mil issues- is this normal- is this acceptable. help me decide how to tackle.

[feekerry]

i had our first dc 15 weeks ago. first gc on both sides of the family so i understand how excited everyone is. however, i am increasingly becoming very annoyed with mil and the way she behaves. on average i usually meet her in town once a week for a couple of hours and then at weekend me and dp will take dd over to see her for an hour or so. she is very overbearing and says things that really annoy me. so much so i dread seeing her now and do everything i can to avoid her. she means well but some of the things she says are plain rude in my opinion.

she is obsessed with seeing/cuddling dc. for example, i agreed to meet her in town the other week to do a bit of shopping. she insisted on pushing pram for the whole 2 hours (fine by me, dont see what the big deal is!) ended the outing by saying goodbye, see you next week. she replied- "oh, no, i haven't got to cuddle dc today so you'll have to come over at weekend"

she's recently said some things which indicate she is not happy only seeing DC once or twice a week. she said she saw a friend the other day and that friend asked her if she was a granny yet as she's never seen mil with the DC. mil replies yes i am but i never get to see her thats why you haven;t seen me with her.
or another one was she told me she was having nightmares. i asked what about and she said not seeing DC enough.
when i do take DC over to see her all she wants to do is cuddle her really close and DC hates it. if i say, thats enough now i'll pop her on her mat, or i need to feed her she says things like "ooh quick lets run away, lets hide from mummy" or if DC cries and i go to take her back she says stuff like she'll have to get used to me, i'll try settle her.

she offered to pay for us all to go on holiday(lovely, very nice) but then found out it was on the condition she came too!!

she bought a travel cot and complains she'll never get to use it. she'll ring/text all the time saying can she come over, which i always say no to. she asks for photos nearly every day.

recently i said would she like to take dc out for a walk whilst i got on with some bits. she replied she would love that but then said i'll walk her over to mine and get her out and cuddle her then you can come and get her later! i said no, i meant take her out for a walk and bring her back to me. she said if she couldnt get her out then she wouldn't bother with the walk!

she pokes/talks really loudly in dc's face if she's asleep so she'll wake up for a 'cuddle'

is this normal behaviour?? is once/twice a week not enough?? does it always have to be cuddle time, cant we go shopping or for a walk???

half of me thinks she isn't my mother and dp should arrange to see her but its hard as a breast feed on demand and dc wont take bottle so i kinda need to be there.

am i just being a bitch or is this too much

Did you spend so much time with her pre child? I would bet no. We met up with parents once every few months before children.

Mine was a nightmare also, we made it really clear that no you can't just pop round when you want to. ( big tears on that one ) you need to ring and actully one a fortnight will do us fine thank you! There are not enough hours in the week i am not getting into weekly commitments.

I would spell it out now, saves heartache in the long run. Why on earth would you leave YOUR child ffs the women is mad. I commented that baby wouldn't be leaving my side for years, she didn't.

As for the poking, waking the child, get yourself a response and speak clearly and slowly. Something like...
" please don't wake dd she needs to sleep it would be selfish to wake her"

Stop worrying about offending her, your needs come first she had her turn, this is yours. Enjoy.

Well hang on, she may not be your mum but she is an equal grandparent to your child. Sounds like she is feeling sidelined and instead of talking about it is being pushy instead. Maybe a bit of understanding would help.

This sounds like a really difficult situation, and your MIL really does need to back off a bit and let you, DD and DH get used to becoming a family together before you start farming her off for sleepovers with grandparents (although if your dd is as bad a sleeper as my ds you will come to beg for those nights off in a few more months ;-)

I know it's hard, but just try and take a deep breath and remember that your MIL is only behaving like this because she loves your dd, and that can only be a good thing for dd.

I hope things get better for you. Oh, and no, YANBU :-)

The cuddling was what irritated me. Is she alone, in a loveless marriage. Its the intimacy she is after.

That seems a bit of a leap baby rabbits. Wanting to cuddle your dgc is a sign of a loveless marriage now?

The fact she's a heavy smoker would put me off the cuddling too- someone should tell her that all the perfume in Debenhams isn't going to get rid of the toxins on her clothes and in her house.

feekerry - has your MIL got a daughter?

Well I breastfed both my DDs past 10mths not to spite MIL luckily for me MIL lives 4 hours away; you'd think that would make things easier - and it does except when we do see her she stays for days!! in my house!! Also meant that she arrived within 24 hours of both births and was at our house for the first nights home with both DDs.

I agree that the heavy smoking is a problem. My MIL smokes, and I asked here not to around DS (asked her to make sure she didn't smoke before she arrived to visit etc, so no toxins on clothes, on her breath etc). She was fine about it.

I think that the breastfeeding thing can be a generational thing though. It is pushed far more these days than it ever used to be, so women who had their children 30+ years ago often just don't get how important it can be to mums these days. Also, it was a long time ago for many grandmothers - my MIL breastfed both her DC but had forgotten how that means you are often cluster feeding, feeding every half hour etc in the early months.

I guess just being polite but firm is the way forward. And maybe see if your DH can gently explain to her that she needs to stand back and let you enjoy mothering your baby.

The cuddly baby stage is over in a flash. She knows that and is trying to maximise them now! honestly, OP in no time at all you'll be really grateful to your MIL for some babysitting. Let your DD develop a relationship with her GM so that she can soothe her etc. I know you a BF but again in no time at all she'll be eating solids and drinking froma cup so yo will be able to be away from her.

oh dear are there not enough cuddles to go around? I understand that mummy time comes first, and you are in charge after all it is your baby, but really what is the problem with allowing other close family members time to bond with a grandchild too?

I cannot understand how today's mothers feel somehow threatened by any close contact and nurturing by grandparents.
Mothers are quite happy to leave children 40 hours a week in nurseries and establish bonds with strangers but seem threatened by baby contact with family members.

I did not have a great liking for my MIL but came to realise my DH and DC not only liked her but adored her. I think if I had cut them off from her I would have deprived my DC of a very important relationship that I certainly would have been unable to fulfil.

I think children need and benefit from a number of loving relationships in their lives. Yes they will get by if they just have one or two, but the happiest most rounded individuals will have benefited from inter generational loving bonds.

Agree with Mantlepiece. Stop obsessing about whether or not your MIL cuddles your dd. You sound like you are watching over her like a hawk. Can't you leave the baby with your MIL for one sodding hour and go shopping/ or go for a massage/manicure/read a book on your own - do stuff you did before you became a mum? You do sound incredibly PFB.

Just allow DD and MIL to bond in their own way (twice a week). What you don't yet realise is how much you will appreciate their close bond when they are older and you want the kids to sleepover (it will be like a fairy godmother who grants you and your DH weekends away - grown up ones, where you can drink lots, and get up late and maybe even have sex).

I am not denying that MIL is complete PITA by the way, but just know from experience how much good babysitters contribute to quality of life.

Just read that bit about poking your dd when she is sleeping, and now want to backtrack .

Your MIL is a MEGA PITA and don't go on holiday with her.

I would still let her have DD for a couple of hours a week though and not ask what they do (just say - take DD for a walk in buggy an bring her back in 2 hours - don't ask for details).

I promise you decent babysitters (and free ones) are fucking gold dust, so if you can grin and bear it, it will be worth it in the end.

Hi OP. I think I am in the same boat as you with a 15 eek old DS...
I have started to think it may MILs want to relive the excitement of when they had their DCs, only this time they do not have the parental responsibility! Add to the equation an over enthusiastic FIL who missed out on his DCs growing as he was concentrating on his career.

I agree with others that you are being generous with twice a week visits. Do try and set boundaries early on, however the best solution for this over enthusiasm may just be biding your time and hoping one of DH's siblings provides another DC!!!

15 week DS...the eek was probably a freudian slip thinking of PILs behaviour

If she's a heavy smoker, is she taking half an hour between smoking and holding the baby? Is she washing her hands? Does she smoke inside at her own house? Because if she does that's a good reason for grandparent time to take place at your house while DD is so tiny.

I would challenge her when she says she "never sees" DD. Twice a week is a lot. I don't mean that in a bad way, just that she should realise she's fortunate - not all grandparents get that.

What? Your mil loves her gc, wants to see her, cuddle her, buy her things, and go on holiday with her? How awful!!

There's always one

OP I agree with (most) other posters - your MIL is being unreasonable. You must feel stifled. Always a tricky one. You feel/sound like a cow because it's just the baby's grandmother who loves the baby so much and what is wrong with wanting to see more of him?

My own mother can be a bit like this - certainly was when dc1 (now 10) was born but I have managed her guilt tripping, demanding nature well!

Implement and stick to boundaries - twice a week is absolutely fair enough and is not 'never seeing her gs'.

Do not reply to guilt trippy texts or emails. My mother still texts me all the time to 'put pictures of XXX on Facebook' (basically pics of the dc, wherever we have been/visited). I have a FB account but I never use it and have never uploaded one pic of the dc on there, as she knows. So I ignore her.

I include my mum a lot in ways that I don't find intrusive so I will text her little things they have done or said, they speak to her on the phone, I invite her to days out. But it's all on my terms.

Know in yourself that you are being fair - that's the main thing. Have self belief.

I sympathise greatly my mil is the same except Its 3-4 times a week mostly weekend or she will come round in eve and get annoyed as my dd is asleep 16 weeks and just into a setish bedtime. She expects me to keep her awake. She is retired and Wont pop round in week must be weekend when me and Dh are trying to do things or have family time. I have told Dh to get her to speak to me in week would much rather her round then once a week than all weekend. I will always say when not convenient Dh Wont say no even to late eve visits. Tbh she doesnt do anything constructive with dd just sits on sofa and moans that dd wriggles wants to be moving expects endless tea. She Didnt help after birth either my mum came in took washing dinners for us just 5 mins with dd. Mil sat there expecting refreshments etc. I dont have the support of Dh so i will be speaking myself soon esp next time she walks in and snatches baby x

Sounds familiar! The ILs have never been 'just passing' our house as much as in these last few months since DS arrived. It's just good old fashioned instinct to get a bit twitchy when others swoop in and take over baby. I found it helps to try and turn it around and take a bit more control so doesn't feel like you're constantly just responding to whatever they are doing / want to do...

Invite MIL around for baby cuddles - you have a nap! Perhaps if she comes around in the PM your DH can suggest she can make dinner for you all?

Join some local groups and sign up to classes. You'll have specific places to be so you won't have to feel guilty about not being available all the time.

Plan walks / shopping with baby and invite MIL along. She can't really com

My MIL is a dream compared to some of yours! Tbh though I get how important gc are to her and happily hand ds over as son as MIL comes in / we go to her (only about once a week / fortnight but thats because dp is too lazy to visit her more often and she's got a lot on caring for her elderly Mum etc) and have pointed out to her that she doesn't have to ask to pick him up etc. Her other gc live away and she only sees them every few months so I want her to feel like a major part of ds' life.

The smoking needs to be addressed though - my MIL respects that I speak to her as I would my own Mum - just tell her that you need a word (cuddle your baby whilst you tak to her - may help with the bribe!!) and explain that you and dp want her to be involved with dc BUT that her smoking makes you BOTH really uncomfortable. Explain the dangers (that generation won't have been educated like we have about it) and explain that there'll be more opportunities for cuddles if she's smoke free - lay out your rules (30 mins / an hour smoke free, washed and no perfume etc if thats what suits??). Make sure she understands that you want the best for ds - you don't sound like you're being 'pfb' at all but I find that playing on that a tiny bit helps - if anything bugs me I say 'oh, we're trying to get him used to not being cuddled so tightly for when we want him to self settle etc - I'm not usually pfb but I'm sure you don't mind indulging us over this little thing...haha...'

I hope you get it sorted op - there are so many threads on here about relations turning sour with MILs over little things that build up!

Thank you all for your input. No she doesn't have a daughter of her own. Half the problem I think. Of course I dont mind people holding or cuddle dd but there is a limit. We have a big floor mat for her and she loves rolling around on it. She'll giggle and smile for anyone on it. She's not really a cuddley baby even with me. But when she cries and I suggest to mil that dd might like to play on her mat with her she just says oh what is wrong with that baby. She cant just lie on the floor.
And why does she have to say things like lets runaway from mummy then she takes her to another room or upstairs? No one else I know does this?

Sounds familiar! The ILs have never been 'just passing' our house as much as in these last few months since DS arrived. It's just good old fashioned instinct to get a bit twitchy when others swoop in and take over baby. I found it helps to try and turn it around and take a bit more control so doesn't feel like you're constantly just responding to whatever they are doing / want to do...

Invite MIL around for baby cuddles - you have a nap! Perhaps if she comes around in the PM your DH can suggest she can make dinner for you all?

Join some local groups and sign up to classes. You'll have specific places to be so you won't have to feel guilty about not being available all the time.

Plan walks / shopping with baby and invite MIL along. She can't really complain if you're giving her opportunity to see baby and she doesn't accept. I would get DH to have a gentle word about neg comments if she continues though.

I set up a Flickr account for photos (parents, ILs etc all wanted pics and I couldn't see I never had the time to email them)). Set a/c to private and invited family / friends. I upload pics from phone quickly and they can see / print whenever they want.

Their (intense!) enthusiasm is far easier for me to handle now (6 months down the line). It's just another one of the many things to adjust to as a new mum but worth finding a balance between setting boundaries / expectations and happy GP/GC/family relations.

Oops sorry posted twice! Curse phone and fat fingers!

The running away thing comes up a lot on MN - although I saw a thread on Gransnet where all the MILs swore it must be an exaggeration as no-one would do that! It happened to me whenever DD obviously needed feeding. Just say, "no let's not" and give her a hard look. I was too bloody soft tbh.