and it felt great when I made the decision that enough was enough and we were splitting up. The relief was amazing. I am keeping my dogs too :-) The dogs were always the issue but they weren't really, it was just something to moan about. There was always something. I agree it sounds abusive; the walking on eggshells and rages is classical abuse, he shouldn't treat you like that. Take it from someone who has been there, I bet you anything you will be 200% happier just you and the dogs!

What loving husband whose wife tells him she isn't happy responds in such a way that the consequences are worse than her being unhappy?

Truth is, a loving husband would be concerned and would want to know what is at the root of her unhappiness and determined to change things to make her happy.

Rather like you giving up your much-loved dogs in an attempt to make him happy. What do you think he would do to make you happy? Maybe dinner? A play? Staying awake for an evening? Not telling you that you're boring? What crumb would you settle for?

You're so sensible not to make any major decisions right now, but to wait and see what counselling might do for you. Please also hold off any decisions about the dogs, too.

I am frightened to start afresh on my own because it is fear of the unknown.

That's fine, and understandable. But the great thing is you don't have to do it all in one go. You're not going to wake up tomorrow having to make all the decisions about dogs, earnings, house etc. All you have to do right now is start to contemplate what it might be like (it'll certainly include difficulties). It might be a week before you take the next step of calling a counsellor. That's ok. You'll get there.

Have to say you sound pretty decided to me though, and perceptive. Usually people are on this board saying "Should I leave him? Ok, my life is miserable, our marriage is a sham and he's a bastard, but it's not all bad!". You sound like you're under no illusions.

Good luck

ah, fear of the unknown.

I tell you, once you break through you will SURPRISED BY JOY

Dear OP, your post is very moving and honest. I'm afraid you are the only one who can make the decision about leaving your husband or not. Trust your instict.

I'm sorry I can't advice but will recommend a book that will help you look into yourself, your life and your psychological make up and will help to make these difficult decisions.

Please, please read "Women who run with the Wolves" by Clarissa Estes. Please don't be put off my the new agey sounding title. It's a very deep and wise psychology work by someone who is been working in counselling women for many years.

It helped me make decisions about breaking very unhealthy relations in my life, especially friendships and family.

It's changed the way I look at myself and how to set the boundaries with "predatory" behaviour and attititudes.

I hope this helps. All the best.

Thanks everyone.

I?m going to try to talk to my husband. We got to the point of talking late last night but were interrupted by our grown up son and the ?moment? was lost.

We should be talking about this but it?s been difficult because the moment is never right and the underlying animosity (not quite the right word but can?t think of a better one) makes my husband avoid the possibility of discussion.

However, the trigger last night was that he came and joined me in my sitting room (he never does that) and was looking pensive/watery eyed.

I moved out of our bedroom months ago but didn?t take my clothes etc. Yesterday I moved all my clothes/possessions into the bedroom I use. I think he then realised more about things than he?d been willing to acknowledge. This is what triggered his sadness. We started to discuss the fact that my moving out of our bedroom was permanent but got no further than an opening sentence before we were disturbed.

I am going to the councillor, haven?t made the appt. but have done the research thanks to the other poster pointing out the relevant website. I?m also going to order the book recommended by MmBovary.

I don?t want to be pessimistic as I?m not sure this marriage should or could be saved but I need to explore the options. I?ve worked hard in my marriage (not all the time, I?m only human, but most of the time). My husband's lackadaisical approach has perhaps meant that he?s hasn?t felt the need to work because he relies on me to do the work in all aspects of our life. If he?ll meet me part way there may be room for manoeuvre.

My ?Jekyll and Hyde? is to coin another saying ?When he was good, he was very, very good, and when he was bad he was horrid ? If we could find the good part and stick to that most of the time things would be so much better!

So, why are you going to talk to him again?

Are you hoping for a 'darling, I didn't realise how much I was hurting you, I will be a loving husband from now. I realise now and I will change'? or 'What, you mean you have been very unhappy for a long time? Darling, I didn't realise'?

Well, you can hope for that but I very much doubt it's going to come. I very much doubt he's going to change now - why should he? He's had everything on a plate - you are even seriously considering dismantling your life, the things that are the most important to you, to try to buy his love.

One of the aspects of the Freedom Programme is that we challenge societal beliefs that we hold too. eg 'it is a wife's job to iron her husband's shirts' (that's a mild one). it seems that, at root, you believe it is your job to serve your family so that you can all be happy.

there's only one problem with that though: 'all' isn't actually 'all' is it?

Good luck with your talking.

It sounds like you have tried hard over a very very long time.
I suppose the main questions are if your heart isn't in it is it worth salvaging? Do you really want to go into the future with him?
You need to start putting your needs first again, your interesets, time with friends etc

The main advantage you have in this situation that many other women don't have is being financially comfortable so you know whatever happens you will be secure in that sense.

He sounds very hard work. I've been there

Also wishing you luck with talking things through. But I'm sort of with springy daffs really.

Nice, thoughtful people like you see tears and assume they mean "Oh no, I have hurt Chrissy and our relationship", because that's the kind of thing that would make you cry. But to him they could mean "Oh dear, my unpaid housekeeper/life manager/drudge has seen through me and my cosy existence is about to be ripped apart, pooooooor little me". Listen carefully to his choices of words.

I had a lightbulb moment when I read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft, widely recommended by posters on here. I had stayed for many years because of the good bits between the rages and sulks. I hadn't really fully clicked before that was all part of the controlling masterplan and a common pattern in 'that' sort of man! I suggest you read it before you make a decision. Also, if he is abusive, then you are not meant to go to couples counselling. Good luck.

Please, please do not get rid of the dogs. They are your passion, they link you with like minded people and they will give you a focus if you do eventually decide to build yourself a life of your own without him.

You are really young and you deserve so much better than to spend your life being provider and housekeeper to a sulky man child.

FWIW I am older than you and after a couple of years on my own after splitting with my ex met a wonderful new partner. There is life out there!

and I've got 3 huge dogs, 2 children and some horses...but DP doesnt seem to mind!