I asked him out right about his affairs tonight and stood up for myself in his reply.

[PissyDust]

He is lying, I wil stay strong. I did post a long explanation but it vanished.

I'm 10 years in and married to a liar, I need a hand. I'm writing hm a letter now as my questioning must have hit a nerve as he went to bed.

I need strength.

I'm here for you.

Do you know he's having an affair or are you going on (valuable) instinct?

What do you want to happen?

Thank goodness for that. I was worried when you seemed to be convincing yourself that it was all your imagination.

I'm sending him an email as writing it down is to shaky, I'm a mess but I know i am right.

This ea happened years ago bt I can't shake t. We are due a 10 year anniversary soon and I can't step up.

He is a liar and at the very best these days a flirt but I hate it and need to know the truth.

Tonight he admitted to flirting and after me telling him I'm not reading to talk yet, there is so much more..

Sorry for typos but tears and no glasses..l.

What did he say when you asked him and how did you stand up for yourself when he replied?

Letters written in haste or immediately after a contretemps shouldn't be sent/delivered until they have been considered in the cold lightof day.

Instead of depriving yourself of sleep, I suggest you make a few notes now and come back to this board later today for support in drafting a missive that you won't be in any danger of regretting sending/handing to him.

I agree with Izzy. Don't send it yet. Come back to it when you've had time to reflect and re-read it in the cold light of day.

I'm sad because I know I am right this time, in all our years he has never backed down, I have him.

I have written it now, I haven't name changed?

I'll post it and then send it In The morning before work?
It as been years. I'm confident I am right.

Rightly or wrongly here is what I wrote, I will pobably need to name change but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter.

I fucking hate the fact that I'm sitting here at 1am crying and yet again he sleeping soundly, how do they do that?

:

You are sleeping after forcing all these thoughts into my head, so ironic that I am the one up trying to get my feelings known but hey ho.

I don't believe you don't remember having emotionals affairs (at the least although I view that as wose than sexual) in 2002-2004. I was young and vunerable after a shaky start and miscarriage and didnt know better and before I knew it came along....

Your don't remember response doesnt cut it with me. After 10 years as I can't imagine cheating on you and not remebering the details, don't kid yourself that you are the only one in our relationship that others may seek attractive, the difference is that I have never made myself available or flirted to the extent you adnited to tonight and we both know admittence is one tenth of what truly happened.

I caught you out so many times back then but didn't have the strength to deal with it and ask you. I wish I did because 10 years down the line it bothers me more because I feel a mug and I reallly cant do the 10 year thing with you.

Bottom line I need the truth, you either tell me the truth or we argree for our own sanity to split up. On happy we are great but we have so much between us it really won't work.

I need to know what you want to do because I haven't change my opinion since the day we met

It needs a proper proof-read Pissy and some of the sentences need to be re-constructed in order to make sense, but I think it's missing the point somewhat.

Based on your recent thread, the catalyst for all this is that you think he's having an affair NOW and even other work colleagues are telling you that this is the case.

It's also surely not enough for you that he confesses all is it? And why are you saying that what happens next is his decision?

Like I said to you on your first thread about this, whether he is having/ has had affairs is irrelevant. He doesn't make you happy and you don't trust him.

That really should be enough and ought to be a decision that is independent of what he does next.

sternface funny enough I have sent it but omitted most of what you have said.

Im on the sofa again and it is where I want to be, he is a business man and a hot shot but I managed to not cry and tell hiim as it is and he walked out 9(to bed)

thank you for being here, I wouldnt have dine what I did tonight without you.

I will make him admit it and I'm starting to belive I would be beter with just me and the girls....

They sleep like babes because they don't have consciences to keep them awake.

Without the backstory, your missive would seem to be a tad confused and needs spellcheck.

Get some zzzzzs; we can work on it later today and you can send/hand it to him this evening - that should get your weekend off to an interesting start and may engender the conversation that you really should be having with him instead of writing to him.

I seem to recall you've mentioned on another OP's thread that Women's Aid provided you with a refuge place - was this in connection with the proposed recipient of your letter?

Too late... I somehow doubt that he's going to be particularly moved by your email or that it will make him more forthcoming but, hopefully, it's given you the impetus to talk to him.

Lets see although no dobt your are rigt and yes I did seek refugee when DD1 was a baby. Nothing violent has happened since the day I packed our bags 9 years ago.

He has only been without me.

I will sleep, or find m bloody glasses. I so apreciate all your help.

Morning and thank you for your help last night. He has rang once this morning already (early leave for work) asking what I plan on doing and I've said I don't know because it's true.

I'm a bit of a mess tbh but at least he has started to admit something even though it has taken 7, 8 or 9 years

PD - well done for wanting to take control.

The only way for him to take you seriously is for you to follow through.

This means being prepared to tell him the marriage is over and to pack his bags and tell him to go.

Then if he really wants to come back, he has to do it on YOUR terms.

mad you are very right but it is so scary. I will do it though.

Last night he admitted to "having flirty texts" when I asked him why I found a text that was sent from the ow saying I love you he couldn't/wouldn't answer me so I told him he was a liar and I wasn't prepared to sit around with everyone going on about our 10 year anniversary coming up when I know he has broken my trust.

I'm very tearful and we have a bloody wedding party to go to this evening!

It really helps getting it all out in here and also knowing its not just me going slowly mad with his lies.

Pissy I think I know you in RL!!!! Are you ok?? Why have you not mentioned this to me You know I'm alway here for you xx I have tried calling but you engaged. call me I'm at home for the next 25 mins x

I know its scary, be strong and remember you will have a much better life as a result x

I'm actually starting to think you are right mad

The recent texts I found (I changed the settings on his phone to keep sent messages because he deletes everything) were flirty messages with women at work, we work for the same company ffs. How disrespectful is that? I told him last night that he makes me feel like nothing, I have already let go of the relationship, no kisses hello and goodbye and nothing more than chatting of an evening or during dinner.

I haven't even managed to go to work, I never have time off.

You need to learn the secret of their success how they manage to function as if nothing untoward is taking place in their lives, Pissy.

Compartmentalise.

You've sent your missive and instead of anticipating what his reply may be, stick all thoughts to do with him/it in a box marked 'do not open until necessary'. And it won't be necessary to open it until he responds.

When/if he responds, deal with it. And then back into the box it goes while you get on with more important matters such as earning a crust or scoffing krispy kremes while watching daytime tv.

Detach, detach, detach. It is what it is, what's done is done; it can't be undone, and you don't need to drive yourself crazy fretting about the how's, why's, and wherefore's, because it comes down to one simple fact: the guy's a deceitful, duplicitous, lying twunt and you'll be infinitely better off without him.

If he doesn't respond or fails to raise the subject when he gets home from work, don't mention it. Get ready, go to the party as if nothing's happened, and keep him in suspense.

No more emails/texts/phone conversations about this subject. Choose your moment to confront him in person and choose your words carefully - we wouldn't want him to be under any illusion that he can worm his way out of this one

I'm a tad concerned about your title for this thread... you say you 'stood up for myself in his reply'. Does this mean you tend not to stand up to things he says to you? Has he put away physical violence in favour of verbal, emotional, and other forms of abuse?

He isn't controlling or abuse if any other way, I would have said before all this that he was under a lot of stress with work and money and looking after his family.

I will say noW that he is a liar and being deceitful must take its toll because he doesn't create a happy environment to be in, again I would have said that is because the children are young and hard work (DD2 in the process of statement through school) I now say his head and heart have been some where else and that is why he is impatient and again a liar.

Ok izzy I'll trust you and your Krispy kremes. I haven't had a day off on my own for over a year, I think I will go and clear my wardrobe out and try to put it in a box.

A little bit of good news is that my friend called this morning as she guessed this could be my thread so I now have some RL support.

Thank you all so much again.

An illicit day off work is too good to waste on sorting your wardrobe, honey. Make the day a special treat and spoil yourself.

Rummage in your closet long enough to find something you enjoy wearing and take yourself out for a leisurely lunch where you can feel sorry for all those who are having to rush their meals to get back to work.

After lunch, indulge in a spot of retail therapy or go for a walk near water - rivers/streams/lakes/ponds and even manky city canals can have a calming effect on the psyche.

In other words, don't stay withn the same four walls - get out there and get a different perspective that will get you through tonight and the weekend.

I'm with Izzy - a break in routine and a change of scenery/bit of a walk will give you space away from your home to think about things. Glad you now have RL support. It's always good to see someone else's perspective.

I understand that you probably feel sad and worn down at the moment but you can still put yourself first. What do you want, where do you see yourself in 5 years? I think the fact he hasn't taken the day off work to talk to you properly is telling.

I've just received an email in reply to the one I sent last year. Apparently I sent it to the wrong PissyDustsDHname email, so either some random John doe received the email or I have just uncovered an email account of DH's that I didn't know about?

Insure I read on here that you can check ip addresses, aghh. Upshot is he probably didn't receive the email and I'm not re sending it because it was a stupid late night idea.

Put it down to your guardian angel; it wasn't good idea to send it in the heat of the moment but, thanks to divine intervention, no damage has been done.

Now tart yourself up, go have lunch in a restaurant you've never been to before, and indulge yourself until it's time to collect dc etc.

The other DH's name was quite sweet about it and emailed back that he didn't want me to think my message was being ignored.

I might email back and ask if he wants to be my husband as he obviously cares about my feelings more than the current DH does and I wouldn't need to change my surname

Lovely idea about lunch out but I don't have £2 to my name this week so I am indulging in some time with the house to myself, there is 5 of us here so it doesn't happen ever often.

DH has called and asked what is happening with us and I plainly asked him how was I supposed to answer that when he hasn't told me what is going on. I ended it with "when you are ready we can talk until that happens I want you to stop calling me"