Would you be annoyed at being snooped on?

[BadLad]

Or, as those in favour of CCTV cameras say, why worry if you have nothing to hide?

My e-mail, phone and facebook passwords are known to my partner. If she snooped I'd be disgruntled, rather than angry.

I don't know her passwords. Would probably get them if I asked, but have no reason to.

Just asking because I have read many threads where the OP has found out about a cheating partner by snooping. Obviously "you snooped on me" is a weak defence to "you cheated on me", but I am surprised how many people do it, and therefore I suppose think it's acceptable. I am presuming that plenty of people snoop, find nothing and therefore don't post about it.

It comes back to "privacy does not equal secrecy" doesn't it. The ex who read my diary loved to say he was a very private person - hearing this, now, puts all my nerves on high alert because why would you say that unless you're justifying secrecy?

I don't understand folks who protect their privacy from their partner; that's not privacy, it's secrecy. Their partner ought to be respecting boundaries, enough to not obsessively examine every move. With that, you want to feel secure that your partner could check your email for a date or a phone number, say, without reading the entire folder.

You want to share my life, you have to share yours too ... with respect.

I don't think you have to share everything with a partner. In fact, I think it's a big mistake. I can see why someone would feel tempted to open mails or check text messages if they have doubts about a partner. But I would say that, if you have doubts, you should ask them and judge them by their response rather than try to catch them out by going behind their back. The question was 'would you be annoyed?' and my answer is still 'yes'. It would say that I wasn't trusted or believed.

Cogito, if your partner looked on your phone to check when you had a certain appointment, say, would you call it snooping or not?

... asking you in case my boundaries need work in this area, btw. I wouldn't say I wanted to "share everything" with a partner. I would want "everything" to be available, but left alone out of ordinary respect. Maybe I'm being unrealistic?

I think it becomes "snooping" when you are looking for evidence, when the doubt is there.

Me and DH have shared calendars on our phones,so I might check his, instead of mine if his phone is closer IYSWIM.

Also I read and reply to his texts and emails if it's a business thing as we have a small business we run together as well as our own jobs. He does the same, reads and replys to texts, emails etc.

But he has never opened a personal email of mine, I've never opened his, I've seen him on FB and I know the password as its the same one he uses for everything, I've never logged on to his FB to read anything, same way he doesn't log into my mumsnet account to read what I've been writing.

But to be perfectly honest, if his behaviour changed to an extent that I thought he was having an affair, I probably would.

If my partner started messing with my phone without my permission I'd be as annoyed as if he started rooting in my handbag. It's basic courtesy to ask.

Ouch, Leverette :( Funny how the cheaters are the first to snoop, isn't it? Well, not funny, but ...

Thanks, Cogito and Tantrums. I think I'm more like you, Tantrums, and probably need to give some thought to this specific issue. Useful question, OP :)

namechanged for this.
A few years ago, dh had MH problems. He decided I was cheating as well as being a member of M15, the IRA, and a couple of other organisations.
He put a keylogger on my computer account, decided that the unusable phone I had in a drawer with a broken screen and no SIM was my "secret phone" He went to hotels with the dc and asked security guards if I had been there with my "lovers" He rang a clinic, gave his and my name and asked what would need to be done to have our youngest child DNA tested for paternity.

He made his sister go through my phone records, check each phone call or text that had been made and explain what any unknown numbers were. A psychiatrist afterwards said that neither I nor his sister should have gone along with this. And it was very stressful because sometimes there would be the number of a garage where the car had been repaired or an electrician's mobile number and I honestly had to rack my brains to think what number it was.

He put mini ipod-type recording devices in my bag and in my coat pocket. I had a dreadful time trying to get him to a doctor and a psychiatrist because they prefer the person themselves to admit they have a problem. But he didn't think he was ill and thought I was trying to trick him into going to a psychiatrist.

I have never cheated and never will. I didn't deserve to be treated like that.

Eventually when we did get to the psychiatrist, he was told that while it's Ok to ask someone who texted, it is not OK to take their phone and go through it.

I often see threads where women are advised to snoop if they suspect an affair. And have to confess I am torn by the advice. Because I often wonder, what if the husband is not cheating and the wife is suffering from the same illness as dh.
Thankfully six weeks of medication did the job and he has never relapsed to the same extent again. But his behaviour at the time almost tore us apart.

As a kid, I remember being shown by my DM how to steam open and reseal an envelope. It was addressed to my Dad, nothing important or sensational, but she just couldn't stand not knowing the contents. Years later, I discovered that she'd done the same thing with a private letter from a boyfriend and it soured our relationship for quite some time. If there had been text messages in those days, she'd have probably been opening those. I felt then, as I do now, that some things are simply beyond the pale.

never :( Glad to hear you came through that.

My DH and i discuss this quite often (as he often asks what i'm reading and it's usually MN Relationships :))

We are both hugely jealous and suspicious people - yet neither would snoop on each others phones or emails. I think as many have already said we would be more likely to see a tell tale sign and challenge the other directly.

I can understand and empathise with the urge to snoop though.

I knew there was something going on with my stbx. he denied, denied, denied usual crap, told me I was crazy had trust issues etc. I 'snooped' as you put it and found out so much - it wasn't just who but how many and some paid for some for free. I recovered my sanity by finding out the truth. I wouldn't have done any 'snooping' if there was no suspicious behaviour on his part.

To those saying that they wouldnt snoop and would confront the person, what would you do if they denied it?

99 times out of 100, a cheating person will deny what they are doing, so what then? Mine denied it over and over, but I knew that something was going on. Snooping was the only way I found out. As it was, he was even more duplicitous that I had imagined he could be and had got a secret phone, which I only found by going through his pockets when he was in the bath.

If I hadnt done that then i would have had no idea.

Saying that you will simply deal with it face to face relies on the other person admitting their guilt, and cheaters arent known for their ability to be honest.

Well said, bogeyface.

"Mine denied it over and over, but I knew that something was going on"

If you know they're lying, you kick them to the kerb. You don't need proof.

I 'snooped'. I looked at dh's texts. The fact that he hadn't bothered to delete them inspite of OW telling him he should is testament to my previous utter trust of him. But I was getting too many signs and felt too uneasy and thanks to MN I snooped. Thank god I did. His relationship with ow had supposedly ended but the texts indicated otherwise and I suspect if I hadn't found them it would have carried on much the same and slowly sucked the life out of our marriage whole I desperately tried to work out why.

I have never done anything like that before and hopefully never will again but at the time it was the only thing I could do. Trust is what matters, not the freedom from snooping. I think you should be more concerned about building that in a relationship than guarding your privacy.

As for knowing that someone is lying being enough to end acrelationship even without proof, it's precisely the not knowing that is the killer. Someone you have previously loved and trusted utterly denies that anything I'd going on you have no way of being certain whether they are telling the truth or not. Just a gut feeling. And for normally rational people a gut feeling isn't enough to take any drastic steps.

The not knowing but being sure is enough to end the relationship because it isn't the cheating that matters it is the trust. If you know something is going on and you don't trust them then that is enough for the relationship to be over.

Exactly. Maybe, as a last resort, you'd check e-mails and things but I would say that, if a relationship has hit those depths, it's pretty much over whatever you do or don't find out.

DH could snoop me, I'm sure he'd find some things that would make him feel bad because you do when you snoop in private stuff. I don't think any of the things he'd find would be very surprising or that I'd be particularly ashamed. I'm a private but honest person, I like to have privacy but I'm not protective over it. I'd be worried about what had led him to break the privacy though. Worried about why he was feeling like he needed reassurance.

IME snooping doesn't provide answers just more questions.

In real life it is hard not to get carried away with looking for proof and actually realise that what you believe and feel is more important though. Suspect most people are drawn to it but I think it rarely helps, except with torturing yourself.

I don't think it's as black and white as that.

Snooping is wrong.If She's cheating, i don't want to know.
really.

So everytime you suspect someone of lying, you should end the relationship?!

I think that you are being far too simplistic.

We both know each others passwords for phones & emails. I would say my DH reads my phone & messages more than I read his, but it's done out of curiosity over what I've been chatting about with friends and family (most of which I do tell him about) rather than snooping. It does mildly annoy me when he does it when I'm around, I'd actually much prefer it if he did it whilst I was out of the room! But he gets offended if I get annoyed, and I'm not hiding anything so I let it go.

The only time its a big pain is when I'm trying to organise birthday surprises with his friends, I have to go out of my way to delete everything!!

There is total trust here, it's just nosyness!