I asked him out right about his affairs tonight and stood up for myself in his reply.

[PissyDust]

He is lying, I wil stay strong. I did post a long explanation but it vanished.

I'm 10 years in and married to a liar, I need a hand. I'm writing hm a letter now as my questioning must have hit a nerve as he went to bed.

I need strength.

It's nearly time to collect the children, they will be full of last day beans and wanting macdonalds for a treat (!) I need to slap a smile on my face.

Checking to see how you are -sounds like you are bearing up ok.

When do you expect to see him - tonight?

Thanks mad it's such a lonely feeling isn't it?

He is on his way home now, probably get here for 6 and then we are straight out for this wedding reception with the DC, I told him when he called that we have to go but I want to leave at 9.

It's going to end up being one of my colleagues from work, I just know it, how can have kept this from me for nearly 8 years?

DC are here now so I need to keep it together but I really a do appreciate all of the support on this thread and others, I think I could drive myself mad if I couldn't post.

I have no advice to add just wanted to lend my support and send strength. Xxx

No advice but also wanted to lend my support and strength. Hope you holding up.

Thank you, it's appreciated, I'm not doing well he will be home at 6 and DC are all getting ready for the party, I'm all puffy from crying and pretending I've got a headache.

I just want to know what has gone on, I can't do anything until I find. Out for my own sanity.

Your doing a great job under such hard horrible circumstances. Well done you deserve a massive hug! Fingers crossed it all goes as well as possible for you.

Remember you deserve to be respected and have done nothing wrong.

This is not a conversation you need, or should, have while you are getting ready as a family to go to a party.

You won't go insane by not finding what has gone on for a few hours, or a few days/weeks for that matter, nor will not knowing prevent you from doing whatever you need to do to keep the wheels of everyday life turning.

When you have opportunity to talk to him, keep a cool head so that you can observe his body language and weigh his words.

You are very right izzy, the girls all look adorable in their party dresses and I have gone for all black with mad curly hair and thick black eye liner.

Do you think he will get the message ?

I like your style, honey - vamp it up with om and have a great night.

One small tip; resist the temptation to get hammered otherwise you may find yourself hammering him.

If that should occur, plead temporary insanity

Definatly lay of the alcohol. Remain sober and strong. We are all here. Thinking of you xxx

We are home and sober, He offered to drive home which never happens.

I couldn't watch the first dance, it really hurt to see them so happy and newly wed and some of the soppy songs had me heading for the toilet but in all I enjoyed dancing with friends and DC and remembering its a long time since I have danced and laughed.

He is very quiet and hasn't said much to me at al, I'm usually so chatty but I've drawn back and I don't think he knows what to do.

I'm off to bed now as my feet ache!

Well done for getting through the wedding party - it must have been so hard seeing them so happy.

Stay strong x

Well done I'm glad it wasn't too awful. I hope you got plenty of sleep. Stay strong X

Morning, the girls and I didn't get up till 10!! We must go dancing more often although my 10 y old is as moody as you like because she doesn't like anything late nights apparently

He has called from work trying to keep things normal but I have told him the girls are having an early night and he needs to talk to me, there is nothing here for him until we get this all out in the open.

Last night was a family party, relatives I have distanced myself from over the 10 years because he has no family so we became just us, our little family. Well he has ruined that and will need to mend it if I let him. I'm hoping last night he saw what I have that he doesn't and that I could have a life without him and it would be a happy one, hard at first but after reading here all these years I now it's not as impossible.

It's sunny here at last so a day in the garden and some food shopping is the plan, hope you all have a lovely day.

That's the spirit! No more weeping, wailing, and wringing of hands; you need a cool, calm, head to deal with business as you discuss to what extent he has, or may have, broken some of the terms of the marriage contract.

Hold to the thought that you can call the shots because, even without those relatives that you really should make an effort to let back into your life, you can and will be happy - if not happier - without him.

Tip for the day: stop listening to soppy songs. Situations such as the one you find yourself in calls for Bach!

Thank you izzy, I really appreciate you keep replying to my thread and keeping my head straight.

I do so love him but I've lost a lot of respect for him and he needs to man up and stopping thinking heis better than me.

Deep breath.

Don't really have any advice but seems like your getting lots of good and helpful advice on here just here to offer support! Stay strong x

Unless he's using his self-awarded superiority to dictate terms, it really doesn't matter whether he thinks he's better than you as long as you know he's not!

Men who have an artificially inflated opinion of themselves are invariably buffoons; the butt of jokes and objects of pity because they don't fool anyone except themselves.

Think of love as having a tap; if your tank of love for him isn't being continually filled up by his demonstrable love for you, turn the tap off to conserve supplies until he proves that he's worthy of the affection you shower on him.

I think there has been a hose pipe ban in this house for a long time izzy!!

I'm having a lazy day and googling cheaters, very interesting to read how detached they can make themselves whilst believing they are protecting our feelings just because they can't be arsed to deal with what they are doing.

Stoking their own ego whilst having security, housemaid and cook at home.

Wanker.

Of course cheaters can't be arsed to deal with what they're doing; that would be too much like hard work and requires a quality they don't possess, namely, integrity.

His ego will continue to be stoked all the time you're providing impeccable 5* service plus 'extras'. I reckon his hotel sprinklers are about to malfunction and pour icy cold water on him. Let's see how a non-flattering drowned rat look suits him

Pissy if I can, I will get the link to a radio interview by a psychologist. Yes it is Christian but don't let that bother you. Truths are truths whatever the beliefs.

But what this psychologist says: an affiar is the most hurtful and mean thing you can do to another person and you must 1. GET ANGRY

1. SHUN him.

Yes that is a very old fashioned word but you must SHUN him! Drive him away. Do not even look at him. Show him you are ANGRY. You do not deserve to be treated with this disregard, and you can let him know that.

Then leave the ball in his court. Tell him he can tell you, or you will find out what you need to know from the many people who have been hinting to you. Leave him with the silence. I did what you did, I cried and wept and pleaded. Pissy, it was a mistake. He won't connect with you because he probably can't.

Tbh I don't think he cares enough to make amends. It will all be about protecting him.

PS just in case you think the Christian thing means it isn't worth listening to, remember what Stern advised someone:

the thing that motivates these people is LOSS. When you SHUN him, he LOSES something. You, your presence, his family, his kids, his home.

Let him stew on that for a bit.

ireconim going to hold onto that image this evening izzy!

I can't believe how calm I'm feeling, I know he won't tell me the who truth tonight and it will probably take time, he is crap with feelings and talking.

This all happened years ago but at the time I wasn't in the right frame of mind to deal with it, I'd had a mc (1st with him but my 9th odd as I had been ttc in a previous relationship) I was drinking to much to deal with the pain and lack of support and things became blurred, he must have ended it (or she did) because life went back to same old and we went on to have 2 more children.

He is about to be offered a promotion, this should be a happy time and I could take the opportunity to let things go but we will soon be married 10 years and I can't shake the feling that it's been a sham, I think he will probably say he felt trapped by money problems and having 3 children and liked the attention from the ow.

Blah blah blah

Once he has told me at least the start of what I already know I want to know what he thinks should happen, what he thinks he needs to do and how or if he sees a way to move forward, what boundaries need to be in place and the fact Im going to need some space to take it all in.

It really helps to write it all down, I feel like I'm planning a stage 1 investigatory meeting!

I'm going to disagree with Izzy (for the first time ever ) and advise you to listen to some very angry music, not Bach. You strength is growing and it shows in your most recent posts. You know you can live - not just survive - without him. So get angry, you have every right, utilise that and show him that you aren't taking his shit lying down. You are so much better than that. He owes you more.