DP 'doesn't fancy me' - Advice Needed

[TheLittleMonster]

I've been lurking around here for a while, but never really posted for advice before. I'm not exactly the Mumsnet demographic, what with being 18 and childless, but please bear with me, as I'd like to draw on your experience please!

Two weeks ago I moved in with my boyfriend of a year. It's supposedly a temporary solution, and was pretty much unavoidable as I had pretty much nowhere else to go (family breakup). Up until now we've had a long-distance relationship, which was working out really well.

He really is pretty great. He is caring, he likes to do similar things to me, he's patient and sweet and loving. However, last night he told me that he doesn't fancy me at the moment, and doesn't want to have sex with me. We had sex on Saturday, so this was quite an unexpected thing to hear! I asked him about this, and he said he felt like this a little bit last week, then was OK at the weekend, and now feels like it again.

I asked him what he felt was causing it, and he said he didn't know, but that maybe it was to do with having spent much more time with me than usual for us. He also suggested that he was tired, or perhaps coming down with something. I was quite upset and he spent a lot of time reiterating that he does still love me, care about me etc.

I suggested my trying to find somewhere else to stay, or sleeping in the spare room (which I'm 'officially' renting), but he wasn't keen on either of those ideas, as he likes having me around and close to him. When I asked him whether I thought it was a temporary thing, he said he wasn't sure . I asked him what he thought we should do, and he couldn't really suggest anything. He doesn't appear to want to split up, but neither does he seem optimistic about the sex thing.

Just so's not to drip-feed, he's 32. It's not an issue in the relationship at large, but I do wonder whether it's got a role to play here perhaps?

So, what I'm asking, O Wise Women (and men) of Mumsnet, is do you have any experience of this sort of situation? Have you got any ideas about how it can be addressed? If you have experienced this sort of thing, did it work out OK, or did it spell The End? HELP ME PLEASE! Thanks so much if you've got this far. I'd really appreciate your advice.

My sister is a midwife and she reckons men say this because they've been shagging around and have caught something...

Does he fancy anyone? Or is he very specific that it is you he doesn't fancy? Sorry to sound cruel. I'm just wondering if when it was long distance he could manage the irregular sex but actually isn't that bothered about it or isn't that into girls?!

He may have enjoyed and felt safe with the notion of having a girlfriend but now it's more real he doesn't really want it?

Unless he can give you proper reasons that you can work on together, I'd be wary of continuing this relationship.
He's phrased it badly and hurtfully if nothing else.

OP - he is too old for you at 32. You should be out exploring the world, not sitting in with this man, who really (and please don't take this as an insult, it certainly isn't one) should be viewing you as a child.

He sounds cruel. Or like he's gearing you up to play with you...he might suddenly think of something that would make you desirable to him again, and expect you to do it. If you loved him.

Just guessing like....I have no idea other than your post gives me the chills, and at 18 I think you'd be mad to stick around.

Do not waste your youth on this guy. Please.

OP - you sound mature for an 18 year old and like you've got your head screwed on. I think you'll be fine if you stick to your plan and use this as a temporary solution before moving out to get your own place. I can see that the arrangement probably works for you at the moment. But why would you stay with someone who doesn't fancy you, or says he doesn't? I'd tell him that if he feels like that then you can carry on as friends, move into the spare room for now and sort out an alternative arrangement as soon as you can. One thing to watch for - that is if things this guy says to you start to erode your self-esteem. You sound great. You'll have no problem finding a guy who does fancy you and who you can have a more enjoyable relationship with. Good luck!

I. I. I.

I. I. I

^
( red flags , hq take note & make proper ones )

little monster , dump his arse love , he's 32 ...that's nearly twice your age . And he doesn't fancy you anymore ? Seriously . He's such a catch a woman of his own age wouldn't touch him ...find somewhere else to live .

When your 18 you should be having fun with fit young boys your own age .

BTW.... should he suddenly fancy you again, make sure your contraception is 100% reliable.

Looks like there's a definite consensus, then. I'll speak to him and say that I'm moving out ASAP, and we'll see where we go from there. I don't think he's got any learning difficulties, he's very bright (top uni graduate) and works in a maths/physics based industry. I've got quite a few friends that are high-functioning autistic, though, and he does seem similar - he struggles to communicate emotions and understand how his actions effect others. Thanks so much for your advice, I'm really grateful.

Can I just ask little monster , when did you turn 18 ?

And are you young looking for your age ?

YES YES YES what CES says. He almost certainly will fancy you again as soon as you decide you're off! Reckon you could, and will do a lot better OP. Don't get trapped.

Agree with the others (see, you did come to the right place!)

He's working on you to get you where he wants you (ie. pathetically grateful for any crumb he lets drop from the table)

Move into the spare room, go out with friends, make a plan to get out.

I would also make a point of being disinterested next time he was after sex but some would say that's immature...

What is this hobby where it's common for men to have relationships with women 14 years their junior?

BTW, you don't have to tell him everything that you are thinking and doing. You need somewhere to live just now, presumably so staying put in the short term makes sense. You might want to make arrangements for where next before you share it all with him. If you can, talk to your RL friends (those you trust well) about what your doing. They might be able to help you find somewhere else to live, or might even have/know of spare bedrooms or vacancies in flats.

You need to prioritize finding somewhere else to live RIGHT AWAY. Don't get stuck in this situation, it sounds unfair, unbalanced and miserable now that he's said what he's said.
Once you have your own place that is not reliant on him, you should ask for some space apart to think about what he's said. Take control back. As others have said, he's got you just where he wants you. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and it started very much like yours, the abuse I mean. Living with him when I had no choice, trapped, unable to get away from his subtle demeaning remarks. I felt like a nothing.
Just get out, you are young and should be with someone who cant keep their hands off you and thinks you are the most beautiful woman alive! Good God. Go and enjoy life. You will feel a weight off your mind if you get shot of him, honestly.

Agree with not telling him your plans. Just go. He sounds cruel, and not worthy of being informed of your choices.

OP, I'm afraid thi is a typical MN response. Your DPs character has been assassinated in double quick time.

A lot of nasty men do a lot of nasty things to their DPs and the fall out often ends up on here. In those cases, the comments are justified. Unfortunately, everyone gets tarred with the same brush.

I don't know jack about your DP, but neither do any of the other posters. That hasn't stopped some of them from implying all sorts.

What I imply from your posts is that at 32, far from being 'a bit dodgy', your DP has little relationship experience. Possibly he struggles to develop relationships or form emotional attachments. He might be somewhat introverted. We all know people of whatever age where it seems a miracle they have ever had one long term relationship.

If the above is true, no wonder he wants to keep you close now he's finally found someone.

This lack of experience may be coming across in his language, and in the effect this sudden change of circumstances for you both is having. People often find talking about sex very difficult. Men often find communicating difficult in general - as many posters on here will be happy to verify.

As far as the age gap goes, if it's not a problem for you, then it shouldn't be for anyone else. Note to other posters: Men often don't mature at all as quickly as women. To imply that a man who at 32, is attracted to a woman of 18, must be 'immature and irresponsible' is a bit insulting to the OP, don't you think.

I agree that moving in together may be too much too soon. It might be best to find your own place, in your own time, and then take things more gradually from there. However, if this is the only hiccup in an otherwise perfect relationship, then don't write it off because of t'interweb.

Just proceed with caution. I just thought you should get a balancing viewpoint.

You won't hear from me again (and I won't be able to respond to the flaming I will now get), cos my lunch break is now over, but good luck.

"I just thought you should get a balancing viewpoint."

The OP had already balanced her viewpoint, making allowances/excuses and hoping that when a man says 'I don't fancy you'... that's all normal and tickety-boo. Of course it isn't.

It's legitimate to say that men find communicating difficult, talking about sex difficult, struggle to form relationships, don't mature as quickly as women etc.... but too often the message to nice young women like the OP is 'put up with it'. I think a little tough love from strangers can save those same young women from decades of misery. Let the man find someone else to practice on.

When I was 19, I was with a man of 39, who also didn't have much of a relationship history, and no sexual history.

Looking back, I think this made me feel safe.

He was a decent enough person but, really, now I look back, woefully inadequate. I was with him because I liked him, looked up to him, he was clever etc. we had deep and meaningful conversations, and it made me feel important and, well... loved.

I had also come from fragmented family and now realise I was seeking stability.

But he was a nice man but a bit of a fuck up...and I was a bit too young to realise this at the time.

We even got engaged...but luckily things didn't work out...and my life went its own merry way without him.

What I'm trying to say is you will be fine without him, in fact it sounds like you'll be better off.

Although you can't know it yet, there will be future relationships in your life that will give you more than the one with this man, and more equality.

I think you are right to move out...and I wish you luck in your life.

Cogi you have perfectly illustrated my point exactly. Women (or men) should not have to put up with EA. But there is no evidence for that In This Case. That hasn't stopped the LTB juggernaut from rolling though has it.

Also: 'let the man find someone else to practice on'.

Really? Staggering. I thought we were all learning and practicing as we go. I haven't yet met anyone who's perfected life. Maybe you think OP should find someone else, an 18 year old perhaps, who will of course be an expert communicator and will be so good at 'life' that he won't need to practice.

VictorianDaddy Why wouldn't you leave someone if you are 18 years old, have no children or joint responsibilities, and they say they don't fancy you?

Red flag here to me is this is a man who at 31 has entered a long distance (Internet?) relationship with a 17 yo who has a messed up family life and who has now moved in with him with nowhere else to go and he is saying things which mess with her head... It had red flags all over it...

And I don't mean I think he is a bastard. I mean it just sounds wrong and I agree with "at 18 when childless why wouldn't you just leave if your bf said he didn't fancy you."

'officially' renting), but he wasn't keen on either of those ideas, as he likes having me around and close to him. When I asked him whether I thought it was a temporary thing, he said he wasn't sure . I asked him what he thought we should do, and he couldn't really suggest anything. He doesn't appear to want to split up, but neither does he seem optimistic about the sex thing.

He hasn't had any long-term relationships, really. He had one girlfriend when he was much younger, and that lasted for just under a year

Going on what youve written here i suspect that hes asexual. This could also be why hes picked someone so much younger. Someone young like yourself who hasnt had much experience yet.

Wow! Not everybody is attracted to everybody else, but, he is being very cold towards you. By telling you he doesn't fancy you, he's put you in to this gear of trying-to-please or something. He is 14 years older than you fgs! What kind of 32 year old wants an 18 year old girlfriend? I'm sure you are absolutely lovely and very mature, but TRUST me, a decent, intelligent 32 year old man would recognise that that is too wide an age gap, especially, especially when you are still so young.

Move out and rent your own place. You're 18. The World is your oyster, and every 18 year old is beautiful and attractive. SEriously. They are.

What hobby does a 18 and 32year old share that brought you together?

Definitely look for somewhere else to live, you are far too young to be stuck with this old fart, doing his housework and being messed about by him. It is really likely that he said those nasty things on purpose because he wants you dependent and desperate to please him or that, as others have said, he actually doesn't want you living with him but wants you to make the decision to leave. Either way, he's a bit of a knob.

And 18 is much too young to be living with a partner. Long-term relationships are not compulsory at any age (I am 47 and have never lived with a partner or been married. And I have no intention of ever doing so.)