DP 'doesn't fancy me' - Advice Needed

[TheLittleMonster]

I've been lurking around here for a while, but never really posted for advice before. I'm not exactly the Mumsnet demographic, what with being 18 and childless, but please bear with me, as I'd like to draw on your experience please!

Two weeks ago I moved in with my boyfriend of a year. It's supposedly a temporary solution, and was pretty much unavoidable as I had pretty much nowhere else to go (family breakup). Up until now we've had a long-distance relationship, which was working out really well.

He really is pretty great. He is caring, he likes to do similar things to me, he's patient and sweet and loving. However, last night he told me that he doesn't fancy me at the moment, and doesn't want to have sex with me. We had sex on Saturday, so this was quite an unexpected thing to hear! I asked him about this, and he said he felt like this a little bit last week, then was OK at the weekend, and now feels like it again.

I asked him what he felt was causing it, and he said he didn't know, but that maybe it was to do with having spent much more time with me than usual for us. He also suggested that he was tired, or perhaps coming down with something. I was quite upset and he spent a lot of time reiterating that he does still love me, care about me etc.

I suggested my trying to find somewhere else to stay, or sleeping in the spare room (which I'm 'officially' renting), but he wasn't keen on either of those ideas, as he likes having me around and close to him. When I asked him whether I thought it was a temporary thing, he said he wasn't sure . I asked him what he thought we should do, and he couldn't really suggest anything. He doesn't appear to want to split up, but neither does he seem optimistic about the sex thing.

Just so's not to drip-feed, he's 32. It's not an issue in the relationship at large, but I do wonder whether it's got a role to play here perhaps?

So, what I'm asking, O Wise Women (and men) of Mumsnet, is do you have any experience of this sort of situation? Have you got any ideas about how it can be addressed? If you have experienced this sort of thing, did it work out OK, or did it spell The End? HELP ME PLEASE! Thanks so much if you've got this far. I'd really appreciate your advice.

If sex wasn't a problem on Saturday it hardly means he isn't capable of having sex with you.

The question is (whatever his reasons for saying this) 'do you want to be in this relationship without sex?'
If not, time to move on. I wouldn't try to analyse him.

Not wanting sex for a few days is not unusual in a long-term relationship. But 'I don't fancy you any more', especially delivered straight after having sex, is a pretty nasty thing to say to someone. To back that up with expressions of love is very cruel in an 'I don't know if I want you but I'm going to keep you close rather than let you be happy with someone else' kind of way.

It's pretty odd. TBH, at 18, I wouldn't be wasting my time on a man that couldn't make his mind up whether he found me attractive.

To me, your situation has a few warning signs.

He is significantly older than you - I get that you have stuff in common, but your 18 to his 32 is unusual. Has he had long term relationships previously? Does he have kids?

He has said that he doesn't want you to move out. You said you have moved in with him when your options for living elsewhere were few. He says he doesn't fancy you. Ask yourself what is in this relationship for him? Why would he want his (fairly part-time, long distance) girlfriend to live with him, when he doesn't even fancy her? To me, there are a few red flags there to indicate a controlling/manipulative personality. At the very least, I think you have found yourself at the shit end of a fairly unequal relationship now.

Moving in together should be an exciting, happy time for both people. I think you should find somewhere else to live, and see how your relationship develops with the benefit of a bit of distance between you.

Ohhh you shouldn't be living with him!

You should be living with other people your own age. 32 is far too old for you at 18 - sorry, but those extra 14 years make a hell of a difference.

Are you at university or at work? Either way, start to look for shared flats with lots of people, male and female, so that you get a good social life.

What's your relationship like in other ways? How are you splitting bills and who does what regarding housework?

Sweetheart, please do not rely on this man.

He is significantly older than you, and you are in a vulnerable position, due to being so young, and away from your family of origin due to the family breakup you mention.

He is cruel to you: that's what telling someone you are sleeping with outright that you "don't fancy" them, but still expect them to stick around. Cruelty.

Please don't stick around for this wanker. You deserve much, much better.

Do you want to tell us more about the family circumstances that mean you have moved in with your boyfriend?

Thanks for your responses guys, I really appreciate it.
The living arrangements are temporary in theory, whilst I find a job and a flatshare around here. I'm currently paying a very small amount of rent, and splitting the bills 3 ways (he rents the house with his brother), but this arrangement is supposed to be stopping in September, when a new guy moves into the spare room (this was arranged before I found myself in need of somewhere to stay). Housework-wise it's fairly equal between the three of us, although I do find myself doing a lot whilst he and his brother are at work.

He hasn't had any long-term relationships, really. He had one girlfriend when he was much younger, and that lasted for just under a year. So I'm wondering if maybe he's just struggling to relate to me? Lack of experience, perhaps? I could be kidding myself, though.

He really has been a model boyfriend until now. I know the age-gap thing seems pretty dodgy, but we met through a shared hobby where there are quite a few similar couples. Through that we have a large shared group of friends. I'd say the relationship is pretty good, although it's hard to know what to judge that on, really.

The family break-up has been happening slowly for a couple of years, but I was living away form home for 6th form, so I never really felt the effects, or planned what was going to happen after I left college.

It seems you're all saying it's pretty bad, though. Is there any positive? Has anyone had a similar thing said and managed to work through it? Do you reckon it'd improve if we had some space? Thanks again for your help.

His behaviour is difficult, upsetting and confusing.
In a relationship which has gone from long distance to living together really it should be all soppy/fun/at it like rabbits at this stage I'd have thought!
Honestly? you are so young, you have so much fun and life that you could be doing, and having boyfriends who are fun and caring and all over you. How it should be.
I'm sorry but you asked and with the wealth of experience behind me I think this one sounds like one to put down to experience.
As imperial says are you working / at college? Do you have any other options for where to live?

xx

It's not good to be in a relationship where you are reliant on the other person to provide a home.

He would be all over you like a rash if you were renting a room somewhere else.

He may be unsure of his attraction because of the moving in under strained circumstances. He may feel like a crutch at the moment and perhaps does not want the relationship to move to a deeper level. I think you may be both looking for different things.

You should strive to maintain your independence.

Oh xposts!
I went out with a bloke for 7 years who was not interested in sex (he smoked too much weed) and we got on great and were really good friends but that side of it was never right and we lived together as well but in the end I managed to kick him out which took months.

It's hard to learn from the mistakes of others though!

Stick to the plan of getting a job and different place to live by the end of teh summer - and see how you feel about him. He doesn't sound like a great boyfriend at the mo.

what he said to you was really cruel and nasty

There is IMO something a bit fishy about someone who has got to 32 without having had a LTR with anyone.

I was in a brief relationship with similarities to your situation a few years ago and it ended really badly. He turned out to be controlling and manipulative. Your bf definately sounds the same. If he was genuine and had stopped finding you attractive he wouldnt want to stay together.

I know you have feelings for him but I think your gut instincts are screaming out at you here. Listen to them. You are so young, and you will meet a man who loves you and treats you right.

Ok, I think the key here is to separate the basics of the situation and his way of dealing with it/expressing it.

The 'not fancying you' actually only went on for a few days, which is perfectly normal in long-term relationships, especially when you live together. It can be hard to adjust though, as often, especially in long distance relationships, you tend to sleep together every time you see each other. It can feel weird when you move in and this stops. It is also perfectly normal for libido to reduce for a period of time either from tiredness or stress, or just because.

However I think alarm bells should be ringing over the way he phrased his feelings. Saying 'I don't fancy you' at the moment is very hurtful and derogatory, and implies that it has something to do with you when it's probably just him. He coule easily have said 'I just don't feel like it at the moment, I don't know why. I'm sorry'. Why did he say it the way he did? My guesses are either he's a bit immature, thoughtless and insensitive (not great signs), or he's in two minds about your relationship and wants to unburden to you without having the decency to give you anything definite, which is just plain childish and selfish, or he knows full well that his comment would make you feel insecure, paranoid and needy and he did it deliberately (ie he's an emotional abuser). I don't know enough about him or your relationship to make that judgment. I don't want to play on stereotypes but this combined with the fact that he's a lot older than you and you seem, due to circumanstances, dependent on him, would ring alarm bells for a lot of people.

I'm not going to say you shouldn't be with someone 14 years your senior. My DH is ten years older than me, and one of the best couples I know have a gap of several decades. But I think if you're going to be with an older man it should be with one who can really give you the benefits of maturity. It doesn't sound like this guy is giving you that.

You have rented the spare room and you should move into it. Slowly detatch yourself from this man. Why should he have sex with you when he doesn't fancy you--or only fancy you when he wants sex.
You have a bit of time to find new digs---get looking

"He hasn't had any long-term relationships, really. He had one girlfriend when he was much younger, and that lasted for just under a year. So I'm wondering if maybe he's just struggling to relate to me?"

A man that gets to 32 and hasn't had any long-term relationships is the sort that doesn't want a long-term relationship, don't be fooled. A 32 year-old that has more in common with an 18 year-old than women his own age is either immature and irresponsible or likes to be in control or both. Anyone can be a model boyfriend when they only meet up for dates or weekends whereas moving in together requires a serious dose of reality. And for a man who sees himself as a perpetual teen, a grown-up commitment like moving in is like a bucket of cold water. I believe 'I don't fancy you' means he wants you to leave of your own accord. The protests are just to make himself feel good... doesn't like to to be the bad-guy.

So get out there and find yourself a flatshare with other girls your age. Find a boyfriend that fancies you. Leave Mr Gently Pathetic to his doubts and the bachelor lifestyle he so clearly adores.

You've got the whole of your life ahead of you and no ties to this man, don't waste your time wondering about the whys and wherefores of what he's said.

(Personally I think his thinking is that you were OK when it was just dating/sex but he doesn't want to be tied down with a live-in partner, having never been in a LTR before, but just doesn't have the balls to end it himself so is making his behaviour as unattractive as he can in order to get you to do the dirty deed for him.)

That's largely irrelevant though, get out and enjoy your life, travel, be happily single or enjoy going out with lots of different people till you meet someone who will be really excited when you decide to live together.

Cogito - xposts, spot on, you said it much better than I did.

This reminds me of a thread on here recently - can anyone remember? - where the poster said her DH/P was constantly 'coming on' to her during the day and then never wanting to have sex with her later on when they got the chance. The odd time he did have sex with her he would only do it in 'spoons' position as it didnt involve eye contact or her being able to see him. He would always somehow make out this was all her fault for nagging, or whatever.

I think the general consensus was that he was being cruel and controlling and using sex as a weapon almost and to.. well sorry but.. 'leave the bastard'.

"Do you reckon it'd improve if we had some space?"

What I know with a fair amount of certainty is that it won't improve whilst you are living with him.

Also, what Cogito said - it is dodgy that he hasn't had long term relationships. He sounds immature and actually quite needy.

Please get yourself away from him and into housing elsewhere as soon as you can. I think your self-esteem will be eroded very quickly by this man-child if you don't get away soon.

This arrangement sounds joyless. And, at 18, you are allowed to go in search of joy. I'm with everyone who says go and find a flatshare and have FUN.

Hmmm, does you OH have learning difficulties? It sounds to me like he doesn't know how to express himself. He wasn't in the mood for sex for a few days so interpreted that as not fancying you, instead of just not being in the mood. Also, has only had one other relationship. I work with vulnerable adults and a lot of them have little experience of relationships, and I could imagine would express themselves the way your OH has. If he doesn't, then he sounds awful and I would definitely avoid.

A couple of things:

1. Is it really odd not to have had more than one long-term relationship aged 32 these days? I certainly had only had one by that age and that was quite short, and then settled down with my husband in my early thirties.

1. All those people saying living together should be fun and joyous, well, yes, but combining living accommodation can also be really stressful and bring up all kinds of things, not least that you stop being on show and being 'fun' and start to be a normal person.

Having said that, this does sound a bit odd. You don't sound very in love, you sound forced together by circumstance. I'm not sure why he's mentioning not fancying you for a few days, big deal, everyone goes off their partner or doesn't feel like sex for a few days, but most people might keep those ups and downs private and just wait til they had something significant to say.

In short, this doesn't sound like a match made in heaven, you sound a little naive about what a great boyfriend he is, and he might be finding it a strain having you there all the time.

Move out, rent your own place, then look back and see if you still want to date. This doesn't sound like it's going to work out from where you are right now.

Even if he did have learning difficulties, why should the OP be saddled with the effects?

reluctanttownie Thu 26-Jul-12 10:46:19: "I think if you're going to be with an older man it should be with one who can really give you the benefits of maturity. It doesn't sound like this guy is giving you that."

^^ This!

If your DP cannot talk more maturely than set out in your OP about the issues HE is having then this does not bode well for your relationship. I was shocked to read he was 32. I assumed all through your OP until you mentioned his age that he was as young as you and therefore felt some compassion for him. That largely evaporated when you said he was 32.