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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

think dh is having an affair .. don't know what to do

52 replies

amigoingmadhere · 24/07/2012 23:39

saw texts on his phone - 'Babes can I come over tonight' etc.

Not exactly in shock as things are terrible between us but don't really know what to do about it as have 3 young dcs who will be devastated if we get divorced.

I know it was coming to that anyway due to dh generally being emotionally abusive and sometimes physically aggressive but I think no there is really no coming back from this.

I had dc3 only 3 weeks ago and I see from dh's phone that he was meeting up with OW while I was in hospital recovering from the birth (probably during labour as well knowing him, as he kept disappearing).. :(

Don't really know what to do about this.

OP posts:

Original poster

amigoingmadhere · 25/07/2012 00:19

I'm sure he'll try to hide finances from me .. no idea where his bank accounts even are as he has several. really have no idea how much money he has or how much debt we are in or what would happen if we divorced.

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ScorpionQueen · 25/07/2012 00:23

So sorry.

On a practical note, you will need money. I know you must be knackered with the new baby but you need to protect yourself and your children. Can you visit CAB with a friend? Find out what help you are entitled to.

Olympicnmix · 25/07/2012 00:23

You know what you know, if you feel you need to get proof then ok as it might make matters more clear cut in your own mind, although his behaviour is poor on its own without it. There are little things you can do, like talking to CAB by phone, inputting the online tax credit calculator if you want to be actively doing something. But the important thing is to look after yourself and your dcs and get as much RL support as you can. And post on here if it helps. But you sound impressive AmIGoing and although it's bloody awful at the minute I feel that you are going to come out of this ok. Have to go to bed but will check in tomorrow to see how you are ((((hug)))))

Spree · 25/07/2012 00:33

OP - if you don't know what accounts he has or have access to his financial information, can I suggest you hide your hand first and don't confront him about this.

Start investigating now and look for copies (recent ones) of bank statements, credit card statements, business accounts if he has any etc etc. You will need these for your lawyer especially if he starts to try and hide the money.

Do you also share a home computer with him? If you do, check if he does a back up of his blackberry on it. If he does, you will have access to his blackberry backup files. There is a software you can then run on this so you can see all emails etc.

If you find the backup files, save these onto a memory stick or email them to yourself.

Good luck and be brave and strong.

Olympicnmix · 25/07/2012 00:37

Sorry, am not going to bed just yet! Well, the divorce itself costs about 1k using a solicitor. You can do a DIY one for less (maybe £400 or so). But the sorting out the finances usually costs more than this, especially if you claim against his pension etc and this is where a solicitor can come into their own, especially if H tries to hide his money.

Firstly, I have no legal expertise, can only go by my experience and that of helping a friend through similar. If your H earns considerably more than you, then he needs to not only pay child maintenance (for 3 children it's 25% of his net income) but there can also be a case for spousal maintenance to cover the outgoings that your income will not meet. Solicitors usually like clean-breaks but if your situation similar to mine that I've just outlined it may not be possible. Asset split usually starts at 50:50 but there can be a sliding scale where for instance if you need to house the 3 dc and then in lieu of claiming against his pension you get more of the proceeds of the house but each individual case is different. Again, when and if you are ready to do so, talk to a number of family lawyers offering free initial advice and see what they say. Some will do it by email or by phone so you don't have to drag the dcs with you to their offices.

If your H has left, you should look into claiming tax credits and any other entitlements (for instance 25% reduction on council tax as a single adult occupant).

But take your time. The 6month thing is just if you intend to divorce for adultery I believe you need to initiate proceedings within that time span.

Olympicnmix · 25/07/2012 00:39

Now I really am going to bed but will 'see' you soon

Original poster

amigoingmadhere · 25/07/2012 00:51

he does earn quite a bit more than me I think but I was recently made redundant and obvious;y not working now as with the baby so am currently unemployed although got a decent payoff .. not sure whether that would work for or against me.

don't think dh has a pension and neither do I. worried about spending money on a lawyer as no income at the moment (dh unlikely to give me anything as he knows I have my redundancy money) and dont want to go to cab as they know me there in a professional capacity.

no idea which firm of solicitors to use..

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Original poster

amigoingmadhere · 25/07/2012 00:51

thanks olympic :)

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Offred · 25/07/2012 07:39

Can you go to women's aid? They will really help you with the practical aspects. Also I think if he is being emotionally and physically abusive ("aggression" counts) and the kids "adore" him they are already being "injured" since it is not normal to adore someone who is abusing you/your mum and it is a sign they are adjusted to an abusive environment and think it is normal. Seriously women's aid will really help and you may qualify for legal aid.

MadAboutHotChoc · 25/07/2012 11:40

So sorry

You need to put together as much information as you can - bank statements, wage slips, accounts etc and keep them in a safe place (your parents' place?).

Lots of solicitors offer first free half hour's consultations.

Stay strong - this man threw away everything and it is all his doing so don't feel guilty. x

ErikNorseman · 25/07/2012 11:49

If he has moved out then you can claim for tax credits and income support today. The redundancy shouldn't affect this unless it was a massive amount. Try having a look online, or get a friend to do it for you.

Olympicnmix · 25/07/2012 14:22

How are you doing today, AmIGoing?

Original poster

amigoingmadhere · 25/07/2012 16:19

I'm ok, thanks. Tired. Spoke to solicitor today - seemed to suggest immediate divorce. Don't think I'm quite ready for that, with the dcs and just out of hospital from complications after dc3's birth.

Will be a terrible shock for everyone. I'm not feeling much for now but I'm sure I will. He's coming back later to see the dcs for a bit so I'll try to copy the texts then if I can.

Don't know how I can check on bank accounts etc. as he'll see that I've opened his post? Then again he'll never notice if he never saw them.

Don't know what will happen with the house. Moved house twice in the last 2 years.. put a lot of money into this one as it's the first big proper house we've had.. have been trying to make it all perfect for the dcs and looks like we'll be selling it soon. No idea how to go about any of this. Don't know how much more unsettlement the dcs can take.

Also feeling stupidly sorry for DH - he has so majorly messed up his life on so many levels and the shock of this will be the biggest for him - he has no idea how badly he has fked things up for himself and that he's about to lose everything. I've tried so hard to get through to him over the years but he just doesn't care. But I feel sorry for him because isn't everything just a result of one's upbringing / chemistry etc.? What has led him to messing everything up for himself? I don't know but I wish he could have some insight into his own psychology..

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Original poster

amigoingmadhere · 25/07/2012 16:21

my post above doesn't mean btw that I am not divorcing him ... I'm sure I will but I don't think I can do anything immediately, for my own sake as much as anything else.

Still quite fragile physically from the birth and complications afterwards and on various medications to get myself physically better. Don;t think it would be sensible for anyone to do anything until I am healthier in myself and can handle the fallout..

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Offred · 25/07/2012 16:52

They are suggesting it because it will be harder to do it later and maybe be much worse for the kids involving a long drawn out and expensive legal process which could go on for many many years. I agree with the legal advice to have a quick divorce citing his adultery now, you won't be able to do that later and he may refuse to agree and then it could be five or six years...

Offred · 25/07/2012 16:54

Five or six years of fighting and not moving on.

Original poster

amigoingmadhere · 25/07/2012 17:00

Thanks Offred - why would it be drawn out? More difficult to prove? Difficult to prove my problem with it because I didn't act immediately?

I am really clueless about all this.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 25/07/2012 17:23

With adultery, you need to divorce within 6 months of discovery. You don't have to do it now but you do need to sort out child access etc.

Make sure you go for a full disclosure - that way your solicitor get all the finance info required.

Offred · 25/07/2012 17:27

Yes and without the adultery as a reason he has to agree and if he doesn't you have to be separated for a period of years before you can divorce I think. www.wikivorce.com/divorce/

Offred · 25/07/2012 17:38

If you can ask the solicitor why they recommend what they do before making any decisions about what to do.

Olympicnmix · 25/07/2012 17:52

Don't feel sorry for your H, given he's not only having an affair, but treating his wife appallingly after giving birth and will be quite happy to deprive his dcs and leave them in financial hardship if you separate.

You don't have to do anything yet. Recovering from a traumatic birth is not to be underestimated, nor is having 3 young dcs, including a needy nb. Unless the situation with H escalates, or it simply becomes unbearable for you, then use this time to gather RL support, evidence of H's affair and income, use the online tax credit and income support calculators to get a rough idea of what you would be entitled to and ask CAB to send you their advice about getting divorced. You can also talk to the same lawyer again or a host of family lawyers as questions occur to you. This way you're not having to make any decisions but are quietly gathering the information to allow you to feel strong and informed when you are ready.

creativepebble · 25/07/2012 22:57

Yes, as Olympicnmix said, quietly gather info.

Slowly slowly catchy monkey.

Take each day as it comes and ensure you have lots of RL support at the ready if you can.

Just concentrate on you and the nb for now and your other dcs and try not to worry about anything else. Go about your life content in the knowledge that you are building yourself to be strong again.
I'm sure you do feel sorry for dh, - and dcs - but then that's probably natural and you must try to see the bigger picture. Your dcs need a happy mummy. If daddy broke her trust and is a pig then that's his fault. He has broken more than one of your marriage vows and is not a good role model to the dcs with how he is treating you.

creativepebble · 25/07/2012 22:58

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

Original poster

amigoingmadhere · 26/07/2012 12:15

ok so he just came by to see the dcs.

Tried to do the whole forwarding texts thing but it didn't work - can only forward a specific message not the whole thread, and it doesn;t say when sent etc. not useful at all really. What a pain.

He's been texing the OW last night and today as well.

Also saw he has taken cabs at 3am and 1am for the last two nights.. from where to where I don;t know.

Don't know if he wants me to see the texts or is too stupid to delete them. Hasn't ever been secretive with his phone and still isn't. Looks like he's meeting up with OW tonight. Also lending her money it seems.

Not sure when to address this properly as the dcs are now on their school holidays and are really happy to see him. Want to make this as least hurtful for them as possible. They are my only concern here. I know I'll be better off without him, as will they in the long run. But I need to go about this the right way, whatever that is.

Still confused as to why he hasn't bothered to delete the texts. Don't think he wants me to find out as I'm pretty sure he doesn;t want to get divorced.

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Original poster

amigoingmadhere · 26/07/2012 12:16

He's also been hanging round the house working today and acting as normal... I told him he was only allowed to be here to see the dcs and that's it - not to work. But because they are on holidays I suppose he's around to see them..

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