Long-term poster, have seen the excellent advice given on this board and just posting for a bit of help.
It could be that I'm just tired and being a bit spoilt and me-me-me which I often tell myself but I'm at the end of my tether with my current situation.
I don't know where to start really. I have two dc aged almost three and almost one who are beautiful but also demanding. I live with my partner and we have a wedding booked for next summer.
He owns the house and is doing considerable work to it to make it bigger. It has been a bit of a wreck for a while as there is just so much to do so housewoek is ridiculous with the dust and building stuff and it constantly looks a mess.
We have the two children and he has dogs who just add to the general work and mess. I could do housework all day and night and still be ashamed at the state of my home. I know it is a temporary thing and it will be great when finished etc but it's like shovelling in the proverbial snow storm at the moment and has been since before the youngest was born. I worry about what people think when they come over.
My partner works long hours, usually seven days per week. He leaves before I wake up and returns just before the children go to bed, needing a shower and dinner just as I'm reaching the bedtime routine. That time of day is a nightmare for me. Recently he has been working on out house late into the night / whenever he gets a day off too.
I had almost two years off on maternity leave during which I suffered from horrible anxiety which seems to have gone now. I got to the point where I felt I just couldn't carry on anymore and was actually losing my mind but I just had to carry on as normal with the children as he cannot compromise on his work. I felt at breaking point every single day for a while, I was just so tired and lonely and angry with the way my life turned out.
I have a degree and was working in my first "job for a year" role when I got pregnant. It was good enough, I enjoyed it but five years later I am still there, part time, feeling a failure, my wages being swallowed by childcare so I am constantly skint. He earns good money but all finances are separate and he pays mortgage, bills etc so effectively keeps me.
Since my money situation has been this way I have been spending at random times on eBay, just little purchases here and there for myself snd the kids fot Christmas, which I can't afford and isn't like me, I am normally very sensible with money.
I know he has to work. He is a great provider, very successful and we have a brand new car, wedding expenses and the work on our house to pay for . I knew it would be like this and i do appreciate what he does does for us but I just feel so alone. Everything to do with the children and house falls on me and I feel too fragile for the responsibility. My two year old has a speech delay and refuses to potty train and I feel a failure for this too.
If I talk to him he is understanding but says there is nothing he can do as we need to pay for these things and he is right.
His last relationship broke down because of his working all the time so this isn't a new thing for him, he has always been the same. He enjoys his work as the money it affords and now we have children I feel it is sometimes an excuse do him to work more.
I used to have a life and friends but as I have the children with me seven days per week when I'm not in work myself I struggle to find time to do anything. I find myself feeling resentful when he nips to the shops or to see family because I never get the chance to do anything by myself without the children which I pathetic. I'm their mother!
I can't drive although I am learning and have afore-mentioned shiny car to drive once I pass my test (failed once) which I am thankful for, honestly. I just can't get anywhere not within walking distance with the children unless a family member offers or it is a rare day he is off.
Perhaps I am just feeling a failure due to my own circumstances and taking it out on him. I'm sure this reads very rambling and "poor me". I'm just so unhappy.
He isn't a bad guy, we used to have so much fun but now I almost feel like leaving just so I'm not expecting any help so can't be angry when it doesn't materialise iyswim.
I went up to bed early last night leaving him with the baby and I know he is annoyed at me because he won't answer the phone to me today. He'll just say he is busy. The children have a birthday party To go to this afternoon which I can't get them to without a car. I know he won't be home in time.
His family are great with the children and have them overnight etc when we h e plans with friends (usually his, I often don't have the money/inclination to go out much with mine) but my family aren't great wrt babysitting so I feel guilty suggesting time out together as it usually falls on his family to babysit and him to pay.
I just feel rubbish. I want to take the dcs to my parents/ a hotel tonight just to make him realise I'm serious about this being a problem. I'm so tired and alone.
Sorry this is so long and disorganised.