mil issues- is this normal- is this acceptable. help me decide how to tackle.

[feekerry]

i had our first dc 15 weeks ago. first gc on both sides of the family so i understand how excited everyone is. however, i am increasingly becoming very annoyed with mil and the way she behaves. on average i usually meet her in town once a week for a couple of hours and then at weekend me and dp will take dd over to see her for an hour or so. she is very overbearing and says things that really annoy me. so much so i dread seeing her now and do everything i can to avoid her. she means well but some of the things she says are plain rude in my opinion.

she is obsessed with seeing/cuddling dc. for example, i agreed to meet her in town the other week to do a bit of shopping. she insisted on pushing pram for the whole 2 hours (fine by me, dont see what the big deal is!) ended the outing by saying goodbye, see you next week. she replied- "oh, no, i haven't got to cuddle dc today so you'll have to come over at weekend"

she's recently said some things which indicate she is not happy only seeing DC once or twice a week. she said she saw a friend the other day and that friend asked her if she was a granny yet as she's never seen mil with the DC. mil replies yes i am but i never get to see her thats why you haven;t seen me with her.
or another one was she told me she was having nightmares. i asked what about and she said not seeing DC enough.
when i do take DC over to see her all she wants to do is cuddle her really close and DC hates it. if i say, thats enough now i'll pop her on her mat, or i need to feed her she says things like "ooh quick lets run away, lets hide from mummy" or if DC cries and i go to take her back she says stuff like she'll have to get used to me, i'll try settle her.

she offered to pay for us all to go on holiday(lovely, very nice) but then found out it was on the condition she came too!!

she bought a travel cot and complains she'll never get to use it. she'll ring/text all the time saying can she come over, which i always say no to. she asks for photos nearly every day.

recently i said would she like to take dc out for a walk whilst i got on with some bits. she replied she would love that but then said i'll walk her over to mine and get her out and cuddle her then you can come and get her later! i said no, i meant take her out for a walk and bring her back to me. she said if she couldnt get her out then she wouldn't bother with the walk!

she pokes/talks really loudly in dc's face if she's asleep so she'll wake up for a 'cuddle'

is this normal behaviour?? is once/twice a week not enough?? does it always have to be cuddle time, cant we go shopping or for a walk???

half of me thinks she isn't my mother and dp should arrange to see her but its hard as a breast feed on demand and dc wont take bottle so i kinda need to be there.

am i just being a bitch or is this too much

I don't think your being a bitch, twice a week seems fine to me... maybe just let her take DD of your hands for an hour or two if you trust her. If she wakes DD to cuddle her fine - either she will be able to settle DD and will enjoy the cuddles or she won't and get fed up holding a screaming baby and change her opinions?!

Obsessing over one's grandchildren (especially when it's their first one) is very normal ime. That said, your MIL does sound rather overbearing so I can't blame you for getting cheesed off now.

Would your DP have a gentle word with his mum for you? Just ask her to stop nagging to have baby overnight (she's only 15 weeks old! Plenty of time for that for crying out loud!). She sounds enthusiastic rather than mean and unpleasant. Enthusiasm can be irritating ofcourse, especially when someone is constantly laying guilt trips at your door.

She sounds like a PITA to me. My Mum could (and still is at times 4 years after having DS) be a bit like this, always moaning about not seeing DS enough even though she saw him at least once a week and complaining about him not coming over enough to use the newly decorated Thomas the Tank engine bedroom and swing and a whole manner of other stuff she has bought for him- I think she thinks it will convince me to just leave him with her permanantly, she is over bearing too.
Don't rise to her comments. What does your DH say? Can't he have a word with her about it?

Unfortunatly, yes. You are the Mother of course. Things will get better. Just the circle of life adjusting. Twice a week is fine. Remember you lay the ground rules. She will respect you for that and in time you will get on better.

Twice a week is more than enough, she is being v unreasonable. But first grandchild everyone seems to go bit mad for some reason, luckily dd was grandchild no 3 so everything had calmed down by then. I think you may have to get your Dp to have a word. Hopefully you'll be able to express soon and he can take dc to visit without you.

feekerry you are not bitchy at ALL. You have an awful awful obsessed mil like I did. Thank God I ran away from stbxh due to allowing mil intefere endlessly! Can you imagine she(mil) demanded to come to our honeymoon promising to pay half the hotel bill?! Hmm I wish I kicked her ass and told her to feck off stay way.
Where is your dp in all these? Have you spoken to him about it?

Don't be in a rush to end the Mummy baby phase. There is no need for you to be apart until you feel ready. The more family emotionally blackmailed me/dis respected me made me push them away.

My friends MIL was also like this with her 1st, he was 2nd grandchild but 1st DGS. He is 5 now and a little shit a handful at times- ironically enough she can't get MIL to babysit for love nor money, funny how the novelty wears off

blimey nobhead, that whole making a room for the baby at the grandparent's house is really odd.

OP, you sound like you are quite strong and able to set boundaries but maybe get DH to re-inforce them?

In the West there seems to be an obsession with separating infants from their Mothers and outsourcing babies to other family members. Basic nature/biology is ignored.

That is a bit much, she is being pretty intense and rather selfish.

Unfortunately, I think this stuff does kind of go with the territory of being a daughter in law - you can almost feel like you are an inconvenient barrier to the baby with the nicest in laws - throw a bit of tactlessness into the bargain and all hell breaks loose.

I think that it is such an enormous thing becoming a grandparent that it can make people just DESPERATE to build a relationship immediately like it is all about THEM, forgetting that actually the mother needs lots of backup and a bit of sensitivity for a few months! When my usually lovely, sensitive inlaws came to see my son in hospital 24 hours after my emergency section/big blood loss, they were so obsessed with the boy that nobody thought to ask if I was OK, or even to get up from taking all the seats/space on the hospital bed so I could even sit down!

Having a newborn is such a vulnerable time and that baby can feel like the only thing you've got - you aren't working and are recovering from birth and this baby is your whole world - it is tough. So be a bit 'selfish' and just see her once a week or whatever won't drive you insane.

I breastfeed on demand too, but at eight months, it has become so much easier to hand my son to my OH - so as soon as your baby is weaned, just hand her over to your husband to take to see his mother while you have a break and paint your toenails. Being kissed and fiddled with is unlikely to harm your daughter - and being loved by an extended family is a blessing in life. However, you don't need to have the MIL in your face...

I think she is being totally unreasonable. Why should you even want to express anyway? more work for you. Your DP needs to man up and tell her to back off! Thank her for wanting to help but ask her to do stuff for you...like stuff around the house. I bet she doesn't do that does she? Tell her to stop going on about not seeing her GC, it's manipulative and frankly toxic, she needs to start respecting you. Set the boundaries now or she be feeding your DC chocolate when you are not looking. It sounds like she needs to get her own life too. A lot of old people never get touched, maybe that's why she wants the cuddles, but that's not your problem. I'm sounding harsh but the word MIL makes me harsh!

The day will come when you will welcome MIL looking after her grandchild for a couple of hours now and again. For a woman of grandmother age, cuddling a young baby is the most fantastic and calming experience. I know, I am a grandmother and now we look after our grandchildren while their Mummies are able to pursue their careers.

What's your own mum like? Can you get together with both of them and have a quiet word with your mum first to set a good example? It might help your MIL realise that she is being suffocating and that your DD does not belong to her!

Twice a week is plenty- your dp def needs to speak to his mum! She sounds excited which is lovely (my Mum is not at all interested and mil too far away!) but possibly trying to be a bit controlling? Stay strong and keep your baby close to you!

ye she does mean well, shes not nasty, but i do think some of the things she says are bordering on rude. she is like the head of the family and is known for being very over dramatic/over bearing. dp can take dd out for an hour or two without a feed as dd is happy to go out and about with him so i told him he'd have to step up a bit and see his mother more without me as she was doing my head in. he agreed but it hasn't really worked as mil just wants to cuddle non stop and dd seems to get really upset (she smokes loads and covers it up with really strong perfume so suspect this is half the reason dd cries!) and my dp has to leave to calm dd down.

i dont see why we cant just do stuff out and about, why does it all have to be sitting in and 'cuddling'?

i asked if she'd like to go for lunch with us last week and she said yes at first, then asked if dd would be coming out the buggy for a cuddle if we went for lunch, i said prob not as she usually sleeps so she replied lets not bother with lunch then!!!!

there is no way dp would confront her directly as she is likely to cry/sulk( seriously, she would physically cry). i fear i am close to snapping at her tho.

No you are not a bitch,she sounds like a bloody nightmare.
I think twice a week is absolutely reasonable.if she wants to see the baby more often then you make it clear that it's a walk then she returns baby within a time frame like you already did.if she wants to that much them that will be acceptable to her,or get your dp to go round and see her between feeds.
My mil is ok,but I have no desire to see her 3-4 times a week,she doesn't respect our parenting regarding lots of issues,undermines dp when he tries to discipline them and has no understanding of personal safety.needless to say she doesn't look after them alone as she is a liability.
When they were born she told family members to stop buying gifts for them as it was 'her moment and her grandchildren',dp told her 'its actually Baygreens moment don't you think?she has carried them for 9months and delivered them safely,and you have no right to spoil our time by telling people to not buy gifts'
Enjoy your baby and set clear boundarys and expectations but dont feel guilty,you are her mother and you will never get this time back so dont let it be filled with upset and guilt.

Fanjo I know, they always want to buy him big ridiculous expensive presents as well it drives me nuts. Her and my Dad wanted to buy DS one of those £300 electric mini Ferrari things for xmas one year. I said no because a) it's far too expensive a gift for a 2 year old (or any DGC for that matter) b)We live in a small 2 bed terraced house with a tiny yard and no garage or shed to keep it in. Her reply was "well there's no point buying it for our house because we never see him." She makes plans for me and when I say no she does the emotional blackmail thing and sighs. Pisses me right off, my opinion of her has got so much worse since having DS.

For a woman of grandmother age, cuddling a young baby is the most fantastic and calming experience.

That's nice for the grandmother Amber but that doesn't mean it's ok for the OP's MIL to upset both her and her DD just so that she can have extra cuddles.

hermione my own mum is FAB. we do stuff like go for walks, shopping, lunch etc and as a result i see her alot more than mil. also, my mum does stuff like take dd for walks so i can rest and comes over and makes me a cuppa and entertains dd so i can drink it in peace!!!

i think mil knows i spend alot more time with my mum and that seems to be making her even more overbearing, but, at the end of the day she is MY mum. my mil is not my mum!!

I didnt think you were U with the first post, but now you've mentioned the smoking and the perfume (mainly the smoking) you are even less U! Heavy smoker cuddling your baby - no thanks!

Feel for you, I have a MIL who can turn on the waterworks.... she sounds a bit cuddle obsessed - there will be loads more opportunities to build a relationship when the child is older so stick to your guns, you don't need to see her more than twice a week

Maybe it'd be a good thing if you said something to her, OP. After all, she's hardly restraining herself, is she? As long as you can do it calmly and reasonably, it might help things.

Baygreen, that is hilarious but I can well believe it.

Actually you MIL sounds exactly like mine... only wants to cuddle DD, doesn't do any of the useful things my own mum does, was really annoyed (I think) that I breastfed both mine as she loves nothing better than feeding her other GCs with bottles

mildesperandum totally with you on the breast feeding thing. she constantly asks when i'll wean her, when i'll try a bottle of expressed milk again as it'll be easier for everyone apparently??!!!