Is he having an affair?

[matana]

Firstly i should explain that my DH and I spend all of our spare time together and although it's cliched we really are best friends. We've had ups and downs like any normal couple, but he's a great father to our 20 mo DS and has always been loving and affectionate with me. He doesn't go out drinking and leave me holding the baby, we go out together and take our DS with us. What i'm saying is we're very close. Not everyone's cup of tea, but it's always worked for us. I have always trusted him implicitly (and he has me) on the odd occasion we have been apart in our 10 year relationship. But for maybe the past month we've had an argument every weekend about silly things.

On Thursday he went up north to see a customer and he travelled with a female colleague. They travelled up and came home the same day, so no overnight stop or anything. She recently moved to his department. He never used to like her when they worked together before, but he has spoken about her and said she's grown on him and they actually get on fine now. I wasn't suspicious at all. But on Thursday evening i waled into the bedroom and he was texting. As soon as he saw me her was like a rabbit in the headlights and it initially looked like he was going to hide his phone. I asked who he was texting and he replied 'Sara' so i made a comment about him all of a sudden being best mates with her. He told me he was texting her to say sorry for being moody earlier that evening when they has spoken (he wanted her help with some IT to get online from home), his text was to explain that he was pissed off about the fact he'd just got home and the car tyre was punctured. He showed me the text which said "Fucking car has a fucking puncture, sorry for sounding moody earlier".

Since then he's kept his phone very close to him. I managed to look at it the other day and all his messages had been wiped. Then yesterday evening i caught him on it again because he'd left the room and had been gone for some time. Again, the same rabbit in the headlights look. He slept with his phone under his pillow last night which i thought was pretty odd. I knew he had, but feigned ignorance this morning and casually asked him where his phone was because i wanted to play a game on it. He said he didn't know. When i left the room and came back in he said "oh here it is, it must have fallen down the side of the bed last night.

Please tell me i'm being paranoid.

Sorry, doesn't sound like you are paranoid. I would keep a close eye on him

You are not being paranoid. You should ask him directly what is going on. Honestly, just ask and then stand there silently and let him blather out excuses until the truth spills out.

Sorry but you are NOT being paranoid. Trusts your instincts and these are screaming at you that he is having an affair

The nitpicking/petty arguments, guarding of phone, deleting texts etc are all huge red flags.

It all sounds very suspicious, keep your beady eyes firmly on him.
Hiding his phone, losing his phone and continually talking about this woman are all signs of cheating.
When you feel ready, and get enough evidence, confront him

Doesn't sound good, the behaviour is out of character and whilst all circumstantial etc it isn't great that he is touchy about his phone.

It could be an emotional thing not a physical thing, but that doesn't make it less of a problem.

FWIW, I had a close friend who went through this about 3/4 years ago. They were 'joined at the hip' in a good way, but it got claustrophobic (complicated reasons not worth expanding on), when he got a new job and his horizons expanded he got into an affair, was meeting her for coffee, nothing happened (so he says) but the damage was the same. It took some time but they are OK now, they had to re-nogotiate their relationship, in terms of dynamics, to find more balance. He realised the damage he was causing... eventually... but it was a source of much heartache for a while as he didn't want to admit teh secrecy was a problem, he just thought if he wasn't sleeping with her it was his private business.

Of course, this could just be something and nothing, but hunches go a long way IMO and I tell you about my friend to show you wouldn't be the first 'very close' couple of go through something like that. :(

I think you need to keep an eye on it at least - if not just tell him what you have told us and ask outright.

I don't know if it is an affair or not, but I take my phone upstairs and sleep with it next to me; I get early work calls (5am onwards) and I use my phone as an alarm as the noise is so annoying. I don't delete texts though or have an excessive attachment to my phone in the day.

If your husband is never far away from you, he has little to no time to cultivate any close friendships or romances. What do YOU think, OP? I wonder sometimes at the accuracy of "The Script" and think that sometimes, people who have no knowledge of the circumstances, are too quick to call it.

That said, YOU know the circumstances and people here read what you YOU post and make assumptions from that. So... do YOU think he's having an affair - or about to?

You are not being paranoid id go with your instincts. He may not be having an affair yet but sounds like the start of something. Try talking to him before he takes the next step you might be able to nip it in the bud before anything happens. good luck and i hope he isn't

This might be an occasion when you have to bring in an 'imaginery friend.'

Choose someone from work who he's heard of but doesn't know. It's important he's heard of them as it lends veracity to the story.

Say, "Oh god, you know Mandy in Accounts? The one with the toddler? Her husband's been seeing someone and she found out a week ago and she dumped him. He's had to move into a really horrible bedsit because they can't afford anything nicer. No, she has the right to stay in the house because of the baby. Anyway, she won't let him take the baby to the bedsit so he has to just see him for a couple of hours every Saturday. And guess what, his girlfriend didn't want to go to the bedsit either so he's there on his own. No, Mandy won't take him back. Why should she? I wouldn't, would you? No way. So yeah, he's really depressed now. I saw him and he looked awful - lost loads of weight and sort of grey looking (change to "put on loads of weight" if he wants to lose weight himself.) Terrible, isn't it? What a bastard, though, when they've got a young child. What did he expect, eh?"

Oh it does sound rather suspicious. Why not just ask him and if he has nothing to hide then he will show you his phone.

Hope it's just a misunderstanding!!

You're not being paranoid. There's some reason he's behaving this way.
If the text was as he said, an apology for being an arse, which would have been fair enough, why the "rabbit in headlights" reaction and more to the point why has he wiped messages?
I think because of his suspicious behaviour you need to do a bit of digging, do you have access to his mobile bills, maybe you can request one? Although this won't give you what has been said between them it will show how often he contacts her. If he has a certain kind of fone (iphones i think) then you can recover the deleted texts. It may be underhand and sneaky but if you feel you're not getting the truth then it's better than the not knowing. xx

The information about how good your marriage has been and the closeness of your relationship is a red herring and completely redundant. People in good marriages have affairs and especially the type of affair where there are sliding boundaries between work colleagues.

Yes I think there is probably something going on, but I disagree that asking to see his phone will yield any information. Now that you've discovered him texting twice, he will start to delete messages.

You could approach this from the point of view that inappropriate friendships happen in the best of marriages and that the friends often don't realise the danger signs until they are already addicted to the excitement the friendship brings - and raise this with him in a conversation. But if he's already gone past that point and doesn't want to pull back, then nothing you say or do could stop him. So you might want to point out the consequences if he doesn't pull back, but you have to mean what you say and more importantly, he needs to believe that he will lose his marriage if he doesn't put a stop to this.

Alternatively, if an affair is already underway then the only thing you can do is to get evidence from other sources i.e. monitor his phone, laptop and phone bills because it is extremely unlikely that he will tell the truth if confronted. Most people in these situations don't want their marriages to end, but they don't want the affair to end either just yet. So they lie about why they have been grumpy and stressed and deny any affair suggestions.

It's worth you doing some thinking on your own about what action you will take in response to the various possibilities outlined here. For example, you might forgive an affair as long as it ends and he gets a new job, or you might forgive an emotional affair but not a physical one.

Hopefully this hasn't gone too far, but you are right to be worried because of the secrecy and the behaviour you are experiencing.

Don't confront without evidence as he will just deny everything. Dig, dig, dig - mobile phone bills are good.

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

Could you get his phone and text her, as him, a leading question to see what comes back? If you don't want to ask him straight out.

Personally I would confront him.
You could say you dont know if he is actually having an affair [which is true,you dont],but you are aware that he is getting too emotionally close to her.
Tell him you insist something is done about it,work wise.

He needs to know you are on to him.it may just stop it in its track.

I agree it does sound suspicious, these things happen with depressing regularity. You need to nip it in the bud, tell him you think he's getting too close to this woman and ask him what he thinks is going on.

It sounds suspicious.

They may not have embarked on a physical affair but if he is secretly communicating with her it is an emotional affair.

If they truly were 'just friends' he wouldnt be hiding it.

Oh, and im a big believer of collecting evidence to guatantee your thinking.

Normally amillion if the person is in too deep, a confrontation from a partner doesn't stop an affair in its tracks, it leads to the person covering their tracks.

Experience tells me that by the time it's got to the secret-texting-out-of-work stage, the person is in too deep and nothing but being caught red-handed and dumped as a result, will ever stop an affair from happening or continuing. So the partner is met with denials and lies about stress, depression, overwork or imaginary illnesses.

I agree with Sternface.

When H was in the midst of his affair, he used to literally drop his phone when I walked into the room

Huge red flag & while I asked & was fobbed off with excuses like "just checking football results", my gut was screaming and I ignored it and didn't find out until 2 years later.

I would also go with gathering evidence before confronting - check mobile bills! ESP if there is an online account

My DH never lied about his whereabouts or changed his routine,and I knew it really well as we run parallel businesses that mean on a daily basis we sort diaries and chat about customers needs and who we have seen etc.We had a long and happy marriage behind us,and apart from a bit of mid- life grumpiness and some untypical less considerate behaviour by him I had no suspicions.
Turns out that delightful little device called a mobile phone had facilitated a lot of text flirting then sexting between him and OW he met through work and they were meeting 3/4 times a week when not necessary for work.
Trust your instincts.Sternface's posts are spot on for advice.Hopefully you will have caught it in the developing stages.It hadn't become a physical affair when OWs DH found the texts and blew it wide open - the biggest shock I can tell you.
Stay strong.If he has crossed some boundaries it is possible to recover your relationship and renegotiate your relationship as Jennerosity said.
Stay calm, not easy,and more good advice will be along I'm sure.x

When i read my post back it does sound incredibly shifty. If i had read someone else's post i would have been certain their DH was having an affair. The thing is, i've only felt like this for the past few days. I've wracked my brains over the past weeks and months and genuinely can't see that his behaviour has been out of the ordinary. He doesn't look any different, he hasn't changed his appearance, he's not spending more time out of the house, he's as loving and affectionate as he ever was and he hasn't seemed 'detached' at all. I know him inside out and other than for the past few days, he has been exactly the same. I suppose i'm hoping that if there is something going on, it's early stages. He hasn't been the one to pick arguments to escape from the house, it has been me - and i usually come back after 30 mins. The suspected OW lives 35 mins away. I know i haven't been easy to live with recently and our relationship has been vulnerable because of it.

When i've spoken to him about my fears he's said that me and the kids are his world (he has 2 daughters too) and that he couldn't go on without us in his life. He seems very genuine.

Like i said, i hope it's early stages and can be nipped in the bud. Getting our own relationship back on track will hopefully help. The thought of him only being a part time dad to our DS is tearing me apart. They love each other so much.

Maybe he is just unsure about how you would take him having a close working relationship with another woman? Maybe he is hiding his texts because it seems as though he's being disloyal to you; or maybe he just talks to her about stuff, and that makes him feel awkward about telling you. I would keep an eye out for any other changes (as you are doing) but really don't think you should jump to conclusions.

You'd be amazed at how people in your situation imperceptibly know something's not quite right, but they can't put their finger on it and put their unsettled feelings down to other worries or concerns. This sometimes manifests itself by creating arguments or niggling interactions with the apparently innocent and faithful partner. This is especially true in relationships that have always been close where the trust default is very strong.

Improving your relationship won't make an iota of difference if this is an affair in the making, because in this case an affair isn't a response to anything going on between you and him.

It's not that your relationship is vulnerable, it's him that's vulnerable to an affair and he's the only one who can do anything about that.

You say you have spoken to him about your fears.Do you mean your fears that he is having an affair?

sternface,you sound like you are saying that the op can do nothing.
If he is having an affair,or about to have one,then she doesnt have much to lose,but a lot to gain.
Admitedly I have never been in this situation,but by putting it out in the open,she may make him think twice,or think things through more than he may be doing.