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Original poster

If you are a SAHM do you.....

80 replies

angelp · 07/03/2006 09:01

cook the meals do cleaning, washing and shopping etc? Or do you share the chores?
I am a SAHM and am quite happy to cook the evening meal every day. I do it during the day also put the washing machine on and do the odd bit of ironing. We do have a cleaner because neither of us like cleaning but as I am at home with one DD I don't mind doing the other stuff at all. Reading some of the posts on MN makes me wonder what others do. Some people seem to say No Way would they do all that and DP does half of everything as childcare is full time job too. To be honest I probably spend half an hour to an hour a day doing 'chores' the rest of the time I have to spend with DD. I feel I am the one who gets off lightly because I can do what I want when I want most of the day - parks, coffee out, swimming, play centres. Hardly a tough life. When my DH gets back from work he is tired and it seems silly to 'make' him do his share of the cooking or whatever just to ake sure we are equals. What does anyone else do in this situation? Would I feel differently if I had more children? TO be honest DD (2.5) is a very good, easy and contented child

OP posts:

GDG · 07/03/2006 11:42

I'm not saying it is easy - of course it isn't - it's just easier in comparison (no sibling conflict, only getting one in and out of car) - I think it's more physically draining dealing with 3 that's all. Dh had ds2 and ds3 this morning while I took ds1 to school - it was raining but it was like a holiday taking just him rather than him plus one in a buggy (screaming cos the raincover is on) and one crying on a buggy board!

OTOH, I guess you might have to spend more time 'entertaining' one so less time for housework - mine play together and it does take the pressure off me sometimes giving me time to get on with something

Heathcliffscathy · 07/03/2006 11:44

i wasn't making a massively defensive point (i hope) just saying that i didn't find it a doddle, especially when i was at home full time...but of course it's harder with three especially physically...:)

puff · 07/03/2006 11:45

I do most of the household chores. Dh has sole charge of the dishwasher and bins. I send his clothes out for ironing.

He's very good on the DIY front - does loads of things which many people get companies in to do and generally gets on with them.

I'd like him to do more cooking, but it's no big deal.

We've started discussing how our roles in the house will change when I go back to work and we'll re-divide responsibilities.

Hausfrau · 07/03/2006 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puddle · 07/03/2006 11:46

My dh is a SAHD two days a week, I work from home two days a week.

On both our days at home the expectation is that the one at home:

sorts out the evening meal and packed lunches for next day
does washing and gets it dry
does general tidying up eg kitchen floor swept, surfaces wiped, dishwasher loaded, things picked up and put away
makes sure we have eg milk bread etc

When we are both at home or at work, jobs are mostly shared. I do all the ironing but dp does all the house maintenance, puts bins and recycling out etc.

We have a cleaner two hours a week too.

Pollyanna · 07/03/2006 11:48

Me and dh have recently had this discussion. I do everything during the day - washing, cleaning, putting clothes away and cooking for the children. dh comes home after 7 every night. I don't usually cook for him. He seriously thinks that I should continue in the evening with the washing/emptying dishwasher/making packed lunches/ironing etc as "this is my job".

I might use this thread as ammunition and say that not everyone does the tasks during the day, let alone evening. (and I have 4 children under 7)

Pollyanna · 07/03/2006 11:51

I kind of think it's fair to do household jobs during the day when you're at home actually. My house would be an absolute disorganised tip if I waited until dh gets home (and I am too knackered in the evenings to do much anyway) and no jobs are kept for dh apart from emptying the cat litter.

Bozza · 07/03/2006 11:59

But gdg your DS1 is at school now so for most of the day you only have two which IME is quite manageable for coffee etc. And you are right, DD trails around after me while I am doing the housework, tries to help me clean the toilet etc which can get a bit frustrating. But quite often she is like that even when DS is here. He had a friend round for tea and she really wanted to be in DS's bedroom with them but wanted me to be there as well which of course wasn't what they wanted. Oh and she hates the rain cover as well.

GDG · 07/03/2006 12:00

PA - I do do most of the jobs but if you are in all day you end up tidying and washing up more than once! And bath, bed etc is when both partners are in so why should one do it while the other puts their feet up? A SAHP day does not end at 6pm or whatever, so why should that be the case for the WOHP? If both partners chip in with the evening tasks - the sooner they can both sit down and spend time together. Not ideal if one sits in front of the TV while the other carries on with umpteen chores!

Bozza · 07/03/2006 12:02

I think do a "reasonable" amount during the day and then share what remains in the evening.

GDG · 07/03/2006 12:04

Bozza - I see your point but I'm most often working in ds3's nap time so when they are awake I'm either doing stuff with them or washing, cleaning etc. Also, ds3 would run riot in a coffee shop! He's 18 months old and not into being strapped into a highchair - it's just not something I'd do with him and a 3 yr old on top - too stressful!

GDG · 07/03/2006 12:05

Anyway, horses for courses and all that. Luckily, my dh has spent his fair share of days looking after the boys while I'm working and is under no illusion - he knows it is exhausting and has no problem helping out wherever he can. He openly admits he'd rather be at work than doing my job.

Bozza · 07/03/2006 12:19

I agree about horses for courses because I regularly and happily take my two to a garden centre cafe or whatever for a drink and a cake on a Saturday while DH is playing golf and DD is only a few months older than your DS3 and she thinks it is great - you know, flirting with old ladies and smearing herself in chocolate cake.

Greensleeves · 07/03/2006 13:27

I have a 3.5yo and a 17mo and if I couldn't tog them up and take them out to a cafe/play area/mooch around the park sometimes I would go stir crazy. I find it marginally less stressful feeding them lunch in a cafe than I do at home. It can be difficult managing their behaviour, all kids are like that - but at least someone else cooks/wipes up after them, and it's a nice change. I would do it more often if I could afford to.

I do most of the housework (such as it is) and I've got better and faster at it with practice, although I still universally loathe all house-related activities. The only thing I duck out of - DH does more than me, but not all - is ironing. I loathe it and he finds it relaxing. I do virtually all the cooking and all kids' meals.

At weekends we do things pretty much equally, but he will jump in and do things like dirty nappies/spillages/washing up, because he is lovely:)

Pollyanna · 07/03/2006 13:36

I agree GDG - you do end up clearing up all day repeatedly doing the same things over and over, but I don't hold anything off until the evening. I also agree that in the evening (although after bed/bathtime in my case as dh doesn't get home until they are all in bed), both parties should do the jobs. However, my dh doesn't agree - he thinks it is my job all the time, even if (presumably) he is sitting down in the evening.

Piffle · 07/03/2006 13:39

I do it all pretty much
DP will load dishwasher when he's there (he works away 2-3 nights a week)and clear up after tea.
At weekends he will help out, hoover if needed etc and he is happy to cook on the odd night. He used to bath dd every night but now he works away and evn when he works nearby hes not home in time.
I don't really mind tbh, I don't find it hard work - I do feel happy with the balance :) DP works really hard and I do a lot when he's at work so we can relax when he is here.

pooka · 07/03/2006 13:56

I do all the washing. Fold most things but dh will attack a pile of clean washing if it's in front of him. Ironing goes to the ironing shop. I do all the cleaning. dh loads/empties the dishwasher as and when he's around and it needs doing.
He does all the filing and paperwork. Sorts bills etc. Takes rubbish out (more often than not).
I do all the decorating and TBH enjoy the weekend clean as dh takes care of the children and I get some time to think and daydream while doing it.
I do all the cooking.
TBH there is never a time when I'm scooting around that dh isn't occupied, usually with the kids (dd 2.5 and ds 6m). So I think it's a fairly equal division of labour.

Original poster

angelp · 07/03/2006 14:42

I reckon as long as you are happy doing whatever you do then anything goes. In general I am more than happy to do all that I do - usually I do everything during the day so evenings DH and I both sit down and do very little. However there are times when I am still getting dinner ready and he is home sitting down and I do resent that. Think maybe I need to have a little word about that....even if he comes into kitchen with glass wine as someone said and keeps me company. I don't mind doing most things but equally I don't want him to expect it. Especially as he still expects it at weekends because he is 'tired after a busy week'!

OP posts:

harrisey · 07/03/2006 15:43

I'm a sahm with 1 dd at school, 1 ds in nursery mornings and a dd who is 2 and home full time.
We have a cleaner as we both hate cleaning but otherwise I do most of the washing, (never iron!), tidying up, endless putting away of clothes, and cook about 2/3 of the time. I try to do as much as poss while dd potters around in the morning so I have some time alone with her in the morning and then when she naps in the afternoon I get and hour or two alone with ds. I try to have cooking done before dd gets in on the bus (we live in a rural area so at least I dont have to do pickups!) so I can do her homework etc before dh gets home.
Once he is home we are in it together for the rest of the evening. He tends to do dishes etc and we share bedtime for the kids. We had a bit of a to-do a few months back about him coming and immediately reading the paper so he doesn't do that now! He is more pernickety about tidiness than me so often will potter round tidying up toys that I just step over! Weekends are a joint effort all round, though he is on call one weekend in three so it tends to depend on how sick people are - he does less round the house in the winter as he is out more!

harrisey · 07/03/2006 15:45

when I say I can do my dd1's homework I mean I can help HER do her homework! I'm not that obsessive!

Mum2OneAndOneMore · 07/03/2006 15:49

I am a SAHM & i do all the household chores throughout the week & look after ds who is 3.6 & dd who is 6 weeks, Dp works hard through the week & is shattered when he arrives home, he does bath & put Ds to bed though & also helps with Dd. At weekends we share most chores

harrisey · 07/03/2006 15:52

of course no-one has yet mentioned their mumsnet time!

Nbg · 07/03/2006 16:01

As much as it kills me inside to admit this, I think that I should do all the things mentioned in the original post.
I don't know what everyone else has said but I don't think everyone will agree with me.

Dh works alot involving nights away from home and sometimes long hours so I wouldn't expect him to come home from work and cook dinner or do any other chores. If he's back a decent time he'll share a bath with dd because she loves that and he'll sort the dog out.

Childcare is a full time job but at the same time I don't spend every waking moment with dd. She likes to do her own thing sometimes, be it watching a bit of tv, drawing, looking at books, playing and sometimes she naps. So when that time is added up, alot of the jobs can be done then.
It was my decision to be a SAHM, dh was happy with whatever I decided to do but my choice was to be at home until dd starts school. We agreed between us that this would involve looking after the house too.

desperateSCOUSEwife · 07/03/2006 16:14

dh only gets ds2 bathed and up and down stairs as I cannot lift him
I do the job lot as dh works nights and long hours
he will go to shops on weekend though and pick-up some bits

pooka · 07/03/2006 16:53

Of course I SAY I'm doing the cleaning/childcare. Of course I'm on mumsnet instead!

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