mil issues- is this normal- is this acceptable. help me decide how to tackle.

[feekerry]

i had our first dc 15 weeks ago. first gc on both sides of the family so i understand how excited everyone is. however, i am increasingly becoming very annoyed with mil and the way she behaves. on average i usually meet her in town once a week for a couple of hours and then at weekend me and dp will take dd over to see her for an hour or so. she is very overbearing and says things that really annoy me. so much so i dread seeing her now and do everything i can to avoid her. she means well but some of the things she says are plain rude in my opinion.

she is obsessed with seeing/cuddling dc. for example, i agreed to meet her in town the other week to do a bit of shopping. she insisted on pushing pram for the whole 2 hours (fine by me, dont see what the big deal is!) ended the outing by saying goodbye, see you next week. she replied- "oh, no, i haven't got to cuddle dc today so you'll have to come over at weekend"

she's recently said some things which indicate she is not happy only seeing DC once or twice a week. she said she saw a friend the other day and that friend asked her if she was a granny yet as she's never seen mil with the DC. mil replies yes i am but i never get to see her thats why you haven;t seen me with her.
or another one was she told me she was having nightmares. i asked what about and she said not seeing DC enough.
when i do take DC over to see her all she wants to do is cuddle her really close and DC hates it. if i say, thats enough now i'll pop her on her mat, or i need to feed her she says things like "ooh quick lets run away, lets hide from mummy" or if DC cries and i go to take her back she says stuff like she'll have to get used to me, i'll try settle her.

she offered to pay for us all to go on holiday(lovely, very nice) but then found out it was on the condition she came too!!

she bought a travel cot and complains she'll never get to use it. she'll ring/text all the time saying can she come over, which i always say no to. she asks for photos nearly every day.

recently i said would she like to take dc out for a walk whilst i got on with some bits. she replied she would love that but then said i'll walk her over to mine and get her out and cuddle her then you can come and get her later! i said no, i meant take her out for a walk and bring her back to me. she said if she couldnt get her out then she wouldn't bother with the walk!

she pokes/talks really loudly in dc's face if she's asleep so she'll wake up for a 'cuddle'

is this normal behaviour?? is once/twice a week not enough?? does it always have to be cuddle time, cant we go shopping or for a walk???

half of me thinks she isn't my mother and dp should arrange to see her but its hard as a breast feed on demand and dc wont take bottle so i kinda need to be there.

am i just being a bitch or is this too much

just to add for those that thought i was being pfb (which i prob am to a degree) we often go for lunch/dinner there. for example we spent 5 hours there the other weekend so she got her fill. i thought great, thats our visiting duties done for the week, but no. 15 hours later i get a text saying can i come over.....

i think what gets to me is the expectation that i'm expected to say yes to every visiting request. i think it boils down to the fact we have different ideas on what is expected of families. for example, me and my family have a very laid back attitude to things. i might see them only once a week but that suits us all. we often do things like shopping or walking but rarely sit in and have dinner. we dont make a big deal of birthdays and have a small gathering at christmas.
my dp's family on the other hand are very family orinantated. do sunday lunch every week expect all family members to attend, huge fuss made over xmas and birthdays, everyone expected to attend. will often invite neighbours over etc. mil is the at the helm.
for example, i was told when another one of there relitives had there baby the whole family bundled into the hospital and each and every family member took it in turns to hold the baby. this is common place in there family. my family are more "let us know when your feeling up to us visiting" types

"ye she does mean well, shes not nasty, but i do think some of the things she says are bordering on rude. she is like the head of the family and is known for being very over dramatic/over bearing"

Sorry feekerry but this matriarchal woman is to my mind toxic. Also I would daresay no-one in the family has ever properly challenged her authority so such excessive behaviours go unchallenged so her behaviours worsen. She has had her go at being a parent but now she was to do the same again with your child!. She is also known in the family for being dramatic/overbearing; yet more red flags. Cries at the drop of a hat, has nightmares re Note her holiday offer as well; this was not really an offer was it?. Her condition was to pay for it but come along with you as well!. At least you did not fall for that piece of manipulation.

Re your comment too:-
"And why does she have to say things like lets runaway from mummy then she takes her to another room or upstairs?"
Another red flag amongst many. Your MIL is completely self absorbed and obsessed; normally well balanced and emotionally healthy individuals would not act like this. I would be avoiding this woman as much as humanely possible.

Your man too needs to have firm words with his mother and you both need to present a united front with regards to this person. If you do not she will exploit any weakness in you as a couple. All she has to do is turn on the waterworks and he backs off.

BTW you do not mention FIL in all this; is he still around?.

These boundaries you have re her; raise them higher than they already are. I also get the impression that your man is somewhat in awe or afraid of his mother and always wants her approval.

You go also with your man and child when he visits his mother; to not do so plays even more into her hands.

So, if she can´t cuddle her GD, she´d rather not see her?

Fine-she can not see her, then!

fil is lovely but they lead quite seperate lives (i.e he works away alot) so we only tend to see him at the weekend for an hour or so. and even then mil snatches dd of fil as "its my turn now"

ye its prob true that dp doesnt want to upset her. she used to years ago when we first met do things like leave him a voicemail saying "dont ignore me, i gave birth to you"!!!

an example of what happened couple of weeks ago- i agreed to meet her in town. she asked if she was allowed to push buggy. i said of course. she was all excited and i thought great, maybe were getting somewhere! i had dd in the forward facing stroller as have to get her used to it before we use it for a weekend away. mil was devestated that she was in the stroller. she kept saying can i put the hood down so i can see the top of her head??!!! anyway, we spent 3 hours in town. she then said can i see her tomorrow to cuddle. i said were quite busy but ye fine. so i took her over and dd was asleep and stayed asleep in the car seat. i spent about an hour round there to see if dd would wake up but she didnt so we left. as we left mil said you'll have to come round again tomorrow so i can cuddle. i begrudgingly said ye, but just quickly. again, the car ride sent dd to sleep and she stayed asleep again. as we left mil was moaning again sayin you'll have to come round the next day as i haven't cuddled this week. i said no this time as that would have been the 4th day in a row!!!! she sulked and didnt even say goodbye when i left!!!

feekerry

Keep stating no to this woman. You give an inch, she will take a mile. She will simply not respond to any reasoned argument and sulks to try and get her own way.

BTW what do you actually know about this woman's childhood and background?. That will give clues. Does she herself have siblings; has she fallen out with them over the years?.

Hmmm, re FIL. Sounds like he is also acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life as many such bystanders are inclined to do. What does he do btw when his wife snatches his grandchild off him, does he say anything to her?.

She will continue to manipulate, coerce and guilt trip the two of you, not to mention your child as well, until the end of her days. You both have to act in unison with regards to his mother and both of you need to have clear and firm boundaries in place. Keep saying no and meaning no.

re your comment:-
"yes its prob true that dp doesnt want to upset her. she used to years ago when we first met do things like leave him a voicemail saying "dont ignore me, i gave birth to you"!!!"

The warning signs re his mother were all too apparant back then re this comment. No, re probably that your man does not want to upset her. He does not likely feel he can upset her, he is afraid of her really.

I would also suggest you read Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward as that could well help you as well.

Not wanting to upset your mum is fine-unless it´s leading to her upsetting your own bloody wife!

My MIL upset me once.

The next time she phone my husband told her that she had upset me & could she be more thoughtful in future.

Next time we saw them she was in tears & wanting to know if my husband still loved her.

Well yeah, but his respect for her hit zero!

As a GM who breastfed 30+ years ago (response to a previous post) I do get how important bf is, my children were over 1 before I stopped. So it isn't a generational thing, it's the fact that the OP's MiL is obsessive.
Can you not get your DH to speak to her before it all gets too much and you blow your top? Because they'll be no going back from that.

Oh, and the smoking would be the final straw for me, anyway.

My MIL was exactly like this when my DD was born. They visited every day in hospital (5 days) then arrived in the evening of the day we came out of hospital and just sat there. For hours. All she wanted to do was grab the baby.

In our case this was the 4th grandchild but the first granddaughter after 3 sons. She wanted photos all the time and always took them either of DD alone or with the ILs. Never us in them. We arrived at their house when DD was really tiny and they had a neighbour in. "oh good Joan you can see the baby" she said and grabbed her off me to hand to this woman I had never seen before in my life.

DH would never stand up to her and it caused so many rows. The more she grabbed the more I just wanted to run away with DD.

I will say that with MILs like this the interest wanes when the child is old enough to get out of their arms and walk off . My MIL just moved on to the next new baby. I was furious when she came to see newborn DC4 and totally ignored the others excited "hello nanny" in her desperation to grab another new baby. They were 2, 4 and 5 at the time :(

Needless to say that once they were all at school MIL eased right off, and once they were at secondary school the visits stopped altogether.

It's nice that she's taking an interest in her grandchild, but it does all sound like far too much. Seeing her once or twice a week sounds like plenty to me. I think you just have to be firm about saying no to the things you find intrusive and annoying.

No need to be rude or nasty to her, just keep calmly saying no, e.g. 'no, please don't wake her up, it's nap time', 'no we have plans for the weekend actually, but we'll see you next week', 'no, I need to feed her now', 'no, I'm very busy tomorrow, how about the day after?'. You are in control of your life, and your baby.

Personally I have no time at all for people trying to emotionally manipulate me, you need to calmly ignore the crying and all the dramatics and implausible 'nightmares' - IMO if someone behaves like a toddler, you treat them like one (i.e. ignoring the attention seeking behaviour!)

I am in your shoes (or rather I was until I bravely suggested that my mil respect our family time and caused uproar!!). My MIL was also thrilled with the arrival of her first GC, however we are in the slightly different situation of having adopted our DD. with adoption comes a recommendation that we did not have visitors for at least 3 or 4 weeks. We invited her round for a brief (stressed this) visit. She did not leave an came round every day for 4 days until my DH said that no one was to come round!!

All went well for a couple of weeks. But it has since felt like a constant stream of "when am i seeing her". She has on several occasions come round only to go straight out the door when I have advised that DD is napping. On one occasion she said "but she's awake, I can hear her"!!

She has accused me of hiding from her as my pram was in my hall (we hadn't taken it), used emotional blackmail - saying that she wouldn't see her unless we went round on a certain day as she was working late all week (she wasn't and came round every day), followed me into a restaurant when I said that I couldn't meet up as was having lunch, and been round 4 days out of 5 weekdays - always when my DH is coming home from work and needs time with his child!

I too, was irritated by her overbearing manner toward our DD - lovely that she clearly loves her but not mindful of our child's needs - often visibly squirming to get away from her.

So I took some advice and tried to broach the subject; not wanting to upset her, but to explain that if she cooled it a bit re visiting/texing every day i might relax a bit too! Rather than feel hounded. The outcome - she went bonkers!! But I am standing my ground - if she cannot respect our boundaries and our lives then that I her problem.

1 or 2 times a week is fine!! I feel your pain though !! Hope you manage to sort yours out in a less explosive way!

Be brave and set your boundaries now or you will be expected to consult on everything from which secondary school she goes to whether she can go on the student exchange to how many guests she should have at her wedding, and if you disagree there'll be even worse sulks.

MILs can be wonderful, but some go over the top when gcs come into the equation. Be firm now and you are likely to have a much better relationship in the long run.

Good grief she sounds obsessed.

I thought the toxins from fags stayed in clothing and baby breathed it in? about 10 years ago a dad to be I knew gave up as the midwife said if you smoke everyday the fumes stay in your clothes and get into the baby.

Maybe she was just trying to get him to give up!.

I would set the boundaries now, it's not your fault she has a dh who works away. Does your dh have any siblings?

I had to tell my MIL that DD was my baby and not hers!! Luckily she took my bollockings pointed humour and we ended up with a great relationship. I knew she loved DD, I just had to mould it!

I think they should hand out leaflets on how to deal with first GC to Mils and also to new DILs in hospital.

They do go mad and also you may be in thier menapause as well...

I also got the " she needs to get used to me" and yet my DD saw mil alot when baby - always screamed when she held her - and saw other people alot less and she was fine with them.

Mine also woke baby up. And saw her an awful lot.

I just think waking the baby up says it all really - its all about them. How selfish can you get?

I also find the come away with me comments odd.

It is perculiar....I am just wondering what would be going through my head if i was holding GC looking at DIL saying things like that....

Maybe MIl senses you arnt happy .....that can make them even more grasping....as they feel thier grip slipping?

Anyway - she is bloody bloody lukcy to see GC twice a week - really she is,.....maybe you should mention some horror stories to her....." I am sooo glad MIL WE get on sooo well and you see soooo much of DD, I was talking to x y z at my baby group and my goodness - some mil/dil relationships are awful, not all mils fault of course - but some mils treat dils like an annoying barrier to baby once born and they have been told to back off....I am so glad you get to see DD so much - infact more than any other MIl i know of...."