Anyone else the black sheep of their family?

[HexagonalQueenOfEverything]

I am!

It used to upset me a lot but after having counselling I'm ok with it, and see it as my mum and sister's problem rather than mine. If anything, these days I find the way they speak to me quite amusing, and I do limit the amount of time I spend with them and have very firm boundaries in place.

It's funny though that even though my sister and I are now in our thirties, my sister still keeps to her role as the 'favourite', and seems to almost get pleasure from speaking to me badly and with contempt.

oldraver, I would imagine that getting to spend time alone with DS means the absolute world to your OH. Having the people who are 'supposed' to be on your side undermining you and treating you like a freak just shreds your self-confidence. I'm sure he values the partnership that you both have and the opportunity to be in charge of his own child more than you know.

My mother practically tore my crying baby cousin out of my arms with a huge tut because I couldn't quieten him down. That was 20 years ago and it still hurts. I still feel pathetically grateful when anyone trusts me to hold their baby (no DCs of my own).

Lotta... thank you for saying that and yes doing simple things like spending time with DS does mean the world to him even if it is giving him his breakfast and bathing and brushing his hair. OH had a very hands on relationship with his own father, lots of outdoorsy stuff and he wants the same with DS though I draw the line at getting an air rifle, and to hear his family deriding him the way they do is hurtfull. I actually doubt his DB's have done half the things with their DC's OH has done, (very old fashioned male/female roles). DS is away for a few days weeks and OH is moping around missing him.

I think the difference was his DB's had children years ago so 'settled' down when their families came along while OH didnt have too so I think they have resented him for this. Now he has his own little family albeit a little later in life they are a bit put out

Having my DCs was definitely a big turning point for me and I am much braver about standing up to DM and her family for their sake than I could ever be for my own.

Really puts into perspective how warped their parenting was when you become a parent yourself too.

Your DH is lucky to have you oldraver.

Arseface Thats so true.

I don't take as much crap anymore. I can't deal with it on top on looking after ds. He will always come before them.

I suppose in a way its made me a better mum because i would never ever put my ds through some of the stuff that my family have.

There will come a time when he won't want them around either i think :(

Yep. Another black sheep of the family here. Most of my family, apart from my DB and his DP, tell me nothing, yet if I don't tell them anything, I get it in the neck.

A prime example was when DS had Scarlet Fever. I didn't have enough credit on my mobile to make a call (we didn't have broadband and a landline in at the time, just our mobiles), but enough to send 2 texts to the 2 people my mum would definitely see that day. I sent the 1st text to my SIL asking her to let mum know that DS had Scarlet Fever. Mum phoned me and played merry hell with me for not phoning her directly, even though by the time I'd got a word in edgewise, I had said twice that I didn't have enough credit on my mobile to ring her. I ended up telling her that I was going to put the phone down as I couldn't be bothered to listen to her if she wasn't prepared to listen to me. Half an hour later my younger brother got on the phone and played merry hell about putting the phone down on mum.

The last 3 times my dad was in hospital, no-one apart from eldest DB and his DP had the decency to tell me dad had been admitted. The last time he was in hospital, I was due to go to see him yesterday. Luckily, on Monday, I phoned the hospital ward dad was on and found out that dad had been discharged on the 26th. Again, no-one had the decency to ring or text me to say that dad was home.

Needless to say, I've not been in contact with the family since. There has been a few other incidents that make me think about where I stand in the family. For instance, DH's uncle was trying to get in touch with us about MIL (she's in hospital dying from pancreatic cancer), so my mum rang eldest DB's DP and asked him to ring me and let me know (by that time I'd already spoke to DH's uncle about MIL anyway and it was then I found out that dad was admitted to hospital). I don't understand why she couldn't ring and tell me herself. She rang me a few days later to ask about bus times to the hospital dad was in. She never mentioned dad, never asked how MIL was and never asked about how our kids were. A few days after that she blatantly ignored DH, while walking to the shop, even though she was staring right at him when he was talking to a neighbour.

Those are all things that have happened in the last 3 months. There's more to add to that collection, but I CBA to bore you all to tears LOL.

Just read through about the 'word in edgewise part'. What I meant by that is that I had managed to tell her twice in between her butting in and interrupting me.

I think we're lucky to have each other Arseface

OH sorts of shrugs his shoulders about it all and says he's not bothered, I suppose as he has fullfilled the 'role' for many years. I have only come to it the last few years and after spending this last weekend up there its all fresh in my mind.

Most of them were very very drunk and if I heard a sarcastic "oh yes we knew you would be a good father, as you act like a kid yourself" one more time I was about to bop someone

I know the feeling OldRaver. I could quite happily line my family against the wall and give'em a sodding good kick in the shins .

It may not do any good, but it'll make me feel better.

I have had counselling because I was afraid to confront by brother and mother and was worried about causing them hurt. I was always trying to fix everything, always feeling terrible about myself.

Finally a situation arose when I had the misfortune to be with my family in full dysfunctional action in planning a family celebration and it hurt me very much. I behaved the best I could and made a big effort to resolve things but it was clear that even though everyone knew I was right I was completely overrun. So I confronted them, and got absolutely nowhere.

So now I know what happens when I confront my family and suddently I feel liberated. I know now that I can't fix my family and its not my fault that my 'golden child' brother grew up to be a selfish dick or that my mother is basically a very weak and vain woman. So I don't need to torment myself about it any more. I have cut myself off from my brother as I actually can't be in a room with him any more and I have decided that as I have told him why I'm upset and he has chosen to disregard me I no longer have any obligation. He can fix it. I can't.

I still see my mother as she is elderly and alone and not well, and I'm not a bitch (well, I try not to be).

Now the script is that I am 'neurotic' (my mother) and 'I need counselling' (my sil). I have simply told them the power to resolve the situation lies with them and not me.

And I'm NEVER getting involved in a family party again.

Deck, sorry to hear that was the event a recent one? Sounds raw...
Can really empathise and relate to your situation, bloody difficult but am hoping counselling works for me too (not in vain, I hope!) had horrible meeting with dm, no confrontation except by email but it's haunting me. Dsis makes no effort tho I do hope to at least be reconciled one day. I hate being the scapegoat- blamed, left out, ostracised. I don't deserve it and struggling to handle it, tbh.

Good on you DeckSwabber. I find that family parties/get-togethers are quite stressful and you're constantly left wondering what you've done when something goes wrong, or waiting to hear someone blaming you for any incidents.

Mums 70th family dinner was not long back, as a naice hotel. I had spoken to dad about what mum would like for her birthday and he told me that make-up, perfume or a nice moisturiser would be fine.

When she opened our present and found some expensive tinted moisturiser (think along the lines of £20 for that alone) and her fave perfume which cost £30 at bargain price, she asked why we bought her the stuff and if we were telling her she was that old. DH replied "Thank your lucky stars we didn't get you embalming fluid and bandages instead" . I had to make a conceited effort to stop myself from howling with laughter, and so did my DB's DP. Even my dad was pissing himself laughing when hw was giving DH, me and the kids a lift home. He said that DH had come off with one of the best oneliners he'd heard in a long time.

Sometimes I wonder why we spent so much for the priviledge of an insult from mum, but it won't be happening again. Good thing is that DH is very forward about anyone insulting/sniping at his family for no reason. I'm more laid back and generally let it wash over me. Saying that, I'll wait until I'm pushed to the limits then I bite back big style.

' Ihave cut myself off from my brother as I actually can't be in a room with him any more ...'

Same here DeckSwabber. I just haven't had those warm familial feelings towards him since he called me an effing c-word in front of the rest of the family at Xmas a few years ago

I still suffer attacks of guilt though - he's my younger brother, his life is pretty crap, he needs support, he's suffering from being the golden child all his life, I should be the 'bigger person' (whatever that means) blahblahblahblah. And then sometimes I feel absolutely convinced that I have every right to still be livid at him for what he did and said (lots of similar examples) and that I do not need someone like that in my life, brother or not. And that he is an adult and the only person who can turn his life around is him. It's hard though - I take my hat off to you for being so strong

I think I am the balck sheep. Symptoms are;
No matter how well I do it is never enough; in fact mY parents can get jealous at the same time criticising me for failing.
Since having dd my dad has tried to tell me how to parent and dosn't seem to approve of my need for a career. He wants me to just be a mum.
I feel like they almost accept me to fail and I used to act up accordingly.

I do love my dad and my dm sadly died and I love them to bits but they still scapegoated me.
As a result dsis hardly acknowledges me. Golden child that she is!

Thanks Salbertina, PackitinNow and Lottapianos.

Counselling is worth it and it helped a lot a few years ago - it made me realise that my issues with my partner (now ex-) and my lack of self esteem were rooted in my relationship with my DM and DB (my DF died when I was a teenager).

But in future I'll have counselling when the problem is mine, not when the problem is with someone else - it's all about 'boundaries'. This has taken me years and years to learn. I took on my family's problems as my own for a long time and this suited everyone just fine. My counsellor identified that I am very protective towards my mother despite her making some rubbish decisions, and this made it very difficult for me to break free, but 'protective' in the right context is quite a good instinct so I'm ok with that. However it is not the same as 'responsible'. I am not responsible for the mess she made of raising her 'golden child', who is really not a very nice or happy person.

I used to wonder what was so awful about me that my family pushed me away. Now I ask, what is it in them that makes them need to push away/deny a daughter/sister? I think to myself, 'If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't treat a member of the family like that. I'm glad I haven't behaved like that'.

Funnily enough, my mother was, by her own account, the 'favourite' and she has been haunted all her life by this (perhaps exacerbated by being a twin?) and she has an overwhelming need to be in pole position in terms of accolades, when the real merit, imho, is how you behave with those who really need you.

the real merit, imho, is how you behave with those who really need you

So true.

Agree but ever a work in progress to be vigilant against projecting inherited parenting styles/issues, for me anyway! Been reading reparenting stuff inc "growing up again" to help, also upping therapy to 2x a week (god help the bank balance- should set up direct debit from my Dms account!)

Yes I agree Salbertina. I'm a single parent so my boys get my poor parenting without very much to balance things out by input from their dad, or my family, though I think they have some good role models among friends and teachers.

I hang on to the fact that I love my children, each in thir own way, and I show them that they are loved - with those foundations we can survive some wobbles.

I think I'm the black sheep too. In a way it's good because I want my life to be different (to the one I had growing up).

What I struggle with is feeling inferior to other people and assuming things are my fault. This frustrates me so much that I try the opposite and just get angry with people.

I always think people don't like me and that makes relationships hard. I try to be a different type of parent to my dc but sometimes I get it wrong.

I don't know how to get fixed, that's how I feel - broken.

Thank you for this thread, I've never felt comfortable about sharing this before.

Cob- understand yr frustration. I get the same- overcompensating sometimes and ending up doing exact opposite of what I mean/feel.
Anyone see the articles about difficult mothers- excellent one in today's Times, another()not nearly as good) in yesterday's Guardian. Worth a look. Times one reviewing 'Difficult mothers' book. Just downloaded free sample on kindle, will let u know what it's like.

And cob, do u have anyone to talk to/ are u in therapy? Should help "fix" you. I sympathies, still a while to go myself and also often feel broken but helps to know that dp supportive and confronting in therapy.

Another black sheep here, I stayed on at school past 16, went to uni, got a degree, moved away. Don't smoke or drink to excess.

Apparently I think I am better than everyone else!

My mother used to love boasting to her friend and her sisters about me but never said a nice thing to me, completely NPD.

she sounds horrible. I recently diagnosed My dm w NPD by proxy- shed never feel the need to undergo any diagnosis/therapy herself
She also shows off about me in my absence, apparently; j find it extremely hard to believe as she's so critical/cold face to face exuding antipathy towards me. Such a weird condition (and so painful for those who bear the brunt). Wonder how much she's suffering too? Assuming she's also had a mother with NPD- my grandma died before I was born and dm has always refused to discuss her.

Ok, am liking Apter's book so far- she's not, I think, talking defined disorders rather "difficult" compared to "good-enough" mothers" as defined below:
"a good enough mother is one with whom one finds more comfort than pain, more resonance than dissonance...[she{ has an ordinary person's foibles and fallibility ..but the relationship she offers had room for understanding, imagination, growth and pleasure"

"difficult mother presents her child with the dilemma: either develop complex and constricting coping mechanisms to maintain a relationship with me on my terms, or suffer ridicule, disapproval, or rejection." what do you reckon,ladies?

"a child can't easily escape this dilemma..and terrified of being abandoned..the primitive panic at abandonment lasts long into adulthood.. Even [then] we are rarely willing to renounce a mothers love even when it brings pain, frustration and disappointment."

I haven't had any therapy Salbertina, perhaps I should.

Don't really know where to start...do I need a referral or just the yellow pages and lots of ££?

Maybe if that's what you think you need. Greg someone good though- IMHO cbt is too surface skimming and quick fix for this, that's been my experience anyway. Can h try and get a recommendation for a psychotherapist? Don't need a referral if private, can book yourself direct bug yes sadly ££ invoked. Others in here seem to think its been worth the investment.