Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think dh is having an affair .. don't know what to do

52 replies

amigoingmadhere · 24/07/2012 23:39

saw texts on his phone - 'Babes can I come over tonight' etc.

Not exactly in shock as things are terrible between us but don't really know what to do about it as have 3 young dcs who will be devastated if we get divorced.

I know it was coming to that anyway due to dh generally being emotionally abusive and sometimes physically aggressive but I think no there is really no coming back from this.

I had dc3 only 3 weeks ago and I see from dh's phone that he was meeting up with OW while I was in hospital recovering from the birth (probably during labour as well knowing him, as he kept disappearing).. :(

Don't really know what to do about this.

OP posts:
ScarletSmellyFeet · 24/07/2012 23:44

What do you want to do and what do you think s possible?

Does he know you know, do you have RL help where you can throw him out and be able to cope?

Is your name on the mortgage or rent?

So sorry he is such a wanker.

tribpot · 24/07/2012 23:45

I don't think it's anything you have to decide right now, with a 3 week old baby to look after. And it might be as well to gather evidence before you confront him as it will probably all mysteriously disappear once he knows you're on to him. Likewise if you want to move documents or money it's better to do it now than after.

Others with more experience will be able to advise on the affair but to me it seems part of the pattern of his emotional and physical abuse. Is his physical aggression escalating? I take it at the moment you are not afraid he is going to hit you.

Keep posting - you are far from alone in this awful situation :( I hope you can manage to get some sleep.

mybabyweightiseightyearsold · 24/07/2012 23:50

don't do anything but gather your thoughts and girders. That's as much as you can hope to cope with three weeks after having a baby.

Concentrate on getting through the nest 3 - 12 weeks with your baby. Then, you'll be able to think properly and make a good tactical decision.

Unless he's being physically aggressive now?

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 24/07/2012 23:52

I don't know.. If it wasn't for the dcs I would have ended things a while ago.. unfortunately got pregnant unplanned which messed things up again..

Honestly I don't think I can salvage this but firstly have no idea what to do for the sake of the dcs (who adore him) and secondly don't know how to approach it with him.

He doesn't know I know and I don't want to show my hand yet.

How can I copy and paste whole text threads from his phone and send to me for future evidence?

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 24/07/2012 23:52

Sorry to hear about your position. Sounds pretty clear cut as far as his behaviour. I'd keep it to yourself if you can for the time being rather than confronting him. Given the situation you're in, this will then give you space to think through your responses, options and to start making plans for the future. Good luck. You'll get lots of help on MN. Do you have a close friend who will support you in RL? Take care. x

Olympicnmix · 24/07/2012 23:55

Am just going to post so I can come back later and so you know you are not alone.

Finding out he has betrayed you just after having a baby is still a shock, even if you suspected enough to go looking, iyswim, as you're confronted with it in black and white.

With him being emotionally and physically abusive, as well as having an affair it sounds like it could be a blessed relief if he left - for you personally - although hard on the dcs - although they're probably not inured from his abusive twattyness as you would like - how old are they? Do you have any close friends or family who would help out if H weren't there?

tribpot · 24/07/2012 23:56

What kind of phone does he have, OP?

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 24/07/2012 23:56

Not afraid right now as I have been asking him to move out anyway as he has been awful to me throughout the pregnancy and before, but also esp since I gave birth. He finally moved out today (just for a few days initially) as I almost got lawyers involved and I think he got scared.

house has huge mortgage in joint names .. what will that mean?

we have separate bank accounts but I am not working at the moment. He is self employed and I have no idea what his finances are.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 24/07/2012 23:56

I'm so sorry - what an awful time for you to find out.

Could you use your own phone to photograph the texts?

messyisthenewtidy · 24/07/2012 23:57

If he's being physically aggressive to you I would say get out of the relationship now whilst you have the moral upper hand.

Olympicnmix · 25/07/2012 00:00

I think you can forward them and then you have to delete the forward but I don't know how to set it up for future emails. I would store them in a file appropriately named, like 'bastard moron' and look at them when you are ready. Or if you have a good friend, get them to store and read them for you - I did when I wanted distance from the yukkiness of it.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 25/07/2012 00:00

he has a blackberry.

olympicmix you are spot on that I am in shock, yet not, yet it does bring me some relief .. somethng concrete I can pin on him that will remove him from me. but it is the dcs i worry about. They are boys - 5 and 3 (and the baby). They need him now and will also need a father figure as they grow up..

OP posts:
Olympicnmix · 25/07/2012 00:04

Yes, you can forward whole chat if you hold down the second button along just below the touchscreen and a menu comes up, including 'forward chat' and you input your email or phone number. But that 'forward' will then show on his phone so you then delete the forward. Am not sure if it will show up in any other way, am not technically savvy enough but did have a cheating ex on a blackberry!

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 25/07/2012 00:04

they are texts not emails.. tried to forward but didn't really work.
Might try to photograph them on my phone.

true I certainly do have the moral upper hand but I need to be able to prove it legally in the future right? also no idea how I will explain it to the dcs.

have a couple of friends in rl who I'm sure would be supportive but to others it would be a massive shock.. they would have no idea

OP posts:
Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 25/07/2012 00:05

ow bf and typing = painful

OP posts:
Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 25/07/2012 00:05

that was 'ow' as in 'ouch', not 'other woman' :)

OP posts:
Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 25/07/2012 00:07

olympic thank you! I will try that. Just need to get him and his phone back here now

OP posts:
Olympicnmix · 25/07/2012 00:08

Very practically it is useful to have concrete proof of his adultery as it means if you choose to divorce him within 6months of affair discovery, you can do so for either adultery or unreasonable behaviour and the cost of the actual divorce ( although sadly not the sorting out of anything else legally, like finances) becomes his to pay.

Have you been able to confide in anyone in RL?

Olympicnmix · 25/07/2012 00:09

Sorry, xposted

creativepebble · 25/07/2012 00:11

OP, so sorry he's been/being a wanker.

Just to say that I'm sure your boys will still have their dad in their lives as a father figure and as they grow up; they love each other you say. If you split, if you can keep communication civil and ongoing, I'm sure it will work out in the wash. He's in the wrong and if he's any kind of man, he would admit that and do what is right for the family. He cannot have his cake and eat it anymore; he's caused too much hurt.

Sit tight if you can for the next few weeks and concentrate on dc3 and you, then when you are ready, see how it looks then. And see how you feel.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 25/07/2012 00:13

have confided in a couple of people but only about his general behaviour, not about the affair as I only just discovered it and anyway I'm not 100% sure .. could possibly be just a new friend. But it is weird - he never uses the word 'babes' or adds kisses to his texts - and he has been to this person. Called the number this morning - got through to female voice I didn;t recognise.

OP posts:
creativepebble · 25/07/2012 00:13

... And you do not need to concern yourself with how to tell them yet.

creativepebble · 25/07/2012 00:14

You sound 100% sure to me. Sorry.

Olympicnmix · 25/07/2012 00:15

Just tried it on my Crapberry: if you scroll to the text you want to forward so it's highlighted in blue, press the second button along just below the screen (the symbol looks like 6 pebbles!) and a menu should come up and about the fourth one down it the option to forward it and you can either send it to a mobile number or an email address. Once you've done that, the forwarded email will show up on the text menu, so you scroll so you highlight it again in blue and press the red cross just below the screen to delete it. Hth

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 25/07/2012 00:16

yes thanks everyone - I think I will just have to sit on this for a few weeks while I get stronger in myself and while I gather evidence.

Olympicnmix - what;s the deal with the 6 month thing? how much does a divorce cost (in that sense)? and how else is it usually split? 50/50?
what about other reasons? would they work as well? (believe me there are a few)

OP posts: