Anyone else the black sheep of their family?

[HexagonalQueenOfEverything]

I am!

It used to upset me a lot but after having counselling I'm ok with it, and see it as my mum and sister's problem rather than mine. If anything, these days I find the way they speak to me quite amusing, and I do limit the amount of time I spend with them and have very firm boundaries in place.

It's funny though that even though my sister and I are now in our thirties, my sister still keeps to her role as the 'favourite', and seems to almost get pleasure from speaking to me badly and with contempt.

X post Salbertina - I could have written, word for word, what you did about your father. It's sad when you realise how weak they are, and that our Daddies aren't there to support us.

HotDAMN I identify with everything you have said! It wasn't until I had counselling that I realised I wasn't this horrible nasty piece of work that I thought I was. My mum used to say I was awkward, nasty, horrible, jealous of my sister, all kinds of things.

It was HER with the problem though, I now realise, transferring all her issues onto me.

I was adopted as the much wanted 2nd daughter--DF loved me and l him but unfortunatly he is now dead. Throughout my teenage years l got the snidey remarks that l was going to "turn out like her" (birthmum) from "badblood" "l owed them everything". My sister was and is the favourite and can do no wrong. After an argument earlier this year l cut all contact with her and feel 100% better for it.
My DM is a different story--she is a manipualitive hypochondriac living on pills and much wanted but not needed sympathy. A few years ago the wool fell from my eyes and l saw her for what she is. She expected contact at 6.30pm every night and to spend every Saturday with us.
I would love to cut her off but l promised my dad l would look after her--and l do. My Sister has contact with her on her terms only despite living 5 mins away and is always asking for and spending her money which she has plenty of. I don't want any

As Gloria Gaynor says:---

I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook
Or the ovation
It's my world
That I want to have a little pride
My world
And it's not a place I have to hide in
Life's not worth a dam
Till I can say
I am what I am

I am what I am
I don't want praise I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle
Your life is a shame
Till you can shout out I am what I am

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out
I am what I am

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out
I am what I am

I am I am I am good
I am I am I am strong
I am I am I am worthy
I am I am I belong

I am I am I am useful
I am I am I am true
I am I am somebody
I am as good as you

Yes I am..........

I would say l hate them both, but l don't, l tend to just not think about them at all.

And yes the boundary thing strikes a chord with me too. Foxtrot I am obsessive about boundaries with my family now, it's the only way I can manage to get along with them in any capacity.

Also with regards to the boundary thing, have any of you also found it difficult to put down boundaries with other people too? Until my counselling I literally had no boundaries at all, with anyone, and would let anyone treat me as they liked.

Very different now though

it is my dad who is the ringleader, not my mum. He set the tone for the rest of the family. It's my mum who is the weak enabler.

My family are vicious and desperately sick. in answer to your q sabertina, I've had extensive therapy (due for another tranche ) and about 8 months ago I finally cut them off for good

I have cut them off at various times for varying lengths, but there was always some event - wedding, anniversary, blah blah - that I felt duty bound to attend. I recently went to only the wedding of my goddaughter (she can't help it that she has poisonous parents) but slipped out immediately after the service and didn't see one member of my family - result!

Now, if someone dies I won't be at the funeral. I struggle with bitterness sometimes, which ebbs and flows, but ultimately I am the one who will suffer if I give into it. anger definitely has its rightful and essential place but my aim is to accept, and that's a daily discipline, if you like. I can honestly say now that I wish them well - but I won't be there to see it.

It's been a life sentence though, make no mistake . the only hope I have of a fruitful life from now on in is to make sure I never see them again or have any dealings with them on any level. I am not healed enough that their toxic dealings don't hit old wounds and I probably never will be.

Also with regards to the boundary thing, have any of you also found it difficult to put down boundaries with other people too? Until my counselling I literally had no boundaries at all, with anyone, and would let anyone treat me as they liked.

Absolutely! I was an absolute doormat (still can be tbh) and wouldn't ever call anyone up on their behaviour or say no when someone wanted something. I wonder whether it's because saying no at home created a huge drama and I didn't want to repeat it, or whether I was desperate to be accepted. Not anymore though!

Same here, massive doormat, everyone used to walk all over me, the word 'no' simply wasn't in my vocabulary. I just had a desperate need for everyone to like me.

Foxtrot and SarahStratton I could have written both of your posts! I think I let people walk over me as a) from experience saying no would create huge problems at home with my mum not speaking to me for weeks b) I wanted everyone to like me/accept me and c) I don't think I thought I was worth being treated well.

I was so grateful to have a boyfriend/a friend/someone who wanted to chat to me I would tolerate anything

You have to learn those boundaries and it isn't easy. Look at the way your dc are with you.

Mother is the word for god on the mouths and hearts of all children.

You grow up believing everything your mother tells you. And if she abuses this position, it's a huge headfuck for a child at any age.

I raise my glass inwardly and I raise my glass to you all. And there's only diet coke in there, contrary to my mother telling everyone I was an irresponsible partying drunk for most of my cognitive years.

Yes I was out, looking for an escape from you mother!

I have been the opposite re boundaries. ie my trigger has been extremely sensitive - to the point that if something was going 'wrong', it felt like my sanity depended on it to flag it up. now, you can't live like that! people behave badly all the blarsty time and you can't be jumping on every indiscretion etc. I'm learning to not have quite so sensitive a filter...

but, here's the thing: as my boundaries have been shot to pieces, which one is a big indiscretion, and which one is small? I still struggle to work that one out tbh.

tell you what though: I am so kind to myself. I've learnt that at least I have also learnt to keep quiet - it's actions that speak the loudest.

Me too Hex.

Also, I am apparently insane, as I've had therapy, been on antidepressants, and went to the GP to get Valium to get me through the week at Harrogate.

Sister was so aggressive towards me there, shouted at me, swore, stuck her fingers right in my face. My parents were sitting next to her when this happened, yet all 3 of them flatly deny it happened. DD1 challenged them over it the other day, and my mother called her a liar. She's also a drama queen for bringing up the fact that when she was 6 my sister shouted at her so much that she made her cry.

I have an incredible amount of hate for my family, it's still seething away inside. I don't really know what to do with it, but I am having a very cathartic chucking out of anything I ever got from them (massive amount of junk shop tat, sadly no car).

(Namechanged) Yes, I'd say so, and suspect they would too. I haven't seen them for years now, still struggling with the guilt of that a little, but relieved mostly.

I've read about it on the relationships board, I think they call it making you the 'scapegoat' or similar such term. I'm not sure.

I suffered physical and emotional abuse, yet I couldn't explain it as I was the child who was the most studious and well behaved etc I thought I must just be a horrible person, as that is what I was told frequently, with no real explanation as to why. I can still recall my sister (after one night my parents, well mother and step-father, were particularly awful) saying to me (we had a mutual friend) that she hoped I didn't tell said friend as it would "embarrassing" for her.

I escaped to university, but oddly kept in contact with them for years, and bought them expensive gifts for occasions in the hopes they might like me a little more (guessing).

DH is the black sheep in his family as he tells it like it is and doesn't hold back.

Hypochondriac MIL who likes to make a show of how ill she is at any opportunity, and should she exert herself with any chores, believe me everyone will know about it: DH tells her regularly that her illnesses are in her mind which doesn't go down very well

Martyr of a FIL who regularly says that if he doesn't do things, then it will never get done, as no one else is bothered: DH reminds him that he actually does very little and he should just stop doing these things if doesnt want to.

Prat of BIL who talks a load of shyte most of the time: DH generally just
ignores

I've tried to be the angelic white sheep to make up for his "shortfalls", and have spent a lot of time trying to raise his status within the family.
This has worked to an extent, but has taken a lot of effort, and now realise that it really isn't worth my effort trying to convince DH's family of anything.

And also DH is generally right anyway.

scapegoating

Signing in. Just the usual really dad & gran wanted a boy and got me. Dad alcoholic mum weak we both got bullied etc etc until she left. Then I got a stepmother to help my dad see me for the drug taking heavy drinking sleeping around sort that I wasn't. At 16 I got jobs and places to rent circled fir me and left on my bed ( I was doing a levels in order to go to uni). She would lock me out and tell mr to sleep in the garage 'with the other dogs', set me up so that I'd fail etc etc.
For me the best thing was DH (now) seeing them for that they were and showing me I was fine actually.

Yep.
My mother has completely blocked it parts of my childhood.
She Deines she ever hit me across the face so hard I flew across the room and banged my head on the tv unit.
She denies lots of stuff.
Dont care.
I see them on my terms now.
I am not trapped in that house with 2 hateful siblings.
I have my own house and my own family.
The best revenge is a life well lived.

Oh god yes! I am so the scapegoat of my family...and Dhs which is ait more worrying :(
It was my fault that my brother stole £500 from my bank account when I was saving up to get married.
I shouldn't have left my bank card hanging around( it was in a lidded box in my bedroom)
I was wrong to call the police and get him cautioned (my aunt told me this)
It was so bad before my wedding I moved in with pils.
Getting the keys to our new house was like getting the keys to the prison cell :(

Oh and fils worship older bil and his dc and have no use with the rest of us. I had enough he other week with the looks & comments so told them if they didn't like something they could leave and DH backed me up ( much to their surprise) they are not speaking to us shame

I went on a residential therapy course once where we all wacked the shit out of some huge cushions with a baseball bat. felt stupid at first but WOW it was sooo healing and cathartic! I really would recommend it for anyone who is struggling with volcanic rage re scapegoating. say/scream whatever comes to mind, don't be self-conscious (it's by-passing the conscious that does the magic, I think). some people take up kick boxing etc ie something physical where you can hit something.

luckily, I live in a detached house so I can pick my moments and I can pretend I'm doing some DIY.

the best revenge is a life well lived

I love that, so true, one of our new neighbours told me that when she finally met me after being told about me for a few years ( and I was kept away from them all) She actually said ' you know, you're actually really nice' within a couple of months our entire street had all 'accidentally' met me and gave me the confidence to leave ( I didn't think I could thanks to 'family')

I was a fundamental wrongun from birth...since there were 3 DD's before me and I was meant to be a boy !!
How do you deal with that...the re-telling of it all. Being introduced as.."this is our boy" to people often
I became a tomboy...tried to fill the right shoes so I could fit in...
My DD's treated me like shit and I was mostly ignored throughout my childhood
I never asked or expected anything...I've been the scapegoat/verbal punchbag for them all...I left home as soon as I was old enough.
I keep my distance from my siblings and have a very tenuous relationship with my mother...she undermines me constantly and I believe she enjoys making me feel bad...
It's still too hard to let go...she is my mother....I have been so torn and hurt all my life but still don't seem to be able to cut myself off.....I'm the one who supports her with everything...
I am the square peg always trying to fit in the round hole....

I've always felt like the black sheep, ever since I can remember. My parents didn't treat me badly, they just don't really get me, they don't understand why I make the decisions I make and why I never do what they want me to do!

My younger sister and brother and much more malleable and conformist, and I always felt as a child that it was like the 4 of them were a family unit and I was the outsider. Even now my mum never tires of telling me what a 'difficult' child I was and how naughty and disruptive I was, they even paid to send my sister and brother to private school in another town because they didn't want them to turn out like me!

My brother is definitely the 'golden child', even though he is a lazy arse who doesn't work at the moment and just sits around at my parents, where he pays no rent, smoking weed and playing computer games whereas my sister and I have mortgages, degrees and careers. There is no bitterness between me and my siblings though, I love them both dearly, although my sister does seem to be rather alarmingly turning into my mum and becoming more and more exasperated with me and my 'quirkiness'.

I've recently been reading 'Women who run with the Wolves' by Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes, a Jungian Psychoanalyst who says that not fitting in with ones birth family is a blessing because it encourages you to go and find your own 'pack' with which to run with and who will nurture and encourage you in a much healthier and more beneficial way, I remind myself of this when I'm round the dinner table with them feeling like I dropped in from another planet!

I too threw away things they ever bought for me, and discarded old photographs, it seemed to help a little at the time.

Oddly I've kept one thing from them, it's something one of them broke in one of their outbursts and I managed to glue back together. I kept it as a 'reminder' (?) I've been thinking of finally throwing that away also recently.

Jacey, I tried to read that book but it was a long while ago, I was too young to get it, I think. I don't remember that finding your own pack point, interesting!