Is he having an affair?

[matana]

Firstly i should explain that my DH and I spend all of our spare time together and although it's cliched we really are best friends. We've had ups and downs like any normal couple, but he's a great father to our 20 mo DS and has always been loving and affectionate with me. He doesn't go out drinking and leave me holding the baby, we go out together and take our DS with us. What i'm saying is we're very close. Not everyone's cup of tea, but it's always worked for us. I have always trusted him implicitly (and he has me) on the odd occasion we have been apart in our 10 year relationship. But for maybe the past month we've had an argument every weekend about silly things.

On Thursday he went up north to see a customer and he travelled with a female colleague. They travelled up and came home the same day, so no overnight stop or anything. She recently moved to his department. He never used to like her when they worked together before, but he has spoken about her and said she's grown on him and they actually get on fine now. I wasn't suspicious at all. But on Thursday evening i waled into the bedroom and he was texting. As soon as he saw me her was like a rabbit in the headlights and it initially looked like he was going to hide his phone. I asked who he was texting and he replied 'Sara' so i made a comment about him all of a sudden being best mates with her. He told me he was texting her to say sorry for being moody earlier that evening when they has spoken (he wanted her help with some IT to get online from home), his text was to explain that he was pissed off about the fact he'd just got home and the car tyre was punctured. He showed me the text which said "Fucking car has a fucking puncture, sorry for sounding moody earlier".

Since then he's kept his phone very close to him. I managed to look at it the other day and all his messages had been wiped. Then yesterday evening i caught him on it again because he'd left the room and had been gone for some time. Again, the same rabbit in the headlights look. He slept with his phone under his pillow last night which i thought was pretty odd. I knew he had, but feigned ignorance this morning and casually asked him where his phone was because i wanted to play a game on it. He said he didn't know. When i left the room and came back in he said "oh here it is, it must have fallen down the side of the bed last night.

Please tell me i'm being paranoid.

She could even talk to the OW,but that may be a step too far.

Can you get hold oh his phone and swap her number for your own so yo get the next set of messages he sends to her?

My H was texting his best friends wife 100 times a day and emailing and facebooking her. He was texting her from 8am to 11.30pm every day , whilst driving for a living..... His mind was on her not on me.

I didn't discover this until after he had moved out saying that he dudn't love me any more.

With hindsight I can see that he was taking his phone everywhere , sleeping with it, didnt want me to use it for anything or read his texts to him if he was driving, he stayed up later than me every evening and was always on the computer. When I checked the phone all messages were deleted...

They both say that nothing is going on and he is now lodging with them...

I believe they are having an affair, none of my concern as we are getting divorced but she is still married to his friend...

I hope you are wrong but keep an open mind both ways....

Can you get hold oh his phone and swap her number for your own so you get the next set of messages he sends to her?

This is what I did when I suspected an ex was cheating (years ago now). I think it's an easy and often-forgotten-about way of finding out.

It's relatively easy to just get hold of the phone for 2 mins and change it - and should shed some light. How many of us actually LOOK at the number when texting? Usually people just hit the contact in the list and press send. I rarely look at it myself.

Hope you are OK OP. x

Sorry but the phone behaviour sounds as though he is hiding something .. my stbxh did all that and he did have an affair

Sorry you are going through this x

I don't go in for the sneaking about being a private detective crap. I would just ask him outright why he was suddenly disconnecting and hiding his phone from you?

I don't think hiding his phone under his pillow is just "odd", I think it's very strange indeed and certainly, I would be incredibly suspicious. Sorry, i'm sure it's not what you really want to hear, but I think it sounds as though something is definitely going on.

I think it's one of two things. Either he's having a full blown affair already with this woman(sorry) or he's just enjoying having a bit of a fantasy about the possibility of having an affair and is sending flirty messages to her, but without real intent of actually sealing the deal as it were.

Definitely keep an eye on him. I take it you've asked him why he's deleted outgoing and incoming texts.

Mraw, I know your suggestion is controversial, but I love it!! I think it's a genius idea actually! It's no worse morally than looking through our partners messages even when we're almost 100% sure that we trust them. I think we've all done it to be fair.

Mraw.....genius! This should be suggested to everyone who suspects their dh.

It isn't the morals summer! It is the stress of living in a relationship where you feel like you have to do stuff like that and what it says about the relationship I.e. that there isn't one because there isn't any trust or communication.

Mraw, what happens if she texts him first? Wouldn't it come up as an unknown number then and draw attention to the number being changed?

Good point bumbler. When I suspected xp, I took his phone and spent 48 hours texting ow as him until I knew everything I needed to know and a whole lot more. He couldn't warn her as he had no other record of her number. Worked a treat for me.

Sorry, bumbley

I checked his phone call log last night for outgoing calls and there were none other than the one i knew about and heard. All other numbers were known to me (either my own number or members of my family). Still i couldn't shake the feeling and so I confronted him again last night. He didn't explain the rabbit in the headlights situation, but did say that he'd deleted all message threads because they had taken up room on his phone as he's been downloading a lot of music via an app. This is true, i know, as we use his phone to run music through our speakers. It sounded reasonably plausible, especially as he's known for his meticulous habits for being clean and tidy. He is forever re-organising his phone and making it 'neater'. I asked him about the phone under the pillow and he had no explanation for it other than "I don't know why i slept with it under my pollow". He was very drunk that night and does have a tendency to do strange things like that when drunk. I said he had seemed very possessive over his phone for the past few days whereas he would normally leave it around the house. Again, he didn't respond other than to say "please trust me".

Ultimately i have no proof. I know his responses don't quite stack up, but he hasn't been making excuses to get out of the house, hasn't been making/ receiving calls, hasn't changed the way he is with me etc. It will tear me up inside to keep thinking the worst, and he seemed genuinely upset. He knows that if he was cheating i would finish with him, no second chances. He knows the way i feel about trust. He did make a good point though, that until now our relationship has been based entirely on trust and it seems like that has now gone - whether i'm right, or wrong. I've doubted him and it saddens me.

I think i'll act like it's gone away but keep an eye out for any more signs. I really hope i'm wrong. I love him so much.

Don't keep asking him. You'll only get the evidence if he relaxes and no longer thinks you're onto him. You want good strong evidence otherwise as other posters have said, he'll fob you off.

Good luck,matana.

I would back off for now - he is aware that you are onto him and if there is anything to hide then he will be even more meticulous in covering his tracks.

Watch his actions - if he is distant, critical, stressed etc then he is likely to be having an affair.

Delete his text threads....for space.....yeah ok.

I've got thousands of movies, pics, tunes on my phone and text threads going back nearly 2 years. Text threads take up a really minuscule amount of space.

Master of deflection though....he's done a good job. Turned it around on you, that the change in the status quo is now down to you, so you feel bad....

Only you know your dh, none of us can truly say if anything has gone on, just trust your instincts. You've done the best thing talking to your dh. If in the future things still don't feel right then go with your gut, it's something I wish I'd have listened to more last year.

I think you're having the wrong conversation with your husband OP.

I suggested downthread that instead you had a conversation that acknowledges the propensity for work relationships to head down a slippery slope that leads to an affair and how these happen more in good marriages than bad ones, because the participants think they are invulnerable since they are so happy at home. I'd then move the conversation on to what boundaries he will put up in this friendship with his work colleague e.g. no drinks after work, no admissions of joint attraction and 'we'd make a good couple if things were different', no conversations about eachother's marriages/relationships and no creating opportunities to travel away from home on business.

Focusing on his behaviour with his phone is not dealing with the most salient issues. If he's on the brink of an affair, this will just alert him to be more careful.

Whereas getting him to face up to what's happening between him and his colleague now instead of what usually happens, an affair where the participants claim it 'just happened', is surely a more adult and sensible way of tackling this?

I shake my head at these people who act all horrified that they'd ever have an affair, as though they only happen in crap marriages to bad people. Well that's a myth. They are happening every day in workplaces all over the world, between good kind people who are in strong marriages but have lousy boundaries because they think they are immune and inviolate.

I think that's a very good post by Sternface.

Logistically it's very simple to have an affair with a colleague. When an affair is work based it's often easier to hide in that the cheaters probably don't need to change their normal routines very much. A friend of mine found out that her not so 'D' H had been getting blow jobs in the office toilets for close to two years before she caught him out! He was also shagging OW in his car at lunch time. She had no idea about what was going on because his routine hadn't changed, it was only when she noticed something on his computer that things clicked into place.
My point is - when two people are thrown together for 8 hours a day there are ways and means for things to happen.

OP I don't know if your husband is cheating or not, but I do think he may be close to it if nothing has happened so far. The other posters are correct - lay off asking questions about his phone. All that's doing is sending him warning signals and he will be extra careful.

The last time I was on here was last November. I started a similar thread. I flat out refused to believe all the replies that told me that anyone could have an affair. No matter how good the marriage. To be careful. To talk to my husband. To try and find out what was going on. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear it so much I ignored every instinct in my body and every warning bell that was going off in my head. I didn't want to hear it so much that I haven't been back in 8 months. In those 8 months I discovered my husband's affair, kicked him out, been to the lawyers, all but signed my separation agreement and come back here looking for advice on my new relationship (but that's another story for another thread ).

What I wanted to add to this thread is that I had the very conversation Sternface is suggesting. I had it with him before the affair started and again several times when it was going on (although I didn't yet know it). I told him that as much as I trusted him, the emotional relationship he seemed to be developing with his new "friend" (or slutty bitch as I like to think of her now) could be dangerous, could too easily lead to something more, no matter how unintentionally. He told me I should trust him. Then later he accused me of being selfish, of not wanting him to have new friends, of not wanting him to be happy. He was genuinely upset at the thought that I didn't trust him. After that he became paranoid and overly solicitous - every time my reply to a text message or email seemed a little terse I got a phone call from him checking I was ok (more like checking he hadn't been found out yet). Plus all the stuff with the phone, on it all the time but being funny about it, hiding it...

I sincerely hope you are wrong. All I can tell you from my own experience is that as much as it tore me apart when I found out the truth, knowing was better than not knowing.

Yogagirl good post - Ive been in the same situation, my STBXH had left before I discovered the texting though, but he left me right out of the blue, saying he didnt love me any more. When I discovered it, I stuck my head in the sand and tried to believe the best, that they were only good friends etc and tried everything to get him to come back to me.

Now I wish I hadnt bothered.....

Sadly they will hide it, as they initially dont think they are doing anything wrong, they will get defensive, then they get closer to the other party and so it goes on..... :(

Sorry but you have to get a hold of HIS phone copy the texts if there are any from OW , then confront him about them , good luck to you but I would not do anything with out evidence , this will give you the confidence to act, sorry you have to go through this take care.

I would trust your instinct that something isn't right.....

My DH had a 3 month affair this year & he always denied that anything was going on until I found proof. I would never have believed that he was capable of it as he was always so loyal & trustworthy.

I would agree that he isn't showing all the behaviour associated with affairs, so maybe it is in the early stages of getting a bit too close to someone.

My gut told me something wasn't right & when I discovered his weekend away, he still lied about the extent of involvement. Again, something didn't feel right & I eventually dug a little more until I found proof.

Incidentally, we've been married for 11 years & it would seem that a lot of affairs seem to occur between 10-15 year stage.

I really hope that it isn't an affair for you.

I always said that I'd leave my DH if he did it, but we're now trying to work through this. It's hard to just walk away when kids are involved. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through partly because I just cannot believe that he did it.

I did find a great website goasksuzie.com that has some good advice & you may find the suggestions for if you suspect something useful.

Good luck - fingers crossed for you cx