Is he having an affair?

[matana]

Firstly i should explain that my DH and I spend all of our spare time together and although it's cliched we really are best friends. We've had ups and downs like any normal couple, but he's a great father to our 20 mo DS and has always been loving and affectionate with me. He doesn't go out drinking and leave me holding the baby, we go out together and take our DS with us. What i'm saying is we're very close. Not everyone's cup of tea, but it's always worked for us. I have always trusted him implicitly (and he has me) on the odd occasion we have been apart in our 10 year relationship. But for maybe the past month we've had an argument every weekend about silly things.

On Thursday he went up north to see a customer and he travelled with a female colleague. They travelled up and came home the same day, so no overnight stop or anything. She recently moved to his department. He never used to like her when they worked together before, but he has spoken about her and said she's grown on him and they actually get on fine now. I wasn't suspicious at all. But on Thursday evening i waled into the bedroom and he was texting. As soon as he saw me her was like a rabbit in the headlights and it initially looked like he was going to hide his phone. I asked who he was texting and he replied 'Sara' so i made a comment about him all of a sudden being best mates with her. He told me he was texting her to say sorry for being moody earlier that evening when they has spoken (he wanted her help with some IT to get online from home), his text was to explain that he was pissed off about the fact he'd just got home and the car tyre was punctured. He showed me the text which said "Fucking car has a fucking puncture, sorry for sounding moody earlier".

Since then he's kept his phone very close to him. I managed to look at it the other day and all his messages had been wiped. Then yesterday evening i caught him on it again because he'd left the room and had been gone for some time. Again, the same rabbit in the headlights look. He slept with his phone under his pillow last night which i thought was pretty odd. I knew he had, but feigned ignorance this morning and casually asked him where his phone was because i wanted to play a game on it. He said he didn't know. When i left the room and came back in he said "oh here it is, it must have fallen down the side of the bed last night.

Please tell me i'm being paranoid.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I think the reason i had it out with him the other night was that it was eating me up and he's the only person i usually confide in - about anything. Not being able to talk to him about it forced me to take issue. Since then the conversations have moved on however and neither of us is shying away from my concerns. He said if he was going to have an affair (which he says he wouldn't) he wouldn't choose this woman as he's not attracted to her. Apparently she 'a mixed up individual' with a lot of 'issues' and a lifestyle he doesn't appreciate. In short, he doesn't fancy her, but he does feel quite sorry for her and has become a 'confidante' for her. He's been texting her, as well as another male colleague who apparently fancies her, as friends. The reason he tried to hide it was because he was concerned at how i would react and how i would feel about it. He maintains that nothing has gone on and nothing will, it is not even a glimmer of a possibility on the horizon. For now I have nothing but his word to go on and so am shutting up with the intention of carrying on as normal until such time as i do have some evidence. It's still hard though because i'm over analysing everything he says, everything he does and all his little 'moods' - even though i know he's always had 'moody' days - all of a sudden it's magnified and i wouldn't have through twice before.

He's not guarding his phone or permanently attached to it. It was lying on the hi fi cabinet all evening yesterday and i could have easily looked at it (though i'll monitor if this situation changes again). And it charged next to the bed all night. He offered to give me the phone, complete with SIM card and all the contacts, so he could prove that nothing was going on.

I understand what people are saying about work relationships and having a better opportunity to facilitate an affair. Nothing at all has changed in his routine (we car share 2 days per week and he's home regular as clockwork at 5.45 on the days we don't - he's very routined by nature but has to help with our DS a lot because i also work FT, which means he has to collect him from the CM etc). Other than this daytrip up north he does not appear to be 'creating' opportunities to get away from me - we simply spend too much time together. We even have a shared email account and he's not on Facebook. On the occasions he's been offered opportunities to go on courses or visit customers in other cities, he invariably turns them down and tells his bosses that he's on childminding duties so he can stay at home instead.

I am hoping that our conversations will have nipped whatever it is in the bud. But i'll remain vigilant.

The huge red flag here is . HE HID IT, as he knew how you'd feel and how you'd react. That is telling you, he knew full well he was doing wrong and he knew full well you'd be upset, so he hid it.

The phone means nothing, as he's probably got a second one of he has been busted. Sorry but. I think you'll be back :(

He said if he was going to have an affair (which he says he wouldn't) he wouldn't choose this woman as he's not attracted to her. Apparently she 'a mixed up individual' with a lot of 'issues' and a lifestyle he doesn't appreciate. In short, he doesn't fancy her, but he does feel quite sorry for her and has become a 'confidante' for her. He's been texting her, as well as another male colleague who apparently fancies her, as friends. The reason he tried to hide it was because he was concerned at how i would react and how i would feel about it.

Sorry but this is not reassuring.

He knew it was wrong so hid it from you.

He is too close to this woman - why are they sharing personal stuff?

I would be wary about him seeing himself as a knight in shining armour - they are the kind who get into affairs.

The not my type excuse is as old as the hills talk about trying to put you off the scent!

Lots of men get into affairs with issue-laden damsels in distress for whom there is no great physical attraction...at first. The attraction is not the woman herself, it's the feelings the relationship gives him about himself....as a rescuer, protector, confidante. So when she repays his kindness by telling him how wonderful he is and she wished she'd met a man like him, he finds himself addicted to the good feelings about himself that it produces.

He's being extremely disingenuous when he says that he didn't tell you because of your presumed reaction and feelings about it. At least a part of him didn't tell you because he knew himself it was dangerous and that if you had discovered it, then it would have to stop and he didn't want that.

If he sees her every day, he won't need to change his routine either. Many workplace affairs are conducted during working hours or during half-days taken simultaneously so that no suspicions are aroused by later home-times.

If your husband doesn't want an affair then the best thing he can do is to put some boundaries up and stop acting as this woman's shoulder to cry on. If this carries on, he will at some later stage tell anyone who's prepared to listen that he never intended to have an affair and that it 'just happened'. People don't realise how much they are getting addicted until it's too late.

That's a nice way of saying "I hid it because you are crazy and would go mad".

He means, I think, that he wants to carry on texting her even though he knows it is wrong so he is willing to lie and blame you.

If he has an iPhone he can delete specific calls from the log, so it looks like a phone call (either made or received) never happened. You can do the same with text conversations, just deleting all the ruddy duddy stuff so it seems perfectly innocent. So I wouldn't rely 100% on the phone evidence.

What he has admitted - that he has been texting her and acting as a confidante fitted with what you have noticed - withdrawal and irritability doesnt look good.

Also considering your previous post. You relationship has been based on unquestioning trust, so you don't have "form" for being jealous.

It's even more damning that he lied to you. Which he's now trying to suggest is your fault, that the trust is gone.

He did make a good point though, that until now our relationship has been based entirely on trust and it seems like that has now gone - whether i'm right, or wrong. I've doubted him and it saddens me.

Like I said master of deflection, any issue is now your fault, for questioning that trust.

You had good reason to though didn't you? He was lying to you and hiding communication, because in his words, he was worried how you'd react and feel.....but still carried on regardless. Telling no? He knew it was wrong so lied. That in itself is an admission of an EA in my book.

umm.I would be inclined to believe him but I could be wrong.
I do still think there is a danger,as your married husband,by his own admission,has become a confidante.Not sure if she is married herself,or not.And also ,he is also sharing all this with another male colleague.
I would try and call his bluff.Say,you will also help with this woman's issues.There are already 3 people involved,so he cant really complain if there are 4.
Then see how he reacts,and whether he does indeed show you everything,including what he is alledgedly sending to the other male colleague.

See I think if it was that and there was genuine surprise at the possibility it might be inappropriate he wouldn't be saying he was worried what she'd think, even then if that thought had occurred to him, once it became apparent that his wife had noticed something wrong and was upset, a husband who was focused on the wife might say "really? Perhaps it is crossing a line to start getting involved with her life outside work, I'm really sorry and don't want you to be upset, i'll leave the consoling to the other workmate" what he has said lays the way for the wife blaming which comes later and indicates that he has no intention of stopping being her confidante. They work together, she is not his friend, it is unprofessional to get embroiled at the least so he is risking his job and his marriage to carry on being her confidante - why?

And he says he doesn't much like her? Just not believable I'm afraid...

I think that's believable. There was a thread recently that I was on where this very phenomenon was being discussed, this time with a woman who was having an affair with someone who she'd never thought about 'that way'. For some people, they ignore their first instincts to dislike and even repel someone because they are ridiculously seduced by the other person's liking of them. One of the things people like that have to work on is to accept that some people will like them without there being a need to reciprocate that affection. If people have this character failing and a need to feel 'needed' then it's often a recipe for disaster.....

Why the rabbit in the headlights looks though? How does innocent texting a colleague/friend provoke these rabbit in the headlights reactions from him when you enter the room? Why would he become someones confidant if he knew it would upset you or give you cause for concern?

Your relationship to date has been based on trust, yet he lies about something totally silly (if everything is as innocent as he protests). At least it sounds as though he has a strong 'tell' to give himself away when he isn't being honest with you.

Matana, I've read the whole thread.

I think your DH is quite far into an emotional affair with this woman, at the very least. You were right to suspect something.

He needs to drop all contact with this woman immediately. He's knows what he's doing is wrong - it's bad that he tried to hide it from you, and worse that he then blamed YOU for a breakdown in trust. HIS actions were responsible for that, not yours.

Even in your OP when he said he was apologising to the woman for 'being moody earlier' - I'm afraid that's massive alarm bells for me. It's just not normal language between friends or colleagues - it's another level of intimacy. Possibly him desperately trying to get into her good books for whatever reason.

Be careful.

Given the timeframe you set out, it is possible that you have discovered this before it has developed into a full blown physical affair. But at the very least, he has formed an emotional attachment to this woman and that is why he behaved like a rabbit in headlights when you caught him texting. He enjoys her company and is starting to devote considerable energy to his relationship with her. Time and energy which should be focused on you.

Men are very straighforward creatures. We do not spend time outside of work worrying about the feelings of women work colleagues who we don't really like. A quick "you alright?" is about the extent of it. This whole hero/rescuer set-up is as old as the hills. It is basically his excuse to allow himself to get close to this woman. If nothing is done to stop it, it will continue to a full blown affair. In your heart you know there is no earthly reason why a man would sleep with a phone under his pillow. Now you have confronted him, he will just make sure that all texts are deleted - it's a pretty easy thing to do.

If he is serious about what he says then he will agree to forgo any contact with this woman outside of work hours. If he reacts negatively to that suggestion accusing you of controlling his life, then you have your proof that he is having an emotional affair. If she really means nothing to him then why would he be remotely bothered about cutting down contact with her. Surely he would feel mortified that he had upset you.

Please don't be fooled by the 'she's not my type' script.In the aftermath of my DHs inappropriate friendship with OW he met through work he a) didn't change his routine at all b)when he did mention her briefly, before he stopped talking about her to me altogether when things were really accelerating between them, he made several derogatory comments about her.eg.Oh she's very opinionated and full on.She has some weird and very entrenched views.The sort of traits he wouldn't find at all attractive.Was it a deliberate smokescreen to stop me wondering if they were getting close? did he do it subconsciously and because he felt guilty that they were spending A LOT of time together and talking and texting? a bit of both I hindsight.
It can be a case of protesting too much IMO.So just because he 'reassures' you he wouldn't find her attractive keepmlisteningbto your instincts.
Sternface wisely said it 's not about OW and her qualities ,it's about how she makes HIM feel.Flattered, needed, a confidante ( very dangerous one )

Not my type is standard jargon for 'is my type but I don't want to tell you that'. In my experience anything like 'mousy, mumsy, a bit of an air-head, sweet but not my type...' anything like that (combined with the texts and secrecy especially) and he is either having sex with her already or hoping/planning to.

Hmm. The whole - "She's troubled, I'm helping her" - thing, just makes it sound worse to me!

Perhaps he is being naive here, but this is definitely not a healthy set up for a married man to be in.

Matana - first of all can I just say how much I feel for you right now. I know exactly what it's like to be reading all these posts saying things you really don't want to hear or believe, wanting so much to believe the man you've loved and trusted all these years is not betraying you, feeling like your whole world is on the brink... I know because that was me 8 months ago and it was absolutely bloody terrifying. So I feel for you so much. I wish I could give you a hug and hold your hand and help you find out the truth so you could know the right way forward. I don't know how you do private messaging on here, but if at any point you want to get in touch and just talk, let me know and I'll figure it out.

So, as much as I know you don't want to hear yet more evidence against him... instead of "she's troubled, I'm helping her" I got "She's just helping me"...and instead of "If I was going to have an affair (which I wouldn't) I wouldn't choose her", I got "If I was going to have an affair (which I wouldn't) why would I tell you about her?".

I swear there's a script somewhere, like buying exam papers. It's so cliche that if it wasn't your own life on the verge of falling apart it would be funny. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound glib or even bitter...at the end of the day it's just plain sad.

Just remember that whatever is happening, you will survive it. xx

I've been like some kind of stealth assassin around the house. For example, when he thinks i'm running the bath for DS, or in the shower etc i've been keeping a close eye on to try to catch him out (not in an obvious way). Absolutely nothing has given me any reason for concern - he's been pottering around, preparing dinner, watering the garden, dressing/ changing DS etc like he normally does (again this behaviour is not out of the ordinary as he always does a lot around the house). Again, his phone was lying accessible in the garden all evening - no texting and the only call he made was to his sister. He doesn't have an iphone he has an HTC - not sure if calls can be deleted from those? He's said he's been asked to go to see his customer in Stockport next month but has told his boss he's not going.

My concern now is that i've planned to go to see my best friend in London on Saturday (stopping overnight) which would give him a perfect opportunity for something to happen. I'm considering not going because all i'll do while i'm there is worry that i've handed him a golden opportunity. And then curse myself for not trusting him. But if i don't go he'll know i'm not over this and so the cycle continues. I feel like a complete fraud telling him i trust him on the one hand, and looking for signs on the other. Even soaps make uncomfortable viewing because i feel like we're each wondering what the other is thinking (re. Corrie - Karl and Sunita's affair). He said last night: "She'll take the kids with her" (a comment he would have made anyway) and i replied "That's what tends to happen, yes." Awkward silence.

The thing is i've been doing a lot of thinking about 'the worst case scenario' and have even begun looking at property rental prices and thinking of what the future would look like without him. I'm capable of being financially independent and earn more than him. We have a lot of equity in the house, so i know i'd be fine on my own financially. But when it comes down to it, i look at my gorgeous son playing happily without a care in the world and think "I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't deprive him of a relationship with his daddy". And he is an excellent daddy.

When your relationship ends you don't end his relationship with his dad. However I truly think this that you are living is the worst case scenario. Stop snooping and obsessing and actually talk to him if you are finding it hard to trust him.

It's incredibly hard to be a part time dad - i know this because he has 2 teenage DDs and i've witnessed the ups and downs over many years. His relationship with them is not as strong as it should be and not for wont of trying.

I have spoken to him, we just go around in circles. He can't convince me he's not cheating and i can't trust him: end of story.

Everything you say does indeed sound positive. Maybe there was nothing, or maybe something you said got through and stopped it before it started. That would be great. But it's also good that if it came down to it you're not afraid of being on your own. You sound strong - stay that way and you'll figure this out! xx

Errr don't beat yourself up for not trusting him.

He lied to you as he was worried how you'd feel and react. Two things. The deceit. The fact he knew it would bother you and upset you. Suggest he knew it was wrong and boundaries were crossed and you'd be hurt. But did it anyway. Both together suggest an ea at the very least. So why should you trust him?

If you can't trust him you need to separate or go to couples counselling. You cannot modify your life like this and you will destroy the relationship with this snooping.