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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I asked him out right about his affairs tonight and stood up for myself in his reply.

76 replies

PissyDust · 20/07/2012 00:18

He is lying, I wil stay strong. I did post a long explanation but it vanished.

I'm 10 years in and married to a liar, I need a hand. I'm writing hm a letter now as my questioning must have hit a nerve as he went to bed.

I need strength.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 21/07/2012 12:48

Here it is:

The author being interviewed has a VERY tough love strategy that he advocates for newbies. I wish I had heard this five years ago.

You can find the links to both broadcasts by clicking on the one below. Once you get to this page, you can scroll down to a broadcast calendar (located at the bottom left). The dates you'll want to click on are July 17 for Part 1 and July 18 for part two.

www.focusonthefamily.com/radio.aspx

izzyizin · 21/07/2012 13:17

I find that Bach has the ability to organise my little grey cells into razor laser-sharp merciless troops on a mission to seek and destroy, lazarusb
but I'm willing to concede that a similar period of exposure to gangsta rap could be equally effective Grin

Original poster
PissyDust · 21/07/2012 13:22

I'm about to blitz the living room, I will start with Bach and then possibly move into my raving days.

Prepare for my DC to pull the classic Hmm face, they are currently in the garden under a whale shaped sprinkler!

OP posts:
izzyizin · 21/07/2012 13:26

Just hang on to the thought that life ain't about kissin' arse, Pissy, - it's about kickin' arse.

If he gives you any crap, kick his arse into orbit around planet offufuck, and throw yourself a party to celebrate the beginning of your infinitely more fulfilling life without him dragging you down.

Original poster
PissyDust · 21/07/2012 13:38

How mad that you post that izzy, I was just pulling the sofa out and dancing to some house music (sorry but Bach isn't my thing) and thinking if me and the girls do move on I'm going to throw a flat warming party, we have never had a party here.

Nice to be having a good day before the shit hits the fan though.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 21/07/2012 13:40

Move that sprinkler into the living room, honey, and place it over his favourite seat... it may come in useful later.

Original poster
PissyDust · 21/07/2012 15:55

Your becoming a bad influence izzy!

I've had a shower and washed my hair, can't hear about his slagish ways whilst still wearing last nights make up!

DC have friends over, they are decorating cakes and biscuits and making an awful mess. I'd usually have friends gone and mess cleared away for 5 but I am going to leave them to it and invite friends to eat with DC, it's not all about him and his hard day at work anymore, this is our home and we have done nothing to change that.

Thanks again, I really have relied on MN these last few days and feel stronger and calmer for it.

OP posts:
hpsaucy · 21/07/2012 17:14

I'm loving the new Pissy. Can I come your party, we used to have great get togethers.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/07/2012 17:23

Just posted on the other thread - sounds like you are doing really well today.

Best of luck for tonight x

Original poster
PissyDust · 21/07/2012 17:29

hp of course you can although it may well end up whilst your away and I'm house sitting for the week Smile

Mad I already have my reply ready if he tries blaming me, after all how can I be at fault when I didnt know what the choices were?

He finishes at 5 so is supposed to be home soon, what's the betting he has gone to the pub for some Dutch courage?

I'm going to get the girls into bed, have something to eat and then ask if he is ready to talk.

Gulp

OP posts:
hpsaucy · 21/07/2012 17:40

Pissy, has crossed my mind, I'll get a key cut and I'm away for 2 weeks,

Original poster
PissyDust · 21/07/2012 17:51

ABit I have just read back and noticed I have totally missed your post and completely ignored you, so sorry.

I will take a look at the link and shunning is the way forward although I need a good balance of him knowing he is in the shit and the girls staying blissfully unaware for now, they are having a lovely time with friends, I even heard my 8 year old ask her sister why mummy is being so nice and letting them do what they want. Her sister said "she is probably tired from all the dancing she did last night" so mission accomplished as far as the DC are concerned.

I'm loathe to make him any dinner but I've not eaten all day and I haven't got the guts to just make a meal for one, it would feel churlish.

I have butterfly's in my stomach and I so wish I had some gin in the cupboard.

OP posts:
lazarusb · 21/07/2012 18:19

Pissy - glad you are getting feisty Smile Also glad I managed to lead you astray music wise Grin I find certain songs fit certain moods very well and, in the past, has given me strength to get through difficult times. Very pleased you & the dcs have had a good day too. I hope this evening brings you some clarity one way or another and your h is shaking in his boots.

Original poster
PissyDust · 21/07/2012 18:23

Thanks lazar I'm sitting here nearly boiling with rage that he hasn't come home and no phone call. He really is a self cantered fucker who only thinks about his self.

He can screw dinner, it is now DC to bed and one offer to spill, if he isn't ready I'm going for a meal for one in town and a wandered to the bar in the leisure centre.

Angry
OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 22/07/2012 01:05

He is terrified of coming home. Meal and bar sounds good.

Pissy, you are on a high at the moment and bouyed by adrenaline. You will crash later, just know we are there for you.

It is VERY hard to keep quiet and let them speak, and they are also very good at diverting us. So take care and try very hard to keep the silence and DON'T respond to red herrings.

And, you will be amazed at how much he can't remember.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 22/07/2012 02:53

Pissy - I hope he came home and you got something sorted. However, I think you really need to be focussing on the 'here & now' - what's the point in being with someone who makes you so unhappy? If some random returning an email so that you didn't think it was being ignored filled an emotional need in you that your DH never fills that's a pretty sad state of affairs and I think you should free yourself from your DH so that you can meet someone who shows you love, care & compassion.

Devastatedgiraffe · 22/07/2012 07:23

Pissy, did he come home? Are you ok?

I ended up cooking for my dh last night, The children were ravenous and I hadn't properly eaten for days.

Loving your girls attitude and the stronger you is beginning to show!

Original poster
PissyDust · 22/07/2012 09:18

Not much to say really.

He came home after not ringing me and going to the pub (he does sometimes go to the pub on a Saturday) he said he has misplassed his phone (!!!!!!!!!!!)

He also said he stayed out because he knew we couldn't talk until the DC were asleep so I walked out And drove to loud dance music, I then went out.

He is taking the day off work today, he read this thread whilst I was out.

Im ok but can't be on here today but will try to catch up tonight

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 22/07/2012 09:27

Did you show him this thread or did he find it?

Message to Mr PissyDust - man up and confess. Don't be so weak and selfish - you do remember but you are too much of a coward.

sternface · 22/07/2012 09:56

I've just caught up with your thread Pissy Dust and the way you post about your fears in confronting him are illuminating. It sounds as though your partner has always had all the power in your relationship and I'd suggest that power base was strengthened every time you believed the unbelievable and failed to confront the obvious. What this has meant is that his respect for you has been completely eroded and even now, I would imagine he'll think that if he ducks and dives enough, you'll give up and accept the status quo.

He doesn't even respect you enough to talk about this.

I hope you confound his low opinion of you and that you finally get the courage to end this relationship. Think about getting some counselling to help you see why you gave up your power in this way.

hpsaucy · 22/07/2012 10:44

Pissy, have tried to ring, but now realise that he is at home. I thought you told him not to take the day off!!!

I'm in all day if you need me, Stay strong

lazarusb · 23/07/2012 10:25

I hope you are ok PD, have been thinking of you. I hope your h found his balls and has had the guts to be honest with you, however hard that would have been for you.

Original poster
PissyDust · 23/07/2012 10:52

I'm ok lazar, it's not been an easy couple of days and we are still talking but at least I know I'm not some paranoid, deluded idiot now.

I would never have been as confident and direct as I have been without MN. I can feel the balance of control and respect shifting even though I don't actually know what I will end up deciding.

I've lost a lot of respect for him, it's all so yuck and you never know if you have the whole truth because you don't trust them as far as you could throw a burning stick a them.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 23/07/2012 11:52

Sounds like he finally manned up, and sorry to hear your worst fears were realised but at least you know you weren't going mad Sad

You will need time and space to process your thoughts and feelings. Look after yourself x

lazarusb · 23/07/2012 18:08

Take your time PD. You are in control now and you can call the shots as and when you are ready. There is no time limit, do things when you feel you can.

I know what you mean about MN, I just wish it had been around in the early 90s Grin

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