complicated other baby mother situation

[icecold]

This is on behalf of a friend....

her husband slept with someone else and the result is a child who is less than a year younger (or older, I forget) than her own second child. Her husband told the OW that he was married in the hospital after she had given birth, he did this so that she would not choose to have a termination

He told my friend about his infidelity and the child some years later when she was pregnant with their 3rd baby. he told her because the OW had contacted him and said that he was allowed contact with their daughter. She had previously not allowed contact.

My friend chose to stay with him. He went to visit his child weekly for a few hours with the OW, as she wouldnt allow unsupervised contact. She has over the last 4-5 years intermittently stopped and started contact.

My riend and her husband now have 5 children. 'D'H has told their children about their half sister and they have started to go with him to visit; not to the house, but as I understand the OW now allows unsupervised contact. However, she will not allow her dd to meet or have any contact with my friend, she is not allowed to their house.

This means that every week for a couple of hours on a Sunday, my friend's DH and their children go off without her, pick up the half-sister and go for a day out/trip/whatever. She is upset that she is being excluded from her own family in this way. I think it is completely out of order. Isnt it? Surely the child has much to gain from being welcomed into her fathers home and his family?? And I dont think it would be unreasonable of her to insist that she be included/child visit their home? She says that OW will not allow it and it may jepodise her husbands access....

we were discussing it last night; she is upset, it is driving a wedge between them. I advised that she contact the OW and maybe then she will feel more comfortable about her dd meeting her. So far OW has refused to meet her. I said she should post a note through her door and then knock the door when she has had time to digest...

Any experiences/advise/insight greatly appreciated

Hmm, she might consider asking her h to go for access through the courts or mediation, instead of this odd arrangement.

The ex doesn't have to meet your friend if she doesn't want to or have anything to do with her. It's the h your friend needs to start being treated properly by.

i agree, this has come about because of his shocking treatment of her

I also agree that OW doesnt have to have anything to do with her. But thought that contact might put OWs mind at rest; that she is not going to take any hard feelings out on her dd--in fact there are no hard feelings towards OW...?

Courts/mediation...hmmm...i think husband is scared of rocking the boat, and being denied access again....would court look favourably on him? court cant force OW to allow her child to have contact with friend??

It seems bizarre I think, that she allows access of father and kids, but excludes the wife/mother....she has no reason to be cross with my friend....she has every reason to be cross with him. She is obviously looking beyond her anger at him...what is she holding against her????

I can't imagine being in her situation but I know I would have ended the relationship if someone had another child whilst they were with me.

I wonder whether the relationship is still ongoing and that's why the OW is so wary of meeting her.

its as if my friend was the other woman...you could understand the animosity then

but even if this was the case...Ive never heard before that children are not allowed to see their dads new partners/OW in the long term....

me and my xh have split up. I dread the day he gets a girlfriend and my kids are introduced to her...but i shant try and exclude her from their lives. I would want to meet her

I don't have experience of this, but if I was the husband, I would start looking into his rights as a father and get a view on what his entitlements are likely to be regarding access if he took it further
At the moment they are both at the mercy of the OW, who to be fair has been treated terribly by the husband, but for the child's sake proper access should be put in place to avoid any future problems

imperial equally me

the relationship with OW is definitely over

do fathers get access rights if they are not named on the birth certificate?

To her, your friend was the other woman. She didn't know he was married until after.

but she wouldnt have the same feelings now about her, as if she was the other woman....my friend has not 'wrecked her marriage', 'stolen her husband' etc etc

OW cant have had too much invested in relationship with friends DH--seeing as he never spent the night with her/ she had never been to his house etc etc...i think it was a short relationship

Jesus, that is one evil cunt your friend us married to.

Any solution to this has to involve getting her away from him.

What an absolute bastard.

And your friend has gone on to have more children with him?

And the poor "OW".

is she sure it´s the "OW" & not the husband who is driving this?

Because tbh, I could never believe another thing that he said to me.

afish I wouldnt behave like this OW/ your friend because it is causing unnecessary stress/suffering/unhappiness etc etc to other people which is completely avaoidable and most importantly THERE ARE CHILDREN INVOLVED

The only way I can rationalise it, is the OW thinks she is protecting her dd from my friend...anything other than that, then she is out of line IMO

athing as yet, that isnt going to happen. I think, its been close to happening in the past. But at the moment-no

diddl good point. Not sure how we/she could establish that. But asking him to get legal advise might give an indication? his reaction to that i mean. He doesnt actually seem to care that she feels left out/upset etc IMO

Sometimes people have a lot of anger inside themselves but don't dare, or don't want to, let it out against the person who they are legitimately angry with. Look how many cheated-on women post here who are absolutely livid with "that harpy who shagged my husband", but not with the husband who didn't exactly put up a fight and may even be the biggest liar in the case. With this one, the OW wants her child to have a father in her life, so she has to direct the anger somewhere, and that rotten woman who held onto him is a prime candidate for the blame. Plus, who knows what the bastard husband told her about the dreadful wife he didn't dare leave in case she never let him see his kids again etc etc (and then went on to have three more with her). Not saying this is definitely how it happened, but it wouldn't be surprising.

The husband is to blame for this, not the OW.

it doesnt really matter who is to blame, in terms of making it as good a situation as possible now and for the future

I dont disagree, but I still think the OW is acting unfairly

It is an utterly appalling situation.

To take all his children out every Sunday and ban the mother of 5 of them from coming takes a cruel and nasty bastard.

The best thing your friend can do is insist that her children are not taken out every Sunday without her.

But given that she stayed with a man who deliberately engineered two families and doesn't give a shit about how that affects his wife, she must be pretty submissive to him.

Those poor, poor children.

she just wants what is best for the kids

he told them...so she doesnt want to deprive them of seeing their half-sister

before her kids knew, he used to go on his own. I dont think she felt any better about that

Its a horrid situation

Is the "OW" also going-or would one of the 5 children have mentioned it?

This male goes out every Saturday-willingly-with 6 children??!!

If he didn't tell the OW that he was married until after the baby was born the the OW was never an OW, in her eyes. YEs to your friend she was a potential homewrecker but the OW, from what you have put, was an innocent party in it all.
She is acting unfairly but she is acting how many mothers act towards the new girlfriend.

I agree the DH has behaved pretty badly and should make more of an effort to include the wife but ultimately it will be down to the OW whether the wife can see her child. Maybe the DH could seek legal advice but does he want to threaten contact

didl

her kids are smart....they are very upfront with her. The OW has been, but only once i think. Usually he takes them-5 not 6 (baby doesnt go)

hes good with the kids, very capable. They are good kids too

but debs my friend fully accepts OW is innocent-she holds no bad feelings towards her

The OW is being a bit unreasonable, but probably stems from resistance at another woman 'mothering' her child and them all 'playing happy families' together as she perceives it, or maybe she worries about how her little girl would be treated by your friend. Has he communicated with the OW what the arrangements would be? How her dd would be treated? Offered for your friend, who appears willing, to meet OW if that would reassure OW?

The H is presumably paying maintenance? Is he named on the bc? If so, and he gets no joy from the softly-softly approach, he ought to put access on more formal footing. There is a whole extended family awaiting that little girl.

But since he made this mess he ought to be the one that sorts it out.

I see that OP, I meant that the OW maybe feels that the wife is the OW so she has bad feeling towards the wife. My post might read a bit confusing but basically the wife and the OW have had their roles reversed, does that make sense?

So the OW and her husband go out on family trips together every sunday and your friend is banned?

I hope you're friend removes the neon sign from her head saying 'mug' soon, bless her she deserves so much better.

I agree in the beginning the OW did nothing wrong. but shes behaving like a cunt now and frankly taking liberties as is her not so dear husband.