Would you be annoyed at being snooped on?

[BadLad]

Or, as those in favour of CCTV cameras say, why worry if you have nothing to hide?

My e-mail, phone and facebook passwords are known to my partner. If she snooped I'd be disgruntled, rather than angry.

I don't know her passwords. Would probably get them if I asked, but have no reason to.

Just asking because I have read many threads where the OP has found out about a cheating partner by snooping. Obviously "you snooped on me" is a weak defence to "you cheated on me", but I am surprised how many people do it, and therefore I suppose think it's acceptable. I am presuming that plenty of people snoop, find nothing and therefore don't post about it.

God, I "snoop" all the time. I'm not expecting to find anything, I'm just a nosy bitch!

I don't understand why people snoop - I don't believe any good ever comes from it. If someone is actively looking for something bad they will read it into whatever they find - however innocent.

While I'm all for openness and honesty in a relationship I think everyone is entitled to some privacy. It's about trust isn't it?

The only time I have snioped, is when I suspected my dh was being unfaithful. And he was.

I only snoop on DH's Facebook when it's logged into his account, and that's only because I'm looking for photos of beautiful new babies or lovely weddings! And DH is normally right beside me haha.

So to summarise, I'm really mosey when it comes to strangers' family events, and don't feel the need to snoop for dirt on DH.

Badlad, I never looked at ex's phone, computers, or snooped in any way for the first eight years of our relationship.
I only looked when he was being a complete bastard to me (not entirely consensual sex, calling me names constantly, telling me I was a 'jealous' person (bollocks), that I was paranoid etc. In short, I knew before I looked, but I had to be sure before I left.

My XP had key loggers on my pc, would check my phone while I slept, search my handbag etc etc. I wasn't cheating, he was.
It was horrible to have no privacy at all and feel so thought little of, so if DH was snooping on me now, it would really upset me and break my trust in a very significant way.

I think, more often than not, it's the doubt that comes first before the actual snooping iykwim.
I know Dp's passwords/access for some sites, as he does mine but it's not because I snoop on him, if I had reason to doubt him then sorry, but I wouldn't think twice about doing so.

Acceptable ?
Nope! but neither is being cheated on and lied to which would continue to happen if OH's didn't turn detective.

I never looked or was interested to look until one evening when I just felt like I should look and I was right to do so.

This was after I had just felt like something wasn't right - the iphone and ipad behaviour had changed i.e. alot more use and always keeping by him and he had recently put passwords on it ("because of working in London!")

Also,there had been a change in his behaviour, with the classic pattern I now see on here of someone who has begun to emotionally detach themselves.

Interestingly, I don't feel the need to check now, but wouldn't hesitate if I noticed a change in behaviour. I would tell him I wanted to look, but not give him chance to delete anything. I would be suspicious if he didn't want me to.

I don't have any passwords on any of these things and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if my dp checked on me as it is all very mundane and I don't have anything to hide from him.I am not one to keep secrets, just my nature and I feel a relationship should be that also.

Why would you feel disgruntled?

There's a difference between secrecy and privacy.

Secrecy is password protecting everything and refusing to give your partner those passwords. And having secrets that would hurt your partner if they were found out. There's no valid reason to do this.

Privacy is giving the passwords, doing nothing that will cause insecurity and fear in a partner so that she feels the need to invade that privacy without your knowledge. People who behave like this tend to be asked if they mind a partner looking at their stuff - and in the normal course of events would say "sure, feel free".

I agree that the doubt comes first for most people. It did for me, and I snooped because I had a feeling something was going on and I was right.

You do get some people that a paranoid and jealous for no reason, but in the main most people dont snoop unless they need proof to confirm their suspicions.

I was married for 20 years, never felt the need to snoop. So I never did. Been divorced now for a few years, on good terms with exH, and have no reason even now to ever think I should have snooped.
All that blabbing is to say - I think a lot of people snoop because they have good reason to..intuition or something kicks in.

I would hate to be snooped on, even though I have nothing to hide. If someone wants to read my emails he can have my password. But then that brings up the issue of protecting the privacy of those who have sent me emails...I have a friend overseas who has marital problems and discusses it in her emails to me - if I had an OH I don't think he needs to know about my friends personal business.

I'd be disgruntled because I'd find it disrespectful, and because someone distrusting me to the point of having to read all my e-mails isn't a happy state of affaires at all. Plus, as Auxey says, some of my other friends e-mail me information which they don't necessarily want my wife to know.

It wouldn't be a deal-breaker, the first time anyway - constant snooping would really get on my nerves, I think.

What sternface said about privacy/secrecy and everyone else has said about suspicion/doubt.

In my case, I wrote my feelings in a diary, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. If Mumsnet had been available, I'd have been posting on here! Either way, the next bit would have been the same: during a row, he threw back at me some things I'd said in my diary. It shocked me. I'd never given much thought to privacy: I guess I assumed he wouldn't read my diary; I didn't snoop around his stuff. Plus, I'd have expected him to talk about any worrying things he did read, not use them against me out of the blue.

After that we snooped on each other quite a bit. There was no privacy and no openness either; you could summarise that as 'no respect'. It was dead in the water.

People probably feel the need to snoop when the behaviour becomes suspicious.

You don't have your OH passwords, but I bet she doesn't go into the toilet with her phone, or flip the screen to black when you pass the computer, or you find Adultfriendfinder in the browsing history, or find out that she had 3 email addresses that you never knew about that came up in the search engine history, or find password protected files on your own computer, or you pick up an alternative sim card from the sofa when cleaning, or you find a strange mobile phone in the glove box of her car with one number on it and a text saying "call me darling xxx"

Get my drift?

These are all things mumsnetters have come into relationship section to discuss because they have found them accidentally or seen a change in behaviour.

Then people usually tell them to look for evidence.

Mainly to protect themselves, find out for themselves and give them the advantage of knowledge to make life changing decisions.

Her phone is password protected, which always seems sensible to me, so that if she loses it, nobody can make calls on it if they find it. Browsing history is always cleared automatically.

If I found a strange mobile like that, I would ask her about it directly. If I didn't believe her, then perhaps I would ask to see her e-mails, and if she said no, well, who knows? But I wouldn't read them first, as I don't think that is acceptable.

Naturally I can see the advantage in snooping and finding information if you are being cheated on. I am presuming that there are also plenty of cases where one partner snoops, and doesn't find anything, as there wasn't anything to find. But most of those won't make it onto the forum.

I read my husband's texts and he reads mine if our phones are laying around, but out of nosiness not out of jealousy or distrust. I would read his emails if they weren't so boring!

It's what you're looking for and why you're looking that makes it an issue, I don't see anything wrong with nosy snooping if the other party doesn't mind.

It's nice that you have an even relationship that you can ask about these things directly.

A lot of posters on here feel they have to do this behind their partners backs as they are about to lose everything, especially mums with young families who may have taken a career break.

And sadly it's cheating partners in a persons history that tend to manufacture a person into a state of mistrust so they feel they have to snoop to try and feel secure about their relationship.

I'm not saying it's right, just trying to explain why a lot of people do it.

I don't read my partners mails, and if I suspected anything I would ask him there and then to show me. If he said no, that probably would arouse suspicion in me.

I hated myself for snooping but I knew unless I had proof he would deny it. I hated him for feeling the need to snoop and I hated him even more when I knew my suspicions were correct.

I should also add that prior to this we had been together for 15 years and I had never snooped on him in that time and I had never felt the need. Suddenly (and as I posted on here) something wasn't right.

I'd be heartily pissed off if anyone, including a partner, was checking my e-mails. It's the equivalent of opening my letters or listening into my phone-calls and I would be really annoyed, not because I have anything to hide especially, but simply because I think they should respect my privacy. The converse applies, of course. If I really thought someone was lying to me they'd be out. I wouldn't stoop to snooping.

I'm guilty but discovered a two year affair! So no regrets at all.
Completely oblivious prior to this.
I thought from texts it was just an emotional relationship but he confessed to physical one

It's the perfect world to think that Cogito and is exactly how I felt for well over 14 years. When you realise you are in an EA relationship you are at the lowest point in your life your priorities change. My priorities were to protect myself and my children. As it was all my suspicions were realised. I'm not sure however what the situation would be if I had snooped and found nothing, but at the point I 'stooped' to snooping I think my relationship was on it's death throes.

I trusted my STBXH with my life, but one day an email came through from OW which suddenly disappeared. This was enough to arouse my suspicion as he was being guarded with his phone and I wasn't allowed to touch it any more. I looked at Facebook which had one chat record on it, flirty talk between him and OW which showed that they were texting behind her H's back (my H's best mate..)

I then looked at his online mobile itemised billing and discovered that he was texting her from 8am to bedtime, all day every day, 100 times a day. I was sick. He had already walked out on me then come back but instead of concentrating on us he was thinking about her. all messages between the two were deleted. He denied emailing her yet I found proof, one email that referred to more.

Snooping is entirely justified if they are deceiving you and cheating you. Her H is still mainly in the dark I think, while I am divorcing my H, who decided overnight that he no longer loved me, round about the same time be had been in contact with her.

I think in a lot of cases people only snoop because the suspicion is already there.

I don't know my partner's passwords, he doesn't know mine. I don't feel the need to know his. Would I give mine to him if he asked? Probably, it depends on the context. If he demanded to know in an intimidating manner like my ex did (which I can never in a million years imagine him doing, anyway) then no. I'd tell him to feck right off.

I think I'd feel slightly disgruntled if he looked through any of my accounts. I don't think I'd be angry, anything he'd find would mostly be messages from my mum, and a few fellow students discussing geology anyway :o if he went through them because he suspected anything, I'd probably be more angry with myself for making him feel he had to do it in the first place, actually.