why don't I leave him alone if he is abusive? its like self harm..

[DippyDoohdah]

I have posted about my ex h before, under name of blinkey blonk. It has been a hard 6 yr relationship, with two lovely ds to show for it, and an annihilation of my own sense of self.I have given a lot to this man, supported him around immigration issues and begrudgingly put up with his substance use and excuses for not working properly or legitimately. Of course he has had his good sides and qualities but also has some very worrying attitudes as well as victim mentality and either loves or hates me.out relationship has been so on and of for last two years, with him threatening divorce ten minutes before my waters broke with second ds, and leaving, albeit for a few days when he was just 2 Weeks old..then 4 months old, so on and on.a couple of months ago I filed for divorce.he has messed around with contact with the boys and makes it all on his terms, given me hardly any money to support in last few months...but still wants us back as a family.as he is on benefits, he gets legal aid and has a jugular focused solicitor writing me essays about ex having boys at his for whole weekends...really, in the cannabis bedsits he lives in.he has again painted self as victim and says if I try and involve any other external services, especially social services, he will claim I am unfit to have boys..have been suffering with depression.there is a lot more I could say about him but said too much in previous thread and panicked and had it deleted.but knowing all I do,I am mainly the one who initiates contact and basically wants him tochange, understand..reform I guess.and each time I let him in I lose a bit more of my ability to cope as single mum.why do I keep doing this, any ideas?

because you are addicted and not yet out of the mindset that he has programmed...."will this be alright with DH?"

it takes time, emotional detachment and (if possible RL)support to cut loose.

But you know this already.

You ARE behaving like an addict...so what do you tell addicts to do?

Also you have not yet given up on the dream person of what he could be like (but isn't) he has shown you who he is...now you need to believe him and move on. (easier said than done),.

best wishes (

(from a tired and slightly incoherent fool)

thanks. I needed a reminder of the addictive part of it.even me posting on here about it is the addiction bit, not leaving it , talking about it even though I sometimes literally feel sick and tired of it! Spent some time with him at weekend..lovely to have that illusion of family unit together, but is just an illusion a cannot function as a couple and I dint like him that much anymore.so, as per analogy, it'd a habit not a desire.have sorted self some counselling now to focus on being strong and getting healthier view of relationships.perhaps time for me to stop navel gazing and maybe just check into emotional abuse thread occasionally if feel the need.sound less self centred and progressive?

Leverette gives good advice!
Talking about it could be like lancing the boil (I hate that expression but can't think of a better one). Don't stop yourself from expressing your thoughts and feelings on here or on paper or whereever - it will probably help you realign yourself and shake off the feelings and habits that you've developed over the last few years - partly, probably, as a self-preservation technique.
But the advice about practising being more 'self-centred' or 'self-nurturing' or 'self-focussed' or however you wnat to put it is really good as it should help strengthen you and make you psychologically and emotionally more self-sufficient.

Thanks both.I agree with needing to remove him from centre of my universe. I had read some one elses thread last night and they got slated after posting again about issues they had posted before and I thought maybe that could be me, but its still in early stages really so I don't think I should generalise that to myself.I am trying to just change my thoughts if hr pops in my head out I feel sorry for him..and having spent time with him over weekend I set myself back a bit as he went out of his way to make it all lovely for me! Was also not fair on the boys to have a weekend of happy families then revert back to seeing dad twice a week for a few hours.as you say maybe in some ways I will still love him for a long time..but we cannot hold it together for more than a few days and I feel smothered by him.I do see he is all or nothing...he canceled contact with boys today as thinks he has broken his hand..no doubt by punching another wall after we spoke on phone..

It's not just "like" self-harm, it is self-harm: staying with an abusive partner is an expression of your own deep-seated self-hatred.

I had a lot of self-harming behaviours. They all dropped away after I left my abusive ex-h, because in order to do so I had to come to the realisation that I was worth more than the way he treated me. He was the biggest symptom of my self-hatred of the lot.

"Of course he has had his good sides and qualities "

This is why you keep doing it. You're an optimist, you want to see the best in people, you believe in reform.... all of that kind of thing. It probably isn't in your character to 'drop' friends, let people down, be mean to others, be demanding etc. You'd probably think being selfish is the worst accusation that could be levelled at you. But that's the kind of heart-hardening, 'fuck 'em' attitude you have to adopt if you want to break your own yoke.

Dynamics between us both were bad and I did some things I regret but were also coping strategies.the fact I've put on two and a half stone in the last two years is testament to unhappiness and also fits in the self harm category as I chastise self over appearance and continue to worsen it and my health.so even losing weight feels like a big mountain now...in fact I feel like a big mountain! Yes cogito I would hate being called selfish and when ex used to rant about how no one cared about him it used to really get to Me. Well all of his rants got to me,"oh God here we go" would come into head, and knowing it would end in him leaving or me telling him to leave filled me with panic and anticipation I guess..because we were not right.yesterday my mum said that if me and himwere in same room together, we were like two lions treading around each other.take your point about being more self centred but don't want to be a bitch to him or deny boys him

It's not being 'a bitch' to stand up for yourself. It's not wrong to keep your boys from having to spend more time than necessary with a man who is, by any stretch of the imagination, an appalling father and terrible role model. There's a difference between putting yourself first, asserting yourself, not being at the beck and call of others, not tolerating fools..... and being selfish.

Have been to see my lovely solicitor today and agreed she calls ex h solicitor to put him in the picture that he is not as he portrays self and is wasting her and our time and money putting in applications for dcs to stay over for whole weekends when he lives in a near drug den, and that he does actually have the intent to obtain his passports and spend time between here and his own country..so to not poo poo any flight risk ideas.and to put her statist that he has not been paying regular maintenance. Fortunately my solicitor lives in the real world that I am now living in.as you say, I've got to think about my and DC needs and re learn my values and what I want for the future

Meant to read "and to put her straight"..thankfully ex has definitely told his solicitor that he is ok with 3 hours contact twice a week and not to pursue me financially, so at least is being true to his word..its that old chestnut then tho that pops into my head "maybe I have been too harsh and misjudged and misrepresented him..maybe its me".its not though is it?

When you give your ex less head space you will begin to really see that it's not you but him. Those 'addictive' feelings will disappear.

As said above at the moment you still seem in the same the way of thinking and feeling that was developed during the relationship. Once you can start to focus on other things that are solely about you and your wellbeing and your happiness then you will see that the problems and weirdness were his, and not intrinsic to you.

Try to keep contact to a minimum - just hand the Dcs over with as least talking as possible. Why not tell X that arrangements can only be made via email. Hopefully that will give you the space you need unpolluted by him.

I have tried the email thing but he has computer issues! Lloyd of people have suggested that so I know it would be better.its me really that needs to work on not initiating some kind of contact when I am feeling like am struggling with everything.am trying to read more of other peoples posts and post on them..I can find similarities there and give what I hope is decent advice..hopefully I will then be able to contribute and maybe take my own advice!..one thing tho,I am staying to enjoy my own company and being the master of my own ship more..."i'm not afraid of storms, i'm learning how to sail my ship"..Louisa may Alcott.
Anyway, at least am more positive today,I was dreadful yesterday..these bumpy waves!

sorry perhaps too many nautical references in last post! Changed antidepressants so just getting by at mo, but letting myself accept that as ok.boys fine.nearing decree nisi...come on dippy the end is nigh!

Is anyone still out there?!..have just shocked myself...messages from 2 people that I would usually pussy foot around...but I was completely direct and honest with my long standing opinion as my response. No reply yet as they are probably a bit surprised.new me?!

I have just crashed and burned.felt ok for a free days, then today realised it is our five year wedding anniversary.I have been happily trying to give a bit back by posting on other threads, was tripping along thinking "am ok, going to be ok" but I feel like my mood has just jumped off a cliff! He just called "r seeing the boys 2moro"but obviously no idea its out anniversary.know that's not a hugely uncommon issue but just feel really really sad..

Thanks for flowers x oh so sad.and you are the only one left..my life is crap and dull!

Dippy - been lurking and read your Blinkey threads - just wanted to say you're not on your own x

Thank you x still need some straight talking!

This rollercoaster of feelings is 'normal' - just ride them out, don't try to address them, you never know you may feel better/different tomorrow.

Go easy on yourself Dippy, don't expect too much from yourself on difficult days like anniversaries (hugs) x