complicated other baby mother situation

[icecold]

This is on behalf of a friend....

her husband slept with someone else and the result is a child who is less than a year younger (or older, I forget) than her own second child. Her husband told the OW that he was married in the hospital after she had given birth, he did this so that she would not choose to have a termination

He told my friend about his infidelity and the child some years later when she was pregnant with their 3rd baby. he told her because the OW had contacted him and said that he was allowed contact with their daughter. She had previously not allowed contact.

My friend chose to stay with him. He went to visit his child weekly for a few hours with the OW, as she wouldnt allow unsupervised contact. She has over the last 4-5 years intermittently stopped and started contact.

My riend and her husband now have 5 children. 'D'H has told their children about their half sister and they have started to go with him to visit; not to the house, but as I understand the OW now allows unsupervised contact. However, she will not allow her dd to meet or have any contact with my friend, she is not allowed to their house.

This means that every week for a couple of hours on a Sunday, my friend's DH and their children go off without her, pick up the half-sister and go for a day out/trip/whatever. She is upset that she is being excluded from her own family in this way. I think it is completely out of order. Isnt it? Surely the child has much to gain from being welcomed into her fathers home and his family?? And I dont think it would be unreasonable of her to insist that she be included/child visit their home? She says that OW will not allow it and it may jepodise her husbands access....

we were discussing it last night; she is upset, it is driving a wedge between them. I advised that she contact the OW and maybe then she will feel more comfortable about her dd meeting her. So far OW has refused to meet her. I said she should post a note through her door and then knock the door when she has had time to digest...

Any experiences/advise/insight greatly appreciated

See, I have the impression that his relationship with the OW wasn't much more than a one-night stand, that the pregnancy was an accident. I hadn't imagined that is was in a relationship with her all the way up until the birth.

I was only recently told that he told her he was married in the hospital. I haven't really computed that yet. It changes everything doesn't it....he must have been in some kind of relationship with her all that time huh

But, she has known for the last 8 years, about his wife and kids.

Anyway.....that's besides the point really. Will never know. Not my business

It's possibly easier to spend time with his daughter WITH all the other kids along otherwise filling an afternoon with the child could be a bit stilted or it could be boring for her on her own with her dad. So is that partly why he takes the others along too.

Am amazed that he would take 6 kids out. Has he done it for long, might the novelty wear off, does he just go to the park and leave them all to amuse themselves?

Perhaps she should spy on him to see if OW is there. Perhaps she should get him to take baby too so she can have afternoon off. What are there ages, perhaps soon the older ones will rebel at being stuck playing with the younger ones all afternoon.

It just seems an unlikely scenario to me, I wouldn't want to amuse 6 kids every sunday outside their home. Where do they go if it rains?

Can we have more info please?

I think he has been taking them all, for around 6 months

I don't know what they do. Same as any of us would do I presume- park/zoo/museum/softplay etc etc

Thinking about it - does the wife enable this arrangement eg Rushes lunch for everyone so they can then go out, is waiting for them all to return then puts tea on the table. Perhaps she could be a bit less amenable, say, arrange a day out for herself and baby at a friend's/relatve's leaving 'd'H to do everything. By the time he has 6 kids dressed, fed, and out , amused them for an afternoon, returned them all home, fed them, got them ready for bed, I would think the novelty would wane.

Same as any of us would do I presume- park/zoo/museum/softplay etc etc

I remember my kids groaning loudly whenever we mentioned teh Natural His Museum, they'd been so often. They will surely start to get bored with the same thing, and can 8-9 year olds play in soft play? I thought it was for toddlers.

Well if the kids all enjoy it, and presuming that as some of them get towards teens they will rebel, so this will not go on indefinitely, perhaps the wife should just put up with it and take the chance to get out on her own (with baby - who will also sooner or later be old enough to join others)

He cooks/feeds the kids. He's great with the children; it is not a novelty, that will wear off for him. He adored his kids

But, yes, I expect things will change as they grow

This ended badly in Desperate Housewives, didn't it?

Sorry for your friend, OP, but maybe she should see if she can contact the other mother directly?

did it? i dont know. i dont watch it, its shite.

I admit I skipped some of the thread, so perhaps missed an obvious explanation, but...

Your friend's DH takes 5 kids out every Saturday, leaving your friend home with just the baby and presumably leaving the OW a few hours to do her own thing. Your friend's children say the OW is not coming along, too. So he is just plain taking his children out of a Saturday, giving the mothers a break.

I'm not clear what the problem is. I mean, I see that he's a wanker and she should have left him ages ago, but in this particular scenario....

He's giving her a day off. Tell her to use to find a better husband.