why don't I leave him alone if he is abusive? its like self harm..

[DippyDoohdah]

I have posted about my ex h before, under name of blinkey blonk. It has been a hard 6 yr relationship, with two lovely ds to show for it, and an annihilation of my own sense of self.I have given a lot to this man, supported him around immigration issues and begrudgingly put up with his substance use and excuses for not working properly or legitimately. Of course he has had his good sides and qualities but also has some very worrying attitudes as well as victim mentality and either loves or hates me.out relationship has been so on and of for last two years, with him threatening divorce ten minutes before my waters broke with second ds, and leaving, albeit for a few days when he was just 2 Weeks old..then 4 months old, so on and on.a couple of months ago I filed for divorce.he has messed around with contact with the boys and makes it all on his terms, given me hardly any money to support in last few months...but still wants us back as a family.as he is on benefits, he gets legal aid and has a jugular focused solicitor writing me essays about ex having boys at his for whole weekends...really, in the cannabis bedsits he lives in.he has again painted self as victim and says if I try and involve any other external services, especially social services, he will claim I am unfit to have boys..have been suffering with depression.there is a lot more I could say about him but said too much in previous thread and panicked and had it deleted.but knowing all I do,I am mainly the one who initiates contact and basically wants him tochange, understand..reform I guess.and each time I let him in I lose a bit more of my ability to cope as single mum.why do I keep doing this, any ideas?

Thanks.do not want to pry,I just really am stuck.

Hi again, sorry for delay, am on some pills which are making me feel all over the place.

I had 3 ephiphanies. The first was in 2009 when I was stressed at work, and in fact off sick, fed up that he would not work, and thought and thought for about 2 months, decided to divorce him, saw a solicitor. Then I had a moment of doubt, which remained, that I wouldn't manage on my own, and also my DF was upset and thought my DD, then 18, should not have to go through witnessing a divorce. I decided to give it another go. But at least at that time I opened my own bank account and transferred some money from 'our' savings (actually money gifted by DF). I transferred my SSP to that account, and paid all further monies - my ESA and some gifts - into there from then on. Ex was outraged that I had my ESA paid to me, not into the joint account!!

I did try over the next few months and years, but my issues with housework and him contributing financially were dismissed by him and the DC, so I felt very alone. Added to which my mental health, attributed to bi-polar, but I am certain a response to continual abuse and undermining, continued to be blamed by all.

I was put on lamotragine, supposed wonder drug for bi-polar depression, it made me worse, and my head was continually running thinking what could I do to improve things, surely Ex would see as he was a decent man, what he was doing. Even though he refused to engage in conversation with me - it was always the wrong time if I tried to talk, and he never would start a conversation. Things got so bad that I rang my local community team for an appointment - well, tried to, when they put me on hold I just collapsed in tears and put the phone down. Instead of Ex helping by taking care of me and ringing, I had to persuade him to ring for me. My brain then realised that he was no support and never intended to be, it stopped going on and on and went quiet and I could think properly. Came off the lamotragine.

Things continued to be bad, with Ex refusing to engage, saying he wanted parallel living, which I agreed to - this did not mean paying equally or doing equal housework - it meant nothing, and later he said he'd changed his mind.
I went from having no medication to having ADs again (paroxatine) last year, they worked and my brain stopped its mutterings and I got clear headed again. After him not helping at all with a family trip down to London last summer, we decided that was it. Although I still would have given him another chance if he had admitted his faults and addressed them, idiot that I am.

In the September I spent the evening crying hysterically, he just ignored and went to bed, I finally did what I had often thought of doing, packed a bag and went to a hotel. As soon as I drove away from the house I felt almost completely better, that was the point at which I understood my state was a reaction to his treatment. When I got back I posted on the Emotional Abuse thread. I filed for divorce, my depression went although obviously stress was horrific at times. And here I am.

Phew! Don't know if that's any help?

Wow thanks silver.have only just checked in here.I can relate to your relief at driving away.I can sustain that for only a while, so have been spending some family time together and he just thinks all back to normal as we have lived apart for a year or two already.w have not have any big talks as I or he am always too tired and I am wary off it all going horrible again.divorce still progressing and I feel like I am lying to everyone around me and myself.I don't know what I want and I feel I am letting the boys down if I do not make space for him in my life.I have done some stupid things during our separation and can't see a way forwards or back wards.

Dippy I'm sorry you feel so stuck. But remember that you don't have to make a forever decision today, now. I think that separation is a different type of bereavement because it isn't irreversible, and having the option to reverse decisions can make sticking to them feel overwhelming and complicated. Can you take some time out for yourself, and try not to pressure yourself one way or the other? From what I have read, you have been so strong. That doesn't have to change whatever you decide x

Hi diamonds, good to hear from you.I hear you and you are right..I don't have to decide and am putting pressure on myself, and letting him out pressure on me too.may be sewing when it comes to supporting others but a bit pants at my own messy life! How are things with you?x

Not may be sewing..may be strong!

I am still struggling with finally ending this. When he comes round at the weekends and we go out with boys, I am equally irratated and relieved. I don't cope with weekends if he is not around to support. But I cannot imagine living with him again and decree nisi nearly here..He is behaving a bit better (no weed or cocodomol) but I am not really raising any issues as I do not want to rock the boat. I know this is awful of me, but he is giving me money at the moment too..if I tell him there is no future, that will stop. Feel a bit held to ransom there but also like am selling self?? Opinions please.

I mean, if he can give us money now, while not living with us, then he could still do that if there was absolutely no future in us a couple too, couldn't he? I've let it get worse by letting him, partially, back in. Blurred it all. Even when he is being great with boys, I find myself rolling my eyes when my back is turned..perhaps i just cannot forgive and forget. But i saw aglimpse yesterday of old him. We had taken boys to a car boot sale and I had asked for some time to self. Met up an hour or so later and he looked irritated.. youngest had been tantrumming over toys on stalls. He was complaining about youngest's behaviour and pulling faces.. I said 'Are you okay (name)?' (subtext..you obviously are not) and he started a rant (in front of boys) "This is it, noone can say anything, you are always so difficult, I cannot speak, I can never relax" (back at you I was thinking!) its embarrassing in public. I backed down and he 'took us' for lunch (though I ended up paying more) and again was complaining about their behaviour..they are 2 and 4 and did not remain still after finishing their food. They were not dreadfull, noisy, or running round, just wriggly boys. He then said that I had to sort our situation and 'let him come home' before their behaviour got worse. I don't agree, he rules by fear (glares, smacks, and what i see as losing temper and therefore control) and that does not teach the boys in the right way, does it? I said that I did not want to discuss it in front of boys but he kept pushing the point. I told him I could not imagine us living together again at the moment, and we have not even begun to discuss the issues. That we are too different and have so many problems. He started to tantrum and say well thats it then we should finish the divorce now. I agreed if thats what he wanted, then he backtracks and says we can talk more.
This is not good, is it? No part of me misses him when he is not here, do not want to share bed with him. For the first time ever I am not worried about finding another relationship or sex. I want to find myself and help the boys grow. I want to lose 4 stone and stop drinking. But I want to believe that I can cope financially and mentally without his support, because it will be withdrawn if I complete the divorce/tell him that i will not be with him again. I am charading at a part time family because I do not have faith in my staying power alone.

You're looking at the money thing the wrong way. He's not a kind gentleman giving you money. As the father of your children he has a legal as well as a moral obligation to contribute to their support. If what he's giving you is more than they cost to bring up, or more than the CSA would calculate he should give, then fair enough - he's being kind. Such payments are not conditional upon the parents being a couple, in fact quite the reverse, as if you were a couple you'd be sharing everything, right? Actually, as you're not divorced, it is still YOUR money as much as his. Once it's through you will only be entitled to, I think, something like 15% of his net income for one child, 25% for two.

As for coping, I bet you'll cope a whole lot better when you don't have an extra large child to tiptoe around.

Annie, as he works cash in hand I would not be able to claim anything! I guess he gives me about 20 power cent if his washes for the two boys at present, not every week. we saw him today, some of it was nice.but 4 year old was banding,I was out of the room and I just heard it blow up and his Dad yelling at him and threatening.?you will be sorry"..cue 4 year old inconsolable in bedroom.their Dad knows he went too far. As a wider family we are becoming more likely to accept that 4 year old may be on autistic spectrum, school aware, but if I can cope his Dad should be able to on the odd day he is here? But then when he is here and its happy families I think I should just forget any doubts. Any one got any book or resource recommendations..why I am still in this drives me mad with myself

Omg..that should be "twenty per cent of his wages" and "4 year old was whining"...do I sound like an overly defensive mum or does he sound like a man who cannot handle children?

Dippy - I have been lurking on this thread, and really feel for you.

One thing that has struck me is that you are still trying to play 'happy families' with him! If he is really such a great dad, then you don't need to be with him and your DSs when they go out. If you do feel you need to be there, then he is NOT a great dad. Simple.

If you really want him to come over and spend time with the DSs at your house (and I think it's a terrible idea, but can understand that you don't want DSs going to his house) then you need to remove yourself, and go and do something else, be in another room, etc. When the weather is nice, he should be taking them out somewhere. Actually, even if the weather isn't so hot he should still be taking them out somewhere!

This is what people mean by distancing yourself. If he really wants to win you back, he KNOWS what he has to do. He can stop talking about and go and DO IT!!!!! He needs to stop 'Talking the Talk' and start 'Walking the Walk'.

Thanks for responding, chit chat. Part of me goes with them to try and see if he has got better and try and build on things..odd huh while divorce still going ahead but I have had so many down times with him thatI have to get it to the decree nisi point as I feel it will ultimately go beyond this anyway. And yes a part of me goes as I worry he will get annoyed with them or not do child focused things with them. If I make it clear he is just to see them, he looks hostile and sad.if he comes to see them/all of us, he wants just as much, if not more, attention from me.part if me wants to let him back in my head and heart but I don't trust him to be reliable, responsible and not to flare up at me.i've broken my heart over him too many times and somewhere in the last six months a brick wall has popped up in front if it!