DP 'doesn't fancy me' - Advice Needed

[TheLittleMonster]

I've been lurking around here for a while, but never really posted for advice before. I'm not exactly the Mumsnet demographic, what with being 18 and childless, but please bear with me, as I'd like to draw on your experience please!

Two weeks ago I moved in with my boyfriend of a year. It's supposedly a temporary solution, and was pretty much unavoidable as I had pretty much nowhere else to go (family breakup). Up until now we've had a long-distance relationship, which was working out really well.

He really is pretty great. He is caring, he likes to do similar things to me, he's patient and sweet and loving. However, last night he told me that he doesn't fancy me at the moment, and doesn't want to have sex with me. We had sex on Saturday, so this was quite an unexpected thing to hear! I asked him about this, and he said he felt like this a little bit last week, then was OK at the weekend, and now feels like it again.

I asked him what he felt was causing it, and he said he didn't know, but that maybe it was to do with having spent much more time with me than usual for us. He also suggested that he was tired, or perhaps coming down with something. I was quite upset and he spent a lot of time reiterating that he does still love me, care about me etc.

I suggested my trying to find somewhere else to stay, or sleeping in the spare room (which I'm 'officially' renting), but he wasn't keen on either of those ideas, as he likes having me around and close to him. When I asked him whether I thought it was a temporary thing, he said he wasn't sure . I asked him what he thought we should do, and he couldn't really suggest anything. He doesn't appear to want to split up, but neither does he seem optimistic about the sex thing.

Just so's not to drip-feed, he's 32. It's not an issue in the relationship at large, but I do wonder whether it's got a role to play here perhaps?

So, what I'm asking, O Wise Women (and men) of Mumsnet, is do you have any experience of this sort of situation? Have you got any ideas about how it can be addressed? If you have experienced this sort of thing, did it work out OK, or did it spell The End? HELP ME PLEASE! Thanks so much if you've got this far. I'd really appreciate your advice.

I feel for you love. Last year I had a boyfriend leave me hanging by telling me he didn't know how he felt but wanted to stay together. I didn't want to end it so I let it go on longer than I should and I was the one who got hurt. I'd advise you to have a serious talk and consider ending it now before you get too invested. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Can you make plans to move?

It sounds to me as though he is being deliberately cruel, playing games perhaps.

I always think a man of that age who goes for much younger girls not even out of their teens is a wrongun. Possibly looking for someone easier to control or who won't expect a commitment or who they may be able to get away with behaviour that a more experienced woman would tell them to fuck the fuck off for.

Thanks for the reality check, everyone. I'm making plans to distance myself and see some friends my age over the summer, too. We'll see where it goes from there, but I'm not going to hang around for him.

Good for you

I personally think you should go off and have lots of glorious sex with fabulous young men with massive willies stamina who can't get enough of you

And I too think that if you've not managed a LTR by 32 if you want one (I am reserving SGB from this as she has a glorious independence of mind and indeed body ) you are a Bit Odd.

Mih my DH had never had a girlfriend or even been on a date until he met me, he was 30. He is a bit lot awkward and not good looking or confident with women in a sexual way, he has high self esteem and self confidence, treats women and men the same in friendships, doesn't feel comfortable flirting and also has particular tastes and I think moving to London was what did for him as well as some of his friends who did the same because of the pace and the number of people and also because of the vacuous capitalist social working environments and the male orientated hobbies - cycling, motorbikes, running, he had he didn't really meet women who were interested in him and wasn't proactive enough (probably because he wasn't that bothered) to chase anyone. However we are very happy and he is very lovely and I wouldn't describe him as "odd" in the way meant here! I'm 7 years younger than him.

What is odd is a 32 year old who never had a LTR and meets a teenager (on the Internet?), moves her into his home, sleeps with her over and over and says she must be close to him but he doesn't fancy her. That's odd. He may be asexual but it is like he had deliberately chosen to experiment with someone who is much younger and potentially more vulnerable which is quite abusive really.

This is not something I am proud of, but when I was a lot younger I was once in a ltr with a very nice boy who I told I loved. He loved me, bit really I didn't love him, I loved being loved and loved having a 'boyfriend' but really didn't want to be with him when we lived together I was often cruel to him , accusing him of crowding me, saying I needed space, calling him needy, saying I'd gone off him. All the while I still reiterated that I was in love with him. I stayed because I was selfish and preferred him tobeing alone. I was a coward and cruel and emotionally abusive of him. I did eventually leave him but strung him along while I made that decision. I feel awful now and always think about what I did, I am ashamed tbh. But I see similarity between what I did and what your bf is doing.The living circumstances were similar to yours he was somewhat forced in me.

IMO after years alone your bf likes having a girlfriend and likes being loved, but doesn't really want a relationship and is so afraid of being alone again he will keep saying he loves you and playing the great boyfriend until you leave him or he finds someone else.

"Maybe you think OP should find someone else, an 18 year old perhaps, who will of course be an expert communicator and will be so good at 'life' that he won't need to practice."

And maybe the OP will find an 18 year-old who is fun, lively, doesn't use her to skivvy for him and his brother and... oh yes... actually fancies her .

Having been through several rubbishy relationships of late, my friend recently said to me: "I think we both deserve to be with men who like us and want to see us ALL of the time, not just now and then."

Very bloody true.

Good luck OP (I don't have kids either btw, you're far from the only one on here :) )